Re: not wanting to be here

[Guest guest]

Hi Joe,

I so appreciate your honesty. I also sometimes take breaks from this board --

it's a wonderful place of healing where you finally get the understanding you

never got lifelong -- but it's still, of course, a painful place.

Escape, yes, I'm familiar with that, too.

You made such a good point: " I was parentified as a child but I have been

infantilized as an adult, which I know is a tactic PD parents use to keep from

losing control over their children. " I see that dynamic taking place w/me and

my mother. Spot on.

Anyway, we're here for you, Joe.

Fiona

>

> I feel like i need to post that I have been avoiding this forum. I have been

posting elsewhere on the internet on a site related to entertainment. It is

taking up a chunk of my time and I have in the past used internet forums to

avoid reality. I am afraid I am going down that road again because that site

does not challenge me and is not concerned with anything important or related to

reality.

>

> I just want to thank the WTO community and acknowledge that this site is an

incredibly healthy place online. It keeps me grounded in reality and is a

shelter in the storm. I need to openly admit to myself what I am doing and back

away from it. I learned to create an imaginary world as a child and this other

site, that is about tv shows, is becoming that. I feel myself getting invested

in it and I know that is a waste of time and I don't have that luxury as things

are in a crisis in my life and I need to be taking steps to change my work

situation and I need to spend my time devoted to school work. I grew up in a

home where we were taught very cynical values (shrouded in religious views about

being 'worldly') that nothing on earth matters and nothing will ever work out

and the 'reward' is in heaven and to suffer through life and not even try. I

need to stop this process and redirect my attention to here because I find this

site to be very healing and emotionally supportive, probably more than anywhere

else I have ever experienced, including 12 step recovery because here I am not

pressured to lie about or minimize the trauma in my childhood or it's

long-lasting effects on my life as an adult.

>

> One thing I notice is as KO I was never allowed or encouraged to think of

myself as a competent human being and that has carried over into adulthood. If

I am incompetent and doomed to failure then it really doesn't matter how I

spend my time. This belief and behavior is completely erroneous and could

drastically muck up my life if it continues, which is why I feel the need to

'come clean' about it in some way, so thanks for allowing me to do it here. I

was parentified as a child but I have been infantilized as an adult, which I

know is a tactic PD parents use to keep from losing control over their

children. I need to 'grow up' right now and get back on track. Thanks for

listening.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Joe,

You've found one of the very few internet support Groups for the adult children

of mentally ill parents that DOES allow us KOs the freedom to speak the truth

and share our experiences of physical, emotional and sexual abuse inflicted by

our own personality-disordered parents and relatives, and the long-term damage

it did.

Other " support groups " I have belonged to view the very real pain and anger

expressed over this abuse as " bpd bashing " , if you can believe it.

To be honest, every ounce of my sympathy goes toward the child who is being

battered, neglected, or emotionally tortured, no matter if the

parent/relative/caregiver is mentally ill, or a druggie, or whatever.

I'm not anti-bpd so much as I am pro-child.

I was kicked out of another " support group " for expressing my anger over what

was done to fellow adult child abuse survivors. When I would say things like

" that was reprehensible, criminal child abuse/neglect; you should have been

removed from your parents for your own safety " I'd get reprimanded by the

moderators! They said my anger was " not conducive to forgiveness and healing "

and that I should " do something about my anger issues. "

You can express as much or as little as you feel comfortable with here, but do

rest assured that what you are reading here is unfortunately all too real.

Child battering and physical neglect, sexual abuse, emotional torture and

emotional neglect, parentifying, emotional incest, and explotation of children

by their own parents is all too real.

Severe mental illness is all too real, and yet can pass as " normal enough " to

those who are not the victims or targets of these individuals.

-Annie

>

> I feel like i need to post that I have been avoiding this forum. I have been

posting elsewhere on the internet on a site related to entertainment. It is

taking up a chunk of my time and I have in the past used internet forums to

avoid reality. I am afraid I am going down that road again because that site

does not challenge me and is not concerned with anything important or related to

reality.

>

> I just want to thank the WTO community and acknowledge that this site is an

incredibly healthy place online. It keeps me grounded in reality and is a

shelter in the storm. I need to openly admit to myself what I am doing and back

away from it. I learned to create an imaginary world as a child and this other

site, that is about tv shows, is becoming that. I feel myself getting invested

in it and I know that is a waste of time and I don't have that luxury as things

are in a crisis in my life and I need to be taking steps to change my work

situation and I need to spend my time devoted to school work. I grew up in a

home where we were taught very cynical values (shrouded in religious views about

being 'worldly') that nothing on earth matters and nothing will ever work out

and the 'reward' is in heaven and to suffer through life and not even try. I

need to stop this process and redirect my attention to here because I find this

site to be very healing and emotionally supportive, probably more than anywhere

else I have ever experienced, including 12 step recovery because here I am not

pressured to lie about or minimize the trauma in my childhood or it's

long-lasting effects on my life as an adult.

>

> One thing I notice is as KO I was never allowed or encouraged to think of

myself as a competent human being and that has carried over into adulthood. If

I am incompetent and doomed to failure then it really doesn't matter how I

spend my time. This belief and behavior is completely erroneous and could

drastically muck up my life if it continues, which is why I feel the need to

'come clean' about it in some way, so thanks for allowing me to do it here. I

was parentified as a child but I have been infantilized as an adult, which I

know is a tactic PD parents use to keep from losing control over their

children. I need to 'grow up' right now and get back on track. Thanks for

listening.

>

[Guest guest]

yes, it's an amazing place here and I don't want to drift off into internet

oblivion, even in recovery talk about family of origin issues is usually framed

as " blaming " . At some point, in order to heal, people have to take an open-eyed

look at what caused the problems in the first place.

i am right now really in touch with the negativity...I have never seen it before

to this degree. my family was not generous or charitable. they weren't a part of

any larger community unless it was centered around religion and that in itself

was done for 'reward in heaven' type things. I didn't learn that growing up, and

because of poor social skills I haven't pursued it in adult life except with

animals.

I just need to hang around here because this is where the sane people are.

> >

> > I feel like i need to post that I have been avoiding this forum. I have been

posting elsewhere on the internet on a site related to entertainment. It is

taking up a chunk of my time and I have in the past used internet forums to

avoid reality. I am afraid I am going down that road again because that site

does not challenge me and is not concerned with anything important or related to

reality.

> >

> > I just want to thank the WTO community and acknowledge that this site is an

incredibly healthy place online. It keeps me grounded in reality and is a

shelter in the storm. I need to openly admit to myself what I am doing and back

away from it. I learned to create an imaginary world as a child and this other

site, that is about tv shows, is becoming that. I feel myself getting invested

in it and I know that is a waste of time and I don't have that luxury as things

are in a crisis in my life and I need to be taking steps to change my work

situation and I need to spend my time devoted to school work. I grew up in a

home where we were taught very cynical values (shrouded in religious views about

being 'worldly') that nothing on earth matters and nothing will ever work out

and the 'reward' is in heaven and to suffer through life and not even try. I

need to stop this process and redirect my attention to here because I find this

site to be very healing and emotionally supportive, probably more than anywhere

else I have ever experienced, including 12 step recovery because here I am not

pressured to lie about or minimize the trauma in my childhood or it's

long-lasting effects on my life as an adult.

> >

> > One thing I notice is as KO I was never allowed or encouraged to think of

myself as a competent human being and that has carried over into adulthood. If

I am incompetent and doomed to failure then it really doesn't matter how I

spend my time. This belief and behavior is completely erroneous and could

drastically muck up my life if it continues, which is why I feel the need to

'come clean' about it in some way, so thanks for allowing me to do it here. I

was parentified as a child but I have been infantilized as an adult, which I

know is a tactic PD parents use to keep from losing control over their

children. I need to 'grow up' right now and get back on track. Thanks for

listening.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

thanks for the kind reply. it's so funny about how as KO's we are parented

'backwards' isn't it? They need us to be parents when we are children and

children when we are adults. What on earth....

> >

> > I feel like i need to post that I have been avoiding this forum. I have been

posting elsewhere on the internet on a site related to entertainment. It is

taking up a chunk of my time and I have in the past used internet forums to

avoid reality. I am afraid I am going down that road again because that site

does not challenge me and is not concerned with anything important or related to

reality.

> >

> > I just want to thank the WTO community and acknowledge that this site is an

incredibly healthy place online. It keeps me grounded in reality and is a

shelter in the storm. I need to openly admit to myself what I am doing and back

away from it. I learned to create an imaginary world as a child and this other

site, that is about tv shows, is becoming that. I feel myself getting invested

in it and I know that is a waste of time and I don't have that luxury as things

are in a crisis in my life and I need to be taking steps to change my work

situation and I need to spend my time devoted to school work. I grew up in a

home where we were taught very cynical values (shrouded in religious views about

being 'worldly') that nothing on earth matters and nothing will ever work out

and the 'reward' is in heaven and to suffer through life and not even try. I

need to stop this process and redirect my attention to here because I find this

site to be very healing and emotionally supportive, probably more than anywhere

else I have ever experienced, including 12 step recovery because here I am not

pressured to lie about or minimize the trauma in my childhood or it's

long-lasting effects on my life as an adult.

> >

> > One thing I notice is as KO I was never allowed or encouraged to think of

myself as a competent human being and that has carried over into adulthood. If

I am incompetent and doomed to failure then it really doesn't matter how I

spend my time. This belief and behavior is completely erroneous and could

drastically muck up my life if it continues, which is why I feel the need to

'come clean' about it in some way, so thanks for allowing me to do it here. I

was parentified as a child but I have been infantilized as an adult, which I

know is a tactic PD parents use to keep from losing control over their

children. I need to 'grow up' right now and get back on track. Thanks for

listening.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Whoa, are you serious BPD parents treat their adult children like kids? Oh my

GOD! That is what my Dad is doing to me. Holy cr#p! Please tell me what it was

like for you to go through that. My dad has totally changed my life to be like

a little kid. Jesus.

>

> I feel like i need to post that I have been avoiding this forum. I have been

posting elsewhere on the internet on a site related to entertainment. It is

taking up a chunk of my time and I have in the past used internet forums to

avoid reality. I am afraid I am going down that road again because that site

does not challenge me and is not concerned with anything important or related to

reality.

>

> I just want to thank the WTO community and acknowledge that this site is an

incredibly healthy place online. It keeps me grounded in reality and is a

shelter in the storm. I need to openly admit to myself what I am doing and back

away from it. I learned to create an imaginary world as a child and this other

site, that is about tv shows, is becoming that. I feel myself getting invested

in it and I know that is a waste of time and I don't have that luxury as things

are in a crisis in my life and I need to be taking steps to change my work

situation and I need to spend my time devoted to school work. I grew up in a

home where we were taught very cynical values (shrouded in religious views about

being 'worldly') that nothing on earth matters and nothing will ever work out

and the 'reward' is in heaven and to suffer through life and not even try. I

need to stop this process and redirect my attention to here because I find this

site to be very healing and emotionally supportive, probably more than anywhere

else I have ever experienced, including 12 step recovery because here I am not

pressured to lie about or minimize the trauma in my childhood or it's

long-lasting effects on my life as an adult.

>

> One thing I notice is as KO I was never allowed or encouraged to think of

myself as a competent human being and that has carried over into adulthood. If

I am incompetent and doomed to failure then it really doesn't matter how I

spend my time. This belief and behavior is completely erroneous and could

drastically muck up my life if it continues, which is why I feel the need to

'come clean' about it in some way, so thanks for allowing me to do it here. I

was parentified as a child but I have been infantilized as an adult, which I

know is a tactic PD parents use to keep from losing control over their

children. I need to 'grow up' right now and get back on track. Thanks for

listening.

>

[Guest guest]

Joe, I know what you mean about the people who try to dismiss is your reality

and its impact by saying it's bad to blame and all must forgive. Maybe there is

a point of transcendence in healing at some point but the truth has to be

acknowledged and spoken first. This group is one of the few places it feels

really okay to do that. I do the escape thing too sometimes with tv forums -

it's easy to do!

> > >

> > > I feel like i need to post that I have been avoiding this forum. I have

been posting elsewhere on the internet on a site related to entertainment. It is

taking up a chunk of my time and I have in the past used internet forums to

avoid reality. I am afraid I am going down that road again because that site

does not challenge me and is not concerned with anything important or related to

reality.

> > >

> > > I just want to thank the WTO community and acknowledge that this site is

an incredibly healthy place online. It keeps me grounded in reality and is a

shelter in the storm. I need to openly admit to myself what I am doing and back

away from it. I learned to create an imaginary world as a child and this other

site, that is about tv shows, is becoming that. I feel myself getting invested

in it and I know that is a waste of time and I don't have that luxury as things

are in a crisis in my life and I need to be taking steps to change my work

situation and I need to spend my time devoted to school work. I grew up in a

home where we were taught very cynical values (shrouded in religious views about

being 'worldly') that nothing on earth matters and nothing will ever work out

and the 'reward' is in heaven and to suffer through life and not even try. I

need to stop this process and redirect my attention to here because I find this

site to be very healing and emotionally supportive, probably more than anywhere

else I have ever experienced, including 12 step recovery because here I am not

pressured to lie about or minimize the trauma in my childhood or it's

long-lasting effects on my life as an adult.

> > >

> > > One thing I notice is as KO I was never allowed or encouraged to think

of myself as a competent human being and that has carried over into adulthood.

If I am incompetent and doomed to failure then it really doesn't matter how I

spend my time. This belief and behavior is completely erroneous and could

drastically muck up my life if it continues, which is why I feel the need to

'come clean' about it in some way, so thanks for allowing me to do it here. I

was parentified as a child but I have been infantilized as an adult, which I

know is a tactic PD parents use to keep from losing control over their

children. I need to 'grow up' right now and get back on track. Thanks for

listening.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I also know the " don't blame " game well. My FOO uses the she's sick it's

not her fault defense for nada's actions. I was looking at another support

group and the information said something like " you wouldn't blame a person

for having cancer so we shouldn't blame the BPD for their disorder " and it

went on to say that it is a place for people who want to understand and help

the BPD. All I could think was that I've had enough of that philosophy for

a lifetime.

--

" By definition, madness ends in one of two ways: clarity...or death. "

-- *Frantic

Purification*

[Guest guest]

I can agree with you now that this is a very helpful forum. When I first started

here I tended to just peek at posts. Too many of them were painful to read,

stirred up too many feelings in me that I've pushed aside for decades: the

anger, the confusion, the fear, the denial. I kept thinking if I could just act

normal, life would be normal. Then I came here and started to read about other

adults with nadas. It was too easy to relate to all that pain and I kept pulling

away.

Yet I couldn't stay away. As much as it hurt to see the similarities, it calmed

me to know I wasn't alone. And now I find encouragement in many of the posts

here. It's not a place to moan and groan and feed a sense of victimhood (is that

a word?). It's a place to safely express our pent up anger and hurt over years

of being manipulated and controlled. Then we move forward, grow a little more

and feel freer day by day.

Yes, this is a good place to be.

>

> I feel like i need to post that I have been avoiding this forum. I have been

posting elsewhere on the internet on a site related to entertainment. It is

taking up a chunk of my time and I have in the past used internet forums to

avoid reality. I am afraid I am going down that road again because that site

does not challenge me and is not concerned with anything important or related to

reality.

>

> I just want to thank the WTO community and acknowledge that this site is an

incredibly healthy place online. It keeps me grounded in reality and is a

shelter in the storm. I need to openly admit to myself what I am doing and back

away from it. I learned to create an imaginary world as a child and this other

site, that is about tv shows, is becoming that. I feel myself getting invested

in it and I know that is a waste of time and I don't have that luxury as things

are in a crisis in my life and I need to be taking steps to change my work

situation and I need to spend my time devoted to school work. I grew up in a

home where we were taught very cynical values (shrouded in religious views about

being 'worldly') that nothing on earth matters and nothing will ever work out

and the 'reward' is in heaven and to suffer through life and not even try. I

need to stop this process and redirect my attention to here because I find this

site to be very healing and emotionally supportive, probably more than anywhere

else I have ever experienced, including 12 step recovery because here I am not

pressured to lie about or minimize the trauma in my childhood or it's

long-lasting effects on my life as an adult.

>

> One thing I notice is as KO I was never allowed or encouraged to think of

myself as a competent human being and that has carried over into adulthood. If

I am incompetent and doomed to failure then it really doesn't matter how I

spend my time. This belief and behavior is completely erroneous and could

drastically muck up my life if it continues, which is why I feel the need to

'come clean' about it in some way, so thanks for allowing me to do it here. I

was parentified as a child but I have been infantilized as an adult, which I

know is a tactic PD parents use to keep from losing control over their

children. I need to 'grow up' right now and get back on track. Thanks for

listening.

>