Re: Extended Family

October 28, 2010

I feel your pain here! I also wondered how terrible I must be to make my

mother so very unhappy. Poor lady. If your family sees you as the problem

for voicing a concern then that makes me think you'll end up being the

scapegoat. The unit denies the problem but but blames the one who sees the

problem. I have a family who acts all upstanding and perfect and I had to

cut ties with them because they needed me to be their one big problem. Good

luck with this!

>

> I am new to this site and I just want to say thank you so much to everyone

> who posts and comments. I am so comforted and educated by all of you and I

> am glad to have found you.

>

> I believe my Mom has BPD. I am an only child and my parents got divorced

> when I was 6. My whole life had been one on one with her. So naturally I

> always believed that there was something wrong with me that I could make my

> own Mom that miserable and angry. I have a lot of questions but today I have

> one big concern. I have only just started reading " Stop Walking on Egg

> Shells " and in one week I am going to go on a weekend with my cousins. I am

> scared because as of now I am the only person to have come to the conclusion

> that my Mom has BPD (through my therapist) and though it has brought me so

> much relief the rest of my family, like grandparents and my aunts and

> cousins are not ok with thinking there might be what they consider a mental

> problem in our family. I have not pushed the idea because the book said to

> be careful here. But I have been told that the boundaries I have tried to

> set in place with my Mom are tearing apart my whole family and are the

> reason she is so upset. (Bringing it back to being my fault) And I know that

> this is how most of my family feels. Needless to say I have no self of steam

> and care a lot about what these people think about me. I am in a very

> vulnerable place at the moment and I am scared to go on this cousins

> weekend. At the same time I love my cousins and I want to share in this

> weekend and not let my Mom problems dictate what I do anymore. Well I guess

> what I am asking is if there is any advice to allow me to enjoy my family,

> with out letting their feelings on how I choose to work with my Mom cause me

> pain or make me change what I feel is the right thing to do with her?

> Thanks again every one. Em

>

October 28, 2010

Thank you for your understanding. My family has had a " WE are perfect " campaign

going my whole life. It is all very confusing. Good to know I am not alone.

>

> >

> > I am new to this site and I just want to say thank you so much to everyone

> > who posts and comments. I am so comforted and educated by all of you and I

> > am glad to have found you.

> >

> > I believe my Mom has BPD. I am an only child and my parents got divorced

> > when I was 6. My whole life had been one on one with her. So naturally I

> > always believed that there was something wrong with me that I could make my

> > own Mom that miserable and angry. I have a lot of questions but today I have

> > one big concern. I have only just started reading " Stop Walking on Egg

> > Shells " and in one week I am going to go on a weekend with my cousins. I am

> > scared because as of now I am the only person to have come to the conclusion

> > that my Mom has BPD (through my therapist) and though it has brought me so

> > much relief the rest of my family, like grandparents and my aunts and

> > cousins are not ok with thinking there might be what they consider a mental

> > problem in our family. I have not pushed the idea because the book said to

> > be careful here. But I have been told that the boundaries I have tried to

> > set in place with my Mom are tearing apart my whole family and are the

> > reason she is so upset. (Bringing it back to being my fault) And I know that

> > this is how most of my family feels. Needless to say I have no self of steam

> > and care a lot about what these people think about me. I am in a very

> > vulnerable place at the moment and I am scared to go on this cousins

> > weekend. At the same time I love my cousins and I want to share in this

> > weekend and not let my Mom problems dictate what I do anymore. Well I guess

> > what I am asking is if there is any advice to allow me to enjoy my family,

> > with out letting their feelings on how I choose to work with my Mom cause me

> > pain or make me change what I feel is the right thing to do with her?

> > Thanks again every one. Em

> >

>

October 28, 2010

Hello,

I am new to this site as well and just learning more effective ways to set and

maintain boundaries with my hf nada. I am sure the situation is more

complicated than this but my initial thoughts are to set the boundary with your

cousins that you would like to enjoy the weekend but not discuss your mother

during that time since you see things differently but you really do want to

enjoy your time with them. Would they be able/willing to respect this?

>

> I am new to this site and I just want to say thank you so much to everyone who

posts and comments. I am so comforted and educated by all of you and I am glad

to have found you.

>

> I believe my Mom has BPD. I am an only child and my parents got divorced when

I was 6. My whole life had been one on one with her. So naturally I always

believed that there was something wrong with me that I could make my own Mom

that miserable and angry. I have a lot of questions but today I have one big

concern. I have only just started reading " Stop Walking on Egg Shells " and in

one week I am going to go on a weekend with my cousins. I am scared because as

of now I am the only person to have come to the conclusion that my Mom has BPD

(through my therapist) and though it has brought me so much relief the rest of

my family, like grandparents and my aunts and cousins are not ok with thinking

there might be what they consider a mental problem in our family. I have not

pushed the idea because the book said to be careful here. But I have been told

that the boundaries I have tried to set in place with my Mom are tearing apart

my whole family and are the reason she is so upset. (Bringing it back to being

my fault) And I know that this is how most of my family feels. Needless to say

I have no self of steam and care a lot about what these people think about me.

I am in a very vulnerable place at the moment and I am scared to go on this

cousins weekend. At the same time I love my cousins and I want to share in this

weekend and not let my Mom problems dictate what I do anymore. Well I guess

what I am asking is if there is any advice to allow me to enjoy my family, with

out letting their feelings on how I choose to work with my Mom cause me pain or

make me change what I feel is the right thing to do with her?

> Thanks again every one. Em

>

October 28, 2010

I hope you can work things out with your cousins. If the group is invested

in the perfectness of the family, then they're living a lie.

I couldn't figure out how to get along with people like that. There's no

truth, only denial and fiction. It would give me pain in my gut. Then when

they disatisfaction was expressed I was the only problem around--not true.

My whole life I found myself a whistleblower/scapegoat. Basically " she who

smelt it dealt it " .

>

> Hello,

>

> I am new to this site as well and just learning more effective ways to set

> and maintain boundaries with my hf nada. I am sure the situation is more

> complicated than this but my initial thoughts are to set the boundary with

> your cousins that you would like to enjoy the weekend but not discuss your

> mother during that time since you see things differently but you really do

> want to enjoy your time with them. Would they be able/willing to respect

> this?

>

> >

> > I am new to this site and I just want to say thank you so much to

> everyone who posts and comments. I am so comforted and educated by all of

> you and I am glad to have found you.