a month after nada's death

[Guest guest]

It has been a little more than a month since nada died. While I did not

expect to be doing great, I did not expect to be doing as badly as I am. I

feel like I am getting worse rather than better - I have been so emotional

and so overwhelmed and just generally not doing well.

I completely lost it on the phone yesterday with a representative from a

financial institution that was not being particularly helpful with some

paperwork I was trying to fill out to transfer my mom's account.When I got

off the phone, I could not stop crying for a really long time. And when I

was trying to go to sleep, I felt like I was suffocating and ended up going

down and talking and crying to my husband for a while. Then other times,

like so far today, I feel basically fine. These waves of sadness or anxiety

or whatever just seem to come out of nowhere and knock me down. When my Dad

died 9 years ago, I don't remember doing so badly.

I've got a lot on my plate: work, school, three kids, and now trying to

settle nada's estate and deal with her stuff. A friend said to me that it

really hasn't been that long since my mom died and that since my mom was not

straightforward in life she'd be surprised if she would be straightforward

in death. This is probably all true - I just thought I would be doing better

than I am. I was counting the days since she died because on a form I need

to fill out there is a 40 day waiting period. When I discovered that today

is 39 days since she died, I just thought - it seems so much longer than

that. It has been a tough and long 39 days.

I'm really just venting.