Notice of Revocation

[Guest guest]

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE To the citizens of the United States

of

America, In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and

thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your

independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen II will resume monarchial duties

over

all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she

does

not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the

97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world

outside

your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for

further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A

questionnaire

will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following

rules

are introduced with immediate effect:

1.You should look up " revocation " in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then

look

up " aluminium " . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just

how

incorrectly ( " wrongly " ) you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you

should

raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up " vocabulary " . Using

the

same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as " like " and

" you know " is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look

up

" interspersed " .

2.There is no such thing as " US English " . We will let Microsoft know on

your

behalf.

3.You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It

really isn't that hard.

4.Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the

good

guys.

5.You should relearn your original national anthem, " God Save The Queen " ,

but

only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get

confused

and give up half way through.

6.You should stop playing American " football " . There is only one kind of

football. What you refer to as American " football " is not a very good

game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders

may

have noticed that no one else plays " American " football. You will no

longer

be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially,

it

would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those

of

you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar

to

American " football " , but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty

seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to

get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7.You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if

they

give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a

world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians

have

never been the bad guys. " Merde " is French for " sh*t " .

8.July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new

national

holiday, but only in England. It will be called " Indecisive Day " .

9.All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your

own

good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10.Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.