Re: How much sympathy should I feel for my Dad?

[Guest guest]

I hear ya, lady. My dad was very similar - most of the time he just packed

me up and took me camping to get away from her. But you know what, its his

choice to be in that relationship. And its my choice not to.

I let my dad know 2 years ago that I wouldn't be compromising my NC, even

when he asked me to make an exception for a holiday or something. Haven't

talked to him since. My therapist says he chose my mother because she was

his first child. I was his child, but I'm the independent child who grew up.

His wife is the child who didn't.

So there ya go. Lame!!!!

>

>

> So my mother is a high functioning, undiagnosed queen/witch. I grew up

> believing that what I experienced wasn't abuse because my parents told me it

> wasn't. Usually nada saying, " You can't even imagine what abuse is! I was

> ABUSED! You are so lucky to have parents that love you. " Yeah, dumb me, I

> believed her.

>

> Anyway, my siblings and I all realize that mom is crazy, but we seem to be

> sane. I think that we survived our childhood mainly because of our Dad.

>

> He was our family's Rock of Gibralter. My Dad has an amazing ability to

> calm nada down. Unfortunately, that means taking her side while she's

> around. When she was out of earshot, he would usually validate most of what

> we felt--Nada was over-reacting, we didn't deserve what she had said/did,

> etc. However, we also got a speech on how we needed to be considerate and

> compassionate of our mother's poor childhood, that she hadn't been as

> fortunate as we had, etc. He enabled her and parentified us. Still, when Dad

> was home, I felt safe and loved.

>

> The abuse occurred when Dad was at work, or worse, on travel he is unaware

> of what she is capable of. And here's the thing-- we havent tried to tell

> him the whole ugly truth--it's like we're protecting him. We know that he

> loves her too much to believe what she is capable of, and we don't want to

> destroy the illusion; I think she'll do it herself.

>

> My parents have recently become empty-nesters and retirement is in the near

> future. Nada is slowly driving her children to LC and Dad is dealing with

> increasing amounts of crazy as he deals with her undivided attention. My

> sister sees them more often than the rest of it and has been feeling sorry

> for Dad and what he's dealing with. I don't know how I feel. Part of me

> wants Dad to experience the full extent of the craziness he enabled and part

> of me is a sad for him. I suppose it's the parentified child in me that

> worries about him, but I'm honestly grateful to him for sticking around when

> other men would have left. I lived in mortal fear that my mother would make

> good on her oft-voiced threats to divorce Dad because I was convinced that

> any court in the nation would give us to her. I guess I'm worried about any

> guilt he might feel for not have doing more, when I don't see what more he

> could have done.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Absolutely none.

My father outright chose my step-nada over me. For YEARS I thought that I held

at least a small place in his heart. I don't. No room for me or my girls. It's

ALL about his wife and her children/grandchildren from her first marriage.

He's pushed away his sisters. He's pushed me away.

I go back and forth between yearning for a better/loving relationship with him

and wanting to give him a peice of my mind and cut him out of my life forever.

But I've come to the conclusion that he shall reap what he sows. He will be the

one to see his grandkids develop loving relationships with the other

grandparents that he is so jealous of.

His choice. His heartbreak (if he has one to break) when he realizes what he's

lost.

>

> So my mother is a high functioning, undiagnosed queen/witch. I grew up

believing that what I experienced wasn't abuse because my parents told me it

wasn't. Usually nada saying, " You can't even imagine what abuse is! I was

ABUSED! You are so lucky to have parents that love you. " Yeah, dumb me, I

believed her.

>

> Anyway, my siblings and I all realize that mom is crazy, but we seem to be

sane. I think that we survived our childhood mainly because of our Dad.

>

> He was our family's Rock of Gibralter. My Dad has an amazing ability to calm

nada down. Unfortunately, that means taking her side while she's around. When

she was out of earshot, he would usually validate most of what we felt--Nada was

over-reacting, we didn't deserve what she had said/did, etc. However, we also

got a speech on how we needed to be considerate and compassionate of our

mother's poor childhood, that she hadn't been as fortunate as we had, etc. He

enabled her and parentified us. Still, when Dad was home, I felt safe and loved.

>

> The abuse occurred when Dad was at work, or worse, on travel he is unaware of

what she is capable of. And here's the thing-- we havent tried to tell him the

whole ugly truth--it's like we're protecting him. We know that he loves her too

much to believe what she is capable of, and we don't want to destroy the

illusion; I think she'll do it herself.

>

> My parents have recently become empty-nesters and retirement is in the near

future. Nada is slowly driving her children to LC and Dad is dealing with

increasing amounts of crazy as he deals with her undivided attention. My sister

sees them more often than the rest of it and has been feeling sorry for Dad and

what he's dealing with. I don't know how I feel. Part of me wants Dad to

experience the full extent of the craziness he enabled and part of me is a sad

for him. I suppose it's the parentified child in me that worries about him, but

I'm honestly grateful to him for sticking around when other men would have left.

I lived in mortal fear that my mother would make good on her oft-voiced threats

to divorce Dad because I was convinced that any court in the nation would give

us to her. I guess I'm worried about any guilt he might feel for not have doing

more, when I don't see what more he could have done.

>

[Guest guest]

I think you should feel as much symapthy for him as he did for his defenseless

children. My sister would stick up for me when she was a 6 year old who knew she

would get beaten for it. Many times.

Your dad didnt. Ever, right?

Telling you that he thought your mothers behaviour was unfair in PRIVATE makes

him a coward. It certainly doesnt make him a good father (although he may have

appeared as such in contrast to your mother).

Staying with your mother doesnt make him a good husband either - a battered wife

who defends and stays with her abuser is not a " good wife " . She just doesnt have

the guts to leave.

I think you should tell him the ugly truth. Chances are he knows most of it

already. Give him the opportunity to be responsible for his behaviour. Id bet

you $100 he brushes it off as nothing.

>

> So my mother is a high functioning, undiagnosed queen/witch. I grew up

believing that what I experienced wasn't abuse because my parents told me it

wasn't. Usually nada saying, " You can't even imagine what abuse is! I was

ABUSED! You are so lucky to have parents that love you. " Yeah, dumb me, I

believed her.

>

> Anyway, my siblings and I all realize that mom is crazy, but we seem to be

sane. I think that we survived our childhood mainly because of our Dad.

>

> He was our family's Rock of Gibralter. My Dad has an amazing ability to calm

nada down. Unfortunately, that means taking her side while she's around. When

she was out of earshot, he would usually validate most of what we felt--Nada was

over-reacting, we didn't deserve what she had said/did, etc. However, we also

got a speech on how we needed to be considerate and compassionate of our

mother's poor childhood, that she hadn't been as fortunate as we had, etc. He

enabled her and parentified us. Still, when Dad was home, I felt safe and loved.

>

> The abuse occurred when Dad was at work, or worse, on travel he is unaware of

what she is capable of. And here's the thing-- we havent tried to tell him the

whole ugly truth--it's like we're protecting him. We know that he loves her too

much to believe what she is capable of, and we don't want to destroy the

illusion; I think she'll do it herself.

>

> My parents have recently become empty-nesters and retirement is in the near

future. Nada is slowly driving her children to LC and Dad is dealing with

increasing amounts of crazy as he deals with her undivided attention. My sister

sees them more often than the rest of it and has been feeling sorry for Dad and

what he's dealing with. I don't know how I feel. Part of me wants Dad to

experience the full extent of the craziness he enabled and part of me is a sad

for him. I suppose it's the parentified child in me that worries about him, but

I'm honestly grateful to him for sticking around when other men would have left.

I lived in mortal fear that my mother would make good on her oft-voiced threats

to divorce Dad because I was convinced that any court in the nation would give

us to her. I guess I'm worried about any guilt he might feel for not have doing

more, when I don't see what more he could have done.

>

[Guest guest]

You wrote my story...........I almost thought I wrote it and was having a

senior moment and didn't remember when I wrote it!!!!! I, too, am

grateful fada stayed; also felt safer when he was home, BUT, he never, not even

once, stood up to her. They are now 2 lonely 90 yr. olds and fada has to

care for nada. Reaping what he has sewn. Up until the last 7-8 months, I

felt sorry for him. Not any more. He helped to create the monster she is by

enabling her to do and say whatever she wanted for 63 years!

They were living with my husband and I up until recently (lived here for

only 6 months; seemed like 10 yrs.!)and I got to witness first hand how

disfunctional they have become. No compassion for each other or anyone else in

the universe. It's been 2 months since they left and we haven't spoken a

word to them.......not our choice, fada's choice. He has become as

controlling and manipulative as she is. It was like he switched roles with

nada

and became the bully, tantrum throwing, hurtful abuser (nada has alzheimers

now) . The toughest part for me, is the realization that they have never

been capable of love, they never loved me, they don't even know the

definition of the word love. Sad as that is, I am feeling freedom for the

first

time in my life. Yea!

Laurie

In a message dated 10/19/2010 10:20:22 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

mcsmitty1227@... writes:

So my mother is a high functioning, undiagnosed queen/witch. I grew up

believing that what I experienced wasn't abuse because my parents told me it

wasn't. Usually nada saying, " You can't even imagine what abuse is! I was

ABUSED! You are so lucky to have parents that love you. " Yeah, dumb me, I

believed her.

Anyway, my siblings and I all realize that mom is crazy, but we seem to be

sane. I think that we survived our childhood mainly because of our Dad.

He was our family's Rock of Gibralter. My Dad has an amazing ability to

calm nada down. Unfortunately, that means taking her side while she's around.

When she was out of earshot, he would usually validate most of what we

felt--Nada was over-reacting, we didn't deserve what she had said/did, etc.

However, we also got a speech on how we needed to be considerate and

compassionate of our mother's poor childhood, that she hadn't been as fortunate

as

we had, etc. He enabled her and parentified us. Still, when Dad was home, I

felt safe and loved.

The abuse occurred when Dad was at work, or worse, on travel he is unaware

of what she is capable of. And here's the thing-- we havent tried to tell

him the whole ugly truth--it's like we're protecting him. We know that he

loves her too much to believe what she is capable of, and we don't want to

destroy the illusion; I think she'll do it herself.

My parents have recently become empty-nesters and retirement is in the

near future. Nada is slowly driving her children to LC and Dad is dealing with

increasing amounts of crazy as he deals with her undivided attention. My

sister sees them more often than the rest of it and has been feeling sorry

for Dad and what he's dealing with. I don't know how I feel. Part of me

wants Dad to experience the full extent of the craziness he enabled and part of

me is a sad for him. I suppose it's the parentified child in me that

worries about him, but I'm honestly grateful to him for sticking around when

other men would have left. I lived in mortal fear that my mother would make

good on her oft-voiced threats to divorce Dad because I was convinced that

any court in the nation would give us to her. I guess I'm worried about any

guilt he might feel for not have doing more, when I don't see what more he

could have done.

[Guest guest]

Although it was like a punch to the gut, a hard one, to realize that its highly

likely that my mom never really actually loved me (in a way that most people

would define as love, mother-love), taking that in and accepting it made so much

of my relationship with my nada *make sense.*

When I stopped trying to define her behaviors as " love " (only because they were

coming from my own mother, who by definition was *supposed* to love me) and just

observed (in retrospect) the behaviors as they really were, it just made a hell

of a lot more sense.

Most of the time the way she behaved toward me was not loving at all, or even

coming from a loving place; I can see that now. In fact I've had strangers on

the street treat me with more kindness and consideration for my feelings than my

own mother, so many, many times.

And yes, having the peculiar, fuzzy, broken, misshapen puzzle pieces fall into

place, and seeing the whole distorted picture that these pieces make (at long

last) is very freeing. (singing: " I can see clearly now, the FOG is gone... I

can see all obstacles in my way... gone are the dark doubts that had me blind,

its gonna be a bright, bright, sunshine-y day... "

-Annie

..... The toughest part for me, is the realization that they have never

> been capable of love, they never loved me, they don't even know the

> definition of the word love. Sad as that is, I am feeling freedom for the

first

> time in my life. Yea!

>

> Laurie

[Guest guest]

Elora jade,

Word for word, your post could have been written by me, our situations and

fathers sound so similar! I agree with you, my dad deserves very little

sympathy, although I've been coming to that conclusion rather slowly.

My dad has had SO many chances to make healthy choices, yet over and over again

he has chosen to ignore compassion and reality, choosing to support step-nada in

her rages and tantrums. He has chosen to believe her ridiculous assertions

about me, rather than choosing rationality (or even just neutrality). I don't

know if he's even heard of BPD, someday I want to tell him. I live far away, so

the opportunity to have that conversation hasn't come yet. But the longer I

read these posts, the more I believe that the disease isn't just in her. It's

in him, too--maybe not BPD, but something. Otherwise, he would have made

healthy, rational, compassionate choices when it concerned his children--and

himself. I'm guessing that when I have a BPD conversation with him, he will be

in total denial about it, like he's been in denial about everything else that's

gone on between step-nada and the rest of his family. I also think that

whatever mental problem he has that prevents him from seeing the irrationality

and abuse, also prevents him from feeling any guilt about the situation.

> >

> > So my mother is a high functioning, undiagnosed queen/witch. I grew up

believing that what I experienced wasn't abuse because my parents told me it

wasn't. Usually nada saying, " You can't even imagine what abuse is! I was

ABUSED! You are so lucky to have parents that love you. " Yeah, dumb me, I

believed her.

> >

> > Anyway, my siblings and I all realize that mom is crazy, but we seem to be

sane. I think that we survived our childhood mainly because of our Dad.

> >

> > He was our family's Rock of Gibralter. My Dad has an amazing ability to

calm nada down. Unfortunately, that means taking her side while she's around.

When she was out of earshot, he would usually validate most of what we

felt--Nada was over-reacting, we didn't deserve what she had said/did, etc.

However, we also got a speech on how we needed to be considerate and

compassionate of our mother's poor childhood, that she hadn't been as fortunate

as we had, etc. He enabled her and parentified us. Still, when Dad was home, I

felt safe and loved.

> >

> > The abuse occurred when Dad was at work, or worse, on travel he is unaware

of what she is capable of. And here's the thing-- we havent tried to tell him

the whole ugly truth--it's like we're protecting him. We know that he loves her

too much to believe what she is capable of, and we don't want to destroy the

illusion; I think she'll do it herself.

> >

> > My parents have recently become empty-nesters and retirement is in the near

future. Nada is slowly driving her children to LC and Dad is dealing with

increasing amounts of crazy as he deals with her undivided attention. My sister

sees them more often than the rest of it and has been feeling sorry for Dad and

what he's dealing with. I don't know how I feel. Part of me wants Dad to

experience the full extent of the craziness he enabled and part of me is a sad

for him. I suppose it's the parentified child in me that worries about him, but

I'm honestly grateful to him for sticking around when other men would have left.

I lived in mortal fear that my mother would make good on her oft-voiced threats

to divorce Dad because I was convinced that any court in the nation would give

us to her. I guess I'm worried about any guilt he might feel for not have doing

more, when I don't see what more he could have done.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Jill,

He is likely a Narcissist. Apparently BPDs and NPDs are a match made in

heaven(hell?).

This is what I disovered about my father, actually a member here suggested it,

and when I researched it, I was like " BINGO! " . As odd as it sounds, being able

to slap a label on him has helped get me past my heartbreak. I was stuck there

for so long.

I SO wanted a loving relationship with him. I mean, my mother was obviously

nuts, surely ONE parent has to love me? I struggled so much with wondering what

was wrong with me to

He told me when I was 11/12 while he was kicking me out in favor of his new

girlfriend (now wife) of 8 months to go back to living with my mother, who had

recently tried to kill me....that I would one day make a choice between my

spouse and my child, and he was making his.

Nice eh?

THEN, after not getting an invite to his wedding, not being told when major

things happen in their side of the family (deaths, marriages, births etc) he has

the nerve to tell me to just " get over it " when I confront him about it.

I hope he'll be as receptive to the same words when one day he wants to see his

grandkids. I almost wish he does want to see them. Again, I'm likely deluding

myself.

> > >

> > > So my mother is a high functioning, undiagnosed queen/witch. I grew up

believing that what I experienced wasn't abuse because my parents told me it

wasn't. Usually nada saying, " You can't even imagine what abuse is! I was

ABUSED! You are so lucky to have parents that love you. " Yeah, dumb me, I

believed her.

> > >

> > > Anyway, my siblings and I all realize that mom is crazy, but we seem to be

sane. I think that we survived our childhood mainly because of our Dad.

> > >

> > > He was our family's Rock of Gibralter. My Dad has an amazing ability to

calm nada down. Unfortunately, that means taking her side while she's around.

When she was out of earshot, he would usually validate most of what we

felt--Nada was over-reacting, we didn't deserve what she had said/did, etc.

However, we also got a speech on how we needed to be considerate and

compassionate of our mother's poor childhood, that she hadn't been as fortunate

as we had, etc. He enabled her and parentified us. Still, when Dad was home, I

felt safe and loved.

> > >

> > > The abuse occurred when Dad was at work, or worse, on travel he is unaware

of what she is capable of. And here's the thing-- we havent tried to tell him

the whole ugly truth--it's like we're protecting him. We know that he loves her

too much to believe what she is capable of, and we don't want to destroy the

illusion; I think she'll do it herself.

> > >

> > > My parents have recently become empty-nesters and retirement is in the

near future. Nada is slowly driving her children to LC and Dad is dealing with

increasing amounts of crazy as he deals with her undivided attention. My sister

sees them more often than the rest of it and has been feeling sorry for Dad and

what he's dealing with. I don't know how I feel. Part of me wants Dad to

experience the full extent of the craziness he enabled and part of me is a sad

for him. I suppose it's the parentified child in me that worries about him, but

I'm honestly grateful to him for sticking around when other men would have left.

I lived in mortal fear that my mother would make good on her oft-voiced threats

to divorce Dad because I was convinced that any court in the nation would give

us to her. I guess I'm worried about any guilt he might feel for not have doing

more, when I don't see what more he could have done.

> > >

> >

>