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WHY do I still want peace with my nada?

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As most of you know my nada is 89 1/2 years old now and has been going down hill

by inches for over a year. She is now on her last legs and suffering terribly

not only emotionally but physically as well of course. The latest is that she

now has weakness in her LEFT hand and arm as well as her right; she can't walk

hardly at all; can't stand for more than a few minutes; keeps falling down;

can't hold food down; is very tired; has a constant cough which sounds to me

like fluid in her lungs and can't eat much at all. Her heart is very weak (this

from her doctor's mouth); she has Vitamin B-12 deficiency; Vitamin D Deficiency;

is severely underweight; diabetic which she does not control; has had numerous

transient strokes and bladder incontinence as well as two hard goose sized lumps

(one under her right arm and one behind her right knee) which blew up out of

nowhere. About two months ago a huge hematoma blew up from under her right arm

where the lump is and reached around to her right breast nipple. It was so

large, she couldn't put her arm down! Of course it HID anything showing up on

her mammography and they never did an MRI on her. Not her regular doctor nor

the breast surgeon could tell me WHY that would happen to her. The breast

surgeon did a needle aspiration and removed all the fluid in her office, but

upon my asking the surgeon myself if she sent the fluid to a lab to be tested,

she sheepishly said no and all of a sudden had to 'get off the phone'. I found

that strange unless they already know she has lymphoma or some other cancer and

given her age and conditions they absolutely know she would not make it through

any surgery or any chemotherapy or radiation therapy so why bother. I don't

know. Not that 95% of me doesn't want to see nada pass quickly, quietly and

peacefully in her sleep and SOON for both our sakes, but a tiny part of me

thinks the doctors should DO something, but in reality she won't listen to them

anyway - though this is difficult to watch even though I certainly do not like

nada or respect her for the way she has led her life and treated everyone in it

including me most of the time. Still she is my mother and I love her as much as

I can love someone like her. She has dementia also but it is not severe (though

she is rational some times and totally irrational and living in her bizarre

fantasy world with such a screwed up version of reality and what really went on

in our lives it is insane). To her I am still five years old and it makes me

nuts.

So why do I want peace with my nada now? Why do I still look at times for

admiration; respect or all the other things I hardly EVER got from her as a

child. I guess my inner child wants that because my adult certainly knows it

isn't going to happen. I only see glimpses of a rational being there and these

are fewer and fewer with each passing day.

Most of my friends don't get it at all. They can't comprehend what I went

through or am going through. Like I said I have come to a place where I don't

expect them to get it and I just look for compassion elsewhere in this group

because all of you DO get it as you lived it just as I did and do, but I wish I

could just come to terms with the fact I am never going to get what I want from

nada now or probably ever. Any thoughts on this?

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