Re: Re: Martyr Mom

[Guest guest]

You can't deny it but it happened and the truth is, as you experienced it is

-how it really was-. There is probably little or no distortion on what you feel

happened to you. It's so common for BP to deny, neglect or disassociate with

what they did, or didn't do that you may think it didn't happen. This happened

to me. I didn't realize til I was 22 that mom never hugged us or said I love

you.. it was a friend that pointed it out to me. to me, that was just normal.

I felt bad for my mom too. My grandfather was a raging alcoholic and religiously

beat my mom and other family members. My mom is also an ACOA (Adult child of an

alcoholic) One time talking she was lashing out, I was a early teen, and she

grabbed whatever was the closest (as she often did) and whacked me on the head

with it because I said something ( " back talking " ) or didn't do a chore good

enough. I told her she was abusive and she would retort that I did not know

abuse, she was abuse.. her dad would beat the crap out of her. I would say and

you beat us.. she would just walk away and later tell us " we are privileged and

we are not abuse and if we want real abuse she can let us have it " ...

What's worse then getting hit on head multiple times by an iron casted pan? ha.

I laugh now... then it wasn't funny but the denial of my mom is just incredible.

now I know it's a disease. I wish I knew then.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Fri, October 22, 2010 11:43:37 PM

Subject: Re: Re: Martyr Mom

wow...so important...i will be thinking about this...i have always denied the

treatment i got...writing it off...feeling bad for her sad past...but the

reality was too harsh to believe. Very powerful...thank you.

Re: Martyr Mom

Denying reality is a very effective survival tool for helpless, dependent

children desperate for attention and affection.

If the dependent child can convince himself or herself that:

1. what is happening to me is OK, normal, and my mommy and/or daddy really loves

me,

OR

2. that I am actually very defective, unlovable, and deserve to be mistreated or

neglected

then that gives the child the ability to survive abuse.

The first response denies that the abuse even exists at all (Abuse? What abuse?)

and the second response is that even if we believe that the abuse is happening

because we deserve it, because we are bad and unlovable, still, it allows for

the possibility of change and improving ourselves so that we have the potential

to earn our parents' love.

Denial and dissociation keep reality at bay, and keep the child from committing

suicide out of complete despair and hopelessness.

When we can allow ourselves to safely experience reality, the real behaviors

from our parents the way they are really intended instead of coating the abusive

behaviors directed at us with a sugary explanation, then I think we can finally

begin to engage in setting healthy boundaries for ourselves and not buy into our

parents' familiar excuses and manipulations any longer.

That's my theory, anyway, to take or leave.

-Annie

>

> my forgetful heart always softens and I feel the need to be with my

mom...until

>she disappoints me again. When will I learn reality?

[Guest guest]

It helps me to remember that the illness is not about me and not about her; it

is an illness.  With any illness come symptoms.  For appendicitis it's pain

and

vomiting, high fever.  For colds it's coughing, sneezing, sore throat, feeling

blah.  For people with BPD and for bipolars, too, the symptoms are different

and

have much different effects both on the person with the disease and those of us

close to them.  We've been hurt so much, trashed in some ways, traumatized in

other ways, abused, certainly, controlled, manipulated and so much more that

it's hard to remember these are effects of symptoms and it's the symptoms and

disease that are the enemy, not the person.  It's hard to be able to separate

the person from the disease and its symptoms, which are behavioral

manifestations, but eventually it can be done.

You can never " be good enough " because it isn't about how good you are.  You

are

good enough just as you are.  And your mother can never match the " ideal " in

your mind because -- well, for myself, my ideal mom is someone even I couldn't

be.

The unreasonable demands, trashing of your husband to you, telling you what to

think and who to be are symptoms of her disease.  They are also demeaning,

controlling, indicative of great self-esteem problems, mean, cruel, etc.  They

feel terrible and when we've had a lifetime of them we almost have PTSD!

So I think for me -- I had to work on myself.  I wasn't the one with the

disease

but I personally have this things about family being family for better or for

worse.  I can't change the person in my family with the disease.  But I can

change me.  For me, with my personality makeup, running away was not the answer

but I can certainly understand it for those who feel they can do no other.  But

though I did not inherit the disease I did have some areas of weakness and pain

and trauma that needed to be resolved before I could begin to think of working

with the family BPD.

It is not selfish to work on ourselves.  Eventually I came to a place where I

can have limited contact with her.  But there are boundaries and they must be

followed or I just take her home.  I set the rules but I do it with love, now,

not with the aggressiveness and what others perceive as cold heartedness that

comes from the pain inside of me because of what she did.  With help and

guidance I was able to keep the disease she had away from having any ability to

do any more damage to me.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sat, October 23, 2010 8:19:13 AM

Subject: Re: Martyr Mom

 

" my forgetful heart always softens and I feel the need to be with my mom...until

she disappoints me again. When will I learn reality? "

Amen, amen, AMEN!!!! That's exactly how I feel! I know sooner or later she's

going to put unreasonable demands on me, or start trashing my husband to me, or

try to tell me what to think and who to be. But I still have this image in my

head of what " mother " looks like, and I keep trying, hoping that if I can just

be a good (enough) girl, she'll match the ideal. It's terribly painful.