Re: Re: BPD mom

[Guest guest]

my mom told me i was re-killing all the people who died in the holocaust because

my old boyfriend was not jewish. she told me that they were all angry with me.

i had nightmares about that for years.

so cruel.

all i did was love someone with all my heart.

BPD mom

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> I'm new to this group. I learned of BPD about 10 years ago after reading Stop

Walking on Eggshells. The lightbulb went on for me in my relationship with my

mom.

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> Since I had my first child 8 years ago, my mom has pulled herself together and

has for the most part respected our boundaries - in order to have a relationship

with my two boys. Now 8 and 6. About a year ago everything fell apart. I had

actually thought my mom had a miracle happen as she had kept herself together

pretty well...but after some intense happenings and pressure within my two

brothers...etc, my mom lost it and I realized she had been hiding and covering

up her disorder pretty well for the past few years. She went full force into a

rage, called my best friend of 30 years and tried to accuse her of everything

being her fault, wished horrible things to come to her family...etc. She went

all out with her verbal abuse towards me like never before. I am a Christian

and have, with God's strength and help loved my mom, overlooked a lot in her,

BUT this is incredibly troubling now that our two boys are invovled.

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> With depression coming on me, and trying to take care of my husband and

family, and feeling for the first time that this cannot continue taking over my

life - my husband and I had decided a long time ago that we would break a

generational cycle of chaos and abuse in raising up our boys differently. I am

more than blessed with a wonderful husband and family. I will not allow

anything to take away one day of joy with the gifts I have been given.

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> People within my church do not have clue what I am dealing with. And think I

should " love my enemies " as the bible says. However, the fact is I do love her

very much, had much grace on her, and continue to pray for her to be saved. But

it is only something God alone can do. And a choice by my mom.

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> My mom is in misery because she wants to see my kids. I feel bad for her, but

in asking her to respect some recent boundaries and give me one month of space

to heal from hurt from her abusive tearing down in a recent email, she has

refused to give me that space. In fact, she has enrolled in the same bible

study group at my church. I took her to this 3 years ago and she got angry and

never wanted to go back. NOW, I believe in order to pull people to feel sorry

for her, and she knows I have a lot of friends there, she is " working it " in

order to stir me up.

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> We are in different small groups, but pass by each other. She came to my

small group and stood outside the door last week begging to speak with me,

sobbing because she loves me and misses me. But I know the truth that what she

really misses is my boys and deep down has great anger against me.

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> Just wondering if anyone has any input or encouragement to share regarding all

this? I am considering telling her that if she misses me so much that I can

meet her 10 minutes early at bible study and have a prayer time with her. And

that can be " our " time together. I guess, I am doing this in order to do

something for the sake of the enemy in still extending some kind of

love...because it is all I feel I can offer right now. However, I know this

won't be good enough for her...but I am also struggling with what others in this

group are going to misjudge me becasue she can make herself look helpless. And

I will look like the awful daughter.

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> She is even working it with the main lady who is in charge of this large

women's ministry at a large church.

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> Would love any support.

>

> Thanks so much!

>

> L

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[Guest guest]

when my old boyfriend's grandma died, whom I was very close with, my mom told me

that this old woman didn't really love me...that she only pretended to love me.

When I was getting dressed for the wake, she wouldn't let me wear the black

dress she bought for me. Forbid me to leave the house with it on. Made me cry

while I was grieving for this nice woman I loved sincerely.

She also told me not to go to my high school prom because girls get pregnant at

their proms...scared me pretty bad.

The list goes on and on...

amy

Re: BPD mom

Total insanity. I guess statements like these make it easy to see she is crazy.

But it still hurts.

I am sorry you had to hear such a horrible thing. There is just no excuse. It's

so low. Are they like freakin' masters at the blame game?!!

Ugh...

Coralie

[Guest guest]

Coralie...I know, I shake my head constantly.

While all my friends were getting their nails done, doing their hair and makeup

for the prom, I was hoping I could get out of the house without crying. I didn't

even wear makeup to my prom and my mom wouldn't let me put on lipstick for it.

Kind of like the mom in with Sissy Spacek!

When my old boyfriend came to pick me up, she took pictures of me, not him.

I left the house with a heavy weight on me...and did not enjoy the evening

because, even though I was a virgin, and my old boyfriend was very patient and

kind, I was scared the whole night that he would violate me because of her

threats of pregnancy.

amy

she then displayed the picture of me in my prom dress (which I borrowed) in our

living room...no boyfriend next to me.

Re: BPD mom

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> Total insanity. I guess statements like these make it easy to see she is

crazy. But it still hurts.

> I am sorry you had to hear such a horrible thing. There is just no excuse.

It's so low. Are they like freakin' masters at the blame game?!!

> Ugh...

> Coralie

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[Guest guest]

My mother always made sex embarrassing. Like once I had a boyfriend who was

waiting for me to go on a date. He was sitting on the couch talking to my mom

and she yells for me. I yell back, " I'm coming! " And she starts giggling and

makes a rude comment. So rude, in fact, I don't even want to write it let alone

think about it. She also told me inappropriate things about my father and her

sex life. Ewww.

I had to move back home (to my horror) when I was about 23 and I had been dating

a guy I loved a lot, but my sex life was none of her business. One particular

morning I woke up throwing up (seriously just a virus) and she comes plowing in

after me demanding to know if I am pregnant and how dare me be having sex and

not married and on and on. Her invasion of my privacy was really the most

unbelievable thing you can imagine. She believed she was the mother and she had

a right to know everything.

She once read my diary, which is one of the most humiliating things she ever did

to me. Not only did she read it, but she SHOWED IT TO MY FATHER. I was like

15/16, so you can only imagine. Ugh. My dad even recently said to me, " Yeah,

you were weird when you were a kid. I read all that weird stuff you wrote. " I

just wanted to fly off to the ceiling and never come down.

Re: BPD mom

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> Total insanity. I guess statements like these make it easy to see she is

crazy. But it still hurts.

> I am sorry you had to hear such a horrible thing. There is just no excuse.

It's so low. Are they like freakin' masters at the blame game?!!

> Ugh...

> Coralie

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[Guest guest]

Coralie, me too...I feel the same way.

She admitted to me that she didn't want me to grow up...and wanted to keep my

very young for as long as possible...

it's so cruel to stunt someone's growth.

When I was 19 and had the same boyfriend for 2 years, I decided that maybe I was

ready for intimacy...and I went to my mom (because she led me to believe I could

go to her and always seeking her approval) and asked about birth control. She

took away my car keys and hid them for 3 days. I couldn't go to school or

work...so insane.

I was being responsible for mysself...and she punished me for it...how many

mothers would LOVE for their daughters to be so open and honest about things!!!

amy

Re: BPD mom

Why didn't she want you to wear makeup? I am curious as to the logic of it?

What possible excuse did she use? ... that it would make you pregnant?!

I feel your pain.

There is something so isolating about having a BP mother.

You know, I think of the emotional growth we had to go through as teens, to

build confidence, self identity, the kind of things that you need to become a

strong adult...

I feel like my Mother was so scared of a lot of those " right of passage " type of

things, that she made sure *I* was so freaking scared about each one them too.

I feel like in some ways I was crippled emotionally, didn't grow quite the right

way.

[Guest guest]

my mom would tell me i looked like i had sex, that my hair looked messy like i

had been rolling around in a bed...all when i really wasn't. it was very

degrading and embarrassing. when i told her that my boyfriend was very patient

and was willing to wait for me, she accused him of having something wrong with

him...she said that men cannot wait to have sex. my boyfriend was being so sweet

and respectful...she said he had ulterior motives.

made me mistrust my feelings.

amy

Re: BPD mom

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> > Total insanity. I guess statements like these make it easy to see she is

crazy. But it still hurts.

> > I am sorry you had to hear such a horrible thing. There is just no excuse.

It's so low. Are they like freakin' masters at the blame game?!!

> > Ugh...

> > Coralie

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[Guest guest]

Coralie,

I so identify with what you're saying. I was never, never have been then or now

a flirt.

But I think my mom must have been one in her younger days because she always

accused me of being too sexual. Also looking at me differently all the time

whenever my boyfriend was around...always accusing me of having sex.

When we moved in with each other when i was in my 20's, she told me she can

never talk to me again while we were " doing it, " she couldn't look at me as an

adult, someone who a guy found attractive. She wanted me all to herself. she

told me that nobody could love me like she did...and i used to say that nobody

should love me like that.

it's now 25 years later...and she still tells me she loves me more " special "

than anyone else. i cringe when she uses the word " special, "

amy

Re: BPD mom

Hey Casey,

I am sorry you had to go through this. It sounds horrible.

My BP Mom was convinced she knew the day I lost my virginity. I remember very

well, I came home in the late afternoon from my high school BF's place, and she

looked at me strange, it freaked me out.

She said " something's different with you " , and I said " no, it's just me " and she

was like " no no, something is different " in a suspicious way.

Anything to scare me off sexuality really.

The terrible day where I finally " confessed " that I had lost my virginity, which

I had to confess in front of my Dad, when my Mom was losing it, she asked me if

it was " that " day.

I hated her so much for the way she treated me.

I said " yes " and then I remember that arrogant satisfied look on her face.

I still was a virgin at that point is what's funny.

The anger I have felt for her, and still feel toward her, is unbeliable.

I resent the humiliation so much.

A quick story...

I am a runner. I joined an amazing running club a year ago. I am so happy there,

it has been such a positive place for me there. People are just wonderful.

So anyway, the running club Coach is a former running champion, in his early

50's I'd say. He is married and he and his wife are just adorable.

They have been such a great support for me, and my running.

I won some medals last years and I showed some pictures of these " glorious

times " to both my parents. lol

My Mom's reaction: " Oh he is a black man. Be careful with black men, they love

the blondes. I see why he is suck a good coach. etc etc "

Again, my Coach is someone I respect very much.

It was way out of line, with a racist tone, and just made me sad.

I shared this anecdoct with my therapist, and she reminded me of something that

I thought you might find interesting.

She said that people who have been abused sexually tend to " oversexualize "

reality.

They see sexual contents or sexual motives where there is absolutely none.

And they project onto their kids!

Coralie