Re: is there an appropriate way to respond to a gloomy waif?

[Guest guest]

sometimes I tell her how it's not that bad. and work real hard to convince

her that it's not the end of the world. I have her play out what the worst

case scenario would be..sometime she sees yeah the worst case is not the end

of the world...some times she just wants to feel that way. So I tell her

well if that's what your going to tell yourself then you right..I'm not

going to try to change your mind it seems to me your mind is made up

>

>

> what do people here do with a nada convinced that everything is tragic all

> the time?

>

> it's exhausting.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hey, does anybody know a live chat room for us here?  I'd love a real time chat.

>

>

> what do people here do with a nada convinced that everything is tragic all

> the time?

>

> it's exhausting.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My strategy is humor.  If you can make them laugh it helps.  Usually though,

it's a misery wall that gets worse as I'm cracking jokes before the eventual

laugh.  All my jokes are at my expense though and It's time consuming but at the

end we both laugh and my Dad snaps out of it for a few moments.   It's not easy

and boy are you right when they act and say the world is a horrible tragic

place.  They really believe it, man it's sooo toxic.

>

>

> what do people here do with a nada convinced that everything is tragic all

> the time?

>

> it's exhausting.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think sharing a different viewpoint is valid and if the waif continues on

gloomily, just hold to your guns saying I see it this other (more positive) way

and then change the subject. And kind of related to my previous thread

sometimes a gloomy person legitimately does need to be listened in a

compassionate way - I guess you've just got to determine if it's gone beyond

that into some unhealthy territory.

>

> what do people here do with a nada convinced that everything is tragic all the

time?

>

> it's exhausting.

>

[Guest guest]

My mother was the queen of all waifs. Nothing I did...humor, arguing with her,

trying to jerk her into reality...NOTHING worked. She was a worst case

scenario, nobody loves me, everybody hates, come take care of me, feel sorry for

me, have sympathy for me kind of person.

The bad thing is that now...I have NO TOLERANCE for waify people. None. That

whole crying, whining victim thing? DRIVES ME NUTS. I hate it. And in some

ways, it has made me an unsympathetic person.

Re: is there an appropriate way to respond to a

gloomy waif?

My strategy is humor. If you can make them laugh it helps. Usually though,

it's a misery wall that gets worse as I'm cracking jokes before the eventual

laugh. All my jokes are at my expense though and It's time consuming but at the

end we both laugh and my Dad snaps out of it for a few moments. It's not easy

and boy are you right when they act and say the world is a horrible tragic

place. They really believe it, man it's sooo toxic.

>

>

> what do people here do with a nada convinced that everything is tragic all

> the time?

>

> it's exhausting.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I shut down emotionally and stay away.

I'm done acting like Glinda the Good Witch.

>

> what do people here do with a nada convinced that everything is tragic all the

time?

>

> it's exhausting.

>

[Guest guest]

You've described me.

NO TOLERANCE. I don't want to hear it. Sick of it.

As soon as it starts, I read the paper, file my nails, whatever until it ends.

Yesterday, I called my mother and she answers the phone in a croaky, sickly

voice, " helllo??? " I said, " wow you don't sound well. "

She said, again croaky-like, " yeah, I'm not feeling too good. "

And as the conversation went on, she got progressively better. Which I knew

would happen, b/c she does this all the time. I said, " hey, you sound MUCH

better! " how about that??

She just blew it off.

It was just her usual " feel sorry for me " tactic. Yawn.

>

>

> My mother was the queen of all waifs. Nothing I did...humor, arguing with

her, trying to jerk her into reality...NOTHING worked. She was a worst case

scenario, nobody loves me, everybody hates, come take care of me, feel sorry for

me, have sympathy for me kind of person.

>

> The bad thing is that now...I have NO TOLERANCE for waify people. None. That

whole crying, whining victim thing? DRIVES ME NUTS. I hate it. And in some

ways, it has made me an unsympathetic person.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Personally, I try to exit stage left as fast as I can. Unless its

> someone I work with, I'm so outta there. If it is someone I work with, and I

> can't gracefully escape without risking my job, I tend to get

> silly/clownish and try to make them smile. I lean that way anyway, though

> sometimes I'm not in the mood to be a dancing monkey. The thing I like about

> it though, is that you can really irritate the living hell out of someone

> just by being in a good mood when they are in a bad one, or taking a

> confident attitude when they feel vulnerable. Ha ha ha (evil laugh), its the

> actress in me, I enjoy it. If I don't feel funny, confident etc, I get

> myself there quick. It is my mental armour - I'm too busy assuming an

> attitude to let them pull me under.

>

But if you can, just get the eff outta there! Go live your live around more

pleasant people.

> ------------+++++++++++

>

> Yesterday, I called my mother and she answers the phone in a croaky,

> sickly voice, " helllo??? " I said, " wow you don't sound well. "

>

> She said, again croaky-like, " yeah, I'm not feeling too good. "

>

> And as the conversation went on, she got progressively better. Which I knew

> would happen, b/c she does this all the time. I said, " hey, you sound MUCH

> better! " how about that??

>

> She just blew it off.

>

> It was just her usual " feel sorry for me " tactic. Yawn.

>

>

>

> >

> >

> > My mother was the queen of all waifs. Nothing I did...humor, arguing with

> her, trying to jerk her into reality...NOTHING worked. She was a worst case

> scenario, nobody loves me, everybody hates, come take care of me, feel sorry

> for me, have sympathy for me kind of person.

> >

> > The bad thing is that now...I have NO TOLERANCE for waify people. None.

> That whole crying, whining victim thing? DRIVES ME NUTS. I hate it. And in

> some ways, it has made me an unsympathetic person.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

OMG. That was so my mother! LOL I think we are twins, Fiona. Seriously. My

mother did the same thing. She would answer the phone and be breathless or real

sickly and say, " Heeeelllloooo " in this wimpy, waify, way. Then 10 minutes into

the conversation, she was fine.

It would be kinda funny sometimes. If I didn't react to her sickly hello voice

and just ignored it...a lot of times she'd accuse me of not caring how she was

and my dad would call me later and ask me why I was so mean to her. LOL

Re: is there an appropriate way to respond to a

gloomy waif?

You've described me.

NO TOLERANCE. I don't want to hear it. Sick of it.

As soon as it starts, I read the paper, file my nails, whatever until it ends.

Yesterday, I called my mother and she answers the phone in a croaky, sickly

voice, " helllo??? " I said, " wow you don't sound well. "

She said, again croaky-like, " yeah, I'm not feeling too good. "

And as the conversation went on, she got progressively better. Which I knew

would happen, b/c she does this all the time. I said, " hey, you sound MUCH

better! " how about that??

She just blew it off.

It was just her usual " feel sorry for me " tactic. Yawn.

>

>

> My mother was the queen of all waifs. Nothing I did...humor, arguing with her,

trying to jerk her into reality...NOTHING worked. She was a worst case scenario,

nobody loves me, everybody hates, come take care of me, feel sorry for me, have

sympathy for me kind of person.

>

> The bad thing is that now...I have NO TOLERANCE for waify people. None. That

whole crying, whining victim thing? DRIVES ME NUTS. I hate it. And in some ways,

it has made me an unsympathetic person.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Triplets? My nada as well does the sickly " hellloooo " with dramatic pauses

waiting for me to be all worried.

> >

> >

> > My mother was the queen of all waifs. Nothing I did...humor, arguing with

her, trying to jerk her into reality...NOTHING worked. She was a worst case

scenario, nobody loves me, everybody hates, come take care of me, feel sorry for

me, have sympathy for me kind of person.

> >

> > The bad thing is that now...I have NO TOLERANCE for waify people. None. That

whole crying, whining victim thing? DRIVES ME NUTS. I hate it. And in some ways,

it has made me an unsympathetic person.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

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>

>

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>

[Guest guest]

My nada just outright complains about how horrible she feels ect ect. She

will miraculously recover within minutes to hours.

--

" By definition, madness ends in one of two ways: clarity...or death. "

-- *Frantic

Purification*

[Guest guest]

ppfff - they are rediculous, arent they? I remember visiting my mother in

hospital once (donkey's years ago) because she told everyone she had a

hysterectomy. I remember wondering why the hell she would have one - she hadnt

had any health problems. When I got there she told me she had just had a minor

surgery to fix a leaky bladder. She made up a lie so she could get sympathy, and

because she felt she could complain to everyone about a hysterectomy - bladder

leakage she would have had to keep quiet about, not dramatic enough!!

[Guest guest]

>

> Triplets? My nada as well does the sickly " hellloooo " with dramatic pauses

waiting for me to be all worried.

>

>

Wow seriously we are all related in this way. This is a given with a phone

call around here. It's the sickly/sad (recently experienced some drama) or the

frantic/breathless (in the middle of some drama).

[Guest guest]

I'm new here...but everything everyone says is very familiar to me. My mom told

me I was dead to her because she didn't like my beloved boyfriend many years ago

and would tell everyone that she had one child, a son. When I told my passive

father that I felt like I wanted to kill myself because I couldn't find a way to

deal with this, he told me I should just do it. Anyone else have these

experiences??

I am happily married now to someone else for 19 years, have a bunch of happy

kids, but I hold much resentment for both of them. When I want to be the

daughter I should be, I can't...the hurt runs way too deep. I've forgiven, I

think...but I can never forget.

> > >

> > >

> > > My mother was the queen of all waifs. Nothing I did...humor, arguing with

her, trying to jerk her into reality...NOTHING worked. She was a worst case

scenario, nobody loves me, everybody hates, come take care of me, feel sorry for

me, have sympathy for me kind of person.

> > >

> > > The bad thing is that now...I have NO TOLERANCE for waify people. None.

That whole crying, whining victim thing? DRIVES ME NUTS. I hate it. And in some

ways, it has made me an unsympathetic person.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

It is exhausting, Joe. Extremely. I was sucked into it with her for

many years.

Finally, I re wrote the script.

Me: Mom , how are you today?

Nada: I m in the pits of hell.

Me: Sorry to hear that. So grandson has a soccer game tonite and I m

gonna watch him. You re welcome to come with me.

Nada: I couldnt face being around all those kids. It would make me think

of S ( my sister who had died 50 years before) and I d just go to

pieces.

Me: Sorry to have you miss it. But I m going. Well, I have to get back

to work, talk to you later.

See how its done? Acknowledge what she says, but do not give her points

for it or let it drive the conversation.

That worked for me.

Doug

>

> what do people here do with a nada convinced that everything is tragic

all the time?

>

> it's exhausting.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm glad that you found something that worked for you, Doug. That sounds like a

very compassionate way of dealing with a gloomy waif-nada.

But that wouldn't work with my nada when she's in queen/witch mode; if I were to

be in that scenario you describe, my nada would perceive me not actively

commiserating with her and not putting aside my priorities to fly to her side as

me being selfish and a bad daughter.

I guess each of us has to figure out what will work best for us, with our

particular flavor of nada.

-Annie

>

> It is exhausting, Joe. Extremely. I was sucked into it with her for

> many years.

>

> Finally, I re wrote the script.

>

> Me: Mom , how are you today?

>

> Nada: I m in the pits of hell.

>

> Me: Sorry to hear that. So grandson has a soccer game tonite and I m

> gonna watch him. You re welcome to come with me.

>

> Nada: I couldnt face being around all those kids. It would make me think

> of S ( my sister who had died 50 years before) and I d just go to

> pieces.

>

> Me: Sorry to have you miss it. But I m going. Well, I have to get back

> to work, talk to you later.

>

> See how its done? Acknowledge what she says, but do not give her points

> for it or let it drive the conversation.

>

> That worked for me.

>

> Doug

[Guest guest]

I wrote that last comment about my mom telling me i was dead to her for 7 long

years...anyone else suffer this? I'm so afraid of her ultimate threat to

me... " You'll be so sorry when I'm gone. " It's haunting...and my adult rational

mind dismisses it, but my heart remembers it and fears it very much. She

terrified me about the day she goes. It still stuns me when I think of it. ----

Amy

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > My mother was the queen of all waifs. Nothing I did...humor, arguing

with her, trying to jerk her into reality...NOTHING worked. She was a worst case

scenario, nobody loves me, everybody hates, come take care of me, feel sorry for

me, have sympathy for me kind of person.

> > > >

> > > > The bad thing is that now...I have NO TOLERANCE for waify people. None.

That whole crying, whining victim thing? DRIVES ME NUTS. I hate it. And in some

ways, it has made me an unsympathetic person.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

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[Guest guest]

the scary thing is i see so much of this in myself. I have these fleas,

partially because it has taken me up until this point to really understand that

things were NOT as bad as she made them out to be and that she was not blameless

but was milking every situation for martyrdom that she could get out of it.

So I have emulated alot of her behavior because fada is NPD so I thought, well

she must be 'the good one'. The truth is they are both crazy. And I have seen a

side of her now that I can't even fully absorb yet. She had a horrible awful

childhood, that much is true, and since it's unresolved trauma she carries it

all over the place through life.

But it has really affected me and I tend to do the 'woe is me' thing as well.

>

> >

> >

> > what do people here do with a nada convinced that everything is tragic all

> > the time?

> >

> > it's exhausting.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

I really like the sound of that. It maintains your equilibrium, you are

including her in plans if she so chooses but you are not allowing her to drag

you into wallowing with her.

> >

> > what do people here do with a nada convinced that everything is tragic

> all the time?

> >

> > it's exhausting.

> >

>