Re: Enjoying causing pain

[Guest guest]

I relate. My mother I have recently discovered has underlying issues with her

children, particularly her daughters, when we achieve more than she has or do

well. I have realized, to my complete horror, that lately she has been cold to

me because she is incapable of dealing with my sister in law whereas I am not.

Instead of supporting me and being grateful, she has become more and more

distant and invalidating of me. She seems to want to hurt my feelings or make me

feel bad in some way all the time lately. It's very disturbing. Interestingly I

have a sister who has apparently seen through her for years and years. Whereas

when it comes to her undercutting her children in this particular way, I am just

catching on. Her behavior has always mystified me and only now is it beginning

to make " sense " in terms of her underlying motives.

>

> Hi

>

> Is this a BPD thing- If nada for whatever reason feels better by making me

upset or angry. It's almost like it feeds her or something. I wouldn't say she

gets pleasure from it like sadism, just more that she needs it. Needs to see me

in pain, or angry or upset.... Does this sound familiar to anyone?

>

> tre

>

[Guest guest]

>

> I think mine likes to see me in need b/c then it makes her feel needed.

> Also, I think she just plain and simple likes drama.

>

I think its a " misery loves company " sort of thing - they are miserable all the

time, so they need to inflict that misery on everyone else to make themselves

feel better - or at least not so different from the rest of the world. My bro

and his family were doing well and my nada accused them of lying to her because

what she really wants to know is how bad they are doing and how miserable their

life is because they made a choice to move that was unsanctioned by her...is

that twisted or what? I agree with the above statement - I think she needs to

see her children do poorly so she is needed again - can't rejoice in their

successes if it can't involve her...

[Guest guest]

Yes, to me it makes sense. my bp is 'out to get me' . Most common, but never

restricted to, comments I hear are " when are you getting a REAL job " , " Only girls

wear earings " , " You look stupid with your hair short " .. etc..

I love my job and because I dont make a lot of money, it's not " real " . BP's love

a good fight.

I get these comments out of no where.. sometimes alone but often around other

family. never her friends though.

but one thing TRE, it's not about you. This is apart of the disease. I highly

suggest Walking On Eggshells...

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Mon, October 25, 2010 9:58:55 PM

Subject: Enjoying causing pain

 

Hi

Is this a BPD thing- If nada for whatever reason feels better by making me upset

or angry. It's almost like it feeds her or something. I wouldn't say she gets

pleasure from it like sadism, just more that she needs it. Needs to see me in

pain, or angry or upset.... Does this sound familiar to anyone?

tre

[Guest guest]

My BP did this. I would experience this as a child and it was cruel. She would

start an issue and scream. any answer was not right. I would move after an hour

of interrogating and I would be followed.. sometimes immediate sometimes a few

minutes later.. I'd lock a door and I would be told if I didn't open it she

would release the wrath of my father on me. I would leave the house and told to

come back in... oh then the shame part came in.. if I was outside she would not

scream but demand that I came in and if I did not, I was grounded.. which means

I had to come in. I could NEVER win. I feel you.

 

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tue, October 26, 2010 5:03:21 PM

Subject: Re: Re: Enjoying causing pain

 

Isn't that part of the borderline persona too, Tre?  My husband used to follow

me around the house screaming at me.  If I shut a door he opened it.  He would

go on and on and on long after I shut up.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tue, October 26, 2010 1:50:17 PM

Subject: Re: Enjoying causing pain

 

Hi

I'm lumping my responses into one post - but thanks to everyone who responded.

I was talking about direct comments meant to cause pain. I have experiences even

when I told her straight out that I really didn't want to talk about something

because it was too painful, and it seemed to egg her on, she pushed until I

burst out screaming and crying. Then she seemed sated. The conversation wouldn't

end until I fell apart. So in that case, I agree with the sociopath comment, the

druglike rewards from the brain because she 'won'; as well as the idea that my

acting out pain somehow made her internal pain bearable, like I acted it out for

her and made her feel better for a short while.

However she also enjoys watching me in pain just in general. The worse my news

is, the better she feels. I mostly just don't tell her about anything bad.

tre

[Guest guest]

Being put in no-win situations.... check.

Being interrogated, in which no answer was right and would result in nada's

escalating rage, getting slapped around or hit with a belt.... check.

-Annie

>

> My BP did this. I would experience this as a child and it was cruel. She would

> start an issue and scream. any answer was not right. I would move after an

hour

> of interrogating and I would be followed.. sometimes immediate sometimes a few

> minutes later.. I'd lock a door and I would be told if I didn't open it she

> would release the wrath of my father on me. I would leave the house and told

to

> come back in... oh then the shame part came in.. if I was outside she would

not

> scream but demand that I came in and if I did not, I was grounded.. which

means

> I had to come in. I could NEVER win. I feel you.

>

>  

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Tue, October 26, 2010 5:03:21 PM

> Subject: Re: Re: Enjoying causing pain

>

>  

> Isn't that part of the borderline persona too, Tre?  My husband used to

follow

> me around the house screaming at me.  If I shut a door he opened it.  He

would

> go on and on and on long after I shut up.

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Tue, October 26, 2010 1:50:17 PM

> Subject: Re: Enjoying causing pain

>

>  

> Hi

>

> I'm lumping my responses into one post - but thanks to everyone who responded.

>

> I was talking about direct comments meant to cause pain. I have experiences

even

>

> when I told her straight out that I really didn't want to talk about something

> because it was too painful, and it seemed to egg her on, she pushed until I

> burst out screaming and crying. Then she seemed sated. The conversation

wouldn't

>

> end until I fell apart. So in that case, I agree with the sociopath comment,

the

>

> druglike rewards from the brain because she 'won'; as well as the idea that my

> acting out pain somehow made her internal pain bearable, like I acted it out

for

>

> her and made her feel better for a short while.

>

> However she also enjoys watching me in pain just in general. The worse my news

> is, the better she feels. I mostly just don't tell her about anything bad.

>

> tre

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh yes, definitely, in my opinion the central aspect of both BPD and NPD is the

compulsive need to harm vulnerable victims (which usually turn out to be family

members). What makes it so complex is that they need to feel the 'enjoyment' of

doing the harm, but they also need to deny to themselves that they are doing the

harm, so they engage in complex cover-up procedures that I call 'masking'. (I

wrote a post about masking techniques awhile back). Many say that the central

aspects of bpd are terror of abandonment and emotional dysregulation, but I

think that the need to harm and mask are even more central. Also, with bpd the

need to harm will usually theme around a few 'split black' traits that they

desperately need to project OFF of themselves. My own nada, for example,

desperately needed to make me feel overweight, unattractive to the opposite sex

and unpopular, because those were the things she was terrified of being. And so

she (to this day) relentlessly made it a life theme to try to make me feel that

way, whilst masking and denying she was doing so. To my split good sister, she

tried to make her feel inhumanly exalted in all those categories--just the

opposite. It was brutal. Another example-- I once briefly dated a bpd man who

needed to project his terror of being physically weak. On our very first date,

he started accusing me of being 'weak' and cowardly because I had expressed fear

of my physically violent ex-husband! He had never met the guy and had

absolutely no evidence of my experiences. He just had a bpd projection need.

If a KO can locate their nada's desperate projection/harm themes, it makes it a

lot easier to overcome them, and to learn to be happy.

--Charlie

> >

> > My BP did this. I would experience this as a child and it was cruel. She

would

> > start an issue and scream. any answer was not right. I would move after an

hour

> > of interrogating and I would be followed.. sometimes immediate sometimes a

few

> > minutes later.. I'd lock a door and I would be told if I didn't open it she

> > would release the wrath of my father on me. I would leave the house and told

to

> > come back in... oh then the shame part came in.. if I was outside she would

not

> > scream but demand that I came in and if I did not, I was grounded.. which

means

> > I had to come in. I could NEVER win. I feel you.

> >

> >  

> >

> >

> >

> > ________________________________

> > From: Tiny Pundit <tiny.pundit@>

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Sent: Tue, October 26, 2010 5:03:21 PM

> > Subject: Re: Re: Enjoying causing pain

> >

> >  

> > Isn't that part of the borderline persona too, Tre?  My husband used to

follow

> > me around the house screaming at me.  If I shut a door he opened it.  He

would

> > go on and on and on long after I shut up.

> >

> > ________________________________

> > From: tretretre1971 <terriruth@>

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Sent: Tue, October 26, 2010 1:50:17 PM

> > Subject: Re: Enjoying causing pain

> >

> >  

> > Hi

> >

> > I'm lumping my responses into one post - but thanks to everyone who

responded.

> >

> > I was talking about direct comments meant to cause pain. I have experiences

even

> >

> > when I told her straight out that I really didn't want to talk about

something

> > because it was too painful, and it seemed to egg her on, she pushed until I

> > burst out screaming and crying. Then she seemed sated. The conversation

wouldn't

> >

> > end until I fell apart. So in that case, I agree with the sociopath comment,

the

> >

> > druglike rewards from the brain because she 'won'; as well as the idea that

my

> > acting out pain somehow made her internal pain bearable, like I acted it out

for

> >

> > her and made her feel better for a short while.

> >

> > However she also enjoys watching me in pain just in general. The worse my

news

> > is, the better she feels. I mostly just don't tell her about anything bad.

> >

> > tre

> >

> >