Guest guest Posted November 1, 2010 Report Share Posted November 1, 2010 My nada has basically disowned me because I no longer allow her to manipulate me, so I don't have any personal experience that might help you. But it sounds to me like what your nada is doing to you falls under the category of harassment. I'm thinking it might be time for you to pay a visit to your neighborhood lawyer for a consultation on taking out a restraining order or something of the sort. You deserve to live in peace. > > I haven't written in a while. This Christmas will mark 2 years of NC from > nada. I have done my best to keep her out of our lives. We live 5 hours > away, I have changed our phone numbers, we have moved, we have told our > children's teachers and friends and relatives that nada is not to have > contact with or possession of our children. We have rewritten wills. We've > done everything in my power to take our lives back. > > The economy sucks. My husband lost his job, and our little family of 5 has > been living with my husband's parents now for 10 months. Nada found out > about this, and it didn't take long for her to try to triangulate. She sent > letters in the mail full of lies and manipulations (I don't know why > won't talk to me! I just love my grandchildren and miss them! Please help me > fix this!) She calls here and they forget to check the caller ID and answer > the phone, and then say they feel uncomfortable 'lying' to her and saying > I'm not home, or give me messages from her (dramatic exaggerations like " I > just want to know my surgery went ok " when all that happened was a > routine doctors appointment and yearly exams). You all have nadas. You know > how they can twist the truth and triangulate and send flying monkeys in to > try to drag us back into their webs. > > I don't know what to do. My living situation is so out of control right now. > I've told them I don't want to talk to her, don't want her having > information about me or the kids, don't want to hear about it. My FIL thinks > he can somehow 'fix' this situation, he is a meddler in general. I don't > want nada calling, but I know I can't make her stop, because she has figured > out that if she calls here often enough, someone will eventually pick up, > and that is enough to make her fixate. I've started getting tense and jumpy > every time the phone rings. She used to call my house 6 times a day, that is > why I changed my number. Now it's happening again. > > I've thought and thought and I know there is probably no easy fix for this, > but am I missing something? Has anyone else been in a situation like this? > How did you cut nada off? How did you stay sane? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 1, 2010 Report Share Posted November 1, 2010 Wow, that's such a truly frustrating situation to be in. I can understand your feelings of anxiety: your control of your own environment has been taken away from you because you're not living in your own home: you and your husband and kids are the guests of your inlaws for a while. The key issue in my opinion is that although your inlaws are being kind and generous by helping your family out RE your living arrangements during these bad economic times, they for whatever reason are not willing to " take sides " and protect you from your nada and her unwanted, intrusive behaviors. Instead, your fil is even trying to meddle and " fix things " . How very frustrating for you. If your husband can't convince his parents that its very important *to him* for them to help with this issue and stop accepting contact attempts from your nada, then, I'm afraid you're pretty much in a no-win situation until you can move into your own place. Meanwhile, all I can think of that you could do is to start documenting all her attempts at contact. If you haven't already, I suggest you send her a notarized letter by registered mail (so that you will receive a signed receipt that it was delivered to her in person) stating that any and all her contact attempts are unwelcome and if she persists you will take out a restraining order against her. Keep any snail-mail or e-mail letters/cards she sends you, your kids, or your inlaws so you can put them (or hard copies of them) in a box for evidence. Note and document any in-person stalking, drive-bys, etc. Always record your phone conversations with her (include day, date, time); you only have ONE response for nada when she calls, and you talk over her if you have to, to say it and then simply hang up. I suggest something like, " You have been formally notified in writing that any and all attempts at contacting me and my children are unwelcome. If you continue to harass me I will have a restraining order taken out against you. I'm hanging up now. " So, basically, you're not having a conversation with her, you're reminding her (again) that she's going to have a restraining order taken out against her if she doesn't stop it. After you've formally notified her by letter, then, the more she calls you, the more cards or letters she sends you, the more evidence you have of harassment. Best of luck to you, I hope that your husband will get a good job soon and you guys can move out, into a place of your own. -Annie > > I haven't written in a while. This Christmas will mark 2 years of NC from > nada. I have done my best to keep her out of our lives. We live 5 hours > away, I have changed our phone numbers, we have moved, we have told our > children's teachers and friends and relatives that nada is not to have > contact with or possession of our children. We have rewritten wills. We've > done everything in my power to take our lives back. > > The economy sucks. My husband lost his job, and our little family of 5 has > been living with my husband's parents now for 10 months. Nada found out > about this, and it didn't take long for her to try to triangulate. She sent > letters in the mail full of lies and manipulations (I don't know why > won't talk to me! I just love my grandchildren and miss them! Please help me > fix this!) She calls here and they forget to check the caller ID and answer > the phone, and then say they feel uncomfortable 'lying' to her and saying > I'm not home, or give me messages from her (dramatic exaggerations like " I > just want to know my surgery went ok " when all that happened was a > routine doctors appointment and yearly exams). You all have nadas. You know > how they can twist the truth and triangulate and send flying monkeys in to > try to drag us back into their webs. > > I don't know what to do. My living situation is so out of control right now. > I've told them I don't want to talk to her, don't want her having > information about me or the kids, don't want to hear about it. My FIL thinks > he can somehow 'fix' this situation, he is a meddler in general. I don't > want nada calling, but I know I can't make her stop, because she has figured > out that if she calls here often enough, someone will eventually pick up, > and that is enough to make her fixate. I've started getting tense and jumpy > every time the phone rings. She used to call my house 6 times a day, that is > why I changed my number. Now it's happening again. > > I've thought and thought and I know there is probably no easy fix for this, > but am I missing something? Has anyone else been in a situation like this? > How did you cut nada off? How did you stay sane? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 1, 2010 Report Share Posted November 1, 2010 You are in a very tough situation!! Heres my advice - feel free to ignore it if you like! If your inlaws dont know much about your mother, they can be looking at you the same way I view one of my sisters - she refuses to talk to anyone who has ever upset her, she cuts people out of her life at the drop of a hat, and has taken out restraining orders against all previous partners for the hiddeous crime of wanting to spend time with their kids. She is irrational and rediculous. You reeeeaaly dont want to be seen like this. You have to have a family discussion with your in-laws and partner (preferably with him backing you up). Pick 3 examples of the worst abuses she did when you were a child - something they might be able to relate to, or would shock them. Avoid " she never gave me attention " or anything that people just brush off. Think of something truely hiddeous - and it can take a while to remember some of these things. Explain what BP is, that it is very difficult to treat, and that it makes her prone to voilence and abuse. Explain the examples of what she has done calmly - dont get upset. Then say that the reason you are keeping contact to nil is for your children - not because you are trying to punish your mother etc. Make it clear that you are protecting them, not yourself - why else would someone rationaly cut their mother out of their lives? Xyears of voilent psychotic episodes have taught you that this is the only way to handle it, as she will not get herself treated. Tell them you appreciate that they care enough to want to help, but that your husband and yourself need to concentrate on getting your finances/work sorted, and having her in your lives again is a massive source of stress that is not helping at this time. Subtly imply that you will get out of their hair faster if you arent busy constantly dealing with your psycho mother. You need to show yourself as being the rational one (instead of your mother, which is what she is trying to do). Make your inlaws feel appreciated for their ignorant meddling - dont make them feel wrong, or they will go into " parent knows best " mode. If that all goes well, ask them not to answer her calls anymore. If they do that, my guess is your nada will go troppo, start calling 6 times a day, and she will prove to them herself that she is a nutbag. Then they will want to bar her phone number themselves. Best of luck!! I hope your husband finds work soon so you can have your independent lives back - I think Id have a meltdown if I was in your situation, so well done for surviving as well as you are! > > I haven't written in a while. This Christmas will mark 2 years of NC from > nada. I have done my best to keep her out of our lives. We live 5 hours > away, I have changed our phone numbers, we have moved, we have told our > children's teachers and friends and relatives that nada is not to have > contact with or possession of our children. We have rewritten wills. We've > done everything in my power to take our lives back. > > The economy sucks. My husband lost his job, and our little family of 5 has > been living with my husband's parents now for 10 months. Nada found out > about this, and it didn't take long for her to try to triangulate. She sent > letters in the mail full of lies and manipulations (I don't know why > won't talk to me! I just love my grandchildren and miss them! Please help me > fix this!) She calls here and they forget to check the caller ID and answer > the phone, and then say they feel uncomfortable 'lying' to her and saying > I'm not home, or give me messages from her (dramatic exaggerations like " I > just want to know my surgery went ok " when all that happened was a > routine doctors appointment and yearly exams). You all have nadas. You know > how they can twist the truth and triangulate and send flying monkeys in to > try to drag us back into their webs. > > I don't know what to do. My living situation is so out of control right now. > I've told them I don't want to talk to her, don't want her having > information about me or the kids, don't want to hear about it. My FIL thinks > he can somehow 'fix' this situation, he is a meddler in general. I don't > want nada calling, but I know I can't make her stop, because she has figured > out that if she calls here often enough, someone will eventually pick up, > and that is enough to make her fixate. I've started getting tense and jumpy > every time the phone rings. She used to call my house 6 times a day, that is > why I changed my number. Now it's happening again. > > I've thought and thought and I know there is probably no easy fix for this, > but am I missing something? Has anyone else been in a situation like this? > How did you cut nada off? How did you stay sane? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 2, 2010 Report Share Posted November 2, 2010 Crazy150345 - I second your advice! , I'm sorry you are in this situation. I was in sort-of a similar situation this past summer, except my nada had been calling my neighbor trying to get information about me and my kids. My neighbor thought my nada " seemed so nice " and maybe she could help " fix things " . My nada would use the same exact lines that yours does with your in-laws! I finally had to have a long talk with my neighbor and explained some of the more heinous, horrific things nada had done in the past (in enough detail so that she would get the point). I explained nada's untreated BPD, showed her my collection of books on the subject, and even sent her a few links to read about BPD. And I told her very matter of fact that she could not give nada ANY information because nada was unpredictable, and based on her past behavior, I seriously feared for the safety of my kids. The horrific examples of what she had done in the past (combined with the one example of why we went NC this time), drove the point home. Now my neighbor doesn't answer the phone when my nada calls. It also helped that another friend of mine (who I've known forever) offered to talk to my neighbor as well, basically corroborating my stories. Hopefully your husband supports your decision to be NC with your nada. The two of you could sit down with his parents and thank them for letting you live with them, but let them know that your decision to be NC is one thing that is non-negotiable, and necessary for your own sanity and well-being and the safety of your family. Good luck - and I hope it works out for you, and that your DH finds a job soon (I'm looking myself, so I understand - it IS hard!) - > > > > I haven't written in a while. This Christmas will mark 2 years of NC from > > nada. I have done my best to keep her out of our lives. We live 5 hours > > away, I have changed our phone numbers, we have moved, we have told our > > children's teachers and friends and relatives that nada is not to have > > contact with or possession of our children. We have rewritten wills. We've > > done everything in my power to take our lives back. > > > > The economy sucks. My husband lost his job, and our little family of 5 has > > been living with my husband's parents now for 10 months. Nada found out > > about this, and it didn't take long for her to try to triangulate. She sent > > letters in the mail full of lies and manipulations (I don't know why > > won't talk to me! I just love my grandchildren and miss them! Please help me > > fix this!) She calls here and they forget to check the caller ID and answer > > the phone, and then say they feel uncomfortable 'lying' to her and saying > > I'm not home, or give me messages from her (dramatic exaggerations like " I > > just want to know my surgery went ok " when all that happened was a > > routine doctors appointment and yearly exams). You all have nadas. You know > > how they can twist the truth and triangulate and send flying monkeys in to > > try to drag us back into their webs. > > > > I don't know what to do. My living situation is so out of control right now. > > I've told them I don't want to talk to her, don't want her having > > information about me or the kids, don't want to hear about it. My FIL thinks > > he can somehow 'fix' this situation, he is a meddler in general. I don't > > want nada calling, but I know I can't make her stop, because she has figured > > out that if she calls here often enough, someone will eventually pick up, > > and that is enough to make her fixate. I've started getting tense and jumpy > > every time the phone rings. She used to call my house 6 times a day, that is > > why I changed my number. Now it's happening again. > > > > I've thought and thought and I know there is probably no easy fix for this, > > but am I missing something? Has anyone else been in a situation like this? > > How did you cut nada off? How did you stay sane? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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