Exercising....Funny ***JOKE****

[Guest guest]

For my Birthday this year, my husband (the  dear) purchased

a week of private lessons at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape, I decided it would  be a

good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club  and made my reservations with a personal

trainer named Tony, who identified himself as a 26 year old

aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim

wear. My husband seemed  pleased with my enthusiasm to get

started.

The club  encouraged me to keep a diary to chart

my progress:

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed,

but found it was well worth it when I  arrived at the

health club to find Tony waiting for me. He is something

of a God with blonde hair, dancing eyes,   and a dazzling

white smile. (WOO HOO!)

Tony gave me a tour and showed  me the machines. He

took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was

alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to

standing next to all those rippling muscles. (I enjoyed

watching the skillful way in which he conducted his

weight training class after my own workout today.

(Very inspiring.)

Tony was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut

was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was

around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I  finally made it out

the door. Tony made me lie on my back and push a heavy

iron  bar into the air ... then he put weights on it!   My legs

were a  little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full

mile. Tony's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel

GREAT!  It's a whole new life for  me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by  laying the

toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and

forth over  it.   I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.

Driving  was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I

parked  on top of a Geo in the club lot. Tony was impatient

with me, insisting that my screams bothered the  other club

members. (His voice is a little too perky for this early in the

morning, and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that

is VERY annoying.) My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill,

so Tony put me on the stair master.   (Why in HELL would

anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered

obsolete by elevators?) Tony told me it would help me get in

shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.

Thursday:

Tony was waiting  for me with his vampire-like teeth

exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full

snarl. (I couldn't help being a half hour late. It took that

long for me to tie my fricking shoes.) Tony took me to work

out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I  ran and hid

them in the Ladies' room.  He sent Barbie to find me, then,

as punishment, put me on the rowing machine ... which I  sank.

Friday:

I hate that SUCKER Tony more than any  human being has

ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.

(Stupid, skinny, puffed-up peacock.) If there was a part of

my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat

him with it. Tony wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't

have any triceps! And if you don't want  dents in the floor,

don't hand me fricking barbells or anything that weighs more

than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist

school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from,

you Nazi Punk.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a

health and PE teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone

softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:

Tony left a message on my answering machine in his grating,

shrill voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just

hearing him made me want to smash the telephone against

the wall and I could barely summon  the strength even to use

the  TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours

of the weather channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the church van pick me up for services today, so

I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray

that  next year my husband (the  crumb) will choose a gift for

me that is  fun like a root canal or a mammogram.