Re: I Understand Smoking Now

[Guest guest]

Thanks Abby and Alice, for your support.

I have a very complicated relationship with my boss and my job. If I were

advising someone else in my situation, I'd probably tell them it's not worth the

stress and to find another job. But I don't find myself able to take my own

advice.

I grew up poor and I have a huge fear of going back to that. The fear was

always there, but it's been exacerbated by the current financial crisis. I've

watched my sister lose her home to foreclosure and a good friend and her husband

both lose their jobs and not be able to find another. Now they barely scrape by

on food stamps and what they can pick up from odd jobs. I know I shouldn't

watch or read the news, but when I see stories about people that have been laid

off and looking for work for years, or who are working but do not make enough to

pay the bills, it just gives me the shakes. Add to that the fact that my house

(which I thankfully love and can afford) has plummeted in value so that I

couldn't sell it if I needed to without owing the bank a lot of money, and that

doesn't help. My job is super stressful, but it's about as secure as a job can

be these days, pays well, and has great benefits. I worry about what the stress

does to me, but hey, being poor wasn't like a day at the spa, either! LOL

As for my boss, she's something of an enigma. On a personal level, I like her.

When we travel for business, I can go out with her and have a beer and have a

good time, but when it comes to work, it's another story. I'm one of five

managers that report to her and we all pretty much agree on the fact that she's

a bear to work for. The biggest issue is that she just never stops. She is the

type who never, ever puts down her blackberry. You can e-mail her any hour of

the day or night and get a reply. She has actually replied to e-mails (and not

anything critical, mind you) between strokes on the golf course and while on a

hiking/camping vacation in Hawaii! On the positive side, it's not like she's

slacker who makes us do all her work. I firmly believe she does ten times more

than any of us do. I just don't know how it's humanly possible. And the bad

thing is, she expects us all to be the same. I have fought, and lost, the

battle of being expected to check my blackberry and reply to e-mails outside of

my normal work hours, on my days off, and on vacation.

And then there are the deadlines, they come fast and furious and there's not a

lot of leeway around them. So we do what we have to do to meet them. And then

when we do, she has control issues, so she second guesses our decisions and

she's rarely satisfied with the product we give her. Sometimes its justified

because we're tired and we miss things, but sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's

just not the way she wants it, so it's not right. Either way, she has a way of

making her displeasure known that makes you feel about two inches tall and it

eats away at your self esteem and makes you doubt yourself, which then makes the

situation even worse. We're all stressed, pretty much all the time.

We've all tried to tell her, in our own way, that the stress of this job is too

much (I actually told her during my year end evaluation last year that I was so

stressed out that it was the first time in my 16 years with the company that I

didn't think I could do my job and wasn't sure that I wanted to, anymore!). But

we stop short of telling her that she's the biggest source of the stress. How

do you do that to the person that controls your paycheck?? I don't know, for

sure, that she'd take it the wrong way, but no matter how tactfully you try to

say it once that cat's out of the bag you can't put it back in.

Also, I'm not always the best judge of people. I tend to trust too easily and

think the best when I shouldn't. I tend to believe that my boss does not treat

us badly on purpose. I think that it's more a factor of her own pathological

need to be successful and that she doesn't realize how her management style

impacts us. But I have co-workers who are sure that she knows exactly what

she's doing and that she doesn't care that we're all miserable. I find that

hard to believe. It would make her a monster and I don't want to think that's

possible. But I've misjudged people terribly before so I'm not particularly

trusting of my own instincts here. So that makes me twice as wary about making

any waves.

On the bright side, though, I'm learning how NOT to treat my own staff. I can't

shield them from all the pressure she puts on me, but I do what I can. Also,

right now, I'm pretty much biding my time. There will be big changes in the

company within the next year that has a better than average chance of meaning

that I will no longer have the same boss. Most of us are just waiting to see

what will happen. But I know that if that doesn't happen, I will need to make a

decision about whether I stay or not.

For now, I know that I need to figure out how to manage the stress and how to

not let her get to me so much. I like the idea of learning to see things

differently. Just not sure how to do that. It's just another issue to add to

the list of things to work on with the therapist. And believe me, that was

discussed during the first session! LOL

All right, sorry I rambled so long. Just stuff I'm working through. I know

that job stress is a HUGE factor in my eating and something that I am trying to

figure out how to deal with.

Thanks for sticking with me through my novel-length post! LOL

Josie

>

>

>

> Subject: I Understand Smoking Now

> To: IntuitiveEating_Support

> Date: Tuesday, November 9, 2010, 11:21 AM

>

>

> In my college and grad school days, I was something of a smoker.  Never very

serious about it.  For the most part, I'd call it more of a social thing.  I.e.,

if I was at a party and others were smoking, I'd bum a cigarette from them. 

Rarely would I buy my own pack.  But every once in a while when I was really

ticked off about something, I'd find myself angrily puffing on a couple to calm

down.  But since I was never that hooked, they were expensive, and I didn't

think it was worth cancer, I stopped a long time ago and have rarely given them

a second thought. 

>

> Fast forward to today.  I'm like seriously wound up.  Just feeling really

stressed and tired.  Too much going on at work and no possibility for a break

for the next couple of weeks.  Add to it that I've been traveling for work for

the last couple of weeks, so in addition to the stress of travel and the project

I'm working on, I'm working in my hotel room at night to try to keep up with

everything that's going on in the office.  This last weekend I was supposed to

have a three day weekend, but spent two of the three days working on a report

virtually all day. 

>

> As I've mentioned before, my boss is a task master and it feels like every

message I get from her these days is about something else that I've done wrong. 

For the most part, these are valid issues, but part of the problem is that we

are just so swamped with work that little stuff falls through the cracks because

it's just not possible to keep up (she's like some sort of alien in her ability

to catch all this stuff.  I don't think she sleeps!).  I'm not the only one who

reports to her that experiences this.  Still, I hate it when I don't get things

right.  It eats at me, makes me feel incompetent, and when added to everything

else, I just feel fried.  Like I don't want to be in my own skin.  Like I can't

focus on what I'm doing. 

>

> So, oddly, the last two days, I've had the *most* overwhelming urge to have a

cigarette.  Like if there had been a drugstore nearby I seriously would have

headed in and bought a pack and huffed away.  This isn't something I've even

thought about for probably 20 years.  But for the last two days, I can't get it

out of my head.  I've been doing pretty well with eating the last two weeks

since my first visit with the therapist, so I think I'm realizing that this is

normally a time when I would have found something to eat, but since I'm not

doing that now, it has become an urge to smoke.  It reminds me of when Geneen

was on Oprah and Oprah said that people always used to ask her if she was

stressed and she always said no because she never felt stress, but she realized

through Geneen's book that she never felt stress because she'd have something to

eat at the first sign of discomfort.  I guess I've been doing that, too, without

even realizing it.

>

> All in all, I think it's a good realization, but I will say, I HATE this

feeling.  I did try to take a 10 minute break and take a little walk outside to

get some air, which helped a bit, but I'm still wired.  Made me also think of

one of the things Geneen said at her workshop, which is that if you are willing

to feel discomfort, you will be successful with IE.  If you're not, you won't. 

(that's a paraphrase) This is the discomfort that I don't want to feel and I'm

not digging it, but I know I have to work through this to get to the other

side. 

>

> Grrr....

>

> Josie

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, Josie,

I recently had to have a stand-off with my boss, and so I know how hard it is to do this sort of thing. My story is that as part of my job (I'm an editor for an academic publishing company), I write all the copy for our catalog, and my boss is the one who needs to approve it. I've worked with the company 14 years, and every year this catalog is a total stressor, because the boss is one who changes his mind a zillion times, and so I keep redoing things and redoing things, and the deadline comes and goes, and finally he says we'll just have to go with it the way it is, even though it's not what I want (he doesn't KNOW what he wants), and maybe it can be what I want next year. ARGH! It takes two months out of my time, and it's the pits! In my evaluation last year, I told my supervisor (the boss's wife) that I wanted someone else to do the catalog, that I just couldn't take it anymore. This year she told me I wouldn't have to do the catalog--someone else would do it. But fairly soon it became clear no one else has the history with the company and our product like I do, so the fallback position was that I would do the writing, but not have to meet with the boss. My best friend at work (the head of promotions) would meet with him, and she would convey to me what he wanted. But she soon got so frustrated she started trying to get me to meet with her and the boss, and I kept saying no. She got REALLY angry with me, even down to doing things like stomping around and slamming doors and giving me the cold shoulder and telling me the boss was really angry that I wouldn't meet with him, but I held firm. I met with the VP of the company (the boss's son), and told him my position. He kept trying to talk me into meeting with the boss, and I kept repeating, "This just isn't going to work for me; if I have to meet with him, it will cause me so much stress that I'll have no option but to quit, and I don't want to be forced into that position." I had to say this about five times before the VP was finally telling me he realized that meeting with the boss just wasn't an option.

So it worked. I never had to meet with the boss, and although it was stressful working this out, it wasn't as stressful as having to meet with him. It's not a perfect solution, but it got me through the period without me having to quit or eat myself silly every night.

I'm telling you all this because I wonder if there's some way you can find a less stressful way of working with your boss. If you can somehow frame it as an "it's not you, it's me" kind of thing, always stressing how you're meeting with her because you truly want to do your job better, it might give you just a little wiggle room on the stressors.

For example, you ask her if there is some way on projects that she could give you and your staff a little more guidance ahead of time, so that you'd have a better idea of what she wants. Frame it as, "We'd really like to be more efficient and not have to re-do things so often, so I'm wondering if you could meet with us ahead of time on this project and give us your vision of how it should turn out, and maybe check in with us briefly when we're part of the way done, to make sure it's going the direction you envisioned." Then you make sure to schedule a meeting with her to check in after you've done X amount of the job. At least at that point, if she's displeased, you won't have to re-do the whole thing. If she's a micro-manager, let her stick her nose in more often, then you'll have more reassurance that she'll not drop a bomb on you and your staff at a project's end.

And if she wants you to be on your Blackberry 24/7, perhaps you could tell her (something like), "Being on call all the time doesn't work well for me, because I'm afraid I'm the kind of person who refuels fastest when I have some total away-time from the job. I know that's not your style, but it's what works best for me. I'd like to offer a compromise: I have no problem checking in from time to time nights and weekends, but I'd like to counterpropose that I'll check my Blackberry only at certain set times on weekends and at night, so that you can know when I will be able to get back to you. This way you'll have access to me after work hours, but I can also make sure that when I do come to work, I'm rested enough to be at my very best. I hate making mistakes and disappointing you; I am fairly sure that if I can refuel in the way that's best for me when I'm out of the office, I'll be on my A-game more consistently when I'm in the office."

None of this is going to turn her into a mellow person, but it may be able to carve out some much-needed less stressful space for you and your staff. And she may just be the kind of person that needs to hear the same thing several times before she's convinced that you really mean it. Using the "broken record" technique, where you say pretty much the same thing over and over (thus conveying that what you say, you mean; and that you believe what you've said is good enough a reason that you don't have to come up with something else), can be an effective device with this sort of person. You may want to take a look at Herb Cohen's short but effective book, "You Can Negotiate Anything," and maybe also Pryor's "Don't Shoot the Dog," which explains how to use positive reinforcement to get behavioral changes out of even the most difficult people.

You've gotten a lot of great insights into yourself, Josie. I know it's not fun, but it sure beats the heck out of smoking or binge eating. And even though you're being forced into it (which sure feels rotten), you're learning new skills for dealing with stress, out of necessity, because you're not numbing yourself with food.

Laurie

I Understand Smoking Now

> To: IntuitiveEating_Support

> Date: Tuesday, November 9, 2010, 11:21 AM

>

>

> In my college and grad school days, I was something of a smoker. Never very serious about it. For the most part, I'd call it more of a social thing. I.e., if I was at a party and others were smoking, I'd bum a cigarette from them. Rarely would I buy my own pack. But every once in a while when I was really ticked off about something, I'd find myself angrily puffing on a couple to calm down. But since I was never that hooked, they were expensive, and I didn't think it was worth cancer, I stopped a long time ago and have rarely given them a second thought.

>

> Fast forward to today. I'm like seriously wound up. Just feeling really stressed and tired. Too much going on at work and no possibility for a break for the next couple of weeks. Add to it that I've been traveling for work for the last couple of weeks, so in addition to the stress of travel and the project I'm working on, I'm working in my hotel room at night to try to keep up with everything that's going on in the office. This last weekend I was supposed to have a three day weekend, but spent two of the three days working on a report virtually all day.

>

> As I've mentioned before, my boss is a task master and it feels like every message I get from her these days is about something else that I've done wrong. For the most part, these are valid issues, but part of the problem is that we are just so swamped with work that little stuff falls through the cracks because it's just not possible to keep up (she's like some sort of alien in her ability to catch all this stuff. I don't think she sleeps!). I'm not the only one who reports to her that experiences this. Still, I hate it when I don't get things right. It eats at me, makes me feel incompetent, and when added to everything else, I just feel fried. Like I don't want to be in my own skin. Like I can't focus on what I'm doing.

>

> So, oddly, the last two days, I've had the *most* overwhelming urge to have a cigarette. Like if there had been a drugstore nearby I seriously would have headed in and bought a pack and huffed away. This isn't something I've even thought about for probably 20 years. But for the last two days, I can't get it out of my head. I've been doing pretty well with eating the last two weeks since my first visit with the therapist, so I think I'm realizing that this is normally a time when I would have found something to eat, but since I'm not doing that now, it has become an urge to smoke. It reminds me of when Geneen was on Oprah and Oprah said that people always used to ask her if she was stressed and she always said no because she never felt stress, but she realized through Geneen's book that she never felt stress because she'd have something to eat at the first sign of discomfort. I guess I've been doing that, too, without even realizing it.

>

> All in all, I think it's a good realization, but I will say, I HATE this feeling. I did try to take a 10 minute break and take a little walk outside to get some air, which helped a bit, but I'm still wired. Made me also think of one of the things Geneen said at her workshop, which is that if you are willing to feel discomfort, you will be successful with IE. If you're not, you won't. (that's a paraphrase) This is the discomfort that I don't want to feel and I'm not digging it, but I know I have to work through this to get to the other side.

>

> Grrr....

>

> Josie

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

>

[Guest guest]

Great suggestions Laurie. The only additional thing that I've found helpful is to evaluate and recognize how "sensitive" I am being to criticism. Since a lot of my script is about pleasing others, when I fall short the stress multiplies. Now I (attempt to) recognize more that I have a history of over sensitivity and take criticism without obsessing about it and expanding it. My boss has a hard time explaining what he wants & changes course mid stream. I now try to create some type of draft of my understanding of what he's asking for and run it back by him and I'm not "hurt" at all when he says I didn't get it right. Fortunately most of my job doesn't involve daily interactions with him. To break up my scripts I tell myself things like. "This isn't about me it's about him.". It is difficult though because I sincerely want to please others almost above all.JodySent from my iPhone

Hi, Josie,

I recently had to have a stand-off with my boss, and so I know how hard it is to do this sort of thing. My story is that as part of my job (I'm an editor for an academic publishing company), I write all the copy for our catalog, and my boss is the one who needs to approve it. I've worked with the company 14 years, and every year this catalog is a total stressor, because the boss is one who changes his mind a zillion times, and so I keep redoing things and redoing things, and the deadline comes and goes, and finally he says we'll just have to go with it the way it is, even though it's not what I want (he doesn't KNOW what he wants), and maybe it can be what I want next year. ARGH! It takes two months out of my time, and it's the pits! In my evaluation last year, I told my supervisor (the boss's wife) that I wanted someone else to do the catalog, that I just couldn't take it anymore. This year she told me I wouldn't have to do the catalog--someone else would do it. But fairly soon it became clear no one else has the history with the company and our product like I do, so the fallback position was that I would do the writing, but not have to meet with the boss. My best friend at work (the head of promotions) would meet with him, and she would convey to me what he wanted. But she soon got so frustrated she started trying to get me to meet with her and the boss, and I kept saying no. She got REALLY angry with me, even down to doing things like stomping around and slamming doors and giving me the cold shoulder and telling me the boss was really angry that I wouldn't meet with him, but I held firm. I met with the VP of the company (the boss's son), and told him my position. He kept trying to talk me into meeting with the boss, and I kept repeating, "This just isn't going to work for me; if I have to meet with him, it will cause me so much stress that I'll have no option but to quit, and I don't want to be forced into that position." I had to say this about five times before the VP was finally telling me he realized that meeting with the boss just wasn't an option.

So it worked. I never had to meet with the boss, and although it was stressful working this out, it wasn't as stressful as having to meet with him. It's not a perfect solution, but it got me through the period without me having to quit or eat myself silly every night.

I'm telling you all this because I wonder if there's some way you can find a less stressful way of working with your boss. If you can somehow frame it as an "it's not you, it's me" kind of thing, always stressing how you're meeting with her because you truly want to do your job better, it might give you just a little wiggle room on the stressors.

For example, you ask her if there is some way on projects that she could give you and your staff a little more guidance ahead of time, so that you'd have a better idea of what she wants. Frame it as, "We'd really like to be more efficient and not have to re-do things so often, so I'm wondering if you could meet with us ahead of time on this project and give us your vision of how it should turn out, and maybe check in with us briefly when we're part of the way done, to make sure it's going the direction you envisioned." Then you make sure to schedule a meeting with her to check in after you've done X amount of the job. At least at that point, if she's displeased, you won't have to re-do the whole thing. If she's a micro-manager, let her stick her nose in more often, then you'll have more reassurance that she'll not drop a bomb on you and your staff at a project's end.

And if she wants you to be on your Blackberry 24/7, perhaps you could tell her (something like), "Being on call all the time doesn't work well for me, because I'm afraid I'm the kind of person who refuels fastest when I have some total away-time from the job. I know that's not your style, but it's what works best for me. I'd like to offer a compromise: I have no problem checking in from time to time nights and weekends, but I'd like to counterpropose that I'll check my Blackberry only at certain set times on weekends and at night, so that you can know when I will be able to get back to you. This way you'll have access to me after work hours, but I can also make sure that when I do come to work, I'm rested enough to be at my very best. I hate making mistakes and disappointing you; I am fairly sure that if I can refuel in the way that's best for me when I'm out of the office, I'll be on my A-game more consistently when I'm in the office."

None of this is going to turn her into a mellow person, but it may be able to carve out some much-needed less stressful space for you and your staff. And she may just be the kind of person that needs to hear the same thing several times before she's convinced that you really mean it. Using the "broken record" technique, where you say pretty much the same thing over and over (thus conveying that what you say, you mean; and that you believe what you've said is good enough a reason that you don't have to come up with something else), can be an effective device with this sort of person. You may want to take a look at Herb Cohen's short but effective book, "You Can Negotiate Anything," and maybe also Pryor's "Don't Shoot the Dog," which explains how to use positive reinforcement to get behavioral changes out of even the most difficult people.

You've gotten a lot of great insights into yourself, Josie. I know it's not fun, but it sure beats the heck out of smoking or binge eating. And even though you're being forced into it (which sure feels rotten), you're learning new skills for dealing with stress, out of necessity, because you're not numbing yourself with food.

Laurie

I Understand Smoking Now

> To: IntuitiveEating_Support

> Date: Tuesday, November 9, 2010, 11:21 AM

>

>

> In my college and grad school days, I was something of a smoker. Never very serious about it. For the most part, I'd call it more of a social thing. I.e., if I was at a party and others were smoking, I'd bum a cigarette from them. Rarely would I buy my own pack. But every once in a while when I was really ticked off about something, I'd find myself angrily puffing on a couple to calm down. But since I was never that hooked, they were expensive, and I didn't think it was worth cancer, I stopped a long time ago and have rarely given them a second thought.

>

> Fast forward to today. I'm like seriously wound up. Just feeling really stressed and tired. Too much going on at work and no possibility for a break for the next couple of weeks. Add to it that I've been traveling for work for the last couple of weeks, so in addition to the stress of travel and the project I'm working on, I'm working in my hotel room at night to try to keep up with everything that's going on in the office. This last weekend I was supposed to have a three day weekend, but spent two of the three days working on a report virtually all day.

>

> As I've mentioned before, my boss is a task master and it feels like every message I get from her these days is about something else that I've done wrong. For the most part, these are valid issues, but part of the problem is that we are just so swamped with work that little stuff falls through the cracks because it's just not possible to keep up (she's like some sort of alien in her ability to catch all this stuff. I don't think she sleeps!). I'm not the only one who reports to her that experiences this. Still, I hate it when I don't get things right. It eats at me, makes me feel incompetent, and when added to everything else, I just feel fried. Like I don't want to be in my own skin. Like I can't focus on what I'm doing.

>

> So, oddly, the last two days, I've had the *most* overwhelming urge to have a cigarette. Like if there had been a drugstore nearby I seriously would have headed in and bought a pack and huffed away. This isn't something I've even thought about for probably 20 years. But for the last two days, I can't get it out of my head. I've been doing pretty well with eating the last two weeks since my first visit with the therapist, so I think I'm realizing that this is normally a time when I would have found something to eat, but since I'm not doing that now, it has become an urge to smoke. It reminds me of when Geneen was on Oprah and Oprah said that people always used to ask her if she was stressed and she always said no because she never felt stress, but she realized through Geneen's book that she never felt stress because she'd have something to eat at the first sign of discomfort. I guess I've been doing that, too, without even realizing it.

>

> All in all, I think it's a good realization, but I will say, I HATE this feeling. I did try to take a 10 minute break and take a little walk outside to get some air, which helped a bit, but I'm still wired. Made me also think of one of the things Geneen said at her workshop, which is that if you are willing to feel discomfort, you will be successful with IE. If you're not, you won't. (that's a paraphrase) This is the discomfort that I don't want to feel and I'm not digging it, but I know I have to work through this to get to the other side.

>

> Grrr....

>

> Josie

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, Jody,

I found out how much I want to please people close to me when I had to draw that boundary I mentioned with my friend at work. It was very hard for me, but I think it's an important insight that I will cave in to friends and loved ones to keep from displeasing them. I think I got over being overly sensitive to criticism when I was doing my dissertation, where I had to take the committee's suggestions and just deal with them, or else not get my degree. A good lesson for me!

Laurie

I Understand Smoking Now

> To: IntuitiveEating_Support

> Date: Tuesday, November 9, 2010, 11:21 AM

>

>

> In my college and grad school days, I was something of a smoker. Never very serious about it. For the most part, I'd call it more of a social thing. I.e., if I was at a party and others were smoking, I'd bum a cigarette from them. Rarely would I buy my own pack. But every once in a while when I was really ticked off about something, I'd find myself angrily puffing on a couple to calm down. But since I was never that hooked, they were expensive, and I didn't think it was worth cancer, I stopped a long time ago and have rarely given them a second thought.

>

> Fast forward to today. I'm like seriously wound up. Just feeling really stressed and tired. Too much going on at work and no possibility for a break for the next couple of weeks. Add to it that I've been traveling for work for the last couple of weeks, so in addition to the stress of travel and the project I'm working on, I'm working in my hotel room at night to try to keep up with everything that's going on in the office. This last weekend I was supposed to have a three day weekend, but spent two of the three days working on a report virtually all day.

>

> As I've mentioned before, my boss is a task master and it feels like every message I get from her these days is about something else that I've done wrong. For the most part, these are valid issues, but part of the problem is that we are just so swamped with work that little stuff falls through the cracks because it's just not possible to keep up (she's like some sort of alien in her ability to catch all this stuff. I don't think she sleeps!). I'm not the only one who reports to her that experiences this. Still, I hate it when I don't get things right. It eats at me, makes me feel incompetent, and when added to everything else, I just feel fried. Like I don't want to be in my own skin. Like I can't focus on what I'm doing.

>

> So, oddly, the last two days, I've had the *most* overwhelming urge to have a cigarette. Like if there had been a drugstore nearby I seriously would have headed in and bought a pack and huffed away. This isn't something I've even thought about for probably 20 years. But for the last two days, I can't get it out of my head. I've been doing pretty well with eating the last two weeks since my first visit with the therapist, so I think I'm realizing that this is normally a time when I would have found something to eat, but since I'm not doing that now, it has become an urge to smoke. It reminds me of when Geneen was on Oprah and Oprah said that people always used to ask her if she was stressed and she always said no because she never felt stress, but she realized through Geneen's book that she never felt stress because she'd have something to eat at the first sign of discomfort. I guess I've been doing that, too, without even realizing it.

>

> All in all, I think it's a good realization, but I will say, I HATE this feeling. I did try to take a 10 minute break and take a little walk outside to get some air, which helped a bit, but I'm still wired. Made me also think of one of the things Geneen said at her workshop, which is that if you are willing to feel discomfort, you will be successful with IE. If you're not, you won't. (that's a paraphrase) This is the discomfort that I don't want to feel and I'm not digging it, but I know I have to work through this to get to the other side.

>

> Grrr....

>

> Josie

>

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[Guest guest]

Laurie,

I LOVE your examples of how you set limits at work!!! These are amazing and inspiring. I am so impressed that you held your own in that standoff, with your friend no less! I hope some day I could be that strong.

You reminded me of something my boss said recently...  she was supposed to come help for a little while because I had been working short staffed all week... and then she flaked at the last minute... because it was raining! And she didn't have a ride. (We both live in nyc and commute through rain and worse every day, without a car.) So this was totally lame.

But I noticed that when she emailed to tell me, she didn't apologize, she said " it's unfortunate that this didn't work out. "

I am a person that apologizes all the time that things that have nothing to do with me, as a short hand for " it's a shame that " . And I realized through her (annoyingly passive) email that finding other ways to phrase things without taking personal responsibility is very powerful. And Laurie, your stories are perfect examples of this! Like you saying it's a shame that you need time to recharge over the weekend. I mightve said " I'm sorry that I need to recharge over the weekend " and while that's better than saying nothing, I love that you don't really imply that there's anything wrong with your way of being! (Although the words imply that technically, the meaning is clear that when you say it's a shame, you are saying there's nothing wrong with your way of being!)

Anyway, this is a little way I've been thinking about taking up more space in my life, by apologizing a lot less. I think this tendency to take even partial responsibility for others' needs and feelings got us to eat our feelings away in the first place!

Josie, I'm like you and am trusting, maybe too much so. But when I read your post, about how you don't really think your boss is a monster, but others do... my heart hurt just a little bit for your boss because she won't get to read what you just wrote us. And I think it would do her a world of good. More than you can know. And I know that's impossible... but I still wish there was some way that you could get credit for giving her the benefit of the doubt, but also be as clear with her as you are with us how terrible it is to work for her. I'm probably unduly idealistic but I have to believe she would care.

but regardless, prioritize what takes the best care of YOU.ok, i could keep rambling on, but i'll stop!abby

Hi, Josie,

 

I recently had to have a stand-off with my boss, and so I know how hard it is to do this sort of thing. My story is that as part of my job (I'm an editor for an academic publishing company), I write all the copy for our catalog, and my boss is the one who needs to approve it. I've worked with the company 14 years, and every year this catalog is a total stressor, because the boss is one who changes his mind a zillion times, and so I keep redoing things and redoing things, and the deadline comes and goes, and finally he says we'll just have to go with it the way it is, even though it's not what I want (he doesn't KNOW what he wants), and maybe it can be what I want next year. ARGH! It takes two months out of my time, and it's the pits! In my evaluation last year, I told my supervisor (the boss's wife) that I wanted someone else to do the catalog, that I just couldn't take it anymore. This year she told me I wouldn't have to do the catalog--so meone else would do it. But fairly soon it became clear no one else has the history with the company and our product like I do, so the fallback position was that I would do the writing, but not have to meet with the boss. My best friend at work (the head of promotions) would meet with him, and she would convey to me what he wanted. But she soon got so frustrated she started trying to get me to meet with her and the boss, and I kept saying no. She got REALLY angry with me, even down to doing things like stomping around and slamming doors and giving me the cold shoulder and telling me the boss was really angry that I wouldn't meet with him, but I held firm. I met with the VP of the company (the boss's son), and told him my position. He kept trying to talk me into meeting with the boss, and I kept repeating, " This just isn't going to work for me; if I have to meet with him, it will cause me so much stress that I'll have no option but to quit, and I don't want to be fo rced into that position. " I had to say this about five times before the VP was finally telling me he realized that meeting with the boss just wasn't an option.

>  > So it worked. I never had to meet with the boss, and although it was stressful working this o...And if she wants you to be on your Blackberry 24/7, perhaps you could tell her (something like), " Being on call all the time doesn't work well for me, because I'm afraid I'm the kind of person who refuels fastest when I have some total away-time from the job. I know that's not your style, but it's what works best for me. I'd like to offer a compromise: I have no problem checking in from time to time nights and weekends, but I'd like to counterpropose that I'll check my Blackberry only at certain set times on weekends and at night, so that you can know when I will be able to get back to you. This way you'll have access to me after work hours, but I can also make sure that when I do come to work, I'm rested enough to be at my very best. I hate making mistakes and disappointing you; I am fairly sure that if I can refuel in the way that's best for me when I'm out of the office, I'll be on my A-game more consistentl y when I'm in the office. "

>  > None of this is going to turn her into a mellow person, but it may be able to carve out some ...

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