Re: procrastination

[Guest guest]

joe, I feel the same. I always wondered why I take the middle road...not making

decisions til they are made for me...not taking care of myself until I have

to...everything you just said is what I've done also. I made no committments to

anyone during those years...because I knew if I did...I would have my mom

battering me telling me I've made another wrong decision...it was just too hard.

procrastination

Having begun to see my mother's behavior for what it is, after a long period of

idealizing her and giving credence to her complaints about me has revealed to me

a scary truth that I really don't know how to deal with.

I procrastinate as the only way to keep myself safe. This has pretty much ruined

my life.

It's not an exaggeration. I have realized over the course of the last few months

that there was a period when I was between the ages of 6 to 8 where several

things that I was looking forward to in great anticipation went horribly wrong.

I also changed schools three times in those three years. I seem to have made

some decision at that point that anything I ever feel hope about will go wrong,

and that any decision I make will be the wrong one, by default. Therefore my

entire life I have waited til there isn't an option but one, if that, to act. I

only go to work at night when I absolutely have to (I can go in hours earlier

but don't.) I only get started once I get there when I *have* to, sometimes I go

in but don't clock in and just sit there and watch tv. I wait til the last

minute to do anything so that I am *forced* to take action. To not do so fills

me with this overwhelming anxiety and I know something really bad is going to

happen if I act of my own accord before somethin g HAS to be done. The only

exception to this seems to be my schoolwork, I am in school part time. But other

than that I feel like I have walked through life frozen and terrified to make a

move in any direction or a decision of any kind. Can anyone relate to this? Not

so much the procrastinating but the anxiety that I am just noticing for the

first time in my life, after 4 decades of carrying it, that any act I take of my

own accord is going to cause lightning bolts to rain down from the sky. It's

that feeling of fear that I can't believe I didn't even know was there, 'don't

do that, something bad is going to happen if you make a decision.

I know part of it is when I got angry or argued with anyone (even my brothers

who were younger than me) my mother would say, what if that person had a heart

attack tomorrow, or, what if that person got drafted because we are going to war

tomorrow. It also comes from being blamed about everything because in households

with PD parents, everything under the sun is YOUR FAULT.

[Guest guest]

I am a procrastinator but I never gave it much thought. I just figured I did

better under pressure. :-). I went to 14 different schools from K-12. My Mom

had 4 husbands and various other men in her life. I told myself that all that

disruption taught me how to be flexible and to not have expectations. Beyond

that I haven't given it much thought, that is a tie between having a BP parent

and being a procrastinator. It will be interesting to see if others have this

habit too.

>

> Having begun to see my mother's behavior for what it is, after a long period

of idealizing her and giving credence to her complaints about me has revealed to

me a scary truth that I really don't know how to deal with.

>

> I procrastinate as the only way to keep myself safe. This has pretty much

ruined my life.

>

> It's not an exaggeration. I have realized over the course of the last few

months that there was a period when I was between the ages of 6 to 8 where

several things that I was looking forward to in great anticipation went horribly

wrong. I also changed schools three times in those three years. I seem to have

made some decision at that point that anything I ever feel hope about will go

wrong, and that any decision I make will be the wrong one, by default. Therefore

my entire life I have waited til there isn't an option but one, if that, to act.

I only go to work at night when I absolutely have to (I can go in hours earlier

but don't.) I only get started once I get there when I *have* to, sometimes I go

in but don't clock in and just sit there and watch tv. I wait til the last

minute to do anything so that I am *forced* to take action. To not do so fills

me with this overwhelming anxiety and I know something really bad is going to

happen if I act of my own accord before something HAS to be done. The only

exception to this seems to be my schoolwork, I am in school part time. But other

than that I feel like I have walked through life frozen and terrified to make a

move in any direction or a decision of any kind. Can anyone relate to this? Not

so much the procrastinating but the anxiety that I am just noticing for the

first time in my life, after 4 decades of carrying it, that any act I take of my

own accord is going to cause lightning bolts to rain down from the sky. It's

that feeling of fear that I can't believe I didn't even know was there, 'don't

do that, something bad is going to happen if you make a decision.

>

> I know part of it is when I got angry or argued with anyone (even my brothers

who were younger than me) my mother would say, what if that person had a heart

attack tomorrow, or, what if that person got drafted because we are going to war

tomorrow. It also comes from being blamed about everything because in households

with PD parents, everything under the sun is YOUR FAULT.

>

[Guest guest]

I totally buy this as a coping mechanism for a child/adult child of a bpd

parent; I do it too.

Any choice I made about anything was fraught with anxiety and even fear,

worrying about how my nada would react to it. If she herself didn't pick

something out for me or make her preferences known to me, and I instead picked

out this or that thing myself (dining room set, shoes, hairstyle, etc) she'd

criticize it. I during my childhood I evolved into someone who simply froze

into a piece of stone. I never made decisions about anything if I could

possibly help it.

Doing nothing at all about anything got me less criticism and anxiety; it was

safer.

My mother literally turned me into an inanimate object, which was the only way

she could relate to me.

Nada could not handle having a child/adult child who had different thoughts,

opinions, tastes, needs, etc than she did, and I was too frightened of her and

needy of her approval to challenge her.

-Annie

> >

> > Having begun to see my mother's behavior for what it is, after a long period

of idealizing her and giving credence to her complaints about me has revealed to

me a scary truth that I really don't know how to deal with.

> >

> > I procrastinate as the only way to keep myself safe. This has pretty much

ruined my life.

> >

> > It's not an exaggeration. I have realized over the course of the last few

months that there was a period when I was between the ages of 6 to 8 where

several things that I was looking forward to in great anticipation went horribly

wrong. I also changed schools three times in those three years. I seem to have

made some decision at that point that anything I ever feel hope about will go

wrong, and that any decision I make will be the wrong one, by default. Therefore

my entire life I have waited til there isn't an option but one, if that, to act.

I only go to work at night when I absolutely have to (I can go in hours earlier

but don't.) I only get started once I get there when I *have* to, sometimes I go

in but don't clock in and just sit there and watch tv. I wait til the last

minute to do anything so that I am *forced* to take action. To not do so fills

me with this overwhelming anxiety and I know something really bad is going to

happen if I act of my own accord before something HAS to be done. The only

exception to this seems to be my schoolwork, I am in school part time. But other

than that I feel like I have walked through life frozen and terrified to make a

move in any direction or a decision of any kind. Can anyone relate to this? Not

so much the procrastinating but the anxiety that I am just noticing for the

first time in my life, after 4 decades of carrying it, that any act I take of my

own accord is going to cause lightning bolts to rain down from the sky. It's

that feeling of fear that I can't believe I didn't even know was there, 'don't

do that, something bad is going to happen if you make a decision.

> >

> > I know part of it is when I got angry or argued with anyone (even my

brothers who were younger than me) my mother would say, what if that person had

a heart attack tomorrow, or, what if that person got drafted because we are

going to war tomorrow. It also comes from being blamed about everything because

in households with PD parents, everything under the sun is YOUR FAULT.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I've always been the opposite of the procrastinator - structured, scheduled,

on time and on message. . . parentificiation. i don't even know HOW to relax

or have fun. . .

On Sun, Oct 24, 2010 at 9:59 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> I totally buy this as a coping mechanism for a child/adult child of a bpd

> parent; I do it too.

>

> Any choice I made about anything was fraught with anxiety and even fear,

> worrying about how my nada would react to it. If she herself didn't pick

> something out for me or make her preferences known to me, and I instead

> picked out this or that thing myself (dining room set, shoes, hairstyle,

> etc) she'd criticize it. I during my childhood I evolved into someone who

> simply froze into a piece of stone. I never made decisions about anything if

> I could possibly help it.

>

> Doing nothing at all about anything got me less criticism and anxiety; it

> was safer.

>

> My mother literally turned me into an inanimate object, which was the only

> way she could relate to me.

>

> Nada could not handle having a child/adult child who had different

> thoughts, opinions, tastes, needs, etc than she did, and I was too

> frightened of her and needy of her approval to challenge her.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> > >

> > > Having begun to see my mother's behavior for what it is, after a long

> period of idealizing her and giving credence to her complaints about me has

> revealed to me a scary truth that I really don't know how to deal with.

> > >

> > > I procrastinate as the only way to keep myself safe. This has pretty

> much ruined my life.

> > >

> > > It's not an exaggeration. I have realized over the course of the last

> few months that there was a period when I was between the ages of 6 to 8

> where several things that I was looking forward to in great anticipation

> went horribly wrong. I also changed schools three times in those three

> years. I seem to have made some decision at that point that anything I ever

> feel hope about will go wrong, and that any decision I make will be the

> wrong one, by default. Therefore my entire life I have waited til there

> isn't an option but one, if that, to act. I only go to work at night when I

> absolutely have to (I can go in hours earlier but don't.) I only get started

> once I get there when I *have* to, sometimes I go in but don't clock in and

> just sit there and watch tv. I wait til the last minute to do anything so

> that I am *forced* to take action. To not do so fills me with this

> overwhelming anxiety and I know something really bad is going to happen if I

> act of my own accord before something HAS to be done. The only exception to

> this seems to be my schoolwork, I am in school part time. But other than

> that I feel like I have walked through life frozen and terrified to make a

> move in any direction or a decision of any kind. Can anyone relate to this?

> Not so much the procrastinating but the anxiety that I am just noticing for

> the first time in my life, after 4 decades of carrying it, that any act I

> take of my own accord is going to cause lightning bolts to rain down from

> the sky. It's that feeling of fear that I can't believe I didn't even know

> was there, 'don't do that, something bad is going to happen if you make a

> decision.

> > >

> > > I know part of it is when I got angry or argued with anyone (even my

> brothers who were younger than me) my mother would say, what if that person

> had a heart attack tomorrow, or, what if that person got drafted because we

> are going to war tomorrow. It also comes from being blamed about everything

> because in households with PD parents, everything under the sun is YOUR

> FAULT.

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

This message and most of the others in this thread are speaking for me. I have

horrible procratination issues--all the while experiencing the anxiety and

guilt, and then beating myself up for putting myself through all of this.

Not only that, but most things that require further action/follow up from me end

up piling up to " critical anxiety mass. "

I never put my bpd mom at the root of his before--but obviously there is a huge

correlation. Anytime mom had to get ready to go somewhere she would have an

epic, abusive, meltdown. It was very frightening. The only way to cope was to

hide. So many 'little' things were just way blown out of proportion. Even though

I see them as small things, I find myself experiencing the same stress reaction

to doing them that accompanied me as a child, even though mom is no where

nearby.

I have many great ideas, but I falter in the planning and execution of them.

This leads to lots of undone projects. This is a souce of huge embarassment to

me. My confidence suffers, then the little " you are a failure' tape plays in my

head.

I am at a low point tonight. But it is so disheatening to see that for how far I

have come through therapy and self actualization, I am still a cripple of her

making.

[Guest guest]

echobabe...i suffer the same as you to a T. I am the most creative person

around, and I have the best of ideas, but don't have the " follow-thru " energy to

get any of them done...it's easier to give up and disappear away....so finally

just this year, I decided to cut my losses and take one of my ideas and run with

it. If I don't, I'll regret that...so I'm working on it now. It ends here...and

I have to take back my life, my creativity, my peace of mind.

Take one of your ideas...and run with it.

Amy

Re: procrastination

This message and most of the others in this thread are speaking for me. I have

horrible procratination issues--all the while experiencing the anxiety and

guilt, and then beating myself up for putting myself through all of this.

Not only that, but most things that require further action/follow up from me end

up piling up to " critical anxiety mass. "

I never put my bpd mom at the root of his before--but obviously there is a huge

correlation. Anytime mom had to get ready to go somewhere she would have an

epic, abusive, meltdown. It was very frightening. The only way to cope was to

hide. So many 'little' things were just way blown out of proportion. Even though

I see them as small things, I find myself experiencing the same stress reaction

to doing them that accompanied me as a child, even though mom is no where

nearby.

I have many great ideas, but I falter in the planning and execution of them.

This leads to lots of undone projects. This is a souce of huge embarassment to

me. My confidence suffers, then the little " you are a failure' tape plays in my

head.

I am at a low point tonight. But it is so disheatening to see that for how far I

have come through therapy and self actualization, I am still a cripple of her

making.

[Guest guest]

For me having a BP parent has led to me having (ADD) - either led to it or at

least contributed/aggravated it. My brain was/is always doing multiple things..a

task manager if you will... The task at hand, listening to the TV or music as

well as listening to noises beyond: 'scanning the air waves' in the background

for the situation or auditory comments coming from my BP, or the slamming of

cabinets, stomping up the stairs, etc.... but many times I didn't see it

coming.. the truth about BP's: The A-bombs (I call it).. now my mind is

conditioned... always scanning for noises or objects,shadows and uncomfortable

silence; thinking my BP is going to bust down the door and slam me in the head

with a book or broom.

ADD (ADHD) is can be common with children of BP's and ADD = Procrastination. We

had to learn how to postpone doing things for ourselves.. guessing if it would

be ok with our BP.. would it trigger something.. were we doing what our BP

wanted/needed .. to decrease/low/minimize the A-BOMBs.. pushing what we

wanted/needed to be done to the side.. postponing it. Doing this over and over

through out childhood or even as an adult can causes a learned condition that

can simulate ADD... but the good news is it can be reversed with cognitive

therapy and medication. I'm no doc but I found that treatment with Strattera has

helped me a lot with task management and procrastination. I also have PTSD, and

the Strattera aggravated this slightly. Cogentin is a medication for people with

ADD and PTSD that will reduce/eliminate the shaking and anxiety that some ADD

medications can create.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sun, October 24, 2010 11:59:19 AM

Subject: Re: procrastination

I totally buy this as a coping mechanism for a child/adult child of a bpd

parent; I do it too.

Any choice I made about anything was fraught with anxiety and even fear,

worrying about how my nada would react to it. If she herself didn't pick

something out for me or make her preferences known to me, and I instead picked

out this or that thing myself (dining room set, shoes, hairstyle, etc) she'd

criticize it. I during my childhood I evolved into someone who simply froze

into a piece of stone. I never made decisions about anything if I could

possibly help it.

Doing nothing at all about anything got me less criticism and anxiety; it was

safer.

My mother literally turned me into an inanimate object, which was the only way

she could relate to me.

Nada could not handle having a child/adult child who had different thoughts,

opinions, tastes, needs, etc than she did, and I was too frightened of her and

needy of her approval to challenge her.

-Annie

> >

> > Having begun to see my mother's behavior for what it is, after a long period

>of idealizing her and giving credence to her complaints about me has revealed

to

>me a scary truth that I really don't know how to deal with.

> >

> > I procrastinate as the only way to keep myself safe. This has pretty much

>ruined my life.

>

> >

> > It's not an exaggeration. I have realized over the course of the last few

>months that there was a period when I was between the ages of 6 to 8 where

>several things that I was looking forward to in great anticipation went

horribly

>wrong. I also changed schools three times in those three years. I seem to have

>made some decision at that point that anything I ever feel hope about will go

>wrong, and that any decision I make will be the wrong one, by default.

Therefore

>my entire life I have waited til there isn't an option but one, if that, to

act.

>I only go to work at night when I absolutely have to (I can go in hours earlier

>but don't.) I only get started once I get there when I *have* to, sometimes I

go

>in but don't clock in and just sit there and watch tv. I wait til the last

>minute to do anything so that I am *forced* to take action. To not do so fills

>me with this overwhelming anxiety and I know something really bad is going to

>happen if I act of my own accord before something HAS to be done. The only

>exception to this seems to be my schoolwork, I am in school part time. But

other

>than that I feel like I have walked through life frozen and terrified to make a

>move in any direction or a decision of any kind. Can anyone relate to this? Not

>so much the procrastinating but the anxiety that I am just noticing for the

>first time in my life, after 4 decades of carrying it, that any act I take of

my

>own accord is going to cause lightning bolts to rain down from the sky. It's

>that feeling of fear that I can't believe I didn't even know was there, 'don't

>do that, something bad is going to happen if you make a decision.

> >

> > I know part of it is when I got angry or argued with anyone (even my

brothers

>who were younger than me) my mother would say, what if that person had a heart

>attack tomorrow, or, what if that person got drafted because we are going to

war

>tomorrow. It also comes from being blamed about everything because in

households

>with PD parents, everything under the sun is YOUR FAULT.

> >

>