BPD mom

[Guest guest]

I'm new to this group. I learned of BPD about 10 years ago after reading Stop

Walking on Eggshells. The lightbulb went on for me in my relationship with my

mom.

Since I had my first child 8 years ago, my mom has pulled herself together and

has for the most part respected our boundaries - in order to have a relationship

with my two boys. Now 8 and 6. About a year ago everything fell apart. I had

actually thought my mom had a miracle happen as she had kept herself together

pretty well...but after some intense happenings and pressure within my two

brothers...etc, my mom lost it and I realized she had been hiding and covering

up her disorder pretty well for the past few years. She went full force into a

rage, called my best friend of 30 years and tried to accuse her of everything

being her fault, wished horrible things to come to her family...etc. She went

all out with her verbal abuse towards me like never before. I am a Christian

and have, with God's strength and help loved my mom, overlooked a lot in her,

BUT this is incredibly troubling now that our two boys are invovled.

With depression coming on me, and trying to take care of my husband and family,

and feeling for the first time that this cannot continue taking over my life -

my husband and I had decided a long time ago that we would break a generational

cycle of chaos and abuse in raising up our boys differently. I am more than

blessed with a wonderful husband and family. I will not allow anything to take

away one day of joy with the gifts I have been given.

People within my church do not have clue what I am dealing with. And think I

should " love my enemies " as the bible says. However, the fact is I do love her

very much, had much grace on her, and continue to pray for her to be saved. But

it is only something God alone can do. And a choice by my mom.

My mom is in misery because she wants to see my kids. I feel bad for her, but

in asking her to respect some recent boundaries and give me one month of space

to heal from hurt from her abusive tearing down in a recent email, she has

refused to give me that space. In fact, she has enrolled in the same bible

study group at my church. I took her to this 3 years ago and she got angry and

never wanted to go back. NOW, I believe in order to pull people to feel sorry

for her, and she knows I have a lot of friends there, she is " working it " in

order to stir me up.

We are in different small groups, but pass by each other. She came to my small

group and stood outside the door last week begging to speak with me, sobbing

because she loves me and misses me. But I know the truth that what she really

misses is my boys and deep down has great anger against me.

Just wondering if anyone has any input or encouragement to share regarding all

this? I am considering telling her that if she misses me so much that I can

meet her 10 minutes early at bible study and have a prayer time with her. And

that can be " our " time together. I guess, I am doing this in order to do

something for the sake of the enemy in still extending some kind of

love...because it is all I feel I can offer right now. However, I know this

won't be good enough for her...but I am also struggling with what others in this

group are going to misjudge me becasue she can make herself look helpless. And

I will look like the awful daughter.

She is even working it with the main lady who is in charge of this large women's

ministry at a large church.

Would love any support.

Thanks so much!

L