RE: Friends and IE/Body Acceptance

[Guest guest]

I know for myself, from bitter experience, I don't "evangelize." I just shut up and let my behavior and body do the talking..

Kunde

To: IntuitiveEating_Support From: mpmunroe@...Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2010 17:48:57 +0000Subject: Friends and IE/Body Acceptance

Hi All,So, this past Saturday I was out with a friend for the night. This is a friend that I've met recently (past three months or so) and we just kinda clicked and have been spending a fair amount of time together. We were having a good time - had a couple of drinks and then were on our way to a movie - when somehow the conversation took a turn to food, bodies, etc. I've had conversations with her before about this issue and I feel like she is very much at a place that I've been before in my life of thinking that if she was only a couple of sizes smaller life, dating, etc. would be so much easier and better. She has mentioned before that her mom is kind of judgemental in the body image department.Anyway, the conversation turned to what if we could just wish for a smaller body and she was talking about how she wished she could be a size four or something and we started speculating on this, like if I was a size 8 or 10 I would be happy with this since I'm tall anyway and it would be great to be smaller because of this that and the other thing. I initially tried to resist the idea because quite frankly, in a lot of ways I'm more satisfied with the size I am right now than I have ever been before. I tried to communicate this to her, but I feel like I somehow failed and got sucked into all of this "what if" talk. So I don't know if I've explained the situation well enough, but my question for you all is this: how do you deal with friends, relatives, whoever, who just don't understand how wonderful it is to accept yourself as you are and how most of the body image stuff that we encounter in our society is just (for a lack of a better term) a bunch of bs? I've never really felt quite as passionate about another topic as I do about IE before, and now that I have had all of these new thoughts/revelations, I just want to shout it from the roof tops. But sometimes I find that shouting it from the roof tops doesn't mean it won't fall on deaf ears. And even if people don't outright reject the ideas, they often just nod along and say "body acceptance is a good thing" but then stop short of applying it to their own situation or lives.I feel like finding IE is helping me to become more confident in certain areas than I've ever been before, but this confidence is being tested and sometimes I end up backing down. So should I be more assertive with people? Say if we're going to start having this conversation I'm not going to join in? Try to explain my point of view? And what do I do when despite everything I don't seem to be able to articulate it in a way to make people fully understand what I'm trying to say? Thanks for your thoughts,Meg

[Guest guest]

Thanks for all of your responses. I had two main thoughts in follow up:

1) In terms of evangelizing, I don't think I've been too bad about that - my

friend hasn't even heard the term " IE " out of me nor have I told her that I

think she needs to get on the bandwagon (as much as I would love her to). I try

to think about the fact that I have actually known about IE (though not

necessarily known that term) since I was a teenager and it took me until now

(ripe old age of 26) to get to the point of really understanding and believing

in it. I don't think it's something you can force. Or something that is an

inevitable conclusion to reach.

Anyway, I do have a little of an urge to evangelize (as you obviously picked up

in my fist message) though I think I've not done too badly at suppressing the

urge. From a couple of your messages, I can see that I should probably continue

to do the same.

2) I think the other issue I was trying to articulate in my first email was just

my own mixed feelings about the whole situation, and trying on the one hand to

be true to myself and confident in my beliefs about the thing, and diplomatic

about it to others on the other hand. I felt this weekend like I gave in a

little too much to playing the game. I wish I had just been able to say some of

the things that Abby wrote at the end of her response to my message and then get

on with some other subject instead of being drawn into the body bashing

conversation. I felt a little disappointed with myself that I gave in just to

please my friend.

For me, the situation brought up issues I tend to have of feeling like I have to

be very diplomatic or nice or whatever, often at the expense of really

expressing what I'm feeling or thinking. So it's an interesting thing to put

some more thought into - how to not lose my confidence in myself and my opinions

in general without overstepping other peoples' boundaries.

[Guest guest]

Meg,

Sounds like you've hit the nail on the head... that a lot of this is about the conflict between wanting to maintain apporpriate boundaries for yourself and also feeling the desire to please others. This is bigger than IE... and a struggle that many of us IE'ers face. Eating has been how we have managed that struggle in the past... perhaps now that you have taken that tool away, maybe you are being forced to confront that issue?

Just a thought.

Please believe that your boundaries, however arbitrary they may seem to others, are just as valid as anyone else's! I feel like I have only just learned this, and I'm 10 years ahead of you!

Best,

Abby

 

Thanks for all of your responses. I had two main thoughts in follow up:

1) In terms of evangelizing, I don't think I've been too bad about that - my friend hasn't even heard the term " IE " out of me nor have I told her that I think she needs to get on the bandwagon (as much as I would love her to). I try to think about the fact that I have actually known about IE (though not necessarily known that term) since I was a teenager and it took me until now (ripe old age of 26) to get to the point of really understanding and believing in it. I don't think it's something you can force. Or something that is an inevitable conclusion to reach.

Anyway, I do have a little of an urge to evangelize (as you obviously picked up in my fist message) though I think I've not done too badly at suppressing the urge. From a couple of your messages, I can see that I should probably continue to do the same.

2) I think the other issue I was trying to articulate in my first email was just my own mixed feelings about the whole situation, and trying on the one hand to be true to myself and confident in my beliefs about the thing, and diplomatic about it to others on the other hand. I felt this weekend like I gave in a little too much to playing the game. I wish I had just been able to say some of the things that Abby wrote at the end of her response to my message and then get on with some other subject instead of being drawn into the body bashing conversation. I felt a little disappointed with myself that I gave in just to please my friend.

For me, the situation brought up issues I tend to have of feeling like I have to be very diplomatic or nice or whatever, often at the expense of really expressing what I'm feeling or thinking. So it's an interesting thing to put some more thought into - how to not lose my confidence in myself and my opinions in general without overstepping other peoples' boundaries.