Re: it's getting interesting

[Guest guest]

Good vent!

I think its smart to avoid becoming triangulated in an altercation between your

nada and your brother. You'll just end up being declared the bad guy by both of

them.

If you can manage it, don't allow your mother to talk to you about your brother,

pump you for information about him, talk dirt about him to you, etc. Don't

talk about your mother with your brother, either, if you can help it; if he's

still very enmeshed with her it will just keep the dysfunctional quadrille

going.

If you possibly can, try to have a relationship with each one as an individual,

not as part of a dysfunctional triad or quartet.

I know how difficult that is, but, if you can distance yourself from that

dynamic I think it will be less stressful for you.

" I don't know, you'll have to ask brother/mother yourself. " is a good response.

-Annie

>

> I called nada this morning and before anything else, she said, ‘so your

brother’s not speaking to me.’ I really was very surprised b/c he’s

usually what I’ve heard others on this board call “golden child.’ He’s

very enmeshed/fused with her and anytime I mention anything near negative about

nada, he tells me to be patient and remember that she’s getting old.

>

> Well, according to her, he’s done being patient. She said all she’d done

was “call him 4 or 5 times to see if he was ok. I was worried sick!†This

was AFTER she called me to see if he had called my daughter to wish her a happy

birthday. He had, and I told her so and told her not to worry about him; he was

obviously alive! She just blew me off and I could hear the anxiety in her

voice. Her only friend is away on vacation so I know she’s probably feeling

abandoned and alone.

>

> So she became obsessive with hearing his voice for herself. After the fifth

call, she said my brother freaked on her. She kind of made it sound like I was

to blame because he said, “Fiona talks to you just one time a day. That’s

what I want , too. I’m tired of talking to you 3 and 4 times a day.†Which

I think is funny. Fiona wouldn’t mind making it one time a month!

>

> All of this to say †" I know she and my brother are going to try to draw me

into the middle of this and I want no part of it. Especially because I feel so

invalidated by him every time I’ve tried to bring my mother’s mental illness

up to him. He’s totally in denial.

>

> I wish he and I could talk honestly about her issues but it’s just not going

to happen.

>

> I remember years ago, my mother called me and said that my father didn’t

look well. I hadn’t seen my father in months at that point and went over to

see him. He looked gray and drawn. Awful. My brother came over too and

exclaimed, “oh he’s fine! You two make such a big deal over nothing.â€

Then he scrammed back to his house. He just didn’t want to deal with it. It

turned out my father had lung cancer. Not that I expected my brother to

diagnose him, but come on, at least ACCEPT that something is wrong.

>

> That’s what I wish would happen here. He has more leverage with her than I

do.

>

>

> Just venting...

>

[Guest guest]

Things may be about to change - he's making his first attempt at a boundary

following *your* example. Once he sees how she responds to this he may be more

open to acknowledging her mental illness. Maybe he is learning from your

example even if he is has been consciously/verbally denying a lot.

>

> I called nada this morning and before anything else, she said, ‘so your

brother’s not speaking to me.’ I really was very surprised b/c he’s

usually what I’ve heard others on this board call “golden child.’ He’s

very enmeshed/fused with her and anytime I mention anything near negative about

nada, he tells me to be patient and remember that she’s getting old.

>

> Well, according to her, he’s done being patient. She said all she’d done

was “call him 4 or 5 times to see if he was ok. I was worried sick!†This

was AFTER she called me to see if he had called my daughter to wish her a happy

birthday. He had, and I told her so and told her not to worry about him; he was

obviously alive! She just blew me off and I could hear the anxiety in her

voice. Her only friend is away on vacation so I know she’s probably feeling

abandoned and alone.

>

> So she became obsessive with hearing his voice for herself. After the fifth

call, she said my brother freaked on her. She kind of made it sound like I was

to blame because he said, “Fiona talks to you just one time a day. That’s

what I want , too. I’m tired of talking to you 3 and 4 times a day.†Which

I think is funny. Fiona wouldn’t mind making it one time a month!

>

> All of this to say †" I know she and my brother are going to try to draw me

into the middle of this and I want no part of it. Especially because I feel so

invalidated by him every time I’ve tried to bring my mother’s mental illness

up to him. He’s totally in denial.

>

> I wish he and I could talk honestly about her issues but it’s just not going

to happen.

>

> I remember years ago, my mother called me and said that my father didn’t

look well. I hadn’t seen my father in months at that point and went over to

see him. He looked gray and drawn. Awful. My brother came over too and

exclaimed, “oh he’s fine! You two make such a big deal over nothing.â€

Then he scrammed back to his house. He just didn’t want to deal with it. It

turned out my father had lung cancer. Not that I expected my brother to

diagnose him, but come on, at least ACCEPT that something is wrong.

>

> That’s what I wish would happen here. He has more leverage with her than I

do.

>

>

> Just venting...

>

[Guest guest]

, I hope you're right about my brother coming around to see our mother as

she really is.

My mother's already trying to get me involved in the middle and I just yes her

and change the subject.

> >

> > I called nada this morning and before anything else, she said, ‘so your

brother’s not speaking to me.’ I really was very surprised b/c he’s

usually what I’ve heard others on this board call “golden child.’ He’s

very enmeshed/fused with her and anytime I mention anything near negative about

nada, he tells me to be patient and remember that she’s getting old.

> >

> > Well, according to her, he’s done being patient. She said all she’d done

was “call him 4 or 5 times to see if he was ok. I was worried sick!†This

was AFTER she called me to see if he had called my daughter to wish her a happy

birthday. He had, and I told her so and told her not to worry about him; he was

obviously alive! She just blew me off and I could hear the anxiety in her

voice. Her only friend is away on vacation so I know she’s probably feeling

abandoned and alone.

> >

> > So she became obsessive with hearing his voice for herself. After the fifth

call, she said my brother freaked on her. She kind of made it sound like I was

to blame because he said, “Fiona talks to you just one time a day. That’s

what I want , too. I’m tired of talking to you 3 and 4 times a day.†Which

I think is funny. Fiona wouldn’t mind making it one time a month!

> >

> > All of this to say †" I know she and my brother are going to try to draw me

into the middle of this and I want no part of it. Especially because I feel so

invalidated by him every time I’ve tried to bring my mother’s mental illness

up to him. He’s totally in denial.

> >

> > I wish he and I could talk honestly about her issues but it’s just not

going to happen.

> >

> > I remember years ago, my mother called me and said that my father didn’t

look well. I hadn’t seen my father in months at that point and went over to

see him. He looked gray and drawn. Awful. My brother came over too and

exclaimed, “oh he’s fine! You two make such a big deal over nothing.â€

Then he scrammed back to his house. He just didn’t want to deal with it. It

turned out my father had lung cancer. Not that I expected my brother to

diagnose him, but come on, at least ACCEPT that something is wrong.

> >

> > That’s what I wish would happen here. He has more leverage with her than I

do.

> >

> >

> > Just venting...

> >

>