Re: family emergency

[Guest guest]

Oh geez that poor kid - I'm so so so sorry.

And nada only makes it worse. I'd focus on the important thing - the child

and forget about nada. If she does show up, just put up your spidey force

field around you best you can, duck her as much as you can and focus on what

matters.I can give you some tips for avoiding her that I used to use on my

nada-in-law before my divorce.

I agree - nada is not the gatekeeper to grandma, its none of her beeswax.

And can I add, what a bitch to act like its some nasty contagious disease!

Grrrr!

Sorry on so many levels. I bet you the little boy will do great though -

moden medicine is amazing! And to be honest - children are also SO amazing!

On Tue, Oct 12, 2010 at 1:18 AM, crazy150345 wrote:

>

>

> My complicated family has just got more complicated. My twin sister (who I

> don't talk to often as she can act a lot like nada) has called me to let me

> know that one of her boys (2yrs old) had an accident a few days ago, and as

> a result is paralysed. He had a fall, was taken to hospital, and the doctors

> have found that he has a rare bone disorder that has causes some of his

> bones to grow faster than others. The vertebrae holding his skull to his

> spine are too small – strangling his spinal cord, hence his paralysis when

> he got a bad knock. He is going in for surgery later this week to widen the

> hole in the vertebrae to take the pressure off his spinal column, and to

> brace his vertebrae so he doesn't brake his neck as he grows older and

> heavier. He should hopefully be able to walk, but will suffer complications

> of this disorder in his legs and spine for life.

> The docs say it is genetic, and asked my sister has been asked to try to

> find where it has been passed from – so she rang nada. Mum didn't care that

> her grandson was in hospital, or that my sister is distraught and under so

> much stress – she got offended that it was suggested that she may have

> carried the gene responsible. She began screaming at my sister that it must

> be " something your father caught " and is treating it as a dirty, contagious

> disease that she is too perfect to be associated with. She forbade my sister

> to call our grandmother to ask questions as it would be insulting (I told

> her to go ahead anyway, as nana may actually have useful information). That

> made me very sad – I don't get along with this particular sister very well,

> but she doesn't deserve that treatment when she is so worried about her son.

> I know nada – she will stew on this for about 12 hours, then she will

> either a) jump on a plane and turn up to save the day/take over, or b)send

> my sister some money and hope it magically " goes away " while harassing the

> rest of us on the phone for the next few weeks. If she does turn up, she

> will make the doctors lives hell as she is paranoid of them and will think

> they are deliberately making the child sick.

> I generally stay the hell away from family drama, as I figure they are all

> big enough and ugly enough to look after themselves, but I think this is a

> case where I have to try to give my sister support and help where I can. My

> sister doesn't have many friends. I can handle it – as long as mum doesn't

> arrive, but even then, I think Id be willing to " sacrifice myself " to keep

> mum away from my sister at least some of the time so she doesn't completely

> break down from stress.

> Just worrying about it all makes me feel depressed (which doesn't happen

> very often!). Its very sad, and if Im feeling so miserable about it all, I

> can only imagine how awful my sister feels right now.

> I just hope the kid will be ok. Thats the main thing.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry for your nephew and hope his surgery will help him. Your sister

(and the baby) must be very scared.

Maybe your mother's response will help her see (since you mentioned she is a lot

like your mother) nada more as she is. It's so inappropriate for your mother to

turn the situation into a blame game. Unbelievable.

And I don't blame you for not wanting to dip your toe into the drama (and proud

of you for being there for your sister). I'm the same way. Ugh.

Please let us know how everything goes. We're here for you!

>

> My complicated family has just got more complicated. My twin sister (who I

don't talk to often as she can act a lot like nada) has called me to let me know

that one of her boys (2yrs old) had an accident a few days ago, and as a result

is paralysed. He had a fall, was taken to hospital, and the doctors have found

that he has a rare bone disorder that has causes some of his bones to grow

faster than others. The vertebrae holding his skull to his spine are too small –

strangling his spinal cord, hence his paralysis when he got a bad knock. He is

going in for surgery later this week to widen the hole in the vertebrae to take

the pressure off his spinal column, and to brace his vertebrae so he doesn't

brake his neck as he grows older and heavier. He should hopefully be able to

walk, but will suffer complications of this disorder in his legs and spine for

life.

> The docs say it is genetic, and asked my sister has been asked to try to find

where it has been passed from – so she rang nada. Mum didn't care that her

grandson was in hospital, or that my sister is distraught and under so much

stress – she got offended that it was suggested that she may have carried the

gene responsible. She began screaming at my sister that it must be " something

your father caught " and is treating it as a dirty, contagious disease that she

is too perfect to be associated with. She forbade my sister to call our

grandmother to ask questions as it would be insulting (I told her to go ahead

anyway, as nana may actually have useful information). That made me very sad – I

don't get along with this particular sister very well, but she doesn't deserve

that treatment when she is so worried about her son.

> I know nada – she will stew on this for about 12 hours, then she will either

a) jump on a plane and turn up to save the day/take over, or b)send my sister

some money and hope it magically " goes away " while harassing the rest of us on

the phone for the next few weeks. If she does turn up, she will make the doctors

lives hell as she is paranoid of them and will think they are deliberately

making the child sick.

> I generally stay the hell away from family drama, as I figure they are all big

enough and ugly enough to look after themselves, but I think this is a case

where I have to try to give my sister support and help where I can. My sister

doesn't have many friends. I can handle it – as long as mum doesn't arrive, but

even then, I think Id be willing to " sacrifice myself " to keep mum away from my

sister at least some of the time so she doesn't completely break down from

stress.

> Just worrying about it all makes me feel depressed (which doesn't happen very

often!). Its very sad, and if Im feeling so miserable about it all, I can only

imagine how awful my sister feels right now.

> I just hope the kid will be ok. Thats the main thing.

>

[Guest guest]

I am so sorry that your little nephew has had this accident, but the subsequent

discovery of his underlying serious condition was a good thing. It sounds like

there is a great chance that there is a good chance that he will be in an

improved and safer state of being after the spinal vertebrae are modified and

strengthened.

I think that is so awesome of you to put your low-contact and your own worry and

sadness second in order to give your emotional support and physical presence to

your sister when she is in such a crisis.

You are such a compassionate and selfless person. And the fact that you're

doing this even with your eyes wide open, knowing how your nada is likely to be

there and make things more horribly stressful for everyone, and even with

understanding that your sister may or may not be able to appreciate your

kindness, well, that's just

above and beyond the norm, in my book.

Many kudos to you, and my wishes for the safest and most positive outcome for

your little nephew.

-Annie

>

> My complicated family has just got more complicated. My twin sister (who I

don't talk to often as she can act a lot like nada) has called me to let me know

that one of her boys (2yrs old) had an accident a few days ago, and as a result

is paralysed. He had a fall, was taken to hospital, and the doctors have found

that he has a rare bone disorder that has causes some of his bones to grow

faster than others. The vertebrae holding his skull to his spine are too small –

strangling his spinal cord, hence his paralysis when he got a bad knock. He is

going in for surgery later this week to widen the hole in the vertebrae to take

the pressure off his spinal column, and to brace his vertebrae so he doesn't

brake his neck as he grows older and heavier. He should hopefully be able to

walk, but will suffer complications of this disorder in his legs and spine for

life.

> The docs say it is genetic, and asked my sister has been asked to try to find

where it has been passed from – so she rang nada. Mum didn't care that her

grandson was in hospital, or that my sister is distraught and under so much

stress – she got offended that it was suggested that she may have carried the

gene responsible. She began screaming at my sister that it must be " something

your father caught " and is treating it as a dirty, contagious disease that she

is too perfect to be associated with. She forbade my sister to call our

grandmother to ask questions as it would be insulting (I told her to go ahead

anyway, as nana may actually have useful information). That made me very sad – I

don't get along with this particular sister very well, but she doesn't deserve

that treatment when she is so worried about her son.

> I know nada – she will stew on this for about 12 hours, then she will either

a) jump on a plane and turn up to save the day/take over, or b)send my sister

some money and hope it magically " goes away " while harassing the rest of us on

the phone for the next few weeks. If she does turn up, she will make the doctors

lives hell as she is paranoid of them and will think they are deliberately

making the child sick.

> I generally stay the hell away from family drama, as I figure they are all big

enough and ugly enough to look after themselves, but I think this is a case

where I have to try to give my sister support and help where I can. My sister

doesn't have many friends. I can handle it – as long as mum doesn't arrive, but

even then, I think Id be willing to " sacrifice myself " to keep mum away from my

sister at least some of the time so she doesn't completely break down from

stress.

> Just worrying about it all makes me feel depressed (which doesn't happen very

often!). Its very sad, and if Im feeling so miserable about it all, I can only

imagine how awful my sister feels right now.

> I just hope the kid will be ok. Thats the main thing.

>

[Guest guest]

I am very sorry to hear about your nephew. Thoughts and prayers for your family.

I hope things get figured out soon and that nada wont make this any more a

difficult time than it already is. (((hugs))) LB

>

> My complicated family has just got more complicated. My twin sister (who I

don't talk to often as she can act a lot like nada) has called me to let me know

that one of her boys (2yrs old) had an accident a few days ago, and as a result

is paralysed. He had a fall, was taken to hospital, and the doctors have found

that he has a rare bone disorder that has causes some of his bones to grow

faster than others. The vertebrae holding his skull to his spine are too small –

strangling his spinal cord, hence his paralysis when he got a bad knock. He is

going in for surgery later this week to widen the hole in the vertebrae to take

the pressure off his spinal column, and to brace his vertebrae so he doesn't

brake his neck as he grows older and heavier. He should hopefully be able to

walk, but will suffer complications of this disorder in his legs and spine for

life.

> The docs say it is genetic, and asked my sister has been asked to try to find

where it has been passed from – so she rang nada. Mum didn't care that her

grandson was in hospital, or that my sister is distraught and under so much

stress – she got offended that it was suggested that she may have carried the

gene responsible. She began screaming at my sister that it must be " something

your father caught " and is treating it as a dirty, contagious disease that she

is too perfect to be associated with. She forbade my sister to call our

grandmother to ask questions as it would be insulting (I told her to go ahead

anyway, as nana may actually have useful information). That made me very sad – I

don't get along with this particular sister very well, but she doesn't deserve

that treatment when she is so worried about her son.

> I know nada – she will stew on this for about 12 hours, then she will either

a) jump on a plane and turn up to save the day/take over, or b)send my sister

some money and hope it magically " goes away " while harassing the rest of us on

the phone for the next few weeks. If she does turn up, she will make the doctors

lives hell as she is paranoid of them and will think they are deliberately

making the child sick.

> I generally stay the hell away from family drama, as I figure they are all big

enough and ugly enough to look after themselves, but I think this is a case

where I have to try to give my sister support and help where I can. My sister

doesn't have many friends. I can handle it – as long as mum doesn't arrive, but

even then, I think Id be willing to " sacrifice myself " to keep mum away from my

sister at least some of the time so she doesn't completely break down from

stress.

> Just worrying about it all makes me feel depressed (which doesn't happen very

often!). Its very sad, and if Im feeling so miserable about it all, I can only

imagine how awful my sister feels right now.

> I just hope the kid will be ok. Thats the main thing.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry to hear about your nephew. In any universe, any system of logic or

religion, it's horribly unfair for such a thing to affect a child. So I'm

wracking my brain trying to think of anything that could be of help to YOU, the

compassionate aunt who's being called upon to support a difficult, distraught

sister. And here's what occurred to me - you have one thing the other family

members don't - knowledge.

You know your mother is mentally ill, you recognize the symptoms, you can

predict the behavior. This makes you the perfect person to act as a liaison

between your family as a whole, and the medical personnel at the hospital. If

Nada shows up, you're the one person who can take the nurses aside and tell them

that your mother is insane, she makes things very difficult for your sister, and

that it might be a good idea to institute " limited visitation " while Nada's in

town. I don't know if they'll go for it, but once she comes in and shows her

fanny, they'll already have the warning that there's a crazy person stirring

things up when that little boy's life and future are in danger, and they might

move faster to insist on very short visiting hours (for everybody except his Mom

and Dad) - to " keep from tiring him out, he's had a long day " - the fact that

it's also in the best interest of your sister will be a side benefit.

The rest of the family doesn't have to know that you're " plotting against " Nada

- you're likely to feel repercussions if you tell them. So maybe just a quiet

word to your nephew's nurse?

Then if you're willing to throw yourself on the Nada grenade, take her to

dinner, keep her out of your sister's hair as much as possible, that would be

helpful, too. But it sure is a lot to ask.

>

> My complicated family has just got more complicated. My twin sister (who I

don't talk to often as she can act a lot like nada) has called me to let me know

that one of her boys (2yrs old) had an accident a few days ago, and as a result

is paralysed. He had a fall, was taken to hospital, and the doctors have found

that he has a rare bone disorder that has causes some of his bones to grow

faster than others. The vertebrae holding his skull to his spine are too small –

strangling his spinal cord, hence his paralysis when he got a bad knock. He is

going in for surgery later this week to widen the hole in the vertebrae to take

the pressure off his spinal column, and to brace his vertebrae so he doesn't

brake his neck as he grows older and heavier. He should hopefully be able to

walk, but will suffer complications of this disorder in his legs and spine for

life.

> The docs say it is genetic, and asked my sister has been asked to try to find

where it has been passed from – so she rang nada. Mum didn't care that her

grandson was in hospital, or that my sister is distraught and under so much

stress – she got offended that it was suggested that she may have carried the

gene responsible. She began screaming at my sister that it must be " something

your father caught " and is treating it as a dirty, contagious disease that she

is too perfect to be associated with. She forbade my sister to call our

grandmother to ask questions as it would be insulting (I told her to go ahead

anyway, as nana may actually have useful information). That made me very sad – I

don't get along with this particular sister very well, but she doesn't deserve

that treatment when she is so worried about her son.

> I know nada – she will stew on this for about 12 hours, then she will either

a) jump on a plane and turn up to save the day/take over, or b)send my sister

some money and hope it magically " goes away " while harassing the rest of us on

the phone for the next few weeks. If she does turn up, she will make the doctors

lives hell as she is paranoid of them and will think they are deliberately

making the child sick.

> I generally stay the hell away from family drama, as I figure they are all big

enough and ugly enough to look after themselves, but I think this is a case

where I have to try to give my sister support and help where I can. My sister

doesn't have many friends. I can handle it – as long as mum doesn't arrive, but

even then, I think Id be willing to " sacrifice myself " to keep mum away from my

sister at least some of the time so she doesn't completely break down from

stress.

> Just worrying about it all makes me feel depressed (which doesn't happen very

often!). Its very sad, and if Im feeling so miserable about it all, I can only

imagine how awful my sister feels right now.

> I just hope the kid will be ok. Thats the main thing.

>

[Guest guest]

Thankyou everyone! This is one of those situations where noone else really gets

the dynamics of what is going on. When I mentioned what was happening at work, I

got a lot of funny looks when I wasnt rushing over to the hospital right then

and there - I organised a time to visit when there wouldnt be other family

there, plus we are not close, so my sister is not desperate for me to be there.

My boss gave me a funny look and the " ooookay... just take time off if you want

to " . He is a real drama queen who likes to hear all the gory details, and I dont

feel like indulging him.

I was up late last night making pies and soup and a care package - my sister

doesnt have much money and I bet she isnt eating properly. Im bracing myself for

the " these have peas/carrots/salt/meat in them? I dont like them. " that she

usually does. At least Ill feel like Ive made an effort and done the right

thing, even if it might not be appreciated.

Unfortunately, being the most successful one out of the siblings (I have a job,

a house) the rest tend to assume that Im " rich " , and Im also waiting for the

inevitable guilt-trip " Im so broke I cant do blah *sigh* " and the pause while

she waits for you to offer cash.

If mum is coming over, Ill definitely pull a nurse aside and mention that she

could be a problem. Hopefully that helps somewhat!

I figure if I prepare myself for the worst, it will be ok. Today he sees the

brain surgeon and a bone specialist so we may get some answers, Im going to head

over at lunchtime to visit.

Thanks for the support guys, Ill let you know how it goes!

[Guest guest]

Just had my first visit to my nephew. I just want to cry, that poor kid is so

traumatised. He has had so many blood tests, doctors proddong, poking him,

nurses checking his vitals every hour so he gets no decent sleep, constant drips

and monitors plugged into him everywhere, MRIs, catscans, xrays - now when he

sees a nurse or doctor he cries, if they touch him he screams.

My sister is actually doing a great job - she is spending every spare second

with him and handling his stress really well. She has to be next to him, or

holding him constantly as he is getting more and more stressed every day. As of

today he wont let anyone touch him except her. She cant even go to the toilet

without worrying if he is working himself into hysteria while she is gone. The

poor kid is at his wits end and is just OVER IT. I dont blame him.

He can kick his legs and moves his arms in defense if someone comes near him,

but otherwise no movement.

My sister is doing ok, but if she stops for two seconds she almost loses it. He

goes in for surgery on friday, and there is a massive risk that he will be a

paraplegic as a result. But if they dont operate, he will be anyway. That is a

hard thing for any parent to accept, and she seems to still be in shock from it

all.

Thankfully mum isnt coming over, and my sister says she will escort her out of

the hospital and dump her at the door if she does turn up. So thats one good

thing!

>

> Thankyou everyone! This is one of those situations where noone else really

gets the dynamics of what is going on. When I mentioned what was happening at

work, I got a lot of funny looks when I wasnt rushing over to the hospital right

then and there - I organised a time to visit when there wouldnt be other family

there, plus we are not close, so my sister is not desperate for me to be there.

My boss gave me a funny look and the " ooookay... just take time off if you want

to " . He is a real drama queen who likes to hear all the gory details, and I dont

feel like indulging him.

>

> I was up late last night making pies and soup and a care package - my sister

doesnt have much money and I bet she isnt eating properly. Im bracing myself for

the " these have peas/carrots/salt/meat in them? I dont like them. " that she

usually does. At least Ill feel like Ive made an effort and done the right

thing, even if it might not be appreciated.

>

> Unfortunately, being the most successful one out of the siblings (I have a

job, a house) the rest tend to assume that Im " rich " , and Im also waiting for

the inevitable guilt-trip " Im so broke I cant do blah *sigh* " and the pause

while she waits for you to offer cash.

> If mum is coming over, Ill definitely pull a nurse aside and mention that she

could be a problem. Hopefully that helps somewhat!

>

> I figure if I prepare myself for the worst, it will be ok. Today he sees the

brain surgeon and a bone specialist so we may get some answers, Im going to head

over at lunchtime to visit.

>

>

> Thanks for the support guys, Ill let you know how it goes!

>

[Guest guest]

My heart goes to you, the poor little boy and your family.

I'll be sending good thoughts on Friday!

>

[Guest guest]

Oh my goodness, that's just awful. My heart goes out to him, and you, and your

sister. Is the father around at all? A crisis of this proportion makes things

clear - there's no room for your nada's bs in this. Sending prayers for a

successful surgery this Friday. No kid should have to go through any of what

he's going through.

> >

> > Thankyou everyone! This is one of those situations where noone else really

gets the dynamics of what is going on. When I mentioned what was happening at

work, I got a lot of funny looks when I wasnt rushing over to the hospital right

then and there - I organised a time to visit when there wouldnt be other family

there, plus we are not close, so my sister is not desperate for me to be there.

My boss gave me a funny look and the " ooookay... just take time off if you want

to " . He is a real drama queen who likes to hear all the gory details, and I dont

feel like indulging him.

> >

> > I was up late last night making pies and soup and a care package - my sister

doesnt have much money and I bet she isnt eating properly. Im bracing myself for

the " these have peas/carrots/salt/meat in them? I dont like them. " that she

usually does. At least Ill feel like Ive made an effort and done the right

thing, even if it might not be appreciated.

> >

> > Unfortunately, being the most successful one out of the siblings (I have a

job, a house) the rest tend to assume that Im " rich " , and Im also waiting for

the inevitable guilt-trip " Im so broke I cant do blah *sigh* " and the pause

while she waits for you to offer cash.

> > If mum is coming over, Ill definitely pull a nurse aside and mention that

she could be a problem. Hopefully that helps somewhat!

> >

> > I figure if I prepare myself for the worst, it will be ok. Today he sees the

brain surgeon and a bone specialist so we may get some answers, Im going to head

over at lunchtime to visit.

> >

> >

> > Thanks for the support guys, Ill let you know how it goes!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm so very sorry to hear this is happening to your little nephew.I will add my

prayers for him on Friday.

-

> >

> > Thankyou everyone! This is one of those situations where noone else really

gets the dynamics of what is going on. When I mentioned what was happening at

work, I got a lot of funny looks when I wasnt rushing over to the hospital right

then and there - I organised a time to visit when there wouldnt be other family

there, plus we are not close, so my sister is not desperate for me to be there.

My boss gave me a funny look and the " ooookay... just take time off if you want

to " . He is a real drama queen who likes to hear all the gory details, and I dont

feel like indulging him.

> >

> > I was up late last night making pies and soup and a care package - my sister

doesnt have much money and I bet she isnt eating properly. Im bracing myself for

the " these have peas/carrots/salt/meat in them? I dont like them. " that she

usually does. At least Ill feel like Ive made an effort and done the right

thing, even if it might not be appreciated.

> >

> > Unfortunately, being the most successful one out of the siblings (I have a

job, a house) the rest tend to assume that Im " rich " , and Im also waiting for

the inevitable guilt-trip " Im so broke I cant do blah *sigh* " and the pause

while she waits for you to offer cash.

> > If mum is coming over, Ill definitely pull a nurse aside and mention that

she could be a problem. Hopefully that helps somewhat!

> >

> > I figure if I prepare myself for the worst, it will be ok. Today he sees the

brain surgeon and a bone specialist so we may get some answers, Im going to head

over at lunchtime to visit.

> >

> >

> > Thanks for the support guys, Ill let you know how it goes!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Poor little guy. Do they have a child life specialist at the hospital? They

can often help with the stress for the kids...at the very least, give mom some

tips.

Ninera

>

> Subject: Re: family emergency

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Wednesday, October 13, 2010, 6:44 AM

> Just had my first visit to my nephew.

> I just want to cry, that poor kid is so traumatised. He has

> had so many blood tests, doctors proddong, poking him,

> nurses checking his vitals every hour so he gets no decent

> sleep, constant drips and monitors plugged into him

> everywhere, MRIs, catscans, xrays - now when he sees a nurse

> or doctor he cries, if they touch him he screams.

>

> My sister is actually doing a great job - she is spending

> every spare second with him and handling his stress really

> well. She has to be next to him, or holding him constantly

> as he is getting more and more stressed every day. As of

> today he wont let anyone touch him except her. She cant even

> go to the toilet without worrying if he is working himself

> into hysteria while she is gone. The poor kid is at his wits

> end and is just OVER IT. I dont blame him.

>

> He can kick his legs and moves his arms in defense if

> someone comes near him, but otherwise no movement.

>

> My sister is doing ok, but if she stops for two seconds she

> almost loses it. He goes in for surgery on friday, and there

> is a massive risk that he will be a paraplegic as a result.

> But if they dont operate, he will be anyway. That is a hard

> thing for any parent to accept, and she seems to still be in

> shock from it all.

>

> Thankfully mum isnt coming over, and my sister says she

> will escort her out of the hospital and dump her at the door

> if she does turn up. So thats one good thing!

>

>

>

> >

> > Thankyou everyone! This is one of those situations

> where noone else really gets the dynamics of what is going

> on. When I mentioned what was happening at work, I got a lot

> of funny looks when I wasnt rushing over to the hospital

> right then and there - I organised a time to visit when

> there wouldnt be other family there, plus we are not close,

> so my sister is not desperate for me to be there. My boss

> gave me a funny look and the " ooookay... just take time off

> if you want to " . He is a real drama queen who likes to hear

> all the gory details, and I dont feel like indulging him.

> >

> > I was up late last night making pies and soup and a

> care package - my sister doesnt have much money and I bet

> she isnt eating properly. Im bracing myself for the " these

> have peas/carrots/salt/meat in them? I dont like them. " that

> she usually does. At least Ill feel like Ive made an effort

> and done the right thing, even if it might not be

> appreciated.

> >

> > Unfortunately, being the most successful one out of

> the siblings (I have a job, a house) the rest tend to assume

> that Im " rich " , and Im also waiting for the inevitable

> guilt-trip " Im so broke I cant do blah *sigh* " and the pause

> while she waits for you to offer cash.

> > If mum is coming over, Ill definitely pull a nurse

> aside and mention that she could be a problem. Hopefully

> that helps somewhat!

> >

> > I figure if I prepare myself for the worst, it will be

> ok. Today he sees the brain surgeon and a bone specialist so

> we may get some answers, Im going to head over at lunchtime

> to visit.

> >

> >

> > Thanks for the support guys, Ill let you know how it

> goes!

> >

>

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new

> book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality

> Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells,

> available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @....

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>

>

> Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline

> Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to

> find)

[Guest guest]

My heart goes out to your little nephew and his mother; its just heartbreaking

to watch a child suffer such fear; when they're so little they just don't

understand what's happening to them at all.

That is so compassionate of you to be there for your sister and I'm so glad that

your nada chose not to come. I pray that the operation is successful, my

thoughts and best wishes are with you.

-Annie

> >

> > Thankyou everyone! This is one of those situations where noone else really

gets the dynamics of what is going on. When I mentioned what was happening at

work, I got a lot of funny looks when I wasnt rushing over to the hospital right

then and there - I organised a time to visit when there wouldnt be other family

there, plus we are not close, so my sister is not desperate for me to be there.

My boss gave me a funny look and the " ooookay... just take time off if you want

to " . He is a real drama queen who likes to hear all the gory details, and I dont

feel like indulging him.

> >

> > I was up late last night making pies and soup and a care package - my sister

doesnt have much money and I bet she isnt eating properly. Im bracing myself for

the " these have peas/carrots/salt/meat in them? I dont like them. " that she

usually does. At least Ill feel like Ive made an effort and done the right

thing, even if it might not be appreciated.

> >

> > Unfortunately, being the most successful one out of the siblings (I have a

job, a house) the rest tend to assume that Im " rich " , and Im also waiting for

the inevitable guilt-trip " Im so broke I cant do blah *sigh* " and the pause

while she waits for you to offer cash.

> > If mum is coming over, Ill definitely pull a nurse aside and mention that

she could be a problem. Hopefully that helps somewhat!

> >

> > I figure if I prepare myself for the worst, it will be ok. Today he sees the

brain surgeon and a bone specialist so we may get some answers, Im going to head

over at lunchtime to visit.

> >

> >

> > Thanks for the support guys, Ill let you know how it goes!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

hmm, the father thing is a bit complicated. Ive never met the biological father

- I think it might have been a one night stand... When my sister foudn she was

pregnant with twins she rang him and said she didnt want him to have anything to

do with the kids. She has just rung him to ask about his family medical history

- of course he is concerned and has asked to visit- she considers that he is

being " selfish " and nasty to want to have anything to do with the twins, and has

barred his number from her phone. In tru nada fashion, she was complaining to me

that he didnt even know the name of his child - but she never told him, so how

was he supposed to know?? And I cant suggest that maybe he should be able to see

his child, because she will go into a rage. You have to be very careful what you

say to my sister - disagreeing with anything or giving any " advice " can result

in huge offense.

She is happy to let it go to the courts if he wants access. She has just taken a

restraining order out against him (and the father of her first child) in

attempts to stop them having future acces. Its a shame as the father of her

other child is a nice guy who never did anything wrong.

Needless to say, it a topic I stay away from, too loaded and I dont want to get

involved.

>

> Oh my goodness, that's just awful. My heart goes out to him, and you, and

your sister. Is the father around at all? A crisis of this proportion makes

things clear - there's no room for your nada's bs in this. Sending prayers for

a successful surgery this Friday. No kid should have to go through any of what

he's going through.

>

>

[Guest guest]

It seesm rather strange, but since my nephew has come out of surgery my sister

is now acting as though there is nothing wrong with him. When you ask how he is,

she says fine. No info at all. It seems as far as she is concerned he is fixed

and there is nothing wrong, nothing to be concerned about, stop asking.

I think she is doing the same thing as nada - anyone interested in her kids is a

threat of some sort. Normally noone in the family gets to see them much

normally.

She is still working although the family gave her enough money so she could stop

and be at the hospital with her son. Since she got the money she has become

nasty at family again (once she no longer needs you for something she doesnt

bother being civil).

Im over it. Im sick of it. Its the same pattern of " I love you, I need money,

family are obligated to help " then the rapid switch to " I dont want your help,

go away " that she has done for the last 10 years. It makes me very sad that her

son will need so much help and support through his life and she will bite all

the hands that are willing to give it.

I feel bad about it, but Im not going to visit anymore. She has her current

boyfriends family doing everything for her, one of my other sisters is looking

after her other toddler, her son is not old enough to know if I am there or not,

so Im getting out of the picture.

I know its cold, heartless and so on, but I dont have the patience to deal with

her.

She is a good mother, so I dont feel bad that her son is in her care.

[Guest guest]

I'm glad the child made it through the operation OK, and I hope he is improving

and will continue to improve. I'm so sorry that your sister is being cold and

rejecting, and can't/won't appreciate the love you're trying to give her.

In this case, I'm willing to bet that there is a lot of denial underlying her

behaviors. This has to be such an overwhelming issue with potentially

life-altering consequences for her little son, that her mind has probably

retreated into a " safe place " where everything is just fine and normal, thank

you. Its very sad. Different people react to shock and grief and overwhelming

emotions in different ways.

When my dad was dying, instead of becoming a hysterical drama queen, my nada

became very oddly quiet and even more efficient and " perfect " than usual. She

didn't break down or cry at all when he died, or afterward; instead she just

handled all the details of his funeral and cremation and the scattering of his

ashes just... very calmly.

A couple of years afterward, she has no memory of any details from around that

time. She knows that her husband died and she made all the arrangements; she

understands that intellectually but has no actual memories of it. She went into

dissociation, I guess.

So, perhaps your sister is in a kind of dissociative state, or in deep denial

about this medical emergency, the operation, and she's just holding herself

together with safety pins and chewing gum, so to speak.

Or, maybe she's just returned to behaviors that are familiar to her, and being

cold/rejecting towards you is familiar. I'm so sorry.

-Annie

>

> It seesm rather strange, but since my nephew has come out of surgery my sister

is now acting as though there is nothing wrong with him. When you ask how he is,

she says fine. No info at all. It seems as far as she is concerned he is fixed

and there is nothing wrong, nothing to be concerned about, stop asking.

> I think she is doing the same thing as nada - anyone interested in her kids is

a threat of some sort. Normally noone in the family gets to see them much

normally.

>

> She is still working although the family gave her enough money so she could

stop and be at the hospital with her son. Since she got the money she has become

nasty at family again (once she no longer needs you for something she doesnt

bother being civil).

>

> Im over it. Im sick of it. Its the same pattern of " I love you, I need money,

family are obligated to help " then the rapid switch to " I dont want your help,

go away " that she has done for the last 10 years. It makes me very sad that her

son will need so much help and support through his life and she will bite all

the hands that are willing to give it.

>

>

> I feel bad about it, but Im not going to visit anymore. She has her current

boyfriends family doing everything for her, one of my other sisters is looking

after her other toddler, her son is not old enough to know if I am there or not,

so Im getting out of the picture.

>

> I know its cold, heartless and so on, but I dont have the patience to deal

with her.

> She is a good mother, so I dont feel bad that her son is in her care.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry your sister is shutting you out when you have been so kind helpful

and concerned.It's really unfair that now she is refusing to keep you informed

of your nephew's progress.I hope he will have the best possible outcome from the

surgery.

I don't think it's cold and heartless of you to get out of the picture since

it sounds like even if you did continue to try to help,she wouldn't let you.

I think you did the right thing by becoming involved and doing what you

could---and I think you're doing the right thing now by realizing that your

sister's dysfunctional choices are not in your power to change.

Take care,

>

> It seesm rather strange, but since my nephew has come out of surgery my sister

is now acting as though there is nothing wrong with him. When you ask how he is,

she says fine. No info at all. It seems as far as she is concerned he is fixed

and there is nothing wrong, nothing to be concerned about, stop asking.

> I think she is doing the same thing as nada - anyone interested in her kids is

a threat of some sort. Normally noone in the family gets to see them much

normally.

>

> She is still working although the family gave her enough money so she could

stop and be at the hospital with her son. Since she got the money she has become

nasty at family again (once she no longer needs you for something she doesnt

bother being civil).

>

> Im over it. Im sick of it. Its the same pattern of " I love you, I need money,

family are obligated to help " then the rapid switch to " I dont want your help,

go away " that she has done for the last 10 years. It makes me very sad that her

son will need so much help and support through his life and she will bite all

the hands that are willing to give it.

>

>

> I feel bad about it, but Im not going to visit anymore. She has her current

boyfriends family doing everything for her, one of my other sisters is looking

after her other toddler, her son is not old enough to know if I am there or not,

so Im getting out of the picture.

>

> I know its cold, heartless and so on, but I dont have the patience to deal

with her.

> She is a good mother, so I dont feel bad that her son is in her care.

>