Did it...

[Guest guest]

I finally sent my BPD mother an email...and it turned out to be a little more

angry than I had originally intended. I looked over it and I usually edit emails

several times to make it diplomatic, gentle etc... but no matter how many times

I looked at it, I just couldn't bring myself to care about her feelings anymore.

I was just done putting her feelings first. So I sent it and went through the

usual warning system to my brother and the people she lashes out at to steel

themselves for some possible crazy behaviour. This was probably a month and a

half ago. She hasn't called or emailed or spoken to me since, which has been

surprising.

We did have a scare while she was out of town and people were calling ME and

leaving me messages because they couldn't get in touch with her. They sounded

frantic so of course, I immediately jumped to the conclusion that she had

followed through on the threat of killing herself. The few hours that night when

I was trying to sort out what I should do (call the cops? go to the house?) was

pretty awful. I felt such a horrid mixture of guilt, relief, apprehension,

sorrow, disappointment with myself. I started planning what I would do when they

found her body... I then found out that someone had spoken to her that night

and she was just visiting her mother in a different city. Not a fun experience.

Even then, though, I didn't want to talk to her. I don't want to open the

floodgates.

I just wish I could play cards with her and drink tea like we used to. She used

to act like a normal person when we did that. She was fun. But I don't think

it's possible to cherry pick that experience from all of the other bullshit she

brings.

I've been feeling relieved that I haven't had to put up with any of her

shenanigans and that I haven't thought about it too much. But now I'm wondering

what to do again. I so badly want my mother back - the good memories - but I

really can't handle her BPD in my life.

Something my therapist said is ringing in my ears - I'm just not going to get

what I need from her. She is not capable of being a regular mom and I would be a

fool to expect that somehow that would magically change.

I'm just feeling sad and I know you guys understand.