Re: I feel like people don't like me

[Guest guest]

<<<Mozz>>>, I know how you feel. It's a pesky flea.

For me, I know, I feel abandoned easily--IF I let that feeling take hold. When

my friends haven't called in a while, I start to feel like they just don't care

anymore, but then I realize things are never as black and white as I make them.

Sigh.

I'm going through a funk like that now, feeling like I have no friends, like I'm

just a human workhorse...I want the feeling to fly away NOW!!

>

> I am so tired of feeling like people don't like me, and then worrying about

it. It's exhausting and I wish I didn't care. I wish I could honestly feel like,

" This is me, if you don't like it, too bad. Your loss. " I even worry my good

friends don't love me as much. It reeks of Nada. I hate it.

>

[Guest guest]

Dudes!!!! I feel that way all the time - asking boyfriend and T - what about

me is good? Likeable?

T says I am an extremly free spirit, to the point that it brings others to

the point of jealousy. They wish they could do what they want, wear what

they want, say what they want, sing, dance, be silly --- all the things I

do.

I'm like cool - I'll keep that. But am I loveable??????

HA HA HA VERY open to advice here. Maybe I need to go back to my

affirmations.

I understand that my opinion is the only one that counts in this case, but .

.. . still. . . do people like me?

Oh my dear lord, help! Guess that's what happens to a motherless child.

>

>

> <<<Mozz>>>, I know how you feel. It's a pesky flea.

> For me, I know, I feel abandoned easily--IF I let that feeling take hold.

> When my friends haven't called in a while, I start to feel like they just

> don't care anymore, but then I realize things are never as black and white

> as I make them.

>

> Sigh.

>

> I'm going through a funk like that now, feeling like I have no friends,

> like I'm just a human workhorse...I want the feeling to fly away NOW!!

>

>

>

> >

> > I am so tired of feeling like people don't like me, and then worrying

> about it. It's exhausting and I wish I didn't care. I wish I could honestly

> feel like, " This is me, if you don't like it, too bad. Your loss. " I even

> worry my good friends don't love me as much. It reeks of Nada. I hate it.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

That's rough because friends tend to get tired of reassuring us that yes, they

do like us. In my case I tend to worry that I've made someone angry. I find

myself saying " I'm sorry " for a lot of silly things. Years ago I was washing

some dishes and someone commented on how organized I was. I apologized! See

what I mean?

>

> I am so tired of feeling like people don't like me, and then worrying about

it. It's exhausting and I wish I didn't care. I wish I could honestly feel like,

" This is me, if you don't like it, too bad. Your loss. " I even worry my good

friends don't love me as much. It reeks of Nada. I hate it.

>

[Guest guest]

Oh yeah, I find I go in and out of funks about this. It has been fairly anxiety

inducing at times. Recently I have gotten to the point where I have withdrawn

from hanging out with people and I have thrown myself into projects instead.

It's not a depression type withdrawal but just a " life's a lot easier and more

simple " when I am by myself. I am always second guessing myself with other

people and it makes me crazy.

Before my brother took his life and I realized nada was bpd and....I always

found I made friends easily and had a good social life. Since all of this, I

have also gained some weight and I wonder if that has affected people's

perceptions of me. I am realizing how mean people can be. I am also very thin

skinned. I think so many feelings I kept pushed in an unreachable place are now

right under the surface. Do I come off as prickly as I feel? It's a lonely

place to be.

Or is this one big flea? It was often easier as a child to just be alone. Nada

couldn't get in my head then and couldn't slander me if I didn't have any

friends. I use to hang out on the roof of our house as a child. A second story

porch made it easy to crawl up there and it was a nice, safe place for me to get

away to.

Did nada just not teach me how to deal with adversities in friendships and will

I have the awareness/skills to teach me kids?

I have also found this creeping into my role as a mom too and I know, as my

oldest approaches the teen years, I need to get control of these feelings. I

had a near panick attack last week as I am always fearing that I will end up

being the horrible mother nada was.

Oh the voices and questions spinning in my head...

patinage

[Guest guest]

I tend to be more of a " loner " myself; I have always been quite satisfied having

only one or two close friends, and I've gone stretches without any in-person

friends due to relocating. In middle age, I'm more social now than at any other

time in my life, strangely enough. I actually joined an interest group!

I think this is because my nada was/is oppressively social, drama-soaked,

contentious and intrusive. She was the opposite of me, she always had many

acquaintances, but not one close woman friend that I've ever been aware of. She

liked belonging to clubs that would get together at each other's houses for card

games or they'd go on short trips as a group. And nada was insistent on

frequent family get-togethers with her parents and sibs and their families, and

sometimes with dad's side of the family.

Having time to myself was rare and precious, and I craved it so that when I did

finally leave home and was self-supporting, I never wanted a roommate.

So, I can relate to your finding that a solitary lifestyle can be delightfully

peaceful, serene, and pleasant; I find it so, myself.

-Annie

>

> Oh yeah, I find I go in and out of funks about this. It has been fairly

anxiety inducing at times. Recently I have gotten to the point where I have

withdrawn from hanging out with people and I have thrown myself into projects

instead. It's not a depression type withdrawal but just a " life's a lot easier

and more simple " when I am by myself. I am always second guessing myself with

other people and it makes me crazy.

>

> Before my brother took his life and I realized nada was bpd and....I always

found I made friends easily and had a good social life. Since all of this, I

have also gained some weight and I wonder if that has affected people's

perceptions of me. I am realizing how mean people can be. I am also very thin

skinned. I think so many feelings I kept pushed in an unreachable place are now

right under the surface. Do I come off as prickly as I feel? It's a lonely

place to be.

>

> Or is this one big flea? It was often easier as a child to just be alone.

Nada couldn't get in my head then and couldn't slander me if I didn't have any

friends. I use to hang out on the roof of our house as a child. A second story

porch made it easy to crawl up there and it was a nice, safe place for me to get

away to.

>

> Did nada just not teach me how to deal with adversities in friendships and

will I have the awareness/skills to teach me kids?

>

> I have also found this creeping into my role as a mom too and I know, as my

oldest approaches the teen years, I need to get control of these feelings. I

had a near panick attack last week as I am always fearing that I will end up

being the horrible mother nada was.

>

> Oh the voices and questions spinning in my head...

>

> patinage

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, All!

Sorry if this has been said before, but I'm still figuring out how to navigate

these threads!

Annie, my mom is just like yours: " oppressively social, drama-soaked,

contentious and intrusive, " ! She always had so many people around her, but it

all seemed so fake. Over the years, I noticed that the circle constantly

changed, too, as people were exiled for various reasons, then brought back in

when Mom decided to forget their past crimes for a bit.

I often have insecurity about whether people like me, though lately I'm thinking

that this is a flea. My Borderline mother tends to feel rejected or accepted

based on a single word or action, rather than on the nature of an entire

relationship, and I can sometimes have similar feelings, though (thankfully!) on

a much smaller and less dramatic scale. Even if someone has demonstrated many

times that they enjoy my company, something like finding out that they did

something with other people, but not me, can feel like proof that they don't

actually think that much of me. I'm starting to recognize that my response to

this can be really counter-productive: I retreat into myself, and it probably

seems to the other person that I don't like <i>them</i> very much!

Also, I find that I do this particularly in response to my mother in law, who

has always been incredibly kind to me, but can sometimes be a bit temperamental

and unconventional in the ways she demonstrates affection. I often wonder

whether this is because, since she is a healthy person, I expect her to display

all the lavish affection my mother did when she was in a good mood, without any

of the drawbacks.

Though not at all shy, I am also an introvert who really needs alone time, as it

seems that many of you do as well. I'm trying hard to show people I like that I

like them, consistently, and just decide that if they don't run for the hills,

they must like me. If someone doesn't like me, let it be <i>their</i> job to let

me know! I don't want to speculate anymore!

Easier said than done, right?!

Does anyone else find, that even if they usually prefer being alone, forcing

oneself to be sociable (once in a while:)) can help you out of a bad mood?

--Jgar

> >

> > Oh yeah, I find I go in and out of funks about this. It has been fairly

anxiety inducing at times. Recently I have gotten to the point where I have

withdrawn from hanging out with people and I have thrown myself into projects

instead. It's not a depression type withdrawal but just a " life's a lot easier

and more simple " when I am by myself. I am always second guessing myself with

other people and it makes me crazy.

> >

> > Before my brother took his life and I realized nada was bpd and....I always

found I made friends easily and had a good social life. Since all of this, I

have also gained some weight and I wonder if that has affected people's

perceptions of me. I am realizing how mean people can be. I am also very thin

skinned. I think so many feelings I kept pushed in an unreachable place are now

right under the surface. Do I come off as prickly as I feel? It's a lonely

place to be.

> >

> > Or is this one big flea? It was often easier as a child to just be alone.

Nada couldn't get in my head then and couldn't slander me if I didn't have any

friends. I use to hang out on the roof of our house as a child. A second story

porch made it easy to crawl up there and it was a nice, safe place for me to get

away to.

> >

> > Did nada just not teach me how to deal with adversities in friendships and

will I have the awareness/skills to teach me kids?

> >

> > I have also found this creeping into my role as a mom too and I know, as my

oldest approaches the teen years, I need to get control of these feelings. I

had a near panick attack last week as I am always fearing that I will end up

being the horrible mother nada was.

> >

> > Oh the voices and questions spinning in my head...

> >

> > patinage

> >

>

[Guest guest]

RE your fears about being a good mom; I think that the fact that you're actually

concerned about being a " good enough " mom to your children is the key factor

that will help you parent your kids 100% better than you were parented.

Also, each person processes trauma and grief in different ways. Your brother's

suicide was a severe trauma to you, I'm willing to bet.

Sometimes when we feel overwhelmed, we retreat into familiar behaviors just

because the familiarity is soothing. They may not be positive or healthy

behaviors but just the sheer familiarity has a self-soothing quality (like an

older child sucking her thumb unconsciously as she sleeps.)

But you have so much personal insight, I think you'll weather life's traumas in

healthy ways and are already great mom to your kids. You are not repeating the

cycle of abuse that was inflicted on you. You don't feel entitled to treat your

children like objects put on this earth to serve you, you don't use them for

your own gratification, you don't resent them, you don't neglect or abuse them:

you're a good mom.

-Annie

>

> Oh yeah, I find I go in and out of funks about this. It has been fairly

anxiety inducing at times. Recently I have gotten to the point where I have

withdrawn from hanging out with people and I have thrown myself into projects

instead. It's not a depression type withdrawal but just a " life's a lot easier

and more simple " when I am by myself. I am always second guessing myself with

other people and it makes me crazy.

>

> Before my brother took his life and I realized nada was bpd and....I always

found I made friends easily and had a good social life. Since all of this, I

have also gained some weight and I wonder if that has affected people's

perceptions of me. I am realizing how mean people can be. I am also very thin

skinned. I think so many feelings I kept pushed in an unreachable place are now

right under the surface. Do I come off as prickly as I feel? It's a lonely

place to be.

>

> Or is this one big flea? It was often easier as a child to just be alone.

Nada couldn't get in my head then and couldn't slander me if I didn't have any

friends. I use to hang out on the roof of our house as a child. A second story

porch made it easy to crawl up there and it was a nice, safe place for me to get

away to.

>

> Did nada just not teach me how to deal with adversities in friendships and

will I have the awareness/skills to teach me kids?

>

> I have also found this creeping into my role as a mom too and I know, as my

oldest approaches the teen years, I need to get control of these feelings. I

had a near panick attack last week as I am always fearing that I will end up

being the horrible mother nada was.

>

> Oh the voices and questions spinning in my head...

>

> patinage

>

[Guest guest]

My constant apologizing drives my husband crazy. I'm always worried people are

mad at me too. It's never stopped me from saying/doing what I think is right,

but then I agonize over it. I have lost a lot of sleep worrying about what

people think about what I said/did. I guess b/c Nada was always mad at me about

something.

> >

> > I am so tired of feeling like people don't like me, and then worrying about

it. It's exhausting and I wish I didn't care. I wish I could honestly feel like,

" This is me, if you don't like it, too bad. Your loss. " I even worry my good

friends don't love me as much. It reeks of Nada. I hate it.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I have a friend who tends to do that. She just automatically apologizes for

pretty much everything: Rain. Slow traffic. etc. The reason why my friend does

this might not be the same reason you do (I'm sure there is more than one reason

why we develop traits and habits) but in her case, she told me that her

therapist said that she has a " Jesus complex. " i.e, she bears the guilt of the

world on her shoulders.

This friend, J., was literally almost starved to death when she was a small

child, by her own mother. Her mother had brought another, older child into

their home (it turned out to be her own illegitimate daughter whom she had given

to a relative to raise) and when this new, very disturbed older child arrived,

J.'s mother was overwhelmed with guilt and gave all her time and attention to

the new child.

J., who was only about 3 at the time, fell into a state of deep despair and

stopped eating everything except, I believe she said, cheerios. (A complicating

factor is that the new child was also began to bully J. terribly.) Her mother

didn't notice that J. had virtually stopped eating and was being bullied. When

J. eventually stopped walking because she was too weak and had developed

rickets, finally her parents noticed and got her to the doctor. (The dad was

never home, apparently.) That still astonishes me that a child in the 20th

century could develop rickets, but apparently severe negligence will do it; and

it will never cease to astonish me that CPS didn't get involved. How is it that

NOBODY noticed a child literally starving to death in a nice, middle-class,

working-family neighborhood?

But anyway, as a result, J. grew up compensating for the trauma of neglect by

deciding that she was responsible for everything and everyone. She would never

neglect anything or anyone the way she was neglected, but, that is a very faulty

coping mechanism. It made her feel *responsible* for things she had no control

over.

I've noticed that She doesn't automatically apologize for everything quite as

much as she used to, because she's more aware of why she's doing it, now.

-Annie

> > >

> > > I am so tired of feeling like people don't like me, and then worrying

about it. It's exhausting and I wish I didn't care. I wish I could honestly feel

like, " This is me, if you don't like it, too bad. Your loss. " I even worry my

good friends don't love me as much. It reeks of Nada. I hate it.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oh yea , Mozz. That is a Major Flee! lol

You are not put here to make others like you, but to live as a woman who

can like and live with yourself. Listen to yourself, though. I worry my

good friends dont love me as much? Hello, girl. They are friends, so

they do care.

Hell, I like you, and I KNOW your nuts. But we are KO s, so it s all

good.

It is not about making them like you. It is about safe and healthy

relationships. I like chocolate. A lot. Did I mention I like chocolate

a LOT?

But I don t eat it constantly, and sometimes I m not in the mood.

Think of friendships like chocolate.

Addiction to pleasing others can be a real pain.

Hey Mozz? Listen to me. You are a good woman. You are a good mommy.

You are a good wife and friend. Shhh, just let those internal tapes

quiet down. She s not in charge now. You are. Believe.

Doug

>

> I am so tired of feeling like people don't like me, and then worrying

about it. It's exhausting and I wish I didn't care. I wish I could

honestly feel like, " This is me, if you don't like it, too bad. Your

loss. " I even worry my good friends don't love me as much. It reeks of

Nada. I hate it.

>

[Guest guest]

One upon a time I felt the exact same way.

It does change, you do learn to take stock of your life and be proud of who you

are, you'll develop a sense of self and you'll find that your friendships will

change.

When I was where you are now, my friendships were shallow. I recognize now that

I was being used because I was so giving, helpful and would be at their beck and

call. I'm pretty sure those friends were not healthy. You'll get through this.

The important thing is that you recognize there is a problem.

>

> I am so tired of feeling like people don't like me, and then worrying about

it. It's exhausting and I wish I didn't care. I wish I could honestly feel like,

" This is me, if you don't like it, too bad. Your loss. " I even worry my good

friends don't love me as much. It reeks of Nada. I hate it.

>

[Guest guest]

Annie - I wrote a response out a few days ago and I accidently erased it just

before posting it. I got frustrated so I didn't try to re-write it but I just

wanted to say thanks for your kind words and insight!

patinage

> >

> > Oh yeah, I find I go in and out of funks about this. It has been fairly

anxiety inducing at times. Recently I have gotten to the point where I have

withdrawn from hanging out with people and I have thrown myself into projects

instead. It's not a depression type withdrawal but just a " life's a lot easier

and more simple " when I am by myself. I am always second guessing myself with

other people and it makes me crazy.

> >

> > Before my brother took his life and I realized nada was bpd and....I always

found I made friends easily and had a good social life. Since all of this, I

have also gained some weight and I wonder if that has affected people's

perceptions of me. I am realizing how mean people can be. I am also very thin

skinned. I think so many feelings I kept pushed in an unreachable place are now

right under the surface. Do I come off as prickly as I feel? It's a lonely

place to be.

> >

> > Or is this one big flea? It was often easier as a child to just be alone.

Nada couldn't get in my head then and couldn't slander me if I didn't have any

friends. I use to hang out on the roof of our house as a child. A second story

porch made it easy to crawl up there and it was a nice, safe place for me to get

away to.

> >

> > Did nada just not teach me how to deal with adversities in friendships and

will I have the awareness/skills to teach me kids?

> >

> > I have also found this creeping into my role as a mom too and I know, as my

oldest approaches the teen years, I need to get control of these feelings. I

had a near panick attack last week as I am always fearing that I will end up

being the horrible mother nada was.

> >

> > Oh the voices and questions spinning in my head...

> >

> > patinage

> >

>

[Guest guest]

people generally don't like me.

I once read about my astrology sign in a book called " rude astrology " and it

said, " if you are wondering whether or not people like you...they don't "

I don't know how to be liked, I know that much. i wasn't liked growing up and I

was the pathologized child in my family so I grew up thinking it was the normal

state of affairs. one thing I have processed in the last few months is the

horror that from a very early age, like middle school, I maintained friendships

with girls that were overly critical, verbally abusive, and disloyal to me. I

sought out lovers who were abusive because I thought love and abuse were the

same thing. It's only been this year that I have looked back and examined those

early friendships, that actually continued all the way through college, and

wondered to myself why on earth I ever put up with this crap from these girls

and women. Not only that but I was strangely gullible to their criticisms which

I now realized were sometimes based in their own jealousy and insecurity...but

at the time, I thought they were telling me the gospel truth when they said I

had ugly toes or thumbs or was too skinny. It's so odd to me how much that felt

like home. And I didn't know how to cultivate relationships with supportive

people who were kind and loving of their fellow human beings, because I was so

fearful because the only people that sought me out in a caring, loving way in my

childhood were pedophiles. So I ran in the other direction when someone seemed

" too " kind or fawning because based on past experience I felt my safety was in

danger. My internal reference points are all wrong. Being outcast and excluded

was really the only safe place, is what I learned. Since all of this awareness

is so new to me, like within the last six months or so, I don't have any advice

or answers but I can certainly relate to the feelings.

>

> I am so tired of feeling like people don't like me, and then worrying about

it. It's exhausting and I wish I didn't care. I wish I could honestly feel like,

" This is me, if you don't like it, too bad. Your loss. " I even worry my good

friends don't love me as much. It reeks of Nada. I hate it.

>