New to the Group

[Guest guest]

Hi! I'm . I'm 28 years old, the mother of a 11 year old boy, an

engineering student, and a happy newlywed.

I've dealt with disordered eating since I was a kid. Unfortunately for me,

eating disorders run in my family...my grandmother died with bulimia, her son

(my father) is also bulimic, her daughter (my aunt) died with anorexia a few

years ago, and both my sister and I have been bitten by the ED bug too (although

my sis won't see treatment for it). What's even more frightening is that my son

has started showing early signs of ED. It's like a family curse.

My school dietitian recommended I read Intuitive Eating about 9 months ago while

I was on a hard core " muscle building " kick (Tom Venuto's Burn the Fat, Feed the

Muscle). Yeah, it was a secret ploy to lose weight again, but I worked hard to

fool myself into believing that it wasn't.

After reading the book I went to the kitchen and ate. For months I ate whatever

I wanted in whatever quantity I wanted to eat it. I went to the grocery store

and opened myself up to the idea that I had the money to BUY whatever I want and

EAT it. I was no longer a child being forced to eat healthy against my will. I

accepted that I was NEVER going to be deprived of the foods I truly wanted ever

again.

It was great eating macaroni and cheese, chips, chocolate, ice cream, and REAL

butter. What was even better was not beating myself up over it and feeling

guilty. I was so happy to be able to explore sugar, salt, and fat to my heart's

content. It was liberating. I refused to step on the scale the whole time; not

because I was over the weight thing, but (honestly) because I was afraid to

look.

After eating whatever I wanted for a few months (and, frankly, losing my taste

for mac 'n' cheese and processed sugar) I decided that I needed to become a

little more active. I bought a bike, started walking, and started moving. Not a

lot, but enough to begin to appreciate being out of breath, having my heart

racing, and pushing my physical limits.

So now that I've opened myself to physical activity and I'm past the fear of

deprivation I'm trying to listen to my body in regards to hunger and satiety. It

is much harder than gorging on " forbidden " foods and I'm really in need of some

guidance. I don't even have a grasp of my hunger scale. And, worse, I'm

beginning to obsess over " understanding my hunger signals " the same way I used

to obsess over food.

I really need some help. I want to rid myself of ED for good and set a proper

example for my son. I know it's a long, slow process and that's okay with me.

I've been doing the ED dance for most of life and taking another couple of years

to slowly heal my mind and body is better to me than spending another 20 years

with this disorder. I just can't do it anymore.