Re: a month after nada's death

[Guest guest]

Michele...I send my most heartwarming and comforting hug to you. I can only

imagine the pain you are in right now...my mom always has threatened me with her

death...and I actually dread when it will happen..it won't be a natural life

cycle to deal with because it hasn't been natural my whole life.

I wish peace on you, and freedom from this pain of her loss and what she had

done in her life to get you upset.

Amy

a month after nada's death

It has been a little more than a month since nada died. While I did not

expect to be doing great, I did not expect to be doing as badly as I am. I

feel like I am getting worse rather than better - I have been so emotional

and so overwhelmed and just generally not doing well.

I completely lost it on the phone yesterday with a representative from a

financial institution that was not being particularly helpful with some

paperwork I was trying to fill out to transfer my mom's account.When I got

off the phone, I could not stop crying for a really long time. And when I

was trying to go to sleep, I felt like I was suffocating and ended up going

down and talking and crying to my husband for a while. Then other times,

like so far today, I feel basically fine. These waves of sadness or anxiety

or whatever just seem to come out of nowhere and knock me down. When my Dad

died 9 years ago, I don't remember doing so badly.

I've got a lot on my plate: work, school, three kids, and now trying to

settle nada's estate and deal with her stuff. A friend said to me that it

really hasn't been that long since my mom died and that since my mom was not

straightforward in life she'd be surprised if she would be straightforward

in death. This is probably all true - I just thought I would be doing better

than I am. I was counting the days since she died because on a form I need

to fill out there is a 40 day waiting period. When I discovered that today

is 39 days since she died, I just thought - it seems so much longer than

that. It has been a tough and long 39 days.

I'm really just venting.

[Guest guest]

I believe when parents die, no matter what the relationship, people feel a

little guilty and badly -- I should've done this, I shouldn't have done that,

etc., etc.  The thing is, whatever we did or did not do, whatever we said or

did

not say, was probably all a part of God's plan all along.  God is love and

peace

and all that but He is also transforming us, making us into what He wants us to

become.  When life is easy and pain free, we usually don't learn life's

lessons.

Who knows why we were put in the families we grew up in?  My father was the one

in my family.  He died a couple of decades ago and still I sometimes wonder

could I have done that differently?  The thing is, we are often the way we are

to them because of how they have been to us.  We are left befuddled and betwixt

and we try to learn, grow, protect ourselves. 

We cannot go back, we can only go forward.  Ease up on yourself.  Go ahead and

cry out some of those emotions.  Accept yourself and love yourself.  You're

OK.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tue, October 26, 2010 2:00:45 PM

Subject: a month after nada's death

 

It has been a little more than a month since nada died. While I did not

expect to be doing great, I did not expect to be doing as badly as I am. I

feel like I am getting worse rather than better - I have been so emotional

and so overwhelmed and just generally not doing well.

I completely lost it on the phone yesterday with a representative from a

financial institution that was not being particularly helpful with some

paperwork I was trying to fill out to transfer my mom's account.When I got

off the phone, I could not stop crying for a really long time. And when I

was trying to go to sleep, I felt like I was suffocating and ended up going

down and talking and crying to my husband for a while. Then other times,

like so far today, I feel basically fine. These waves of sadness or anxiety

or whatever just seem to come out of nowhere and knock me down. When my Dad

died 9 years ago, I don't remember doing so badly.

I've got a lot on my plate: work, school, three kids, and now trying to

settle nada's estate and deal with her stuff. A friend said to me that it

really hasn't been that long since my mom died and that since my mom was not

straightforward in life she'd be surprised if she would be straightforward

in death. This is probably all true - I just thought I would be doing better

than I am. I was counting the days since she died because on a form I need

to fill out there is a 40 day waiting period. When I discovered that today

is 39 days since she died, I just thought - it seems so much longer than

that. It has been a tough and long 39 days.

I'm really just venting.

[Guest guest]

Tiny Pundit...that was a beautiful answer...I will keep that with me.

amy

a month after nada's death

It has been a little more than a month since nada died. While I did not

expect to be doing great, I did not expect to be doing as badly as I am. I

feel like I am getting worse rather than better - I have been so emotional

and so overwhelmed and just generally not doing well.

I completely lost it on the phone yesterday with a representative from a

financial institution that was not being particularly helpful with some

paperwork I was trying to fill out to transfer my mom's account.When I got

off the phone, I could not stop crying for a really long time. And when I

was trying to go to sleep, I felt like I was suffocating and ended up going

down and talking and crying to my husband for a while. Then other times,

like so far today, I feel basically fine. These waves of sadness or anxiety

or whatever just seem to come out of nowhere and knock me down. When my Dad

died 9 years ago, I don't remember doing so badly.

I've got a lot on my plate: work, school, three kids, and now trying to

settle nada's estate and deal with her stuff. A friend said to me that it

really hasn't been that long since my mom died and that since my mom was not

straightforward in life she'd be surprised if she would be straightforward

in death. This is probably all true - I just thought I would be doing better

than I am. I was counting the days since she died because on a form I need

to fill out there is a 40 day waiting period. When I discovered that today

is 39 days since she died, I just thought - it seems so much longer than

that. It has been a tough and long 39 days.

I'm really just venting.

[Guest guest]

((((MY)))) sorry things are going hard with you right now. I'm definitely

agreeing with others that you are going to have heavy emotions to work through

no matter what the relationship. However ill she was with BPD, she was still

your mother and it is a loss if only the loss of what might have been.

I've thought a lot about what I'll do when my nada passes. I anticipate that

just the process of funeral and burying won't be enough. I'm planning on

contacting a shaman to do some type of ritual for the well-being and successful

transition of her soul. My gut tells me she'll need it - and so will I. I

don't know your religious affiliation, but maybe there's something extra like

that you can do which will fit with your beliefs, an extra way of saying goodbye

or letting go that might help. It could even be something you make up for

yourself that feels right that you do on your own.

take care,

julie

>

> It has been a little more than a month since nada died. While I did not

> expect to be doing great, I did not expect to be doing as badly as I am. I

> feel like I am getting worse rather than better - I have been so emotional

> and so overwhelmed and just generally not doing well.

>

> I completely lost it on the phone yesterday with a representative from a

> financial institution that was not being particularly helpful with some

> paperwork I was trying to fill out to transfer my mom's account.When I got

> off the phone, I could not stop crying for a really long time. And when I

> was trying to go to sleep, I felt like I was suffocating and ended up going

> down and talking and crying to my husband for a while. Then other times,

> like so far today, I feel basically fine. These waves of sadness or anxiety

> or whatever just seem to come out of nowhere and knock me down. When my Dad

> died 9 years ago, I don't remember doing so badly.

>

> I've got a lot on my plate: work, school, three kids, and now trying to

> settle nada's estate and deal with her stuff. A friend said to me that it

> really hasn't been that long since my mom died and that since my mom was not

> straightforward in life she'd be surprised if she would be straightforward

> in death. This is probably all true - I just thought I would be doing better

> than I am. I was counting the days since she died because on a form I need

> to fill out there is a 40 day waiting period. When I discovered that today

> is 39 days since she died, I just thought - it seems so much longer than

> that. It has been a tough and long 39 days.

>

> I'm really just venting.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Please accept my condolences. No matter what, the loss of one's mother is a

deep one. Personally, I think you have every right to grieve and grieve as hard

as you need to. And you deserve that right no matter what kind of mother you

had. In fact, i think you've earned the right to grieve harder than most.

Yours is an understandable grief, and probably a complex grief. For what it's

worth, the only things I know about grief are: 1) it has a mind of its own, 2)

it doesn't ever follow logic, and 3) it is best dealt with by accepting it

without too much questioning and experiencing each phase.

So, I hope you are able to give yourself as much leeway as you need on this one.

No one would ever judge you for feeling so lost and hurt and angry and confused.

Also, if you have a moment, check out any of Dr. Kubler-Ross' books. " On Grief

and Grieving " really helped me when I was trying to make sense of some of this--

Best to you in this time.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> It has been a little more than a month since nada died. While I did not

> expect to be doing great, I did not expect to be doing as badly as I am. I

> feel like I am getting worse rather than better - I have been so emotional

> and so overwhelmed and just generally not doing well.

>

> I completely lost it on the phone yesterday with a representative from a

> financial institution that was not being particularly helpful with some

> paperwork I was trying to fill out to transfer my mom's account.When I got

> off the phone, I could not stop crying for a really long time. And when I

> was trying to go to sleep, I felt like I was suffocating and ended up going

> down and talking and crying to my husband for a while. Then other times,

> like so far today, I feel basically fine. These waves of sadness or anxiety

> or whatever just seem to come out of nowhere and knock me down. When my Dad

> died 9 years ago, I don't remember doing so badly.

>

> I've got a lot on my plate: work, school, three kids, and now trying to

> settle nada's estate and deal with her stuff. A friend said to me that it

> really hasn't been that long since my mom died and that since my mom was not

> straightforward in life she'd be surprised if she would be straightforward

> in death. This is probably all true - I just thought I would be doing better

> than I am. I was counting the days since she died because on a form I need

> to fill out there is a 40 day waiting period. When I discovered that today

> is 39 days since she died, I just thought - it seems so much longer than

> that. It has been a tough and long 39 days.

>

> I'm really just venting.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

MY

I lost my nada in July of 2009. It took a year to settle the estate!

Don t be in a hurry, it will not go quickly. Don t be afraid to take a

BULLSHIT I M overwhelmed break.

Also, don t hesitate in the least, to say, sweetly, to an unhelpful

asshole on the phone, please let me talk to your supervisor, and what is

your name?

Do not put up with BULLSHIT.

Finally, remember the rules about grieving.

1. There are no rules.

2. Grieve as you grieve, in your own time.

3. If it is overwhelming you, get some help.

Who the hell says you should be doing better than you are! ? Be gentle

with yourself dear. You lost your mother. She was a nada, and you are

grieving her loss and the loss of a chance for a normal mom.

It s ok, really.

And vent all you like.

We are here.

Doug

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

First of all,sending you a (((HUG))) and my empathy.Your nada put

you in a position you don't want to be in with having to " care take " her

estate,the way she redid her will and gave you no head ups or forewarning--so it

would be a pretty normal reaction to have your stress level go into emotional

and overwhelmed when doing something related to that.Plus having the person on

the phone being unhelpful--just too much to have to deal with.It's no wonder you

couldn't stop crying afterward and felt like you were suffocating later.The

grief over losing a parent,any kind of parent,is already alot.And then our grief

as KOs is so complicated in ways that make the grief that is simply *there*

regardless of our parent having been mentally ill that much harder to process

because it has so much other loss and intense emotion attached to it.

Add to that mix being saddled with or burdened with being in a

position or situation a PD parent engineered to continue beyond the grave and it

seems to me that it amounts to just feeling as if you have been deprived of

grieving itself as a natural breaking away process from the deceased.I think

that when we know that anyone close to us is going to die we do sort of imagine

beforehand how we will cope,to try to prepare ourselves in some way--even when

that imagining isn't fully conscious in all the details; even when we know

rationally that no matter how much we try to prepare ourselves psychologically

for the inevitable we are still going to hurt and grieve.I also think it's

normal and common to make assumptions about how " things are going to be " when a

loved one dies--such as envisioning what the funeral or memorial service will be

like,reminding oneself of which relatives and friends will need to be

contacted,etc.Doing that also soothes our distress somewhat since we cannot

control the fact that our loved one is going to die and illusions of control are

actually psychologically helpful in these kinds of situations.

But PD people just have a way of messing with our *need* to direct

" how things are going to be " when they die.When my fada died,for example,things

seemed " right " : I had been there at his side; although we'd had a terrible

relationship I felt as if his final moments had been as " right " as they could

be.It was never going to be like in a functional family but for the

circumstances it was " right " .Which was so important because he was a *fada* and

I had so much to grieve...That must have lasted about three days,before I

learned that he had lied to me about his will and had completely disinherited me

which also meant that I had no say whatsoever about very low functioning

(declared incompetent) nada's medical care and up until that point I had been

intending to be the one who made arrangements for her care in an assisted living

facility so I'd at least know she was safe somewhere--instead he set it up so

I'd have to negociate (more likely:fight) with my brother to make decisions

about nada,someone who has no respect for me or my opinions and who was then

legally under no obligation to heed my recommendations for nada's care.

Long story but what that did was pile on yet another layer of betrayal

and fada imposing his dysfunctional will.When he was dying I hadn't " imagined "

it would ever come to that--for me to be so utterly disenfranchised from nada's

care that I wouldn't even have the peace of mind of knowing that I had her in a

safe place should I need to continue to be NC indefinitely...That extra layer of

" dysfunction from beyond the grave " upset me in ways I could not have

anticipated and at times my grief felt like an insanity.Like for about two

months after he died I couldn't even look at a baby or a toddler without

bursting into tears because their sweetness and innocence reminded me of how

profoundly my " father " had abandoned me/not rescued me at that age--but extreme

tears,like heaving sobbing.I was never able to shed a tear of pain about what

he'd done with his will--but my pain came out in weird ways like when I saw a

baby.I felt for a while like I must be losing it.I see now that I just had alot

of pain that needed an outlet to express itself--and most of all that the pain

was coming from not having had a " clean break " with his death,beyond his sheer

fada-ness; having been deprived of the kind of tidy sequence I had half imagined

would occur when he died (fada dies/I grieve his death/I grieve our non

relationship) because what I had instead was the messiness of an additional

issue to *have* to deal with about what his changed will had wrought.Not by my

choice.Not what I wanted or would have wanted.It wasn't a " try to deal with "

thing like his death simply would have been--it was a " have to deal with it "

thing.Which magnified my stress enormously.Which he had imposed on me and my

brother and NOT because he had had our best interests at heart.He had forced me

with the change of his will to deal with his shit all over again instead of just

having died in a way that would allow my grief to unfold--and that already was

going to be a complicated challenge.

As others have said,there is no timetable for grieving.It seems to me

that you also have the issue of your nada's estate to come to terms with,so

please be gentle with yourself if you aren't doing as well as you thought you

would be.That is another emotional adjustment to make in addition to your nada's

death,so please give yourself time and compassion as you adjust.And when

something like dealing with unhelpful representatives brings up those intense

feelings,remember that they are normal for an abnormal situation.I think it must

be fairly common for the immediate family of a deceased PD person to wonder why

they aren't doing better handling the death when they are having to adjust to

some curve (or more than one) that was thrown at them when the person died,even

when they know rationally that that is what it is.It takes time to come to terms

with that emotionally.Give yourself as much time as you need.

Take care,

> a month after nada's death

>

>

>

>

>

> It has been a little more than a month since nada died. While I did not

> expect to be doing great, I did not expect to be doing as badly as I am. I

> feel like I am getting worse rather than better - I have been so emotional

> and so overwhelmed and just generally not doing well.

>

> I completely lost it on the phone yesterday with a representative from a

> financial institution that was not being particularly helpful with some

> paperwork I was trying to fill out to transfer my mom's account.When I got

> off the phone, I could not stop crying for a really long time. And when I

> was trying to go to sleep, I felt like I was suffocating and ended up going

> down and talking and crying to my husband for a while. Then other times,

> like so far today, I feel basically fine. These waves of sadness or anxiety

> or whatever just seem to come out of nowhere and knock me down. When my Dad

> died 9 years ago, I don't remember doing so badly.

>

> I've got a lot on my plate: work, school, three kids, and now trying to

> settle nada's estate and deal with her stuff. A friend said to me that it

> really hasn't been that long since my mom died and that since my mom was not

> straightforward in life she'd be surprised if she would be straightforward

> in death. This is probably all true - I just thought I would be doing better

> than I am. I was counting the days since she died because on a form I need

> to fill out there is a 40 day waiting period. When I discovered that today

> is 39 days since she died, I just thought - it seems so much longer than

> that. It has been a tough and long 39 days.

>

> I'm really just venting.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your responses. I have read them many times (even though I

have not responded until now) and they have been so helpful to me. As a

result of your posts and talking to some folks in my life, I have felt a lot

more freedom to simply not being doing great right now. (In my family, I

have been the strong one, the one who held things together, the one who

could handle most anything - so I guess I expected myself to be able to be

that way with nada's death - I kind of was when my dad killed himself 9

years ago.)

In an odd way, not fighting it (sadness, anger, grief, anxiousness, etc.)

and not assuming I should be doing better, has made it seem a bit less

intense and on the whole I am doing a bit better. Grieving nada's death is

certainly not going to be straightforward and I don't know why I thought it

would be. Before she died, I honestly thought that I might be so relieved

when she died that I would just be glad. Turns out I haven't experienced

feeling much relief or gladness (though that may come at some point) -

mostly just sadness and pain. And yes, dealing with her estate and her

things has been tougher emotionally than I thought it would be.

Thank you for helping me to give myself freedom to grieve in whatever

unpredictable ways happen and to not need to have it all together.

MIchelle

> It has been a little more than a month since nada died. While I did not

> expect to be doing great, I did not expect to be doing as badly as I am. I

> feel like I am getting worse rather than better - I have been so emotional

> and so overwhelmed and just generally not doing well.

>

> I completely lost it on the phone yesterday with a representative from a

> financial institution that was not being particularly helpful with some

> paperwork I was trying to fill out to transfer my mom's account.When I got

> off the phone, I could not stop crying for a really long time. And when I

> was trying to go to sleep, I felt like I was suffocating and ended up going

> down and talking and crying to my husband for a while. Then other times,

> like so far today, I feel basically fine. These waves of sadness or anxiety

> or whatever just seem to come out of nowhere and knock me down. When my Dad

> died 9 years ago, I don't remember doing so badly.

>

> I've got a lot on my plate: work, school, three kids, and now trying to

> settle nada's estate and deal with her stuff. A friend said to me that it

> really hasn't been that long since my mom died and that since my mom was not

> straightforward in life she'd be surprised if she would be straightforward

> in death. This is probably all true - I just thought I would be doing better

> than I am. I was counting the days since she died because on a form I need

> to fill out there is a 40 day waiting period. When I discovered that today

> is 39 days since she died, I just thought - it seems so much longer than

> that. It has been a tough and long 39 days.

>

> I'm really just venting.

>

>

>