Re: Advice/Suggestions? Fleas everywhere . . .

[Guest guest]

I raised two sons. They get to that age and develop a lot of new behaviors as

the testosterone starts to engage. Brace yourself, there is more to come.

Here's my best advice....Do not view HIM as behaving like your mother and his

father. View your mother and his dad as behaving like a 12 year old.

If his dad is this unhealthy, I recommend taking him to counseling to address

those issues, so he can not suffer arrested development but instead learn better

life skills to serve him well later in life.

>

> I'm struggling with my 12-year-old son. Nothing major--he's getting bad

grades in two classes. He goes to a great school, which took tons of effort to

get him into. If he doesn't keep his grades up, he will be asked to leave.

>

> When I found out he was failing two classes and doing poorly in the rest, I

worked with him for 10 days, since he said he really wanted to stay in his

current school. In that time, he exhibited every single passive-aggressive,

dishonest, narcissistic, false victim, manipulative behavior that triggers the

crap out of me.

>

> ly, it's been like living with a high NP/BP these last few days. And I

have been TRIGGERED!!!! Last night, I lost it and yelled louder and harder and

longer than I ever have at him. (groan)

>

> His father, who he stays with two nights a week, is high NP/BP. Passive

Aggressive PD descriptions fit my ex to a T.

>

> So, I have realized I am over-owning his success. I need to let him fail if

he is so determined to do so. That is part of growing up.

>

> However, I'm not sure how to handle my triggers. He's acting just like my

mother and his father all rolled up into one. Which also brings the difficult

question, which I know I'm struggling with being a KO: How much of this is

normal pre-teen behavior, and how much of this is behavior that should cause

concern?

>

> Any thoughts on either question?

> Thanks--

> Blessings,

> Karla

>

[Guest guest]

Dealing with a 19 year old is far different than dealing with a 12 year old,

being that he's no longer a minor. However, if he still lives under your roof

or depends upon your financial support in any fashion, it does give you leverage

to work with.

Try this: Tell him that in light of you providing a roof, financial support

etc, that you will require him to attend 6 counseling sessions because of the

genetic behavioral problems that run in the family which have affected his young

life and you'd like him to gain a better understanding of these dynamics in

order to repeat the pattern in his own life.

If he balks at that, you throw him a bone and tell him you'll lower the required

number to 4 sessions within a 4-6 week timeframe, but that is your final

decision and it is non-negotiable. If he fails to cooperate, then your

financial support will be withdrawn and/or he will need to move out. But don't

make any such threats unless you are willing to carry them out.

If the 19 year old is self-supportive and living elsewhere, all you can do is

tell him the reasons stated above why you feel he'd benefit from counseling, ans

ask him to give it a fair chance by committing to 4-6 sessions. You have no

leverage in this case, and can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do.

All you can do is try to reason with him. Just don't nag. State your case

simple and direct, and in love and kindness, communicating your concern for his

emotional health. But once you've said it, you have to walk away and let it go.

You've planted the seeds, its up to him to take action.

I hope that helps.

> >

> > I'm struggling with my 12-year-old son. Nothing major--he's getting bad

grades in two classes. He goes to a great school, which took tons of effort to

get him into. If he doesn't keep his grades up, he will be asked to leave.

> >

> > When I found out he was failing two classes and doing poorly in the rest, I

worked with him for 10 days, since he said he really wanted to stay in his

current school. In that time, he exhibited every single passive-aggressive,

dishonest, narcissistic, false victim, manipulative behavior that triggers the

crap out of me.

> >

> > ly, it's been like living with a high NP/BP these last few days. And I

have been TRIGGERED!!!! Last night, I lost it and yelled louder and harder and

longer than I ever have at him. (groan)

> >

> > His father, who he stays with two nights a week, is high NP/BP. Passive

Aggressive PD descriptions fit my ex to a T.

> >

> > So, I have realized I am over-owning his success. I need to let him fail if

he is so determined to do so. That is part of growing up.

> >

> > However, I'm not sure how to handle my triggers. He's acting just like my

mother and his father all rolled up into one. Which also brings the difficult

question, which I know I'm struggling with being a KO: How much of this is

normal pre-teen behavior, and how much of this is behavior that should cause

concern?

> >

> > Any thoughts on either question?

> > Thanks--

> > Blessings,

> > Karla

> >

>

>

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>

>

[Guest guest]

CORRECTION:

Second paragraph last sentence should read: in order to NOT repeat the pattern

in his life.

> > >

> > > I'm struggling with my 12-year-old son. Nothing major--he's getting bad

grades in two classes. He goes to a great school, which took tons of effort to

get him into. If he doesn't keep his grades up, he will be asked to leave.

> > >

> > > When I found out he was failing two classes and doing poorly in the rest,

I worked with him for 10 days, since he said he really wanted to stay in his

current school. In that time, he exhibited every single passive-aggressive,

dishonest, narcissistic, false victim, manipulative behavior that triggers the

crap out of me.

> > >

> > > ly, it's been like living with a high NP/BP these last few days. And

I have been TRIGGERED!!!! Last night, I lost it and yelled louder and harder and

longer than I ever have at him. (groan)

> > >

> > > His father, who he stays with two nights a week, is high NP/BP. Passive

Aggressive PD descriptions fit my ex to a T.

> > >

> > > So, I have realized I am over-owning his success. I need to let him fail

if he is so determined to do so. That is part of growing up.

> > >

> > > However, I'm not sure how to handle my triggers. He's acting just like my

mother and his father all rolled up into one. Which also brings the difficult

question, which I know I'm struggling with being a KO: How much of this is

normal pre-teen behavior, and how much of this is behavior that should cause

concern?

> > >

> > > Any thoughts on either question?

> > > Thanks--

> > > Blessings,

> > > Karla

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I know what you mean; I have a 13 year old whose behavior reminds me of NP...but

I really do think it's normal teen behavior.

I think, to an extent, our kids are supposed to grow out of the selfishness,

self-absorption. BPDers, etc., got stuck in theirs and need major help being

grownups.

Good luck with your son. I know what you're going through.

>

> I'm struggling with my 12-year-old son. Nothing major--he's getting bad

grades in two classes. He goes to a great school, which took tons of effort to

get him into. If he doesn't keep his grades up, he will be asked to leave.

>

> When I found out he was failing two classes and doing poorly in the rest, I

worked with him for 10 days, since he said he really wanted to stay in his

current school. In that time, he exhibited every single passive-aggressive,

dishonest, narcissistic, false victim, manipulative behavior that triggers the

crap out of me.

>

> ly, it's been like living with a high NP/BP these last few days. And I

have been TRIGGERED!!!! Last night, I lost it and yelled louder and harder and

longer than I ever have at him. (groan)

>

> His father, who he stays with two nights a week, is high NP/BP. Passive

Aggressive PD descriptions fit my ex to a T.

>

> So, I have realized I am over-owning his success. I need to let him fail if

he is so determined to do so. That is part of growing up.

>

> However, I'm not sure how to handle my triggers. He's acting just like my

mother and his father all rolled up into one. Which also brings the difficult

question, which I know I'm struggling with being a KO: How much of this is

normal pre-teen behavior, and how much of this is behavior that should cause

concern?

>

> Any thoughts on either question?

> Thanks--

> Blessings,

> Karla

>