Re: Re: Over Some 50 Years, Two Pure Moments

[Guest guest]

It makes me so sad to read this thread. Because we should have had a loving

response every time for our Mother..not these fleeting moment that in a

weird way are treasured.

My mother IS there for my Brother..she drives him crazy too..and she is

needy with him too.

But she comes to his rescue and has always treated him like he is a god.

She expects things of me and not of him. she says no to me and when my

brother makes the same request she doesn' denie him..which leads me to

wonder.

Why she chose me to hate..to be the one she wanted to hurt.. why me when I

was the one that did everything for her and took care of her like she was my

child.

On Sun, Oct 17, 2010 at 9:11 PM, crazy150345 wrote:

>

>

> I always feel sad when I know that other kids got these moments all the

> time. We got a small handful over the entire childhood.

>

> I only have one that I really really think was genuine. Any other moment

> was simply mum happy that I was making her look good.

>

> I was 21, I had just had a late miscarriage. I had to call relatives and

> friends to let them know, and most of the responses were " Oh, its for the

> best " " you were too young anyway " " well it was probably disabled/deformed/

> etc be happy nature took its course " etc, all the types of responses that

> DONT HELP!!! They just made me very upset.

> I left calling mum til last as she was the one I dreaded talking to. She

> actually got sad, and said that she was very sorry, and wished I didnt have

> to go through such an awful thing. The sincerity in her voice (the only time

> I EVER heard it) I still remember clearly today. Its one of the only good

> memories I have of her.

>

> Isnt it pathetic that this is all we get of decent memories? One of the

> most traumatic periods of my life, I got 5 minutes of a decent mother.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Walking;

I appreciate the time you took to reply to me with honest and true facts about

BPD, and you have my history mixed up with someone else’s. I'm not sure where

you got the idea from my post that nada was going to provide me with anything

normal for a mother because nada has been dead for about 9 years. My FOO has

been enjoying every moment since, no one more than my sister my father and me.

So, I’m sure you’re right when you say she can’t provide me the love,

attention and nurturing I need 'cause she's dead.

So don’t worry, you’re not raining on my parade at all and I have nothing to

be upset about but I was worried about you if you thought I might be hurt. It's

totally cool. In fact, I didn’t know I was having a parade but it sounds like

fun! I'm glad your post was to the list because it is an important message for

anyone on the fence about going NC. My FOO is NC with the two remaining BPDs in

the family, and very tragically, one of them is my daughter. NC is the only way

with BPDs, and barring that, very low contact and if possible, in US Mail

letters only - no live or " instant " personal contact.

The two moments that I described that I had with nada over 40 years ago came to

mind while reading some of the posts here about other awful things. It occured

to me that other KOs might have had one or two pure or normal-seeming moments

along the way as well. But considering the hopelessness of a cluster B

personality, you and I know well that there is more of a chance of nada changing

while dead than alive.

Say, wait a minute! That is true! When she died - she stopped being a monster!

Woo hoo!

Hugs,

Flowers

-----Original Message-----

>

>

>Flowers,

>I don't mean to rain on your parade, but the reality is, nada will never

provide you with the love, attention and nurturing you need. It's just not

possible. It's such a hard way to grow up, to not get that good response from

our primary caretakers, that we are beautiful, good, and meaningful and that we

matter. It is a deep pain, to the core of my being, in my case, to feel like I

don't matter and am not beautiful, and mostly, to not have my triumphs and

successess celebrated. I wish I had received a few more hugs growing up.

>I think you are beautiful--your choice of a name tells me that, and that you

are meaningful and a beautiful person because you are on here, and seeking a

better life and healing.

>However, I think a lot of my suffering has come from looking for nada and the

FOO to be different than they are. They are limited human beings, and very

emotionally stuck. It's just a reality.

>For me, giving up on hope that they would change is really painful but

tremendously freeing. That hope is unrealistic.

>I hope I haven't upset you too much, but this is the reality that I have found

to be true.

>I wish you the best in your healing and keep posting.

>Walked to Happiness.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hmmmm - I can't think of any.

Well, she didn't freak out at my wedding (I'm divorced now for a long time).

She left that to my crazy mother-in-law. I was extremely grateful that she

didn't freak or make a scene. But I don't think that really counts as a

connection. Just relief.

On Sun, Oct 17, 2010 at 8:42 PM, Flowers

wrote:

>

>

>

> Hi Walking;

>

> I appreciate the time you took to reply to me with honest and true facts

> about BPD, and you have my history mixed up with someone else’s. I'm not

> sure where you got the idea from my post that nada was going to provide me

> with anything normal for a mother because nada has been dead for about 9

> years. My FOO has been enjoying every moment since, no one more than my

> sister my father and me. So, I’m sure you’re right when you say she can’t

> provide me the love, attention and nurturing I need 'cause she's dead.

>

> So don’t worry, you’re not raining on my parade at all and I have nothing

> to be upset about but I was worried about you if you thought I might be

> hurt. It's totally cool. In fact, I didn’t know I was having a parade but it

> sounds like fun! I'm glad your post was to the list because it is an

> important message for anyone on the fence about going NC. My FOO is NC with

> the two remaining BPDs in the family, and very tragically, one of them is my

> daughter. NC is the only way with BPDs, and barring that, very low contact

> and if possible, in US Mail letters only - no live or " instant " personal

> contact.

>

> The two moments that I described that I had with nada over 40 years ago

> came to mind while reading some of the posts here about other awful things.

> It occured to me that other KOs might have had one or two pure or

> normal-seeming moments along the way as well. But considering the

> hopelessness of a cluster B personality, you and I know well that there is

> more of a chance of nada changing while dead than alive.

>

> Say, wait a minute! That is true! When she died - she stopped being a

> monster! Woo hoo!

>

> Hugs,

> Flowers

>

>

> -----Original Message-----

> >From: walkingto_happiness

<walkingto_happiness@...<walkingto_happiness%40yahoo.com>

> >

> >

> >Flowers,

> >I don't mean to rain on your parade, but the reality is, nada will never

> provide you with the love, attention and nurturing you need. It's just not

> possible. It's such a hard way to grow up, to not get that good response

> from our primary caretakers, that we are beautiful, good, and meaningful and

> that we matter. It is a deep pain, to the core of my being, in my case, to

> feel like I don't matter and am not beautiful, and mostly, to not have my

> triumphs and successess celebrated. I wish I had received a few more hugs

> growing up.

> >I think you are beautiful--your choice of a name tells me that, and that

> you are meaningful and a beautiful person because you are on here, and

> seeking a better life and healing.

> >However, I think a lot of my suffering has come from looking for nada and

> the FOO to be different than they are. They are limited human beings, and

> very emotionally stuck. It's just a reality.

> >For me, giving up on hope that they would change is really painful but

> tremendously freeing. That hope is unrealistic.

> >I hope I haven't upset you too much, but this is the reality that I have

> found to be true.

> >I wish you the best in your healing and keep posting.

> >Walked to Happiness.

> >

> >

>

>

>