Re: BPD mom

[Guest guest]

I feel for you. I think your mother is a manipulator who is using your faith

against you. Maybe she misses control or she misses attention. If she missed you

and your children she would have valued her relationships too much to try and

turn your friend and church against you. I think your mothers doing the waif

pity ploy. I am grieved that she is trying to cause you pain. Isn't there a line

in the bible about not letting people mistreat and abuse you? I know there are a

few that could be interpreted that way.

Please excuse any typos or terseness, this message was sent from a mobile

device.

BPD mom

I'm new to this group. I learned of BPD about 10 years ago after reading Stop

Walking on Eggshells. The lightbulb went on for me in my relationship with my

mom.

Since I had my first child 8 years ago, my mom has pulled herself together and

has for the most part respected our boundaries - in order to have a relationship

with my two boys. Now 8 and 6. About a year ago everything fell apart. I had

actually thought my mom had a miracle happen as she had kept herself together

pretty well...but after some intense happenings and pressure within my two

brothers...etc, my mom lost it and I realized she had been hiding and covering

up her disorder pretty well for the past few years. She went full force into a

rage, called my best friend of 30 years and tried to accuse her of everything

being her fault, wished horrible things to come to her family...etc. She went

all out with her verbal abuse towards me like never before. I am a Christian

and have, with God's strength and help loved my mom, overlooked a lot in her,

BUT this is incredibly troubling now that our two boys are invovled.

With depression coming on me, and trying to take care of my husband and family,

and feeling for the first time that this cannot continue taking over my life -

my husband and I had decided a long time ago that we would break a generational

cycle of chaos and abuse in raising up our boys differently. I am more than

blessed with a wonderful husband and family. I will not allow anything to take

away one day of joy with the gifts I have been given.

People within my church do not have clue what I am dealing with. And think I

should " love my enemies " as the bible says. However, the fact is I do love her

very much, had much grace on her, and continue to pray for her to be saved. But

it is only something God alone can do. And a choice by my mom.

My mom is in misery because she wants to see my kids. I feel bad for her, but

in asking her to respect some recent boundaries and give me one month of space

to heal from hurt from her abusive tearing down in a recent email, she has

refused to give me that space. In fact, she has enrolled in the same bible

study group at my church. I took her to this 3 years ago and she got angry and

never wanted to go back. NOW, I believe in order to pull people to feel sorry

for her, and she knows I have a lot of friends there, she is " working it " in

order to stir me up.

We are in different small groups, but pass by each other. She came to my small

group and stood outside the door last week begging to speak with me, sobbing

because she loves me and misses me. But I know the truth that what she really

misses is my boys and deep down has great anger against me.

Just wondering if anyone has any input or encouragement to share regarding all

this? I am considering telling her that if she misses me so much that I can

meet her 10 minutes early at bible study and have a prayer time with her. And

that can be " our " time together. I guess, I am doing this in order to do

something for the sake of the enemy in still extending some kind of

love...because it is all I feel I can offer right now. However, I know this

won't be good enough for her...but I am also struggling with what others in this

group are going to misjudge me becasue she can make herself look helpless. And

I will look like the awful daughter.

She is even working it with the main lady who is in charge of this large women's

ministry at a large church.

Would love any support.

Thanks so much!

L

[Guest guest]

It feels like total manipulation, and a way for her to be in the middle of your

life, whether you like it or not.

She knows that she can hurt you, by making you look bad for people you respect.

If *you* want to see her, because there is something in there for you, then I

would tell her #1 to stop asking and begging for some time together. Tell her

you will think about it, and when YOU are ready, you will let her know a time

and place.

And then, I'd pick a place that is neutral to you, a coffee shop for example,

not your bible group. You're in control, not her.

One of the main commandments in the Bible is to love your brother as yourself.

Which means you *need* to love yourself, nurture yourself, have good self

esteem, healthy boundaries etc. to be able to really love others and be there

for them.

Coralie

>

> I feel for you. I think your mother is a manipulator who is using your faith

against you. Maybe she misses control or she misses attention. If she missed you

and your children she would have valued her relationships too much to try and

turn your friend and church against you. I think your mothers doing the waif

pity ploy. I am grieved that she is trying to cause you pain. Isn't there a line

in the bible about not letting people mistreat and abuse you? I know there are a

few that could be interpreted that way.

> Please excuse any typos or terseness, this message was sent from a mobile

device.

>

> BPD mom

>

> I'm new to this group. I learned of BPD about 10 years ago after reading Stop

Walking on Eggshells. The lightbulb went on for me in my relationship with my

mom.

>

> Since I had my first child 8 years ago, my mom has pulled herself together and

has for the most part respected our boundaries - in order to have a relationship

with my two boys. Now 8 and 6. About a year ago everything fell apart. I had

actually thought my mom had a miracle happen as she had kept herself together

pretty well...but after some intense happenings and pressure within my two

brothers...etc, my mom lost it and I realized she had been hiding and covering

up her disorder pretty well for the past few years. She went full force into a

rage, called my best friend of 30 years and tried to accuse her of everything

being her fault, wished horrible things to come to her family...etc. She went

all out with her verbal abuse towards me like never before. I am a Christian

and have, with God's strength and help loved my mom, overlooked a lot in her,

BUT this is incredibly troubling now that our two boys are invovled.

>

> With depression coming on me, and trying to take care of my husband and

family, and feeling for the first time that this cannot continue taking over my

life - my husband and I had decided a long time ago that we would break a

generational cycle of chaos and abuse in raising up our boys differently. I am

more than blessed with a wonderful husband and family. I will not allow

anything to take away one day of joy with the gifts I have been given.

>

> People within my church do not have clue what I am dealing with. And think I

should " love my enemies " as the bible says. However, the fact is I do love her

very much, had much grace on her, and continue to pray for her to be saved. But

it is only something God alone can do. And a choice by my mom.

>

> My mom is in misery because she wants to see my kids. I feel bad for her, but

in asking her to respect some recent boundaries and give me one month of space

to heal from hurt from her abusive tearing down in a recent email, she has

refused to give me that space. In fact, she has enrolled in the same bible

study group at my church. I took her to this 3 years ago and she got angry and

never wanted to go back. NOW, I believe in order to pull people to feel sorry

for her, and she knows I have a lot of friends there, she is " working it " in

order to stir me up.

>

> We are in different small groups, but pass by each other. She came to my

small group and stood outside the door last week begging to speak with me,

sobbing because she loves me and misses me. But I know the truth that what she

really misses is my boys and deep down has great anger against me.

>

> Just wondering if anyone has any input or encouragement to share regarding all

this? I am considering telling her that if she misses me so much that I can

meet her 10 minutes early at bible study and have a prayer time with her. And

that can be " our " time together. I guess, I am doing this in order to do

something for the sake of the enemy in still extending some kind of

love...because it is all I feel I can offer right now. However, I know this

won't be good enough for her...but I am also struggling with what others in this

group are going to misjudge me becasue she can make herself look helpless. And

I will look like the awful daughter.

>

> She is even working it with the main lady who is in charge of this large

women's ministry at a large church.

>

> Would love any support.

>

> Thanks so much!

>

> L

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi leah,

I concur with Coralie that your mother probably has bpd and your mother appears

to be engaging in efforts to force you into having contact with her when you

don't want to. She's playing for sympathy from your fellow congregation

members: acting like the pitiful victim when in reality her own negative,

hostile, toxic behaviors caused you to go " No Contact " with her only to protect

yourself.

Her behaviors could perhaps also be considered " spiritual abuse " since she is

attempting to recruit other members of the church you both belong to to align

themselves with her, and attempting to denigrate you to fellow church members

and destroy your good name / your good reputation within your church.

I agree that IF you want to have contact with your mother that you do so in some

neutral, public place like a restaurant, a mall, or a park, not in your church.

I further suggest that you *never* see your mother alone. Not ever again.

Always have a trusted friend or trusted relative with you as a witness. Secrecy

and deniability are powerful tools used by manipulative people (as the articles

that posted attest.) Know these tactics and be able to recognize

them. I'm willing to bet that your mother will not want to meet anywhere with

you if she knows that there will a witness right there.

You may want to check out this website:

http://www.luke173ministries.org/templates/System/default.asp?id=39548

....which was created specifically to support and help the adult daughters of

parents who engage in spiritual/religious abuse: parents who, as I put it,

" co-opt God as their hit-man " .

Best of luck to you.

-Annie

>

> It feels like total manipulation, and a way for her to be in the middle of

your life, whether you like it or not.

> She knows that she can hurt you, by making you look bad for people you

respect.

>

> If *you* want to see her, because there is something in there for you, then I

would tell her #1 to stop asking and begging for some time together. Tell her

you will think about it, and when YOU are ready, you will let her know a time

and place.

>

> And then, I'd pick a place that is neutral to you, a coffee shop for example,

not your bible group. You're in control, not her.

>

> One of the main commandments in the Bible is to love your brother as yourself.

Which means you *need* to love yourself, nurture yourself, have good self

esteem, healthy boundaries etc. to be able to really love others and be there

for them.

>

> Coralie

[Guest guest]

What a horrific and untrue thing to say to you, and its cruel at the same time.

I hope you refuse to take such things she says to you seriously any longer;

don't accept her viewpoint, don't take what she says to heart. She's saying

such things to hurt you for wanting to have your own life: they're coming from

her own fear of abandonment.

She'd rather see you alone and lonely so that you will cleave to her and assuage

her own loneliness. She's willing to sacrifice your happiness for her own.

That's pure selfish narcissism and its so wrong to cannibalize your own child's

chance at an independent, separate, joyful adult life like that.

She should be ashamed of herself for saying something like that to you.

-Annie

>

> my mom told me i was re-killing all the people who died in the holocaust

because my old boyfriend was not jewish. she told me that they were all angry

with me.

> i had nightmares about that for years.

> so cruel.

> all i did was love someone with all my heart.

>

[Guest guest]

Total insanity. I guess statements like these make it easy to see she is crazy.

But it still hurts.

I am sorry you had to hear such a horrible thing. There is just no excuse. It's

so low. Are they like freakin' masters at the blame game?!!

Ugh...

Coralie

[Guest guest]

That is just unbelievable. I am shaking my head while reading this.

On the other hand it IS believable. In the light of BP, it is believable.

My Mom has been threatened by some of the people I am attached to, she told me

one of my friend was " bad " just from the way she was looking at her, she

believed one of my best friend is a lesbian who is trying to sleep w/ her. It

seems hard for her to understand that there are just good people out there,

ready to do good things for you, out of sheer good will and sympathy.

It's so sad and angering to think we were going through that with no built in

protection yet.

I am sure your BF's grandma did really love you and maybe watches over you now.

The high school prom comment is sickening. It's a nice way to ruin what is

supposed to be a special moment in the life of a teen in America.

I remember that when I was going out with my friends to a party (not often), if

my high school BF was picking me up, she would squeeze me very hard when I was

ready to say goodbye, and would whisper in my ears " you be careful, you protect

yourself " ... that was waaay before I lost my virginity. I just remember this

huge anxiety coming up, and the feeling that I was walking to my death.

Sexuality was always something scary with her.

It's all f***ing sick, if you ask me.

Coralie

>

> when my old boyfriend's grandma died, whom I was very close with, my mom told

me that this old woman didn't really love me...that she only pretended to love

me. When I was getting dressed for the wake, she wouldn't let me wear the black

dress she bought for me. Forbid me to leave the house with it on. Made me cry

while I was grieving for this nice woman I loved sincerely.

>

>

> She also told me not to go to my high school prom because girls get pregnant

at their proms...scared me pretty bad.

>

>

> The list goes on and on...

> amy

>

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>

>

> Re: BPD mom

>

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>

>

> Total insanity. I guess statements like these make it easy to see she is

crazy. But it still hurts.

> I am sorry you had to hear such a horrible thing. There is just no excuse.

It's so low. Are they like freakin' masters at the blame game?!!

> Ugh...

> Coralie

>

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>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Why didn't she want you to wear makeup? I am curious as to the logic of it?

What possible excuse did she use? ... that it would make you pregnant?!

I feel your pain.

There is something so isolating about having a BP mother.

You know, I think of the emotional growth we had to go through as teens, to

build confidence, self identity, the kind of things that you need to become a

strong adult...

I feel like my Mother was so scared of a lot of those " right of passage " type of

things, that she made sure *I* was so freaking scared about each one them too.

I feel like in some ways I was crippled emotionally, didn't grow quite the right

way.

[Guest guest]

Wow what an evil witch. Stick to NC, I have. My nada sent me a very similar

email, it actually said I was alcoholic, drug addict, slut, me and my husband

have mental problems and that she is great, everyone loves her, I am delusional

and have no friends. Just the sort of letter every daughter hopes to receive

from their mum. It ended with 'i wish you a daughter, a daughter just like you,

I think that says it all'

The worst thing was that my dad said he had read it and I had kind of asked for

that letter, the old 'you know mum and her moods you should just apologise'

I really feel for you, I think only your mum is capable of cutting you so deeply

with words. I could never say something so horrible to anyone.

When my nada is nice I think of it like the sun shines on a golden city, I get

to sunbathe and have a dream like time, days, hours or minutes and then I am

burnt and sore and trying to escape. Over a year of NC and I finally feel the

freedom, I still worry what she is saying about me to people but the ones who

believe her crap I do not think I wanted or needed in my life anyway. My

difficulty is dad, sister and brother being LC with me over it.

Sorry to ramble on! Your post just touched me. Nadas are so cruel.

Good luck, stay strong

Free x

> >

> > Hi everyone. I just joined the group and have been reading some

> > emails. I cannot believe how similar everything sounds to my own life!

> > i am seriously fed up with my mother, and about ready to cut off

> > contact with her. i'm just running out of patience. my friends and

> > family tell me not to let her bother me, but i can't help it. i had to

> > grow up with her, and she has traumatized me. i have nightmares about

> > her, and suffer from depression. and she knows how to upset me.

> >

> > the other day i called her and she decided to bitch about and insult

> > my boyfriend of 2 years. i hung up on her, which is my policy when she

> > starts being nasty to me.

> >

> > i thought about it and decided that maybe i should give her an

> > ultimatum - she get in therapy (and stay in it!) and take some

> > medication, or i don't want to see her. (she will admit to her

> > disorder, and has been in and out of therapy my whole life. when i was

> > young, she tried some meds, but always complains they " don't work " or

> > that the side effects are too bad.) after all, i have had to take

> > anti-depressants most of my life, and i consider it worth it.

> > shouldn't she want to at least TRY? (who am i kidding?)

> >

> > i sent her an email suggesting she get help, try some new medications,

> > go back to a therapist, and she replied with a completely nonsensical

> > rant about how i'm wasting my life and that my boyfriend is a

> > pedophile and other completely uncalled for, and completely false

> > accusations about me or my boyfriend (who she seems to be obsessed

> > over for some reason)!

> >

> > excerpts:

> >

> > " u would rather go to parks and meet strange black men to fuck than go

> > to a university. Where did that get u? Lots of sexual experience, I

> > suppose. "

> >

> > " now u can spend ALL ur time giving sex lessons to your successful

> > boyfriend. "

> >

> > " I swear I don't want to hurt u, I just want u to see the light. "

> >

> > amazing, how she can claim to not want to hurt me, right in the middle

> > of an email with nasty insults!

> >

> > " Lets see how you will react when your daughter brings home a balding,

> > aging, store clerk who trys to pick up 14 year olds and who has no

> > intention of ever getting married. "

> >

> > and the kicker:

> > " Medication has nothing to do with the way I feel, nor my disorder.. I

> > am feeling better than ever. "

> >

> > oh, yeah i can tell she's doing GREAT!

> >

> > " I would need a lot of meds before I would ever like Skyler. You are

> > wasting your life and I cannot remain equanimous about it. "

> >

> > i replied, saying i didn't care if she likes him or not, i want her to

> > take medication for herself, and those that love her, like me. and

> > that yelling at me all these horrible things is not going to make me

> > " see the light " and dump him, because we are very happy together.

> >

> > she then sent me multiple emails throughout that night, none of which

> > i've replied to. when she gets like this, there's not much i can do

> > but ignore her. i guess i probably shouldn't of even bothered to ask

> > her to get help, it's not like i haven't tried that multiple times

> > before with no success.

> >

> > " Just leave me alone, now, Casey, and for good.I guess the two of u

> > are MADE 4 EACH OTHER!!

> > A perfect match!! "

> >

> > " U were a mean little girl and u are a mean adult!!

> > Good riddance!!

> > or......

> > FUCK OFF!! "

> >

> > " U are NEVER to contact me again for as long as I live! "

> >

> >

> > i don't know what to do. she has, of course, told me before things

> > like this, but always after awhile she comes back and apologizes, or

> > my father calls me and makes me apologize for some pointless thing she

> > is upset about, just so she'll leave him alone, or let him talk to me.

> >

> > as of now, i am talking to my father only in private, because when she

> > is mad at me, she will freak out at him if she sees he is not mad at

> > me as well. this is a routine me and my father have down well, ever

> > since i was young.

> >

> > i am totally sick of it. no one else in my life is this mean to me,

> > nor would i put up with it from anybody else. maybe i should take her

> > at her word this time, and remove her from my life? how can i have a

> > relationship at all with my father then?

> >

> >

> > sorry for the long rant! i guess i just really need some support. i

> > love my mom, and i feel sorry for her and understand she can't really

> > help it, but i also am tired of it. i didn't ask for her to be my

> > mother, i didn't ask for any of this, and she has hurt me so much, and

> > i'm so sick of it.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My guess is that the mother with bpd feels extremely threatened by her

daughter's growing up into a young woman, because that means that her daughter

is ready to go out into the world and begin her own separate, independent adult

life. One of the hallmark traits of borderline pd is " fear of abandonment " . So

the mother with bpd will begin to sabotage her young daughter's feelings of

self-worth, try to delay or prevent her daughter's maturation so that bpd-mom

will not be left alone.

Its just another instance in which the bpd-mom in a selfish, narcissistic way

puts her own needs and feelings above those of her child. The bpd/npd mom feels

that its OK for her to sabotage her daughter's first forays into normal

adulthood, nada is entitled to keep her daughter a child, keep her daughter at

home, with her, because her daughter is just an object that she owns.

Very sad for the maturing child who has to deal with such abnormal, soul-sucking

roadblocks to normal, healthy emotional maturity.

-Annie

>

> Why didn't she want you to wear makeup? I am curious as to the logic of it?

> What possible excuse did she use? ... that it would make you pregnant?!

> I feel your pain.

> There is something so isolating about having a BP mother.

>

> You know, I think of the emotional growth we had to go through as teens, to

build confidence, self identity, the kind of things that you need to become a

strong adult...

> I feel like my Mother was so scared of a lot of those " right of passage " type

of things, that she made sure *I* was so freaking scared about each one them

too.

> I feel like in some ways I was crippled emotionally, didn't grow quite the

right way.

>

[Guest guest]

Amy & Hummingbird,

I feel so sad to read these stories. They feel so familiar. I have tears in my

eyes.

I could never forget when my Mother wanted to " get out of me " whether or not I

had lost my virginity. She was cooking, started raising her voice, my Dad was

right there, my Brother could hear us, talk about a nice intimate setting.lol

I told her I didn't want to share this information with her, it was my private

life. She got into a rage -shocker!- it was so scary I finally told her that I

had lost my virginity -not true-, after which my father handed me my diner

plate, told me he didn't want to see me, and I was sent to my room as a f**ing

convict.

Amy, at least your Mom was honest about her selfish goals. Not wanting you to

grow up.

It is just so sad. I find comfort in knowing that I was not alone.

My heart goes to you ladies, for what you endured.

Good evening,

Coralie

[Guest guest]

OMG and the fact that they read your diary... so violating.

I have suspicions that my BP Mother did, but I never dwelt into it. It would

make sick to my stomach, so sick.

You are your own person now.

Hugs

> >

> > when my old boyfriend's grandma died, whom I was very close with, my mom

told me that this old woman didn't really love me...that she only pretended to

love me. When I was getting dressed for the wake, she wouldn't let me wear the

black dress she bought for me. Forbid me to leave the house with it on. Made me

cry while I was grieving for this nice woman I loved sincerely.

> >

> >

> > She also told me not to go to my high school prom because girls get pregnant

at their proms...scared me pretty bad.

> >

> >

> > The list goes on and on...

> > amy

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Re: BPD mom

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Total insanity. I guess statements like these make it easy to see she is

crazy. But it still hurts.

> > I am sorry you had to hear such a horrible thing. There is just no excuse.

It's so low. Are they like freakin' masters at the blame game?!!

> > Ugh...

> > Coralie

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

That is SO hard. Your church is a place you need to feel support and love from

God and others. It is sad to have that " invaded " or destroyed by someone else,

especially your own mother who should be a source of comfort.

I ended up finding a new church for this very reason. I'm not necessarily

suggesting this to you - just that we all need an outlet and support where we

can feel peace.

I have found that most people who interact with my nada do not judge me. I have

had more than one person validate my boundaries with her. But the guilt and

feelings of condemnation are overwhelming. I don't think we are supposed to get

into a lot of religious views here, but I find myself thinking of the Scripture

that says there is no fear or condemnation for them that are in Christ Jesus.

Your Judge is in heaven; even if no one else understands, God does. His

boundaries are kind, but very firm. Have you read " Wild at Heart " by

Eldridge? He talks about how strong God is and how we can see this by looking

at the wild creatures and earth He created.

[Guest guest]

My mother broke open the lock on my diary (which Id done my best to hide form

her), I shared it with my best friend, we basically wrote in it for a week, gave

it to the other and they wrote in it. There was a lot about mums violence in it,

so when she read it she did a fair impersonation of Chernobyl. How dare I tell

people how awful she was.

She ripped it to pieces, and I had the snot kicked out of me. I never had the

guts to do a diary again.

> >

> >

> > My mother always made sex embarrassing. Like once I had a boyfriend who was

waiting for me to go on a date. He was sitting on the couch talking to my mom

and she yells for me. I yell back, " I'm coming! " And she starts giggling and

makes a rude comment. So rude, in fact, I don't even want to write it let alone

think about it. She also told me inappropriate things about my father and her

sex life. Ewww.

> >

> > I had to move back home (to my horror) when I was about 23 and I had been

dating a guy I loved a lot, but my sex life was none of her business. One

particular morning I woke up throwing up (seriously just a virus) and she comes

plowing in after me demanding to know if I am pregnant and how dare me be having

sex and not married and on and on. Her invasion of my privacy was really the

most unbelievable thing you can imagine. She believed she was the mother and

she had a right to know everything.

> >

> > She once read my diary, which is one of the most humiliating things she ever

did to me. Not only did she read it, but she SHOWED IT TO MY FATHER. I was like

15/16, so you can only imagine. Ugh. My dad even recently said to me, " Yeah,

you were weird when you were a kid. I read all that weird stuff you wrote. " I

just wanted to fly off to the ceiling and never come down.

> >

[Guest guest]

If your bpd mother had stolen the property of another adult (like a neighbor,

for instance), had destroyed it, and then physically attacked the owner of said

property, your mother would very likely have been arrested and done some jail

time on criminal assault and battery charges.

Theft, destruction of personal property, and physical assault are taken very

seriously by most people, and by most judges... unless the victim is a child.

Children (apparently) don't have the same civil rights or even the same human

rights as adults, but in my opinion they ought to. I wish that children had

free and easy access to the services of / representation by lawyers on their own

behalf so that children could be more easily protected from mentally ill,

abusive parents and their human rights and civil rights acknowledged and upheld

by law.

Seems to me that even a mentally-ill, personality-disordered parent would think

twice about physically assaulting their child (or neglecting their child, or

sexually abusing their child, or exploiting their child, or emotionally abusing

their child) if they understood that their child has easy and free access to a

real lawyer at school (or at the local mall, etc.,) and their child has the

right to full legal representation by a lawyer, and the right to petition for a

" parental divorce. " Or perhaps a " court-mandated supervision and review " when

the parenting ability or techniques are in question as well as pursuing criminal

abuse charges. That right for children should be the norm, sez I.

In my own opinion, if " parental divorce " by minor children was as easily

obtainable as spousal divorce, and the " divorced " parental unit(s) still had to

pay for the " divorced " child's support outside the home, I'm willing to bet that

there would be a lot less child abuse such as you describe going on.

(I also think that substandard, dilapidated, roach-infested, fire-hazard schools

and their school district supervisors should be available for lawsuits initiated

by the children/attendees in the district for failure to provide safe, adequate,

normal-level schooling for the kids.)

What your mother did to you is horrible and qualifies as criminal assault. I'm

so sorry you had to endure that trauma.

-Annie

>

> My mother broke open the lock on my diary (which Id done my best to hide form

her), I shared it with my best friend, we basically wrote in it for a week, gave

it to the other and they wrote in it. There was a lot about mums violence in it,

so when she read it she did a fair impersonation of Chernobyl. How dare I tell

people how awful she was.

>

> She ripped it to pieces, and I had the snot kicked out of me. I never had the

guts to do a diary again.

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Annie - my nada wasnt as bad as some of the horror nutbags I hear about

in this forum, but she was bad enough.

My friend understood to a degree; although her mother wasnt BP, I think she was

bipolar or something. She used to occasionally get knives thrown at her, and get

whipped with power cord plugs off the vacuum cleaner and iron.

Its funny how Ive never really thought about it - but my best friend and her

siblings were the most scared kids I knew. If I was at their house and their

mother was coming home, they would get in a huge panic and run around

frantically cleaning floors and dishes because if there was ANYTHING out of

place they would get beaten. It must have seemed kinda normal to me at the time.

However, their mum (when not angry) was a normal, supportive, loving parent. My

mum wasnt as violent, and certainly not all the time (more unpredicatable), but

I would never even think to talk to my mother about school/boyfriends/problems

like my friend could.

It was like her mum was normal, but went overboard with discipline. Bizarre how

same yet different we had it as kids.

>

> If your bpd mother had stolen the property of another adult (like a neighbor,

for instance), had destroyed it, and then physically attacked the owner of said

property, your mother would very likely have been arrested and done some jail

time on criminal assault and battery charges.

>

> Theft, destruction of personal property, and physical assault are taken very

seriously by most people, and by most judges... unless the victim is a child.

>

> Children (apparently) don't have the same civil rights or even the same human

rights as adults, but in my opinion they ought to. I wish that children had

free and easy access to the services of / representation by lawyers on their own

behalf so that children could be more easily protected from mentally ill,

abusive parents and their human rights and civil rights acknowledged and upheld

by law.

>

> Seems to me that even a mentally-ill, personality-disordered parent would

think twice about physically assaulting their child (or neglecting their child,

or sexually abusing their child, or exploiting their child, or emotionally

abusing their child) if they understood that their child has easy and free

access to a real lawyer at school (or at the local mall, etc.,) and their child

has the right to full legal representation by a lawyer, and the right to

petition for a " parental divorce. " Or perhaps a " court-mandated supervision and

review " when the parenting ability or techniques are in question as well as

pursuing criminal abuse charges. That right for children should be the norm,

sez I.

>

> In my own opinion, if " parental divorce " by minor children was as easily

obtainable as spousal divorce, and the " divorced " parental unit(s) still had to

pay for the " divorced " child's support outside the home, I'm willing to bet that

there would be a lot less child abuse such as you describe going on.

>

> (I also think that substandard, dilapidated, roach-infested, fire-hazard

schools and their school district supervisors should be available for lawsuits

initiated by the children/attendees in the district for failure to provide safe,

adequate, normal-level schooling for the kids.)

>

> What your mother did to you is horrible and qualifies as criminal assault.

I'm so sorry you had to endure that trauma.

>

> -Annie

[Guest guest]

My nada had weird sex issues, too. I STILL get too much information from her

about her and my dad's sex life. When I was very little she pretty much told me

everything about sex, I was probably too young I think, like it was before I was

curious and she would quiz me on it to make sure I knew all about it. Besides

that she was ok about it all until I was a teenager. Then she got WEIRD. I used

to have my best friends come over and we would share a bed. (I was like 13, and

it was totally innocent.) She started freaking out that we were lesbians and

wouldn't even let them stay in the same room with me. (Only a select few were

even allowed over - basically the ones that already knew she was completely

nuts.)

Then when I started dating she was even worse. One time I was snuggling with my

boyfriend on the couch watching a movie (not even touching sexually in anyway)

and she freaked out and started yelling at us and was yelling at my boyfriend

asking how he could be such a PERVERT to put his hand me. She suddenly had all

these weird ideas about sex, like that it was a man hurting a woman, not about

love like she had told me when I was little. It was so difficult to date while

living at home I actually stopped until I moved out.

Even to this day she doesn't believe me that I didn't even have sex until I left

her house. She has some weird idea that I had sex with a stranger in my car.

She's totally CONVINCED about this, and I have no idea where she got the idea or

anything. She likes to say I told it to her, and that I'm just lying now if I

say it's not true. She's delusional.

She still asks about my sex life, and since I don't answer her (I pretty much

don't tell her anything personal, about sex or otherwise) she just makes up her

own shit and then " remembers " me telling that to her.

She also read my diary. Not just once, but many times. She'd dig around looking

for it. Then she'd yell at me about what I wrote in it (it was mostly

complaining about her making my life miserable). Once a friend stayed over and

she read HER diary. And tried to make me read it too, and tell me what it said,

because I guess it said something about me in it. I tried not to listen, because

I really didn't care what it said, it was HER PRIVATE BUSINESS. She then blamed

that friend when I tried to kill myself.

Casey

> >

> > when my old boyfriend's grandma died, whom I was very close with, my mom

told me that this old woman didn't really love me...that she only pretended to

love me. When I was getting dressed for the wake, she wouldn't let me wear the

black dress she bought for me. Forbid me to leave the house with it on. Made me

cry while I was grieving for this nice woman I loved sincerely.

> >

> >

> > She also told me not to go to my high school prom because girls get pregnant

at their proms...scared me pretty bad.

> >

> >

> > The list goes on and on...

> > amy

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Re: BPD mom

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Total insanity. I guess statements like these make it easy to see she is

crazy. But it still hurts.

> > I am sorry you had to hear such a horrible thing. There is just no excuse.

It's so low. Are they like freakin' masters at the blame game?!!

> > Ugh...

> > Coralie

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hey Casey,

I am sorry you had to go through this. It sounds horrible.

My BP Mom was convinced she knew the day I lost my virginity. I remember very

well, I came home in the late afternoon from my high school BF's place, and she

looked at me strange, it freaked me out.

She said " something's different with you " , and I said " no, it's just me " and she

was like " no no, something is different " in a suspicious way.

Anything to scare me off sexuality really.

The terrible day where I finally " confessed " that I had lost my virginity, which

I had to confess in front of my Dad, when my Mom was losing it, she asked me if

it was " that " day.

I hated her so much for the way she treated me.

I said " yes " and then I remember that arrogant satisfied look on her face.

I still was a virgin at that point is what's funny.

The anger I have felt for her, and still feel toward her, is unbeliable.

I resent the humiliation so much.

A quick story...

I am a runner. I joined an amazing running club a year ago. I am so happy there,

it has been such a positive place for me there. People are just wonderful.

So anyway, the running club Coach is a former running champion, in his early

50's I'd say. He is married and he and his wife are just adorable.

They have been such a great support for me, and my running.

I won some medals last years and I showed some pictures of these " glorious

times " to both my parents. lol

My Mom's reaction: " Oh he is a black man. Be careful with black men, they love

the blondes. I see why he is suck a good coach. etc etc "

Again, my Coach is someone I respect very much.

It was way out of line, with a racist tone, and just made me sad.

I shared this anecdoct with my therapist, and she reminded me of something that

I thought you might find interesting.

She said that people who have been abused sexually tend to " oversexualize "

reality.

They see sexual contents or sexual motives where there is absolutely none.

And they project onto their kids!

Coralie

[Guest guest]

Cassey, I'm so sorry you had to endure that kind of mental torture inflicted by

your mother RE sexual issues. The abuse has to be pretty severe for a child or

teen to attempt to kill themselves.

The behaviors you describe sound very much like paranoia, projection, and

delusional thinking on your mother's part. The general criteria for diagnosing

personality disorder include " distortions of cognition i.e., ways of perceiving

and interpreting things, people, and events, forming attitudes and images of

self and others " (which means they have trouble interpreting reality properly),

and a specific criteria for diagnosing bpd is that they tend to have " Transient,

stress-related paranoid ideation (thoughts), delusions or severe dissociative

symptoms. "

Its gut-punchingly hurtful to be accused by your own mother of saying and doing

things that you did not say or do, and then to have her not believe you and call

you a liar when you defend yourself, well, is just so damaging.

In my opinion those who are evidencing cognitive distortion and emotional

dysregulation and breaks with reality are just way too dysfunctional to be

raising kids.

I've come to the conclusion that I probably probably would have turned out much

happier and much more mentally healthy if I'd been raised in an orphanage; then

I probably wouldn't have taken any emotional and physical abuse I received so

much to heart. When the demeaning, hateful, contemptuous treatment is coming

from your own mother it has a different impact than when coming from anyone

else.

-Annie

>

> My nada had weird sex issues, too. I STILL get too much information from her

about her and my dad's sex life. When I was very little she pretty much told me

everything about sex, I was probably too young I think, like it was before I was

curious and she would quiz me on it to make sure I knew all about it. Besides

that she was ok about it all until I was a teenager. Then she got WEIRD. I used

to have my best friends come over and we would share a bed. (I was like 13, and

it was totally innocent.) She started freaking out that we were lesbians and

wouldn't even let them stay in the same room with me. (Only a select few were

even allowed over - basically the ones that already knew she was completely

nuts.)

>

> Then when I started dating she was even worse. One time I was snuggling with

my boyfriend on the couch watching a movie (not even touching sexually in

anyway) and she freaked out and started yelling at us and was yelling at my

boyfriend asking how he could be such a PERVERT to put his hand me. She suddenly

had all these weird ideas about sex, like that it was a man hurting a woman, not

about love like she had told me when I was little. It was so difficult to date

while living at home I actually stopped until I moved out.

>

> Even to this day she doesn't believe me that I didn't even have sex until I

left her house. She has some weird idea that I had sex with a stranger in my

car. She's totally CONVINCED about this, and I have no idea where she got the

idea or anything. She likes to say I told it to her, and that I'm just lying now

if I say it's not true. She's delusional.

>

> She still asks about my sex life, and since I don't answer her (I pretty much

don't tell her anything personal, about sex or otherwise) she just makes up her

own shit and then " remembers " me telling that to her.

>

> She also read my diary. Not just once, but many times. She'd dig around

looking for it. Then she'd yell at me about what I wrote in it (it was mostly

complaining about her making my life miserable). Once a friend stayed over and

she read HER diary. And tried to make me read it too, and tell me what it said,

because I guess it said something about me in it. I tried not to listen, because

I really didn't care what it said, it was HER PRIVATE BUSINESS. She then blamed

that friend when I tried to kill myself.

>

> Casey