Guest guest Posted October 10, 2010 Report Share Posted October 10, 2010 ((((((((((((kr))))))))))) Yes, when the reality hits it is hard to take in. It hurts. I understand, and I'm willing to bet the rest of the Group does too. -Annie > > I finally sent my BPD mother an email...and it turned out to be a little more angry than I had originally intended. I looked over it and I usually edit emails several times to make it diplomatic, gentle etc... but no matter how many times I looked at it, I just couldn't bring myself to care about her feelings anymore. I was just done putting her feelings first. So I sent it and went through the usual warning system to my brother and the people she lashes out at to steel themselves for some possible crazy behaviour. This was probably a month and a half ago. She hasn't called or emailed or spoken to me since, which has been surprising. > > We did have a scare while she was out of town and people were calling ME and leaving me messages because they couldn't get in touch with her. They sounded frantic so of course, I immediately jumped to the conclusion that she had followed through on the threat of killing herself. The few hours that night when I was trying to sort out what I should do (call the cops? go to the house?) was pretty awful. I felt such a horrid mixture of guilt, relief, apprehension, sorrow, disappointment with myself. I started planning what I would do when they found her body... I then found out that someone had spoken to her that night and she was just visiting her mother in a different city. Not a fun experience. > > Even then, though, I didn't want to talk to her. I don't want to open the floodgates. > > I just wish I could play cards with her and drink tea like we used to. She used to act like a normal person when we did that. She was fun. But I don't think it's possible to cherry pick that experience from all of the other bullshit she brings. > > I've been feeling relieved that I haven't had to put up with any of her shenanigans and that I haven't thought about it too much. But now I'm wondering what to do again. I so badly want my mother back - the good memories - but I really can't handle her BPD in my life. > > Something my therapist said is ringing in my ears - I'm just not going to get what I need from her. She is not capable of being a regular mom and I would be a fool to expect that somehow that would magically change. > > I'm just feeling sad and I know you guys understand. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 11, 2010 Report Share Posted October 11, 2010 Well I think it's a little harsh to say that you would be a fool to expect that to magically change. Every one of us struggles with letting go of that natural human hope that things will change with our BP parent. (I'm speaking for all of us apparently!) What I'm getting at is that it's natural to hope. But it is also a milestone that we KOs seem to reach at some point or another, the realization that these BPs are not going to change (or at least that statistics are vastly against them). For what it's worth, I still catch myself hoping and thinking " if things were different. " Even after nearly 20 years of LC to NC. Stepnada is VERY low functioning. But I love my dad and will always love my dad and want things to be different. I suppose that's always going to be the case. He sure won't separate himself from that quagmire on his own. Hugs, and we stand with you, Tina > > I finally sent my BPD mother an email...and it turned out to be a little more angry than I had originally intended. I looked over it and I usually edit emails several times to make it diplomatic, gentle etc... but no matter how many times I looked at it, I just couldn't bring myself to care about her feelings anymore. I was just done putting her feelings first. So I sent it and went through the usual warning system to my brother and the people she lashes out at to steel themselves for some possible crazy behaviour. This was probably a month and a half ago. She hasn't called or emailed or spoken to me since, which has been surprising. > > We did have a scare while she was out of town and people were calling ME and leaving me messages because they couldn't get in touch with her. They sounded frantic so of course, I immediately jumped to the conclusion that she had followed through on the threat of killing herself. The few hours that night when I was trying to sort out what I should do (call the cops? go to the house?) was pretty awful. I felt such a horrid mixture of guilt, relief, apprehension, sorrow, disappointment with myself. I started planning what I would do when they found her body... I then found out that someone had spoken to her that night and she was just visiting her mother in a different city. Not a fun experience. > > Even then, though, I didn't want to talk to her. I don't want to open the floodgates. > > I just wish I could play cards with her and drink tea like we used to. She used to act like a normal person when we did that. She was fun. But I don't think it's possible to cherry pick that experience from all of the other bullshit she brings. > > I've been feeling relieved that I haven't had to put up with any of her shenanigans and that I haven't thought about it too much. But now I'm wondering what to do again. I so badly want my mother back - the good memories - but I really can't handle her BPD in my life. > > Something my therapist said is ringing in my ears - I'm just not going to get what I need from her. She is not capable of being a regular mom and I would be a fool to expect that somehow that would magically change. > > I'm just feeling sad and I know you guys understand. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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