Re: don't want to set a bad example

October 12, 2010

I think the bad example would be to stick around and put up with an environment

run by abuse and arbitrary foolishness. That is teaching your daughter to be

powerless in a dysfunctional situation. Removing yourself from a bad

environment isn't weakness. That's just plain good sense.

Sorry . . . was that too direct?

I agree we all have to put up with difficult people once in a while, but it

doesn't sound like being a part of this team isn't gaining anyone anything.

What could your daughter possibly learn from this? Other than to shut up and

stay in the situation when people are abusive, ineffective and whacko?

I remember hearing a story about a couple who's pre-teen daughter was an

gymnastic olympic hopeful. They put her in the best training available. She

started acting a bit " off " so they went to watch the training. The coach did

not spare her dignity, was rude, disrespectful, and didn't affirm her as a

person.

They pulled her out of the coaching program. Their daughter's self-esteem and

respect was more important than the olympics to them. I've always been

impressed by that story. And I always want to be that kind of parent.

That's my two cents! I hope it's helpful.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> So I help coach my daughters cheer team. I have been involved with this

> team for 5 years..I coached by myself one year 22 Junior girls and that

> was in no way the hell this season is. There is a varsity coach that I

> work with (not by choice mind you) I said to them in the beginning of

> the season I'm not coaching but I'll help where you need me to. To them

> that meant being the team mom. I figure OK I can hang out at the

> practice and help out where needed. I despise the personality of this

> lady coach she is very bossy..difficult to talk to unreasonable and

> constantly Yells. I just realized that this is the thing that is

> bothering me the most. I understand that at times you have to tell a

> group of kids to settle down..or maybe a shhhhhh.while I'm talking. But

> literally every 5 to 10 minutes is spent with her screaming " Girls how

> many times do I have to tell you to be quiet " ..then she goes on this big

> spiel about how she is so frustrated with them...then again every few

> minute. I have made numerous suggestions that maybe we make rules with

> consequences attached like..doing pushups..or situps..running..she

> dismisses me. She is so crabby and the kids don't like her...most of the

> parents don't either. But she is a volunteer and no one else wants to

> do it.

>

> When I am at practice..or around her I feel like a little kid..then I'm

> angry with myself for feeling this way I try to figure out why I feel

> terrified of this person..she is not my boss..she has no authority over

> me..she can't cause me problems really. It must be all the screaming she

> does..and she exhibits BPD traits. My daughter is not one of the girls

> she has ever spoken too or yelled at. My daughter is quiet an pretty

> much does her thing.

>

> My problem is I want to quit..I don't want to be there anymore. I feel

> that if I leave I am setting a bad example for my daughter. She has

> gotten angry with some rules this coach has imposed on the girls (like

> you can't wear your cheer uniforms the day before a game to

> school...something everyone else in the school gets to do..it's team

> spirit) and has wanted to quit but I have always stressed if you make a

> commitment you need to follow thru to the end. Telling her that her team

> mates are counting on her to be there to do her part or the whole thing

> needs to be changed.

>

> Football season ends in 3 weeks. The there are 3 compitions till the end

> of November. I guess I just have to stick it out till then..

>

> I'm just venting really but if anyone has any advice ...words of wisdom

> I would greatly appreciate it

>

> Stef

>

October 13, 2010

Stefanie - I agree with Karla that putting up with this behavior - especially

when you're an adult and witnessing her screaming at kids who aren't in a

position to protest - presents an example of kowtowing to abuse of authority.

However - on the other hand - I'm a parent of a high school aged kid, and I also

know the stakes are high with those extracurriculars. It's not just an activity

she might or might not enjoy - there are real benefits to being able to list

team activities on her college apps. (And don't everybody start telling me it's

not that important, or not worth it - we're in the college application process

right now, and being able to complete activities is something they look for -

and it can worth thousands of dollars in financial aid or scholarships.) So I

really do feel for you, your daughter, and the rest of the girls in this

situation.

So I'd say this - we're talking six more weeks, until the end of November. That

is a short enough time to live with, but it's also a long enough time to try and

make a change, however small. I think the best example for your daughter and

the other girls might be for them to see you attempting to intervene on their

behalf - in a dignified, adult way. They're going to run into a number of

A-holes in their adult lives, and seeing an adult deal with this might give them

some ideas they can use later.

How about maybe using a video camera (you guys videotape these routines to prep

for competition, don't you?) - and when the screaming starts, turn the camera on

the coach and get a full tirade. Then, if the girls have a visible reaction,

get some shots of that, too. It will show the unintended impact this has on

them.

Then - when practice is over and the coach has calmed down, tell her you'd like

to have a discussion about the way practices are going. Show her the tape, tell

her you know she doesn't want to be perceived as being this out of control, and

ask her, nicely, to please re-think her approach. Use all those " I " statements

instead of " you " statements. Use every " dealing with difficult people " trick

you've ever learned or read to be sure you convey the idea that you're working

toward a win-win ending. See if you can come up with a mutually agreed upon

" code " or signal (pulling your earlobe?) that will remind the coach to calm down

and use her mature grownup voice. Do not engage, do not engage, do not engage

in an angry way if she gets mad. If you can get another parent or two to do

this with you, so much the better. Then be prepared to be at every single

practice to be sure she doesn't retaliate against your kid. But do it all in a

classy, grownup way.

Don't announce this to the whole team - but you might tell your daughter, " I

have spoken to Ms. Jerk and we're working on a plan to help her be more

effective at practice. "

I have had to do this type of thing two or three times as my son has grown up -

with other parents at soccer games, fencing demonstrations, even Cub Scout

meetings. I usually start with, " I am asking you, nicely, to stop yelling at

the kids. It's not getting the reaction you want. " Sometimes they listen,

sometimes they don't. But at least they're on notice, and I have shown my son

that a grownup steps up to defend kids when necessary. We don't run, we don't

quit, we deal with it and we put ourselves between the aggressor and the victim

- but in a mature, non-threatening way.

I guess the biggest downsides would be that she'd quit (is that a downside?) and

you'd have to take over - but you know how to do this, and it's only six weeks.

Or, she'd take it out on the kids, and you'd have to continue to intervene, to

the point of getting between her and them at a practice. I don't think either

possibility is so bad that it's not worth a shot.

My 2 cents, as we say.

> >

> > So I help coach my daughters cheer team. I have been involved with this

> > team for 5 years..I coached by myself one year 22 Junior girls and that

> > was in no way the hell this season is. There is a varsity coach that I

> > work with (not by choice mind you) I said to them in the beginning of

> > the season I'm not coaching but I'll help where you need me to. To them

> > that meant being the team mom. I figure OK I can hang out at the

> > practice and help out where needed. I despise the personality of this

> > lady coach she is very bossy..difficult to talk to unreasonable and

> > constantly Yells. I just realized that this is the thing that is

> > bothering me the most. I understand that at times you have to tell a

> > group of kids to settle down..or maybe a shhhhhh.while I'm talking. But

> > literally every 5 to 10 minutes is spent with her screaming " Girls how

> > many times do I have to tell you to be quiet " ..then she goes on this big

> > spiel about how she is so frustrated with them...then again every few

> > minute. I have made numerous suggestions that maybe we make rules with

> > consequences attached like..doing pushups..or situps..running..she

> > dismisses me. She is so crabby and the kids don't like her...most of the

> > parents don't either. But she is a volunteer and no one else wants to

> > do it.

> >

> > When I am at practice..or around her I feel like a little kid..then I'm

> > angry with myself for feeling this way I try to figure out why I feel

> > terrified of this person..she is not my boss..she has no authority over

> > me..she can't cause me problems really. It must be all the screaming she

> > does..and she exhibits BPD traits. My daughter is not one of the girls

> > she has ever spoken too or yelled at. My daughter is quiet an pretty

> > much does her thing.

> >

> > My problem is I want to quit..I don't want to be there anymore. I feel

> > that if I leave I am setting a bad example for my daughter. She has

> > gotten angry with some rules this coach has imposed on the girls (like

> > you can't wear your cheer uniforms the day before a game to

> > school...something everyone else in the school gets to do..it's team

> > spirit) and has wanted to quit but I have always stressed if you make a

> > commitment you need to follow thru to the end. Telling her that her team

> > mates are counting on her to be there to do her part or the whole thing

> > needs to be changed.

> >

> > Football season ends in 3 weeks. The there are 3 compitions till the end

> > of November. I guess I just have to stick it out till then..

> >

> > I'm just venting really but if anyone has any advice ...words of wisdom

> > I would greatly appreciate it

> >

> > Stef

> >

October 18, 2010

I want to thank everyone who replied.

I spoke with my daughter and told her that if she wanted to leave I would

support her 100%. I told her if she didn't like the way things were going

she didn't have to be a part of it. She thought about it over the weekend

and told me today she would finish the football season but didn't want to do

competition.

I spoke with the director and told her everything. She agreed with me and

understood that she had to do something about it. She didn't like that she

was yelling and reprimanding and embarrassing kids in front of there team

mates. She had heard somethings from other parents too.

I emailed the coach and told her that the practices were getting too

stressful and that we were not going to continue with competition.

So I feel free:) Thanks for the honest advice. I hope the girls have a

better rest of the year now.

Stefanie