Conditional Love?

[Guest guest]

I was wondering if this process happens to everyone when they find out about

BPD. I was so happy to have answers and so relieved to find it was not all my

fault. I was so glad to be able to talk to other people that are going through

the same thing. And I was excited to have a place to turn for guidance. Also I

was able to take the really bad things my BP Mom had done and say to myself

that she is not a bad person it is just BPD.

But after the joy of all of this wore of I felt sad and frustrated. Last night

I started crying and I didn't know why. My wonderful husband who had a BP

uncle, is so understanding. He held me until I was ready to talk and in time I

realized that I was tearing myself in two.

The truth I am afraid to admit is I want so badly to cut my Mom from my life

completely. Never talk, think about, or see her ever again. But then there is

the other side that loved her so so much. For so long I thought she was my best

friend. I did everything as a child to make her happy and when she was happy

she was so warm and loving. I talked to her about everything and in my dreams

of my future she was there. Babysitting my kids and happy in my home on the

holidays.

Ever since I married my husband, (the ultimate betrayal and abandonment.) I

have not seen that good side of my Mom because I can't be the person that does

everything to make her happy and be a strong woman and wife. And what I

realized last night is that not only is that side of my Mom gone, but did it

ever exist the way I believed it did. Did she actually love me and think of me

as her best friend as I did with her? Did she even love me at all? Because I

really don't think that her love was real because when it came to my happiness,

and she didn't get what she wanted, it was completely gone. The pain I feel now

hurts a lot and I just want to know if that love could have existed in a BP?

Actual real compassionate love? She called it unconditional and yet it stopped

on the condition that I didn't do what she wanted. And the truth is I remember

feeling this way all the time throughout my childhood and life. That is why I

worked so hard to show her my love for her and do what she wanted so she would

love me back.

I feel like in order for me to deal with all of this I could morn what I thought

our relationship was and was going to be throughout my life. But I am so sad

and I really feel betrayed because I love her so much, and now she is so mean

and so destructive. And I know it was going on my whole life and I know how

many scars I have because of it. And I know I don't want her anywhere near my

life like that. But I just wish the love was not only true but also could

overpower the bad and now I know that won't happen with her. As far as she is

concerned she is fine and doesn't need help. What is the truth here?

Em

[Guest guest]

Em, your words and feelings are EXACTLY how I see things with my mom and how

things have been with her since I was a teen. Your words are my words. I too

feel the love (coming from my unconditional love for HER) and have a very hard

time with the whole concept.

You are very brave, you sound like you have done lots of soul searching.

I wish this BPD never existed...it's such a burden.

Amy

Conditional Love?

I was wondering if this process happens to everyone when they find out about

BPD. I was so happy to have answers and so relieved to find it was not all my

fault. I was so glad to be able to talk to other people that are going through

the same thing. And I was excited to have a place to turn for guidance. Also I

was able to take the really bad things my BP Mom had done and say to myself

that she is not a bad person it is just BPD.

But after the joy of all of this wore of I felt sad and frustrated. Last night

I started crying and I didn't know why. My wonderful husband who had a BP

uncle, is so understanding. He held me until I was ready to talk and in time I

realized that I was tearing myself in two.

The truth I am afraid to admit is I want so badly to cut my Mom from my life

completely. Never talk, think about, or see her ever again. But then there is

the other side that loved her so so much. For so long I thought she was my best

friend. I did everything as a child to make her happy and when she was happy

she was so warm and loving. I talked to her about everything and in my dreams

of my future she was there. Babysitting my kids and happy in my home on the

holidays.

Ever since I married my husband, (the ultimate betrayal and abandonment.) I

have not seen that good side of my Mom because I can't be the person that does

everything to make her happy and be a strong woman and wife. And what I

realized last night is that not only is that side of my Mom gone, but did it

ever exist the way I believed it did. Did she actually love me and think of me

as her best friend as I did with her? Did she even love me at all? Because I

really don't think that her love was real because when it came to my happiness,

and she didn't get what she wanted, it was completely gone. The pain I feel now

hurts a lot and I just want to know if that love could have existed in a BP?

Actual real compassionate love? She called it unconditional and yet it stopped

on the condition that I didn't do what she wanted. And the truth is I remember

feeling this way all the time throughout my childhood and life. That is why I

worked so hard to show her my love for her and do what she wanted so she would

love me back.

I feel like in order for me to deal with all of this I could morn what I thought

our relationship was and was going to be throughout my life. But I am so sad

and I really feel betrayed because I love her so much, and now she is so mean

and so destructive. And I know it was going on my whole life and I know how

many scars I have because of it. And I know I don't want her anywhere near my

life like that. But I just wish the love was not only true but also could

overpower the bad and now I know that won't happen with her. As far as she is

concerned she is fine and doesn't need help. What is the truth here?

Em

[Guest guest]

Whit,

I really feel for you. I think you're seeing the truth though.

>

>

> I was wondering if this process happens to everyone when they find out

> about BPD. I was so happy to have answers and so relieved to find it was not

> all my fault. I was so glad to be able to talk to other people that are

> going through the same thing. And I was excited to have a place to turn for

> guidance. Also I was able to take the really bad things my BP Mom had done

> and say to myself that she is not a bad person it is just BPD.

> But after the joy of all of this wore of I felt sad and frustrated. Last

> night I started crying and I didn't know why. My wonderful husband who had a

> BP uncle, is so understanding. He held me until I was ready to talk and in

> time I realized that I was tearing myself in two.

> The truth I am afraid to admit is I want so badly to cut my Mom from my

> life completely. Never talk, think about, or see her ever again. But then

> there is the other side that loved her so so much. For so long I thought she

> was my best friend. I did everything as a child to make her happy and when

> she was happy she was so warm and loving. I talked to her about everything

> and in my dreams of my future she was there. Babysitting my kids and happy

> in my home on the holidays.

> Ever since I married my husband, (the ultimate betrayal and abandonment.) I

> have not seen that good side of my Mom because I can't be the person that

> does everything to make her happy and be a strong woman and wife. And what I

> realized last night is that not only is that side of my Mom gone, but did it

> ever exist the way I believed it did. Did she actually love me and think of

> me as her best friend as I did with her? Did she even love me at all?

> Because I really don't think that her love was real because when it came to

> my happiness, and she didn't get what she wanted, it was completely gone.

> The pain I feel now hurts a lot and I just want to know if that love could

> have existed in a BP? Actual real compassionate love? She called it

> unconditional and yet it stopped on the condition that I didn't do what she

> wanted. And the truth is I remember feeling this way all the time throughout

> my childhood and life. That is why I worked so hard to show her my love for

> her and do what she wanted so she would love me back.

> I feel like in order for me to deal with all of this I could morn what I

> thought our relationship was and was going to be throughout my life. But I

> am so sad and I really feel betrayed because I love her so much, and now she

> is so mean and so destructive. And I know it was going on my whole life and

> I know how many scars I have because of it. And I know I don't want her

> anywhere near my life like that. But I just wish the love was not only true

> but also could overpower the bad and now I know that won't happen with her.

> As far as she is concerned she is fine and doesn't need help. What is the

> truth here?

> Em

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Em,

You need to realize you are grieving for the life/mother you thought you had.

Like a cruel joke, you have found out the fantasy the BPD mom wove only

continued until you stepped out of line. It sounds like you have already

realized this, so pat yourself on the back--I am 46 and finally putting all this

together. But it hurts, oh man does it hurt--its like being shot in the gut.

You are right to be hurt, and you need to do this grieving process for yourself

and your family. You have good instincts and know the fantasy from the truth,

and will be able to face it all in time. You only want what we are all entitled

to: a caring spouse, a fulfilling life and children to raise (if we are blessed

with them).

Children are supposed to grow up and grow away from the nurturing of their

parents. No where is it said children are supposed to nurture the emotional

needs the parent! Not unless the parent becomes ill in old age, and certainly

not the child's entire life! You are entitled to live a life separate from her.

We have been brainwashed our whole lives to nurture our mothers (keep the peace,

take their burdens, be quiet, don't argue, run interference wherever it was

needed to keep mom stable). That programming takes a while to rewrite. And it

sounds like you are in the middle of figuring out where your comfort zone of

enmeshment with her is for now.

I have been no contact (before BPD was realized), and while that was a wonderful

time of discovery for me, I find it causes me too much guilt and paranoia about

her and the power she can wield. So I am back to low contact. I'm sure the sh*t

will hit the fan eventually, but I am not entirely sure I care. My father is

still in the picture, but although he, too, is a victim, he made his choice and

I can't save him--only myself.

>

> I was wondering if this process happens to everyone when they find out about

BPD. I was so happy to have answers and so relieved to find it was not all my

fault. I was so glad to be able to talk to other people that are going through

the same thing. And I was excited to have a place to turn for guidance. Also I

was able to take the really bad things my BP Mom had done and say to myself

that she is not a bad person it is just BPD.

> But after the joy of all of this wore of I felt sad and frustrated. Last

night I started crying and I didn't know why. My wonderful husband who had a BP

uncle, is so understanding. He held me until I was ready to talk and in time I

realized that I was tearing myself in two.

> The truth I am afraid to admit is I want so badly to cut my Mom from my life

completely. Never talk, think about, or see her ever again. But then there is

the other side that loved her so so much. For so long I thought she was my best

friend. I did everything as a child to make her happy and when she was happy

she was so warm and loving. I talked to her about everything and in my dreams

of my future she was there. Babysitting my kids and happy in my home on the

holidays.

> Ever since I married my husband, (the ultimate betrayal and abandonment.) I

have not seen that good side of my Mom because I can't be the person that does

everything to make her happy and be a strong woman and wife. And what I

realized last night is that not only is that side of my Mom gone, but did it

ever exist the way I believed it did. Did she actually love me and think of me

as her best friend as I did with her? Did she even love me at all? Because I

really don't think that her love was real because when it came to my happiness,

and she didn't get what she wanted, it was completely gone. The pain I feel now

hurts a lot and I just want to know if that love could have existed in a BP?

Actual real compassionate love? She called it unconditional and yet it stopped

on the condition that I didn't do what she wanted. And the truth is I remember

feeling this way all the time throughout my childhood and life. That is why I

worked so hard to show her my love for her and do what she wanted so she would

love me back.

> I feel like in order for me to deal with all of this I could morn what I

thought our relationship was and was going to be throughout my life. But I am

so sad and I really feel betrayed because I love her so much, and now she is so

mean and so destructive. And I know it was going on my whole life and I know

how many scars I have because of it. And I know I don't want her anywhere near

my life like that. But I just wish the love was not only true but also could

overpower the bad and now I know that won't happen with her. As far as she is

concerned she is fine and doesn't need help. What is the truth here?

> Em

>

[Guest guest]

dear Em,

Your new understanding for the BPD's & narcissist's conditional love is a

really tough realization to go thru alone. I'm glad you have this site to

get feed back. I am 56 yrs. old, and although I've kind of known about

nada's and fada's conditional love, I, like you, never really fully accepted

it.......it just couldn't be real!!! Guess what? It is real. It has

smacked me in the face like nothing else recently and after crying for 2

months,

I have begun the healing process, and am getting on with my

life..........We cannot make them " happy " , there are not enough hoops for us to

jump

thru, and we will never be allowed to be ourselves around them. We are not

allowed opinions other then their opinions or we leave ourselves targets for

criticism.

I grieve for you and am happy for you at the same time. I grieve for your

sorrow at the " loss " of a parent's love, but I'm happy you are on your way

to healing. They are sick in the heads, childlike in their behavior

and we are the ones they have chosen to enable their cruel behavior. Their

" love " does come with conditions. Hard to understand and accept, but it

is true.

Hugs,

Laurie

In a message dated 10/28/2010 9:35:32 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

whit282008@... writes:

I was wondering if this process happens to everyone when they find out

about BPD. I was so happy to have answers and so relieved to find it was not

all my fault. I was so glad to be able to talk to other people that are going

through the same thing. And I was excited to have a place to turn for

guidance. Also I was able to take the really bad things my BP Mom had done and

say to myself that she is not a bad person it is just BPD.

But after the joy of all of this wore of I felt sad and frustrated. Last

night I started crying and I didn't know why. My wonderful husband who had a

BP uncle, is so understanding. He held me until I was ready to talk and in

time I realized that I was tearing myself in two.

The truth I am afraid to admit is I want so badly to cut my Mom from my

life completely. Never talk, think about, or see her ever again. But then

there is the other side that loved her so so much. For so long I thought she

was my best friend. I did everything as a child to make her happy and when

she was happy she was so warm and loving. I talked to her about everything

and in my dreams of my future she was there. Babysitting my kids and happy

in my home on the holidays.

Ever since I married my husband, (the ultimate betrayal and abandonment.)

I have not seen that good side of my Mom because I can't be the person that

does everything to make her happy and be a strong woman and wife. And what

I realized last night is that not only is that side of my Mom gone, but

did it ever exist the way I believed it did. Did she actually love me and

think of me as her best friend as I did with her? Did she even love me at all?

Because I really don't think that her love was real because when it came

to my happiness, and she didn't get what she wanted, it was completely gone.

The pain I feel now hurts a lot and I just want to know if that love could

have existed in a BP? Actual real compassionate love? She called it

unconditional and yet it stopped on the condition that I didn't do what she

wanted. And the truth is I remember feeling this way all the time throughout my

childhood and life. That is why I worked so hard to show her my love for

her and do what she wanted so she would love me back.

I feel like in order for me to deal with all of this I could morn what I

thought our relationship was and was going to be throughout my life. But I

am so sad and I really feel betrayed because I love her so much, and now she

is so mean and so destructive. And I know it was going on my whole life

and I know how many scars I have because of it. And I know I don't want her

anywhere near my life like that. But I just wish the love was not only true

but also could overpower the bad and now I know that won't happen with her.

As far as she is concerned she is fine and doesn't need help. What is the

truth here?

Em

[Guest guest]

--

I believe, if I found my old journals from this season in my life (where I had

started to find out the truth of my mother's BPD) I think they would match your

post, practically word-for-word!

Yes. What you are going through is normal. Absolutely. Once that truth hits,

there is a WHOLE lot of fall-out to deal with. The questions, the hurt, the

horror of it all is just huge.

It's so strange--my whole life, I only wanted the truth. I craved something that

couldn't be argued with--something real, not something shifting like nada's

" truth. " And . . . the weekend I read " Understanding the Borderline Mother " I

finally had my truth. That weekend was was the saddest, most gut-wrenching two

days of my life. Truth be known, I wanted no part of that sad truth. Still

don't, if I'm honest.

Yes, I felt like a complete a**hole for a while when I started to realize how

much I loved her and thought of her as my best friend, when she had nothing to

offer in return. But, the truth of the matter is, we are all hard wired to love

our mothers. Period. Even if it was unbalanced and she was sick, there is

nothing wrong with your core nature loving your mother as best you could.

That's what makes us human. And that's what makes this so hard.

Also, if your nada is like mine, she is very functional. Her BPD is very

erratic, and she's able to " cover " her illness much better. So . . . I was best

friends with my mother for most of my life. And she could, in a very erratic

fashion, play her part. She's a mix of 90% fun (childish) and 10% sheer

poision. That was pretty confusing once I had to deal with the reality of who

she was overall.

Be encouraged, my friend. This season is shocking, but this truth isn't bigger

than you. Not even close. The shock will wear off fairly quickly, and then you

can get down to the business of moving on.

There is freedom at the end of this. And you should spend a moment being very,

very proud of yourself!!! It took courage for you to face this stuff.

Boatloads of courage.

Good for you!!

Blessings,

Karla

>

> I was wondering if this process happens to everyone when they find out about

BPD. I was so happy to have answers and so relieved to find it was not all my

fault. I was so glad to be able to talk to other people that are going through

the same thing. And I was excited to have a place to turn for guidance. Also I

was able to take the really bad things my BP Mom had done and say to myself

that she is not a bad person it is just BPD.

> But after the joy of all of this wore of I felt sad and frustrated. Last

night I started crying and I didn't know why. My wonderful husband who had a BP

uncle, is so understanding. He held me until I was ready to talk and in time I

realized that I was tearing myself in two.

> The truth I am afraid to admit is I want so badly to cut my Mom from my life

completely. Never talk, think about, or see her ever again. But then there is

the other side that loved her so so much. For so long I thought she was my best

friend. I did everything as a child to make her happy and when she was happy

she was so warm and loving. I talked to her about everything and in my dreams

of my future she was there. Babysitting my kids and happy in my home on the

holidays.

> Ever since I married my husband, (the ultimate betrayal and abandonment.) I

have not seen that good side of my Mom because I can't be the person that does

everything to make her happy and be a strong woman and wife. And what I

realized last night is that not only is that side of my Mom gone, but did it

ever exist the way I believed it did. Did she actually love me and think of me

as her best friend as I did with her? Did she even love me at all? Because I

really don't think that her love was real because when it came to my happiness,

and she didn't get what she wanted, it was completely gone. The pain I feel now

hurts a lot and I just want to know if that love could have existed in a BP?

Actual real compassionate love? She called it unconditional and yet it stopped

on the condition that I didn't do what she wanted. And the truth is I remember

feeling this way all the time throughout my childhood and life. That is why I

worked so hard to show her my love for her and do what she wanted so she would

love me back.

> I feel like in order for me to deal with all of this I could morn what I

thought our relationship was and was going to be throughout my life. But I am

so sad and I really feel betrayed because I love her so much, and now she is so

mean and so destructive. And I know it was going on my whole life and I know

how many scars I have because of it. And I know I don't want her anywhere near

my life like that. But I just wish the love was not only true but also could

overpower the bad and now I know that won't happen with her. As far as she is

concerned she is fine and doesn't need help. What is the truth here?

> Em

>