Re: Leaving

[Guest guest]

Hi Learning, welcome,

Annie has good information for you. After 56 years, I am just learning my

dad is what Annie's described, a malignant narcissist. I've never heard

that term, but being revengeful after they have been exposed is what I'm

dealing with presently. You haven't done anything wrong. This is the result

of their disfunctional behavior. My mother started telling me she hated

me, " I was not her daughter anymore " , at such a young age, it almost became a

normal. It is NOT OK for a parent to do this, it is not " normal " , and

the revengefulness of this type of action is criminal, controlling, cruel

It is not your fault. You did nothing wrong.

God bless you,

Hugs,

Laurie

In a message dated 10/4/2010 5:08:34 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

anuria-67854@... writes:

Hi Learning,

Welcome to the Group. Yes, learning how to manage a relationship with a

severely personality-disordered parent or managing low contact or no contact

can be a very long term project.

My two cents worth is that (a) your mother probably has a lot of

narcissistic pd traits (perhaps she's even a malignant narcissist) and ( she

must

have been rather severely abusive to you if you were removed from her home.

OR © if the abuse wasn't horribly severe, but SHE chose to banish you

simply for " telling " on her and embarrassing her, then, in a way, that's even

worse (even more severely mentally ill) behavior on her part.

Your mother seems to have absolutely no remorse at all for having

mistreated you, takes no responsibility for her own abusive behaviors, and

instead

blames you for " making her look bad " , feels that you betrayed her and she

even feels justified in and determined to punish you for that forever.

(Malignant narcissists are into wreaking revenge on those who have given them

" narcissistic injury " . Scary stuff.)

I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. How horrible for you.

Nothing is quite as devastating to a child as being blatantly rejected by

their own mother. That is truly the ultimate betrayal.

I hope that through the love of your dad and boyfriend, and continuing to

work on it in therapy, and with the support of us fellow adult kids of the

personality disordered here, you can find peace and healing.

Consider the idea that you are still so strongly craving a connection with

and relationship with your mother because you accept feeling guilty for

having " betrayed " her. I suggest that the guilt you might be feeling is

misplaced and inappropriate. If you can get to a point where you can shed the

inappropriate, misplaced guilt, and instead feel the (perhaps) deeply buried

anger at having been mistreated and then rejected/banished for " telling " ,

then you can gradually feel less and less of a need to reconnect with your

mother.

I'm guessing that you want her to forgive you and accept you back, but you

did nothing to be forgiven FOR. You did nothing wrong. A young person, a

minor child is not responsible for being mistreated or abused by her parent

and should not be vilified for speaking the truth.

All the guilt, all the blame, all the abuse, all the betrayal was and is

coming from your mother. It belongs to her, all that stuff. Its not yours to

carry.

In my opinion.

-Annie

>

> I've never joined a support group before, but I just started reading

" Stop Walking On Eggshells " and thought this group would be helpful. From the

outside I look like a very together individual; I am 24 and already have a

Masters Degree. Of course my education is in Psychology and Counseling so I

could try to figure myself and my family out. But on the inside I am

hurting and many times feel like a child.

> My parents are divorced and I was raise by my mother and step-dad (and

saw my father summers). When I was a freshman in high school (around 14 or

15) my English teacher was studying to be a counselor and needed someone to

talk for an hour about a problem so she could tape in for her class. Well,

I did, the teacher got social services involved, and one day when I got out

of school my mom was there and all of my stuff was packed in the car. I

remember it was raining that day, and I ran to a friend's house and tried to

hide… I only got to say bye to 3 friends. She drove me to my father's house

(4 hours away) and left me. She didn't speak to me for years except to

write me letters telling me how evil I was and how I tried to ruin her life.

About a year ago I finally got up the courage to throw all that mail away.

She called when I was a freshman in college and for the next few years I saw

her about once a year for dinner while she was driving through to her dad's

house for Christmas. My friends always thought it was strange I had so

little contact with my mom, when they are all close with theirs. I wanted to

have a closer relationship, I longed for my mommy but she didn't give me

that option. She has lived far away, until recently she sent me a text that

she was packing. I finally got it out of her that she was moving 3 hours

away, I was so excited and hoping I could see her more, I mean I could drive up

every weekend (though I was also hurt she didn't tell me she was moving).

She then didn't talk to me for the next month. When I finally got ahold of

her I talked for awhile then asked if I would be invited to her home. She

said since I don't like her husband (who is in Iraq for the next year), that

would just be weird, so no. Again I felt very hurt and depressed. I was so

excited my mom was close, I could drive to see her, but she won't tell me

her address and doesn't want me there. Then she stopped wanting to talk on

the phone, said she could only text (which I hate) because the volume on

her cell didn't work. I asked if she had a home phone and she said she did

but was running out the door, and again never gave it to me. Again I felt

hurt, now I can't have her address or phone number, my only means of

communication is texting!? My therapist and friends all agreed I should stop

communicating with my mother for my mental health, but this is hard because she

is

still my mother. Also books I read agreed that was the best option. Plus

at this point I felt she didn't leave me much choice since she wouldn't talk

to me on the phone and I couldn't visit her and texting isn't my idea of

having a relationship. So I joined this support group because right now I

need support. My boyfriend is very supportive but he grew up in the perfect

home so he doesn't always understand how I am feeling. Friends and family

also don't quite understand being that they all have good or at least normal

relationships with their parents. So I am hoping this group will help me

heal and become healthier.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Learning,

Welcome to the Group. Yes, learning how to manage a relationship with a

severely personality-disordered parent or managing low contact or no contact can

be a very long term project.

My two cents worth is that (a) your mother probably has a lot of narcissistic pd

traits (perhaps she's even a malignant narcissist) and ( she must have been

rather severely abusive to you if you were removed from her home. OR © if the

abuse wasn't horribly severe, but SHE chose to banish you simply for " telling "

on her and embarrassing her, then, in a way, that's even worse (even more

severely mentally ill) behavior on her part.

Your mother seems to have absolutely no remorse at all for having mistreated

you, takes no responsibility for her own abusive behaviors, and instead blames

you for " making her look bad " , feels that you betrayed her and she even feels

justified in and determined to punish you for that forever. (Malignant

narcissists are into wreaking revenge on those who have given them " narcissistic

injury " . Scary stuff.)

I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. How horrible for you.

Nothing is quite as devastating to a child as being blatantly rejected by their

own mother. That is truly the ultimate betrayal.

I hope that through the love of your dad and boyfriend, and continuing to work

on it in therapy, and with the support of us fellow adult kids of the

personality disordered here, you can find peace and healing.

Consider the idea that you are still so strongly craving a connection with and

relationship with your mother because you accept feeling guilty for having

" betrayed " her. I suggest that the guilt you might be feeling is misplaced and

inappropriate. If you can get to a point where you can shed the inappropriate,

misplaced guilt, and instead feel the (perhaps) deeply buried anger at having

been mistreated and then rejected/banished for " telling " , then you can gradually

feel less and less of a need to reconnect with your mother.

I'm guessing that you want her to forgive you and accept you back, but you did

nothing to be forgiven FOR. You did nothing wrong. A young person, a minor

child is not responsible for being mistreated or abused by her parent and should

not be vilified for speaking the truth.

All the guilt, all the blame, all the abuse, all the betrayal was and is coming

from your mother. It belongs to her, all that stuff. Its not yours to carry.

In my opinion.

-Annie

>

> I've never joined a support group before, but I just started reading " Stop

Walking On Eggshells " and thought this group would be helpful. From the outside

I look like a very together individual; I am 24 and already have a Masters

Degree. Of course my education is in Psychology and Counseling so I could try

to figure myself and my family out. But on the inside I am hurting and many

times feel like a child.

> My parents are divorced and I was raise by my mother and step-dad (and saw my

father summers). When I was a freshman in high school (around 14 or 15) my

English teacher was studying to be a counselor and needed someone to talk for an

hour about a problem so she could tape in for her class. Well, I did, the

teacher got social services involved, and one day when I got out of school my

mom was there and all of my stuff was packed in the car. I remember it was

raining that day, and I ran to a friend's house and tried to hide… I only got to

say bye to 3 friends. She drove me to my father's house (4 hours away) and left

me. She didn't speak to me for years except to write me letters telling me how

evil I was and how I tried to ruin her life. About a year ago I finally got up

the courage to throw all that mail away. She called when I was a freshman in

college and for the next few years I saw her about once a year for dinner while

she was driving through to her dad's house for Christmas. My friends always

thought it was strange I had so little contact with my mom, when they are all

close with theirs. I wanted to have a closer relationship, I longed for my

mommy but she didn't give me that option. She has lived far away, until

recently she sent me a text that she was packing. I finally got it out of her

that she was moving 3 hours away, I was so excited and hoping I could see her

more, I mean I could drive up every weekend (though I was also hurt she didn't

tell me she was moving). She then didn't talk to me for the next month. When I

finally got ahold of her I talked for awhile then asked if I would be invited

to her home. She said since I don't like her husband (who is in Iraq for the

next year), that would just be weird, so no. Again I felt very hurt and

depressed. I was so excited my mom was close, I could drive to see her, but she

won't tell me her address and doesn't want me there. Then she stopped wanting

to talk on the phone, said she could only text (which I hate) because the volume

on her cell didn't work. I asked if she had a home phone and she said she did

but was running out the door, and again never gave it to me. Again I felt hurt,

now I can't have her address or phone number, my only means of communication is

texting!? My therapist and friends all agreed I should stop communicating with

my mother for my mental health, but this is hard because she is still my mother.

Also books I read agreed that was the best option. Plus at this point I felt

she didn't leave me much choice since she wouldn't talk to me on the phone and I

couldn't visit her and texting isn't my idea of having a relationship. So I

joined this support group because right now I need support. My boyfriend is

very supportive but he grew up in the perfect home so he doesn't always

understand how I am feeling. Friends and family also don't quite understand

being that they all have good or at least normal relationships with their

parents. So I am hoping this group will help me heal and become healthier.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Hon,

Welcome. Sounds like she abandoned you out of her own fear of abandonment.

I'm sorry. Welcome and hugs, girlscout

>

>

> Hi Learning, welcome,

> Annie has good information for you. After 56 years, I am just learning my

> dad is what Annie's described, a malignant narcissist. I've never heard

> that term, but being revengeful after they have been exposed is what I'm

> dealing with presently. You haven't done anything wrong. This is the result

>

> of their disfunctional behavior. My mother started telling me she hated

> me, " I was not her daughter anymore " , at such a young age, it almost became

> a

> normal. It is NOT OK for a parent to do this, it is not " normal " , and

> the revengefulness of this type of action is criminal, controlling, cruel

>

> It is not your fault. You did nothing wrong.

>

> God bless you,

> Hugs,

> Laurie

>

>

>

>

> In a message dated 10/4/2010 5:08:34 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

> anuria-67854@... <anuria-67854%40mypacks.net> writes:

>

> Hi Learning,

>

> Welcome to the Group. Yes, learning how to manage a relationship with a

> severely personality-disordered parent or managing low contact or no

> contact

> can be a very long term project.

>

> My two cents worth is that (a) your mother probably has a lot of

> narcissistic pd traits (perhaps she's even a malignant narcissist) and (

> she must

> have been rather severely abusive to you if you were removed from her home.

>

> OR © if the abuse wasn't horribly severe, but SHE chose to banish you

> simply for " telling " on her and embarrassing her, then, in a way, that's

> even

> worse (even more severely mentally ill) behavior on her part.

>

> Your mother seems to have absolutely no remorse at all for having

> mistreated you, takes no responsibility for her own abusive behaviors, and

> instead

> blames you for " making her look bad " , feels that you betrayed her and she

> even feels justified in and determined to punish you for that forever.

> (Malignant narcissists are into wreaking revenge on those who have given

> them

> " narcissistic injury " . Scary stuff.)

>

> I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. How horrible for you.

> Nothing is quite as devastating to a child as being blatantly rejected by

> their own mother. That is truly the ultimate betrayal.

>

> I hope that through the love of your dad and boyfriend, and continuing to

> work on it in therapy, and with the support of us fellow adult kids of the

> personality disordered here, you can find peace and healing.

>

> Consider the idea that you are still so strongly craving a connection with

> and relationship with your mother because you accept feeling guilty for

> having " betrayed " her. I suggest that the guilt you might be feeling is

> misplaced and inappropriate. If you can get to a point where you can shed

> the

> inappropriate, misplaced guilt, and instead feel the (perhaps) deeply

> buried

> anger at having been mistreated and then rejected/banished for " telling " ,

> then you can gradually feel less and less of a need to reconnect with your

> mother.

>

> I'm guessing that you want her to forgive you and accept you back, but you

> did nothing to be forgiven FOR. You did nothing wrong. A young person, a

> minor child is not responsible for being mistreated or abused by her parent

>

> and should not be vilified for speaking the truth.

>

> All the guilt, all the blame, all the abuse, all the betrayal was and is

> coming from your mother. It belongs to her, all that stuff. Its not yours

> to

> carry.

>

> In my opinion.

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > I've never joined a support group before, but I just started reading

> " Stop Walking On Eggshells " and thought this group would be helpful. From

> the

> outside I look like a very together individual; I am 24 and already have a

> Masters Degree. Of course my education is in Psychology and Counseling so I

>

> could try to figure myself and my family out. But on the inside I am

> hurting and many times feel like a child.

> > My parents are divorced and I was raise by my mother and step-dad (and

> saw my father summers). When I was a freshman in high school (around 14 or

> 15) my English teacher was studying to be a counselor and needed someone to

>

> talk for an hour about a problem so she could tape in for her class. Well,

> I did, the teacher got social services involved, and one day when I got out

>

> of school my mom was there and all of my stuff was packed in the car. I

> remember it was raining that day, and I ran to a friend's house and tried

> to

> hide… I only got to say bye to 3 friends. She drove me to my father's house

>

> (4 hours away) and left me. She didn't speak to me for years except to

> write me letters telling me how evil I was and how I tried to ruin her

> life.

> About a year ago I finally got up the courage to throw all that mail away.

> She called when I was a freshman in college and for the next few years I

> saw

> her about once a year for dinner while she was driving through to her dad's

>

> house for Christmas. My friends always thought it was strange I had so

> little contact with my mom, when they are all close with theirs. I wanted

> to

> have a closer relationship, I longed for my mommy but she didn't give me

> that option. She has lived far away, until recently she sent me a text that

>

> she was packing. I finally got it out of her that she was moving 3 hours

> away, I was so excited and hoping I could see her more, I mean I could

> drive up

> every weekend (though I was also hurt she didn't tell me she was moving).

> She then didn't talk to me for the next month. When I finally got ahold of

> her I talked for awhile then asked if I would be invited to her home. She

> said since I don't like her husband (who is in Iraq for the next year),

> that

> would just be weird, so no. Again I felt very hurt and depressed. I was so

> excited my mom was close, I could drive to see her, but she won't tell me

> her address and doesn't want me there. Then she stopped wanting to talk on

> the phone, said she could only text (which I hate) because the volume on

> her cell didn't work. I asked if she had a home phone and she said she did

> but was running out the door, and again never gave it to me. Again I felt

> hurt, now I can't have her address or phone number, my only means of

> communication is texting!? My therapist and friends all agreed I should

> stop

> communicating with my mother for my mental health, but this is hard because

> she is

> still my mother. Also books I read agreed that was the best option. Plus

> at this point I felt she didn't leave me much choice since she wouldn't

> talk

> to me on the phone and I couldn't visit her and texting isn't my idea of

> having a relationship. So I joined this support group because right now I

> need support. My boyfriend is very supportive but he grew up in the perfect

>

> home so he doesn't always understand how I am feeling. Friends and family

> also don't quite understand being that they all have good or at least

> normal

> relationships with their parents. So I am hoping this group will help me

> heal and become healthier.

> >

>

>