Re: meeting foster child's BPD mom today

[Guest guest]

On a daily, hourly basis this individual made selfish, destructive,

narcissistic, negligent, stupid choices all on her own. Nobody held a gun to

her head.

Not only in my opinion, but in the court's opinion this person is too

dysfunctional to be raising this child. The little girl is lucky to have

survived this mother's " care " at all.

Try replacing your inappropriate guilt feelings with just feeling sad for her.

Feel pity for her, but ALL the guilt is hers. Her own choices and behaviors

lost her this child. Nobody " took " anything from her, she herself is

responsible for basically tossing her child aside like a chewing gum wrapper.

No guilt, its inappropriate and misplaced.

-Annie

>

> Hey All-

>

> Today I'll be meeting our foster kid's BPD mom for the first time (assuming

she shows up, of course).

>

> I'm worried about how it will affect , our foster daughter, of course.

>

> But I'm also oddly worried about the MOM. I actually feel sort of guilty

today. 's such a great kid, and I feel like I'm stealing her somehow.

>

> I know this isn't rational - she lost her kid long before today, but I still

feel guilty.

>

> Could someone please reassure me that an extremely low-functioning BPD mom

shouldn't get the chance to raise a kid?

>

> Letty

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Annie -

I know that's all true. I just think about what I would feel to lose , who

I've only know for a few months, and imagine the mom would feel the same way

only much much worse.

Of course, if she felt about the way I do she'd have never gotten into

this mess in the first place.

I think I'm also irrationally scared that will be guilted back into living

with her again. That she'll be sucked back into her mom's destructive orbit, or

decided to live with her out of a misguided sense of pity...

I do feel bad for this woman, in spite of the harm she's wreaked on others,

since it seems a lot of her problems were caused in early childhood, most likely

from surviving warfare.

All of her bio kids are amazingly bright and high-functioning, so I have to

wonder who and what the mom COULD have been, had she not been damaged. Hence the

pity.

Pity, compassion, sadness, check. And worry about what this woman might do.

Her daughter is worried she might actually try to hit me! An odd worry, in a

way, since I'm MUCH bigger, stronger, and taller than this woman. But it speaks

to the depths of her daughter's fears, and her tendency to worry about others

rather than herself.

Letty

> >

> > Hey All-

> >

> > Today I'll be meeting our foster kid's BPD mom for the first time (assuming

she shows up, of course).

> >

> > I'm worried about how it will affect , our foster daughter, of course.

> >

> > But I'm also oddly worried about the MOM. I actually feel sort of guilty

today. 's such a great kid, and I feel like I'm stealing her somehow.

> >

> > I know this isn't rational - she lost her kid long before today, but I still

feel guilty.

> >

> > Could someone please reassure me that an extremely low-functioning BPD mom

shouldn't get the chance to raise a kid?

> >

> > Letty

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I hope the visit went well and the bio-mom was neither violent nor put on a big

play of misery to elicit sympathy from (to " FOG " ) her daughter.

I think you are correct, and if J's bio-mom were capable of feeling normal

motherly love and the compassion for J that you do, this entire situation would

not have occurred in the first place.

This is pure speculation on my part, but I'm guessing that if the bio-mom has

any interest at all in her daughter J, its more along the lines of " I want my

property back. "

-Annie

>

> Thanks Annie -

>

> I know that's all true. I just think about what I would feel to lose ,

who I've only know for a few months, and imagine the mom would feel the same way

only much much worse.

>

> Of course, if she felt about the way I do she'd have never gotten into

this mess in the first place.

>

> I think I'm also irrationally scared that will be guilted back into

living with her again. That she'll be sucked back into her mom's destructive

orbit, or decided to live with her out of a misguided sense of pity...

>

> I do feel bad for this woman, in spite of the harm she's wreaked on others,

since it seems a lot of her problems were caused in early childhood, most likely

from surviving warfare.

>

> All of her bio kids are amazingly bright and high-functioning, so I have to

wonder who and what the mom COULD have been, had she not been damaged. Hence the

pity.

>

> Pity, compassion, sadness, check. And worry about what this woman might do.

>

> Her daughter is worried she might actually try to hit me! An odd worry, in a

way, since I'm MUCH bigger, stronger, and taller than this woman. But it speaks

to the depths of her daughter's fears, and her tendency to worry about others

rather than herself.

>

> Letty

>

[Guest guest]

if you have a bpd parent it is probably the KO in you that is being triggered. I

have watched my mother respond to bpd SIL this way. Whenever those Personality

disorder vibes are in evidence the submissive overly guilty child comes out. We

were taught to submit to their craziness at all costs or pay hell for it. It is

very, very tough sometimes to understand what the right thing to do and feel is

because we never got support about what normal actions and reactions might be. I

think it's a positive that you are aware of it how you are feeling and that even

from a distance the PD vibes can put you into the FOG emotionally. You are

experiencing those leftover feelings and also the new situation of being a

protector against a bpd. I hope it doesn't cause you too much inner conflict,

it's just something that is good to be aware of.

> > >

> > > Hey All-

> > >

> > > Today I'll be meeting our foster kid's BPD mom for the first time

(assuming she shows up, of course).

> > >

> > > I'm worried about how it will affect , our foster daughter, of

course.

> > >

> > > But I'm also oddly worried about the MOM. I actually feel sort of guilty

today. 's such a great kid, and I feel like I'm stealing her somehow.

> > >

> > > I know this isn't rational - she lost her kid long before today, but I

still feel guilty.

> > >

> > > Could someone please reassure me that an extremely low-functioning BPD mom

shouldn't get the chance to raise a kid?

> > >

> > > Letty

> > >

> >

>