Re: Why do I feel like such a loser?

[Guest guest]

The usual answer is that if you are worried that you might be BPD then you

aren't because people with BPD would never in a million years think that they

could have anything wrong with them. It's everyone *else* with the problem.

I think it's called imposter syndrome or something close that you are struggling

with. That's not a PD but leftover self-esteem damage from early on. That

feeling that if only these people really knew the real you deep inside you'd

instantly be fired, divorced whatever. It sounds like you are very successful

and there are reasons for that - reason that say good things about you! I think

it is important to deal with the imposter problem because I didn't and when I

did encounter real life failure it hit me double-hard because felt " the truth "

had finally been revealed about me. In reality I just had a bad job full of a

bunch of crazy people.

>

> Does everyone here have the something's wrong with me complex? I hate this so

much, holds me back and ruins opportunities. Don't feel comfortable around

people, perfectionistic and can't do anything good enough. I'm driving MYSELF

crazy now.

>

> Yet, I run a successful business and am earning my master's. People like me

and invite me to more things than I can attend. My kids love me and husband

wants to spend time together over other options.

>

> Why can't I just GET OVER IT??? Deep down inside, I feel so sorry for

something I can't define, maybe the fact that these people in my family can't be

what I wish for them? I want to spend time together and have fun, but my ideal

never happens(even when I adjust it down to the lowest levels of just getting

along at all).

>

> I think I'll sign off and go take one of those BPD tests myself. Funny thing

is, I have taken the actual full-length MMPI test for mental disorders,

personality, etc. TWICE! I score normal but defensive and overly private, in

other words holding myself back around other people a bit. No, really?

>

> Am I allowed to ask if I'm BPD on here?

>

[Guest guest]

onmywayyy,

i'm the same way. i have friends and do well in social settings but it's a mile

wide and an inch deep.

I have no real, connected friendships. It really pains me. there's something in

me that holds me back from letting go to allow someone else to be that close to

me.

>

> Does everyone here have the something's wrong with me complex? I hate this so

much, holds me back and ruins opportunities. Don't feel comfortable around

people, perfectionistic and can't do anything good enough. I'm driving MYSELF

crazy now.

>

> Yet, I run a successful business and am earning my master's. People like me

and invite me to more things than I can attend. My kids love me and husband

wants to spend time together over other options.

>

> Why can't I just GET OVER IT??? Deep down inside, I feel so sorry for

something I can't define, maybe the fact that these people in my family can't be

what I wish for them? I want to spend time together and have fun, but my ideal

never happens(even when I adjust it down to the lowest levels of just getting

along at all).

>

> I think I'll sign off and go take one of those BPD tests myself. Funny thing

is, I have taken the actual full-length MMPI test for mental disorders,

personality, etc. TWICE! I score normal but defensive and overly private, in

other words holding myself back around other people a bit. No, really?

>

> Am I allowed to ask if I'm BPD on here?

>

[Guest guest]

Hi there-

I am new here and will do a proper introduction later, but I just wanted to

share some thoughts on this.

I have wondered too, many many times, if I also had BP. I think it is a leftover

of the mindset that goes " she's normal, I must the freak here " .

I very very often second guess my feelings, perceptions, and memories.

When I get confirmations from people around me, I often tell myself " oh well, I

am not crazy then " .

It's just so easy for me to think something is wrong with me, rather than accept

a harsher reality, that my mother probably had BP, and I have been suffering

from it for so many years.

It is probably something I learnt as a kid, and it gives you a false sense of

control on the BP crazyness. If it's about me, then I can fix it, then there's

hope.

I have read and heard many times that as a child, it is just too scary a thought

to think that you mother is nuts, and unreliable sometimes, so you just learn to

blame yourself.

Truth is, I feel sometimes like I cary a whole lotta shame inside, for having

gone through the abuse, not having been able to fix it, and still now, having my

Mom losing it.

I have to accept it is NOT my thing, NOT my crazyness, NOT my responsability.

That's where working on self esteem, and boundary setting is so vital I think.

You need to repair your self image, and really love yourself again.

Well, that's it.

I am so glad I found you guys by the way!

Coralie

[Guest guest]

On--

YES!!! I've struggled most of my life with this. I had to work long and hard

to remove that complex. I'm not saying I don't have self-esteem issues, but

that black ugly dark cloud that always went with me (and was in me) is gone.

That systemic shame was nothing short of horrific.

You don't sound BPD at all to me. You sound like a case study KO. A lifetime

of taking abuse, blame-shifting, survivor's guilt and trauma takes its toll. No

way around it. And I'm sorry you are having to carry the burden of their

sickness.

I hope you can give yourself some balanced humanity here. Trauma goes far below

our cognitive abilities. You can't " just get over it " any more than an

attachment disorder kid could just mentally power through their trauma and

suddenly form a healthy bond with a caregiver.

A couple of book recommendations, if I may:

" Search for Significance " by McGee really helped me. It is from a

Christian perspective, so bear that in mind when considerig the title. It

changed everything for me in terms of lifting that black shame and guilt.

" The Betrayal Bond " by Carnes is a must have. If nothing else, go

through the quizzes in the middle of the book. I have a sense it will be very,

very validating for you.

May you be released (and soon!) from this cloud of guilt and shame. Lord knows

you never deserved it, and Lord knows you have every right to shed it.

I leave you with the KO-healing chant: It's not you. It's not you. It's not

you.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> Does everyone here have the something's wrong with me complex? I hate this so

much, holds me back and ruins opportunities. Don't feel comfortable around

people, perfectionistic and can't do anything good enough. I'm driving MYSELF

crazy now.

>

> Yet, I run a successful business and am earning my master's. People like me

and invite me to more things than I can attend. My kids love me and husband

wants to spend time together over other options.

>

> Why can't I just GET OVER IT??? Deep down inside, I feel so sorry for

something I can't define, maybe the fact that these people in my family can't be

what I wish for them? I want to spend time together and have fun, but my ideal

never happens(even when I adjust it down to the lowest levels of just getting

along at all).

>

> I think I'll sign off and go take one of those BPD tests myself. Funny thing

is, I have taken the actual full-length MMPI test for mental disorders,

personality, etc. TWICE! I score normal but defensive and overly private, in

other words holding myself back around other people a bit. No, really?

>

> Am I allowed to ask if I'm BPD on here?

>

[Guest guest]

on_my_wayyy,

I think a lot of us KOs have this problem. I feel like I suck at everything I

do, even if I'm told differently. It's a crazy disconnect to feel that I am bad

at my job while my boss is telling me how great I am. My bf says he loves me and

I just keep thinking there will be a day where he really sees me for who I am

and realize I am worth nothing.

I really don't think your BPD, it sounds like fleas left over from being raised

by BPD. I know I didn't properly learn how to have a self-esteem, or a SELF at

all! Everything in a KOs life as a child is always about the BPD, and if your

parent(s) was anything like mine you got a LOT of negativity. That's really

impossible to " just get over " . Have you seen a therapist? Even if you have no

diagnosable mental disorder, they can help with the issues you are having that

are leftover from bad parenting.

Karla - I think I will check those books out myself.

Casey

> >

> > Does everyone here have the something's wrong with me complex? I hate this

so much, holds me back and ruins opportunities. Don't feel comfortable around

people, perfectionistic and can't do anything good enough. I'm driving MYSELF

crazy now.

> >

> > Yet, I run a successful business and am earning my master's. People like me

and invite me to more things than I can attend. My kids love me and husband

wants to spend time together over other options.

> >

> > Why can't I just GET OVER IT??? Deep down inside, I feel so sorry for

something I can't define, maybe the fact that these people in my family can't be

what I wish for them? I want to spend time together and have fun, but my ideal

never happens(even when I adjust it down to the lowest levels of just getting

along at all).

> >

> > I think I'll sign off and go take one of those BPD tests myself. Funny

thing is, I have taken the actual full-length MMPI test for mental disorders,

personality, etc. TWICE! I score normal but defensive and overly private, in

other words holding myself back around other people a bit. No, really?

> >

> > Am I allowed to ask if I'm BPD on here?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I too am a perfectionist and this drives me crazy too. I do allow people to get

close to me if I feel comfortable with them and I have a group of amazing

friends that I call my 'sisters' and one 'brother' as well as an adopted mother

who are MY chosen family but that's about it except for my cats who are my kids.

I wonder sometimes if I will EVER find Mr. Right - my soulmate - my other half

because my love life is in the toilet and has never been very good for very

long.

No, you're not a loser. You feel like one because your nada and mine reinforced

that in us to 'keep us under their control' and that is one of the 'fleas' we

have to get rid of. It is a daily battle but one of these days I am going to

win it and so will you. Keep at it until you realize that the only REAL loser

is your nada.

[Guest guest]

" I feel like I suck at everything I do, even if I'm told differently. It's a

crazy disconnect to feel that I am bad at my job while my boss is telling me how

great I am. My bf says he loves me and I just keep thinking there will be a day

where he really sees me for who I am and realize I am worth nothing. "

I can totally relate to that. The sad thing is, the one thing I know I'm good

at I will probably never get much of a chance to do or have any hope at much

success at. too competitive.

*this post has been trimmed*

[Guest guest]

Absolutely.

I too run a business. I make soap, bath and body products. My business has grown

crazy like over the last few years. I always felt like an imposter when I first

started, that there was nothing unique or special about it. Even my father, who

is a NPD married to a BPD (my mother is also one) never acknowledged it, so I

thought that it was " nothing " .

But the compliments! For a long time I resisted them. Thinking that people just

didn't *know* good soap or body products. But the more I've seen other small B & B

makers at their craft, the more I realize that maybe it IS good. I recently

purchased some soap from another artisan....and I wasn't impressed.

I think when we can look at our life...in comparison to others lives..the easier

it is to recognize our own progress.

I look at my father and mother, then I look at my family and compare.

I got my degree on my own (neither parent has one, and my father put my

stepnadas children through uni).

I've been in the same relationship for 22 years.

I have two beautiful, happy, talented daughters.

I have a self sustaining business with a decent income.

We have our own home.

I think the secret is to compare and contrast. LOOK at your parents, LOOK where

you started and where you've gone.

Positive self talk. I struggled with this for a LONG time. ONe thing that one

therapist told me, is to go past the words and look at the actions of other

people. If you were a horrible person...or a bad mother or a bad spouse....would

your husband be there? Would he want to spend time with you? Would your

children?

It's hard.

>

> Does everyone here have the something's wrong with me complex? I hate this so

much, holds me back and ruins opportunities. Don't feel comfortable around

people, perfectionistic and can't do anything good enough. I'm driving MYSELF

crazy now.

>

> Yet, I run a successful business and am earning my master's. People like me

and invite me to more things than I can attend. My kids love me and husband

wants to spend time together over other options.

>

> Why can't I just GET OVER IT??? Deep down inside, I feel so sorry for

something I can't define, maybe the fact that these people in my family can't be

what I wish for them? I want to spend time together and have fun, but my ideal

never happens(even when I adjust it down to the lowest levels of just getting

along at all).

>

> I think I'll sign off and go take one of those BPD tests myself. Funny thing

is, I have taken the actual full-length MMPI test for mental disorders,

personality, etc. TWICE! I score normal but defensive and overly private, in

other words holding myself back around other people a bit. No, really?

>

> Am I allowed to ask if I'm BPD on here?

>