Unhealthy criticism vs healthy feedback

[Guest guest]

I recently joined this group after finally admitting to myself and

others my mom has BPD tendencies. It was painful to admit, tho I

suspected it for a while - but having to actually say it was hard. It

was freeing too because it helped to make sense of so much of my past. I

have appreciated reading all your stories, because I didn't understand

so many things about myself and my life, and reading your stories helps

me to make sense of things and realize others have struggled with the

exact same things - amazing! In reading things...I had many lightbulb

moments of " Oh that's why I did that " ...

One of the benefits I've found with admitting this is I've been able to

begin to cast off criticism and messages my mom told me about myself

growing up, which I now realize were her own issues she couldn't deal

with and were projected on to me because she saw me just as a small

version of her. I never actually was any of those things and I was right

for feeling crazy that it was impossible to fix them - I didn't need to

and couldn't if I wanted to! So I began thinking about the difference

between healthy feedback and unhealthy criticism. I'm learning slowly

which kind I need to accept and which kind I need to reject - even if I

need to reject it from family members and know that its OK to do that.

So here are my thoughts on the difference from my experience:

Unhealthy Criticism:

Demands perfection and is unaware and unconcerned of where a person is

at in the process towards the determined goal of perfection. Unhealthy

criticism is unyielding and will continue to push until the goal of

perfection is met. It does not notice the steps being made towards the

goal, only how far you are from it. It is demoralizing and rather than

promote growth, it promotes a feeling of futility – that no matter

how hard you try, the goal will always be out of your reach. Then you

are criticized for giving up. Its love is conditional, when the goal is

met, you are rewarded with love, adoration, and praise. At least

that's the illusion because the goal of perfection is unrealistic

and always out of reach, so the love is never attainable, nor given.

Even if the goal was reached, you'd get a " that's good

but…now we need to work on this next goal… " – being to

achieve perfection in all areas.

Healthy feedback:

Promotes growth and allows for people to be in process and accepts you

where you are at in that process. It is understanding, compassionate,

patient, warm, and inviting. It offers feedback of ourselves that will

promote us to grow and encourage us to better ourselves and be more

free. It allows that in becoming better we will make mistakes, maybe

many mistakes, but it also encourages us to learn from them and use them

as a stepping stone towards our goals – becoming who we were meant

to be. Healthy feedback can be painful, but the underlying motive is

unselfish love because it doesn't require change to ensure the

stability of that love.

Did anyone else endure unfair or unrealistic criticism - and what have

you done about it?

Thanks again to all of you brave people for sharing your stories!

missrydin