Re: boundary/work/life advice

[Guest guest]

I don't like the hair thing..Nope..not at all...maybe if she smoothed your

hair for you...it would feel different. Some people can get away with that

sort of behavior with me..My closest friends....may at times fix my hair

...tell me my mascara is running stuff like that. But she was commanding

you like she had some ownership of you.

My thought is you addressed her need. and that was nice. But you denied

yours.!

If I was in your position I would say..some thing funny after.. like. I knew

you were stressing out so I gave you a hug to console you but if you ever

tell me to fix my hair like I'm some 12 year old you gonna get some serious

12 yearold attitude from me:)

Or " You were so stressed it's as if you forgot I was an adult..do you

realize you told me to fix my hair!?? " That's when I knew you needed a big

hug " Just say it in a funny way that... that's not acceptable.

Just be careful Girlscout sometimes our love for someone leaves us a bit

blind to certain things

<3 Stefanie

just becarful

On Wed, Oct 6, 2010 at 11:14 AM, Girlscout Cowboy <

girlscout.cowboy@...> wrote:

>

>

> So guys, I need some advice.

>

> My boss and I are very good friends. we have worked side by side, very

> hard,

> for 4 long years. She is a little younger than my mom and I'm a little

> older

> than her daughters.

>

> we are going through a rough time at our company. Just not enough money

> coming in. She is also going through a rough time, her 25 year old daughter

> moved home and is having a lot of problems mentally and physically.

>

> I'm also going through a time of intense psychological exploration and

> growth.

>

> So my problem is that she picks at me - little details. yesterday she was

> very very stressed over a presentation so she started doing things like

> telling me to go get more ice for the water picture, not too put too many

> napkins on the table and the one that pissed me off - to go brush and

> smooth

> my hair.I must say, if they make their decision to hire us to represent

> them

> over those things, they are idiots. they should base their choice on our

> skills.

>

> I'm almost 36 effing years old. I've been working in a career position for

> going on 13 years. I can handle taking care of my own effing hair!!!!

>

> So what I did - I wrapped my arms around her, I hugged her, I told her we

> were going to be great and rock the potential client's world and not to

> stress.I did this seconds after she told me to brush my hair. I'm like

> don't

> worry, its ok, we are the best at this, we have done this a thousand times.

>

> So did I do the right thing? My interpretation is that she was looking for

> things she could control - because she couldn't control the client's

> decision. And I think she controls me (or tries to) because I am a

> surrogate

> daughter in some ways.

>

> I responded to her core need with love. I guess I feel good about that.I do

> love her - but my hair is mine. No touchy!

>

> But I'd love to hear thoughts. . . because it did cross my boundary.

> Thanks,

> Girlscout

>

> P.S. We did rock the presentation, though by the time they finally arrived,

> she'd kinda brought me down and I wasn't as psyched. (I love public

> speaking

> - I just look at it as a chance to perform, and I find that fun.)

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think you handled that beautifully! I buy your assessment that she was

agitated and worried and stressed-out and went into automatic " mother " mode to

distract herself. You intuitively picked up on the real source of her stress

(worried about not getting the new client) and spoke to that. Brilliant!

-Annie

>

> So guys, I need some advice.

>

> My boss and I are very good friends. we have worked side by side, very hard,

> for 4 long years. She is a little younger than my mom and I'm a little older

> than her daughters.

>

> we are going through a rough time at our company. Just not enough money

> coming in. She is also going through a rough time, her 25 year old daughter

> moved home and is having a lot of problems mentally and physically.

>

> I'm also going through a time of intense psychological exploration and

> growth.

>

> So my problem is that she picks at me - little details. yesterday she was

> very very stressed over a presentation so she started doing things like

> telling me to go get more ice for the water picture, not too put too many

> napkins on the table and the one that pissed me off - to go brush and smooth

> my hair.I must say, if they make their decision to hire us to represent them

> over those things, they are idiots. they should base their choice on our

> skills.

>

> I'm almost 36 effing years old. I've been working in a career position for

> going on 13 years. I can handle taking care of my own effing hair!!!!

>

> So what I did - I wrapped my arms around her, I hugged her, I told her we

> were going to be great and rock the potential client's world and not to

> stress.I did this seconds after she told me to brush my hair. I'm like don't

> worry, its ok, we are the best at this, we have done this a thousand times.

>

> So did I do the right thing? My interpretation is that she was looking for

> things she could control - because she couldn't control the client's

> decision. And I think she controls me (or tries to) because I am a surrogate

> daughter in some ways.

>

> I responded to her core need with love. I guess I feel good about that.I do

> love her - but my hair is mine. No touchy!

>

> But I'd love to hear thoughts. . . because it did cross my boundary. Thanks,

> Girlscout

>

> P.S. We did rock the presentation, though by the time they finally arrived,

> she'd kinda brought me down and I wasn't as psyched. (I love public speaking

> - I just look at it as a chance to perform, and I find that fun.)

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think you did the best response possible!! You made her aware of her behaviour

at the same time as reassuring her and making her feel cared about.

Well done!

>

> So guys, I need some advice.

>

> My boss and I are very good friends. we have worked side by side, very hard,

> for 4 long years. She is a little younger than my mom and I'm a little older

> than her daughters.

>

> we are going through a rough time at our company. Just not enough money

> coming in. She is also going through a rough time, her 25 year old daughter

> moved home and is having a lot of problems mentally and physically.

>

> I'm also going through a time of intense psychological exploration and

> growth.

>

> So my problem is that she picks at me - little details. yesterday she was

> very very stressed over a presentation so she started doing things like

> telling me to go get more ice for the water picture, not too put too many

> napkins on the table and the one that pissed me off - to go brush and smooth

> my hair.I must say, if they make their decision to hire us to represent them

> over those things, they are idiots. they should base their choice on our

> skills.

>

> I'm almost 36 effing years old. I've been working in a career position for

> going on 13 years. I can handle taking care of my own effing hair!!!!

>

> So what I did - I wrapped my arms around her, I hugged her, I told her we

> were going to be great and rock the potential client's world and not to

> stress.I did this seconds after she told me to brush my hair. I'm like don't

> worry, its ok, we are the best at this, we have done this a thousand times.

>

> So did I do the right thing? My interpretation is that she was looking for

> things she could control - because she couldn't control the client's

> decision. And I think she controls me (or tries to) because I am a surrogate

> daughter in some ways.

>

> I responded to her core need with love. I guess I feel good about that.I do

> love her - but my hair is mine. No touchy!

>

> But I'd love to hear thoughts. . . because it did cross my boundary. Thanks,

> Girlscout

>

> P.S. We did rock the presentation, though by the time they finally arrived,

> she'd kinda brought me down and I wasn't as psyched. (I love public speaking

> - I just look at it as a chance to perform, and I find that fun.)

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

So . . . being the cynical one . . . is this kind of behavior typical? Does she

often " pick at you? " Did she come back later and apologize? She should have

been mortified if this wasn't typical for her. Commanding you about your hair

feels awfully intrusive and controlling to me.

I agree you handled it beautifully. Sometimes, though, when I do something like

that, I'm not as much in " diplomat " mode as I'm in " appease the mean mommy

before she destroys me " mode. Usually, when it is the latter, I have to be very

careful--if someone can bring out the KO coping skills in me, it can indicate a

need for me to be wary.

I guess I'm always a little more wary of stuff like this. I look at it this

way: When I'm at my MOST stressed, would I do something like that? If the

answer is no, I try to examine the nature of the relationship (and the character

of the person) a little more closely.

Again, I think you handled it beautifully. You could have responded like most

and shown offense, but it sounds like it was in everyone's best interest to calm

her down, make light, and move on.

Good work. Be careful and keep your eyes open. Those are my only words of

advice and/or feedback.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> So guys, I need some advice.

>

> My boss and I are very good friends. we have worked side by side, very hard,

> for 4 long years. She is a little younger than my mom and I'm a little older

> than her daughters.

>

> we are going through a rough time at our company. Just not enough money

> coming in. She is also going through a rough time, her 25 year old daughter

> moved home and is having a lot of problems mentally and physically.

>

> I'm also going through a time of intense psychological exploration and

> growth.

>

> So my problem is that she picks at me - little details. yesterday she was

> very very stressed over a presentation so she started doing things like

> telling me to go get more ice for the water picture, not too put too many

> napkins on the table and the one that pissed me off - to go brush and smooth

> my hair.I must say, if they make their decision to hire us to represent them

> over those things, they are idiots. they should base their choice on our

> skills.

>

> I'm almost 36 effing years old. I've been working in a career position for

> going on 13 years. I can handle taking care of my own effing hair!!!!

>

> So what I did - I wrapped my arms around her, I hugged her, I told her we

> were going to be great and rock the potential client's world and not to

> stress.I did this seconds after she told me to brush my hair. I'm like don't

> worry, its ok, we are the best at this, we have done this a thousand times.

>

> So did I do the right thing? My interpretation is that she was looking for

> things she could control - because she couldn't control the client's

> decision. And I think she controls me (or tries to) because I am a surrogate

> daughter in some ways.

>

> I responded to her core need with love. I guess I feel good about that.I do

> love her - but my hair is mine. No touchy!

>

> But I'd love to hear thoughts. . . because it did cross my boundary. Thanks,

> Girlscout

>

> P.S. We did rock the presentation, though by the time they finally arrived,

> she'd kinda brought me down and I wasn't as psyched. (I love public speaking

> - I just look at it as a chance to perform, and I find that fun.)

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

There have been times when she has picked at me a lot, I think they are

times when she feels out of control. I talked to her about it and asked her

not to do it about 2 weeks ago. . . I'll talk it over with T today. I don't

know - I think I may have been trying to appease her, but I don't think it

was totally the wrong response - maybe not the perfect response. . . but not

the worst possible response.

Yeah, my answer is no, I wouldn't tell a grown woman to go brush her hair. I

might say go like this - to rub the lipstick off your teeth, if someone had

it there - but people always seem to appreciate that. Or if they said how do

I look I might offer a suggestion - but not unbidden. If someone feels

comfortable and confident, why bring them down?

And that's exactly what she did, I was stoked, excited, jazzed up, ready to

impress - and she burst my bubble by nitpicking my person. If she were in

5th grade, I would be like " this is in my body bubble, and so its hands

off. " Maybe that's what I will say next time.

On Thu, Oct 7, 2010 at 12:21 AM, kyjohnson40days

wrote:

>

>

> So . . . being the cynical one . . . is this kind of behavior typical? Does

> she often " pick at you? " Did she come back later and apologize? She should

> have been mortified if this wasn't typical for her. Commanding you about

> your hair feels awfully intrusive and controlling to me.

>

> I agree you handled it beautifully. Sometimes, though, when I do something

> like that, I'm not as much in " diplomat " mode as I'm in " appease the mean

> mommy before she destroys me " mode. Usually, when it is the latter, I have

> to be very careful--if someone can bring out the KO coping skills in me, it

> can indicate a need for me to be wary.

>

> I guess I'm always a little more wary of stuff like this. I look at it this

> way: When I'm at my MOST stressed, would I do something like that? If the

> answer is no, I try to examine the nature of the relationship (and the

> character of the person) a little more closely.

>

> Again, I think you handled it beautifully. You could have responded like

> most and shown offense, but it sounds like it was in everyone's best

> interest to calm her down, make light, and move on.

>

> Good work. Be careful and keep your eyes open. Those are my only words of

> advice and/or feedback.

>

> Blessings,

> Karla

>

>

>

> >

> > So guys, I need some advice.

> >

> > My boss and I are very good friends. we have worked side by side, very

> hard,

> > for 4 long years. She is a little younger than my mom and I'm a little

> older

> > than her daughters.

> >

> > we are going through a rough time at our company. Just not enough money

> > coming in. She is also going through a rough time, her 25 year old

> daughter

> > moved home and is having a lot of problems mentally and physically.

> >

> > I'm also going through a time of intense psychological exploration and

> > growth.

> >

> > So my problem is that she picks at me - little details. yesterday she was

> > very very stressed over a presentation so she started doing things like

> > telling me to go get more ice for the water picture, not too put too many

> > napkins on the table and the one that pissed me off - to go brush and

> smooth

> > my hair.I must say, if they make their decision to hire us to represent

> them

> > over those things, they are idiots. they should base their choice on our

> > skills.

> >

> > I'm almost 36 effing years old. I've been working in a career position

> for

> > going on 13 years. I can handle taking care of my own effing hair!!!!

> >

> > So what I did - I wrapped my arms around her, I hugged her, I told her we

> > were going to be great and rock the potential client's world and not to

> > stress.I did this seconds after she told me to brush my hair. I'm like

> don't

> > worry, its ok, we are the best at this, we have done this a thousand

> times.

> >

> > So did I do the right thing? My interpretation is that she was looking

> for

> > things she could control - because she couldn't control the client's

> > decision. And I think she controls me (or tries to) because I am a

> surrogate

> > daughter in some ways.

> >

> > I responded to her core need with love. I guess I feel good about that.I

> do

> > love her - but my hair is mine. No touchy!

> >

> > But I'd love to hear thoughts. . . because it did cross my boundary.

> Thanks,

> > Girlscout

> >

> > P.S. We did rock the presentation, though by the time they finally

> arrived,

> > she'd kinda brought me down and I wasn't as psyched. (I love public

> speaking

> > - I just look at it as a chance to perform, and I find that fun.)

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hey guys, I talked it over with my T. She thought the way I handled it was

actually really good - because if I had reacted more negatively or self

protectively it may have escalated into a fight, and that is not good right

before a big presentation. . . so she said I just need to be careful to keep

my feelings separate, and hand her feelings and self doubt back to her and

put it on her plate.

The problem was really that after the incident, I went back into the Nada

cave, and started believeing all kinds of things were wrong with me. Wow!

But that only lasted 1 day. And then I recovered. So that's my project for

the week to work on that.

Hugs everyone.

PS T says I am extremly congruent - I'm researching this term because I

think its interesting. Any thoughts?

On Thu, Oct 7, 2010 at 6:44 AM, Girlscout Cowboy <girlscout.cowboy@...

> wrote:

> There have been times when she has picked at me a lot, I think they are

> times when she feels out of control. I talked to her about it and asked her

> not to do it about 2 weeks ago. . . I'll talk it over with T today. I don't

> know - I think I may have been trying to appease her, but I don't think it

> was totally the wrong response - maybe not the perfect response. . . but not

> the worst possible response.

>

> Yeah, my answer is no, I wouldn't tell a grown woman to go brush her hair.

> I might say go like this - to rub the lipstick off your teeth, if someone

> had it there - but people always seem to appreciate that. Or if they said

> how do I look I might offer a suggestion - but not unbidden. If someone

> feels comfortable and confident, why bring them down?

>

> And that's exactly what she did, I was stoked, excited, jazzed up, ready to

> impress - and she burst my bubble by nitpicking my person. If she were in

> 5th grade, I would be like " this is in my body bubble, and so its hands

> off. " Maybe that's what I will say next time.

>

> On Thu, Oct 7, 2010 at 12:21 AM, kyjohnson40days <

> kyjohnson40days@...> wrote:

>

>>

>>

>> So . . . being the cynical one . . . is this kind of behavior typical?

>> Does she often " pick at you? " Did she come back later and apologize? She

>> should have been mortified if this wasn't typical for her. Commanding you

>> about your hair feels awfully intrusive and controlling to me.

>>

>> I agree you handled it beautifully. Sometimes, though, when I do something

>> like that, I'm not as much in " diplomat " mode as I'm in " appease the mean

>> mommy before she destroys me " mode. Usually, when it is the latter, I have

>> to be very careful--if someone can bring out the KO coping skills in me, it

>> can indicate a need for me to be wary.

>>

>> I guess I'm always a little more wary of stuff like this. I look at it

>> this way: When I'm at my MOST stressed, would I do something like that? If

>> the answer is no, I try to examine the nature of the relationship (and the

>> character of the person) a little more closely.

>>

>> Again, I think you handled it beautifully. You could have responded like

>> most and shown offense, but it sounds like it was in everyone's best

>> interest to calm her down, make light, and move on.

>>

>> Good work. Be careful and keep your eyes open. Those are my only words of

>> advice and/or feedback.

>>

>> Blessings,

>> Karla

>>

>>

>>

>> >

>> > So guys, I need some advice.

>> >

>> > My boss and I are very good friends. we have worked side by side, very

>> hard,

>> > for 4 long years. She is a little younger than my mom and I'm a little

>> older

>> > than her daughters.

>> >

>> > we are going through a rough time at our company. Just not enough money

>> > coming in. She is also going through a rough time, her 25 year old

>> daughter

>> > moved home and is having a lot of problems mentally and physically.

>> >

>> > I'm also going through a time of intense psychological exploration and

>> > growth.

>> >

>> > So my problem is that she picks at me - little details. yesterday she

>> was

>> > very very stressed over a presentation so she started doing things like

>> > telling me to go get more ice for the water picture, not too put too

>> many

>> > napkins on the table and the one that pissed me off - to go brush and

>> smooth

>> > my hair.I must say, if they make their decision to hire us to represent

>> them

>> > over those things, they are idiots. they should base their choice on our

>> > skills.

>> >

>> > I'm almost 36 effing years old. I've been working in a career position

>> for

>> > going on 13 years. I can handle taking care of my own effing hair!!!!

>> >

>> > So what I did - I wrapped my arms around her, I hugged her, I told her

>> we

>> > were going to be great and rock the potential client's world and not to

>> > stress.I did this seconds after she told me to brush my hair. I'm like

>> don't

>> > worry, its ok, we are the best at this, we have done this a thousand

>> times.

>> >

>> > So did I do the right thing? My interpretation is that she was looking

>> for

>> > things she could control - because she couldn't control the client's

>> > decision. And I think she controls me (or tries to) because I am a

>> surrogate

>> > daughter in some ways.

>> >

>> > I responded to her core need with love. I guess I feel good about that.I

>> do

>> > love her - but my hair is mine. No touchy!

>> >

>> > But I'd love to hear thoughts. . . because it did cross my boundary.

>> Thanks,

>> > Girlscout

>> >

>> > P.S. We did rock the presentation, though by the time they finally

>> arrived,

>> > she'd kinda brought me down and I wasn't as psyched. (I love public

>> speaking

>> > - I just look at it as a chance to perform, and I find that fun.)

>> >

>> >

>> >

[Guest guest]

Maybe your therapist means that you have a lot of personal insight already,

which is great! " Congruent " means " in agreement " or " compatible " or " in

harmony " , so maybe she means that your subconscious and conscious are in harmony

with each other? In any case, " congruent " is a positive thing!

-Annie

>

> Hey guys, I talked it over with my T. She thought the way I handled it was

> actually really good - because if I had reacted more negatively or self

> protectively it may have escalated into a fight, and that is not good right

> before a big presentation. . . so she said I just need to be careful to keep

> my feelings separate, and hand her feelings and self doubt back to her and

> put it on her plate.

>

> The problem was really that after the incident, I went back into the Nada

> cave, and started believeing all kinds of things were wrong with me. Wow!

> But that only lasted 1 day. And then I recovered. So that's my project for

> the week to work on that.

>

> Hugs everyone.

>

> PS T says I am extremly congruent - I'm researching this term because I

> think its interesting. Any thoughts?

>

> On Thu, Oct 7, 2010 at 6:44 AM, Girlscout Cowboy <girlscout.cowboy@...

[Guest guest]

Yes, I agree-- you handled it BRILLIANTLY!! It takes a lot to keep a cool head

and respond with such finesse and grace. You were never the problem in my mind.

You did a tremendous job.

Blessings,

Karla

> >> >

> >> > So guys, I need some advice.

> >> >

> >> > My boss and I are very good friends. we have worked side by side, very

> >> hard,

> >> > for 4 long years. She is a little younger than my mom and I'm a little

> >> older

> >> > than her daughters.

> >> >

> >> > we are going through a rough time at our company. Just not enough money

> >> > coming in. She is also going through a rough time, her 25 year old

> >> daughter

> >> > moved home and is having a lot of problems mentally and physically.

> >> >

> >> > I'm also going through a time of intense psychological exploration and

> >> > growth.

> >> >

> >> > So my problem is that she picks at me - little details. yesterday she

> >> was

> >> > very very stressed over a presentation so she started doing things like

> >> > telling me to go get more ice for the water picture, not too put too

> >> many

> >> > napkins on the table and the one that pissed me off - to go brush and

> >> smooth

> >> > my hair.I must say, if they make their decision to hire us to represent

> >> them

> >> > over those things, they are idiots. they should base their choice on our

> >> > skills.

> >> >

> >> > I'm almost 36 effing years old. I've been working in a career position

> >> for

> >> > going on 13 years. I can handle taking care of my own effing hair!!!!

> >> >

> >> > So what I did - I wrapped my arms around her, I hugged her, I told her

> >> we

> >> > were going to be great and rock the potential client's world and not to

> >> > stress.I did this seconds after she told me to brush my hair. I'm like

> >> don't

> >> > worry, its ok, we are the best at this, we have done this a thousand

> >> times.

> >> >

> >> > So did I do the right thing? My interpretation is that she was looking

> >> for

> >> > things she could control - because she couldn't control the client's

> >> > decision. And I think she controls me (or tries to) because I am a

> >> surrogate

> >> > daughter in some ways.

> >> >

> >> > I responded to her core need with love. I guess I feel good about that.I

> >> do

> >> > love her - but my hair is mine. No touchy!

> >> >

> >> > But I'd love to hear thoughts. . . because it did cross my boundary.

> >> Thanks,

> >> > Girlscout

> >> >

> >> > P.S. We did rock the presentation, though by the time they finally

> >> arrived,

> >> > she'd kinda brought me down and I wasn't as psyched. (I love public

> >> speaking

> >> > - I just look at it as a chance to perform, and I find that fun.)

> >> >

> >> >

> >> >

[Guest guest]

I think we are looking at a man woman difference here. I recall once on

a job, 4 of us, my boss, a man, me, 2 female co workers were all

together and were getting ready to leave.

The ladies hugged and were very touchy feely. My boss and I grinned and

made a great to do of hugging and telling each other the same things

they had been telling each other, jokingly.

They both sniffed and called us a very rude and UNlady like name!

Men do not often, or easily, or publicly, hug. It s just a guy thing. I

would likely have said, do you want me to do my job, or do you want to

go somewhere and dress me? Chill out.

Important thing is to address it, as you did. That worked for you. I

would not for me.

And you are right, customers should make thier choice based on skills

and not superficial impression things, but how often does a stupid

pretty boy get the nod over a nerdy looking genius? Look at some

politicians.

Doug

>

> So guys, I need some advice.

>

> My boss and I are very good friends. we have worked side by side, very

hard,

> for 4 long years. She is a little younger than my mom and I'm a little

older

> than her daughters.

>

> we are going through a rough time at our company. Just not enough

money

> coming in. She is also going through a rough time, her 25 year old

daughter

> moved home and is having a lot of problems mentally and physically.

>

> I'm also going through a time of intense psychological exploration and

> growth.

>

> So my problem is that she picks at me - little details. yesterday she

was

> very very stressed over a presentation so she started doing things

like

> telling me to go get more ice for the water picture, not too put too

many

> napkins on the table and the one that pissed me off - to go brush and

smooth

> my hair.I must say, if they make their decision to hire us to

represent them

> over those things, they are idiots. they should base their choice on

our

> skills.

>

> I'm almost 36 effing years old. I've been working in a career position

for

> going on 13 years. I can handle taking care of my own effing hair!!!!

>

> So what I did - I wrapped my arms around her, I hugged her, I told her

we

> were going to be great and rock the potential client's world and not

to

> stress.I did this seconds after she told me to brush my hair. I'm like

don't

> worry, its ok, we are the best at this, we have done this a thousand

times.

>

> So did I do the right thing? My interpretation is that she was looking

for

> things she could control - because she couldn't control the client's

> decision. And I think she controls me (or tries to) because I am a

surrogate

> daughter in some ways.

>

> I responded to her core need with love. I guess I feel good about

that.I do

> love her - but my hair is mine. No touchy!

>

> But I'd love to hear thoughts. . . because it did cross my boundary.

Thanks,

> Girlscout

>

> P.S. We did rock the presentation, though by the time they finally

arrived,

> she'd kinda brought me down and I wasn't as psyched. (I love public

speaking

> - I just look at it as a chance to perform, and I find that fun.)

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

GS - I think you're right. This was less about your hair than it was about her

having a last-minute freakout. Her reaction was just a spike of nervous energy.

It wasn't about you. And your reaction - giving her a big hug and telling her

it was all going to be OK - really spoke to her anxiety, rather than reacting to

the way her anxiety manifested itself. Good job! Now that you know she does

this, you can also plan ahead - next time you see her revving up before a

presentation or deadline, you'll know you can proactively head her off at the

pass, so to speak, before the anxiety makes her start picking at you. Maybe you

can start some kind of jitters-calming mantra - " Deep breaths! We are fabulous!

Deep breaths! " - Sort of like what the football players do in the huddle just

before they break?? (Doug, help me out here - I know they guys aren't hugging,

but don't they do some kind of unifying chant or yell before breaking the

huddle? Or is that just in the movies?)

> > >

> > > So guys, I need some advice.

> > >

> > > My boss and I are very good friends. we have worked side by side, very

> > hard,

> > > for 4 long years. She is a little younger than my mom and I'm a little

> > older

> > > than her daughters.

> > >

> > > we are going through a rough time at our company. Just not enough money

> > > coming in. She is also going through a rough time, her 25 year old

> > daughter

> > > moved home and is having a lot of problems mentally and physically.

> > >

> > > I'm also going through a time of intense psychological exploration and

> > > growth.

> > >

> > > So my problem is that she picks at me - little details. yesterday she was

> > > very very stressed over a presentation so she started doing things like

> > > telling me to go get more ice for the water picture, not too put too many

> > > napkins on the table and the one that pissed me off - to go brush and

> > smooth

> > > my hair.I must say, if they make their decision to hire us to represent

> > them

> > > over those things, they are idiots. they should base their choice on our

> > > skills.

> > >

> > > I'm almost 36 effing years old. I've been working in a career position

> > for

> > > going on 13 years. I can handle taking care of my own effing hair!!!!

> > >

> > > So what I did - I wrapped my arms around her, I hugged her, I told her we

> > > were going to be great and rock the potential client's world and not to

> > > stress.I did this seconds after she told me to brush my hair. I'm like

> > don't

> > > worry, its ok, we are the best at this, we have done this a thousand

> > times.

> > >

> > > So did I do the right thing? My interpretation is that she was looking

> > for

> > > things she could control - because she couldn't control the client's

> > > decision. And I think she controls me (or tries to) because I am a

> > surrogate

> > > daughter in some ways.

> > >

> > > I responded to her core need with love. I guess I feel good about that.I

> > do

> > > love her - but my hair is mine. No touchy!

> > >

> > > But I'd love to hear thoughts. . . because it did cross my boundary.

> > Thanks,

> > > Girlscout

> > >

> > > P.S. We did rock the presentation, though by the time they finally

> > arrived,

> > > she'd kinda brought me down and I wasn't as psyched. (I love public

> > speaking

> > > - I just look at it as a chance to perform, and I find that fun.)

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Ha ha - the football boys are in the huddle slapping each other on the

ASS!!!

Ha ha ha Doug, I CAN " T EVEN IMAGINE A MAN TELLING ANOTHER MAN TO GO BRUSH

HIS HAIR!!!!! How could that even happen? What's something they would do to

undermine each other's confidence though - maybe call each other the P word

or something?

Doug, go brush your hair. HA HA HA I love imagining that.

You know, I was doing my cheerleader thing right before we went on, telling

her how great we are etc (I love to perform, I danced, performed music, and

also taught those things for years and years so delivering a powerpoint is

just like a dance performance to me, but just with a different costume, and

I LOVE IT), so anyway she admitted to me yesterday that she was very tense,

I was very excited and upbeat and she got annoyed by my excitment and

relaxed " go for it attitude " It was also first thing in the morning, which

is my best, perkiest time of day. My whole life other people (well mainly

nada) have found it annoying that I wake up in a good mood ready to tackle

the day!

Ha ha ha, god forbid, I get EXCITED to do my job! Clearly the problem was

with her - and if she doesn't enjoy it, why has she been doing it for 12

years with a carreer total of about 26 years. Dude, time to learn to chill

and enjoy your work. And if, after all these years of experience, you still

go into melt down mode and can't sleep all night before a minor

presentation, something is wrong in my opinion.

Ha ha Doug, my boss is INCREDIBLY feminine. And to tell you the truth,

despite growing up in the back of a truck with tough cowboys for my only

role models, somehow I turned out super duper girly too.

(Another thing boss picks on me for is that I wear skirts and dresses to

work every day. I have very long legs (and monkey arms to match) and she is

very very petite with kinda stumpy limbs. So the theory is, that she is

jealous. Seriously, nothing wrong with wearing a dress to work and looking

nice!)

She's a good friend and a good person, but she is going through a rough time

- family problems, career problems. . . I feel bad for her. At the same

time, I feel like putting out a sign " Don't tread on me! "

By the way Doug, do you know who Mitt Romney is? Maybe I should dress up as

Mitt Romney for our next presentation. YES, I am a local hero as well as a

pretty boy AND a politician

On Fri, Oct 8, 2010 at 4:59 AM, shirleyspawn wrote:

>

>

> GS - I think you're right. This was less about your hair than it was about

> her having a last-minute freakout. Her reaction was just a spike of nervous

> energy. It wasn't about you. And your reaction - giving her a big hug and

> telling her it was all going to be OK - really spoke to her anxiety, rather

> than reacting to the way her anxiety manifested itself. Good job! Now that

> you know she does this, you can also plan ahead - next time you see her

> revving up before a presentation or deadline, you'll know you can

> proactively head her off at the pass, so to speak, before the anxiety makes

> her start picking at you. Maybe you can start some kind of jitters-calming

> mantra - " Deep breaths! We are fabulous! Deep breaths! " - Sort of like what

> the football players do in the huddle just before they break?? (Doug, help

> me out here - I know they guys aren't hugging, but don't they do some kind

> of unifying chant or yell before breaking the huddle? Or is that just in the

> movies?)

>

>

>

>

>

> > > >

> > > > So guys, I need some advice.

> > > >

> > > > My boss and I are very good friends. we have worked side by side,

> very

> > > hard,

> > > > for 4 long years. She is a little younger than my mom and I'm a

> little

> > > older

> > > > than her daughters.

> > > >

> > > > we are going through a rough time at our company. Just not enough

> money

> > > > coming in. She is also going through a rough time, her 25 year old

> > > daughter

> > > > moved home and is having a lot of problems mentally and physically.

> > > >

> > > > I'm also going through a time of intense psychological exploration

> and

> > > > growth.

> > > >

> > > > So my problem is that she picks at me - little details. yesterday she

> was

> > > > very very stressed over a presentation so she started doing things

> like

> > > > telling me to go get more ice for the water picture, not too put too

> many

> > > > napkins on the table and the one that pissed me off - to go brush and

> > > smooth

> > > > my hair.I must say, if they make their decision to hire us to

> represent

> > > them

> > > > over those things, they are idiots. they should base their choice on

> our

> > > > skills.

> > > >

> > > > I'm almost 36 effing years old. I've been working in a career

> position

> > > for

> > > > going on 13 years. I can handle taking care of my own effing hair!!!!

> > > >

> > > > So what I did - I wrapped my arms around her, I hugged her, I told

> her we

> > > > were going to be great and rock the potential client's world and not

> to

> > > > stress.I did this seconds after she told me to brush my hair. I'm

> like

> > > don't

> > > > worry, its ok, we are the best at this, we have done this a thousand

> > > times.

> > > >

> > > > So did I do the right thing? My interpretation is that she was

> looking

> > > for

> > > > things she could control - because she couldn't control the client's

> > > > decision. And I think she controls me (or tries to) because I am a

> > > surrogate

> > > > daughter in some ways.

> > > >

> > > > I responded to her core need with love. I guess I feel good about

> that.I

> > > do

> > > > love her - but my hair is mine. No touchy!

> > > >

> > > > But I'd love to hear thoughts. . . because it did cross my boundary.

> > > Thanks,

> > > > Girlscout

> > > >

> > > > P.S. We did rock the presentation, though by the time they finally

> > > arrived,

> > > > she'd kinda brought me down and I wasn't as psyched. (I love public

> > > speaking

> > > > - I just look at it as a chance to perform, and I find that fun.)

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >