Guest guest Posted November 3, 2010 Report Share Posted November 3, 2010 What is your mental health worth? What is your relationship with your husband worth? WHAT has she given you all these years...pain...confusion (fill in the blank). Put your love and loyalty where it's deserved, respected and appreciated. Keep in mind that if you " cave " to any one of these tactics that she is employing, she will use it again and again to reel you in. > > So I've told my mom that I need space before I can spend time around her again after everything that's gone on (primarily the way she's spoken to and treated my husband). That's good. But now she's coming up with every excuse under the sun to see me. > > She's got mail for us, can I come pick it up? > She found something we left behind when we moved, can I come get it? > She'll buy me a free dinner/lunch/tea/whatever if we go out to chat. > There's a sale on photofinishing at Costco, can she print some of my pics for me? > My dad is feeling depressed because I'm not talking to them. > > That last one - her most recent effort - almost got to me. I really love my dad even if he's the King of Denial and I really hate feeling depressed, so I wouldn't wish it on him. But I just don't know what to say to people who insist that I should pretend everything is normal when it's so clearly not, and I'm scared that I'll get sucked in and start feeling guilty for ever believing there was something wrong with my mother EVEN THOUGH THERE IS. That's how it always goes. > > I know this is a boundaries thing and I need to stick to my guns, but it's annoying and a little bit tough to be subjected to such a constant barrage. I guess that's the strategy. I'm sure at least some of you guys have been there. How did you deal with the guilt? What did you do to keep your resolve strong and not lose faith that you were doing the right thing? > > Psyclone > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 3, 2010 Report Share Posted November 3, 2010 Sounds familiar! I am in month 17 of NC with Nada, once she had finished with sending me abusive hurtful vile emails she started with the sms, there is a new cafe I know you will love/come and visit for a family party etc and when those were ignored she said that my Dad had started crying in front of a stranger because of me and my behavior...I almost fell for that one too. The only way I stopped it was by calling my Dad and telling him that I have no interest in hearing from Nada by phone or email and would appreciate it if he could respect that and make it clear to her. This seems to have worked for the last couple of months but Christmas is coming and so I am sure she will do something soon. All we can do is grow strong and concentrate on our own life and spend time and energy on people we love rather than negative beings with ulterior motives. My Nada bad mouthed my husband who doesn't have a mean bone in his body. Every day I look at my husband and I am thankful, the happier I was the more difficult Nada tried to make my life and now I appreciate the crap he took from her because he loves me. I always felt duty bound to take it from her but once she dragged him into it that was it for me. My survival technique so far has been stick to your boundaries, stay strong, keep healthy with exercise and by surrounding yourself with good friends and invest time in family members who support you. Free x > > So I've told my mom that I need space before I can spend time around her again after everything that's gone on (primarily the way she's spoken to and treated my husband). That's good. But now she's coming up with every excuse under the sun to see me. > > She's got mail for us, can I come pick it up? > She found something we left behind when we moved, can I come get it? > She'll buy me a free dinner/lunch/tea/whatever if we go out to chat. > There's a sale on photofinishing at Costco, can she print some of my pics for me? > My dad is feeling depressed because I'm not talking to them. > > That last one - her most recent effort - almost got to me. I really love my dad even if he's the King of Denial and I really hate feeling depressed, so I wouldn't wish it on him. But I just don't know what to say to people who insist that I should pretend everything is normal when it's so clearly not, and I'm scared that I'll get sucked in and start feeling guilty for ever believing there was something wrong with my mother EVEN THOUGH THERE IS. That's how it always goes. > > I know this is a boundaries thing and I need to stick to my guns, but it's annoying and a little bit tough to be subjected to such a constant barrage. I guess that's the strategy. I'm sure at least some of you guys have been there. How did you deal with the guilt? What did you do to keep your resolve strong and not lose faith that you were doing the right thing? > > Psyclone > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 3, 2010 Report Share Posted November 3, 2010 That reminds me of something my SO's nephew said to me the other day. He is not a bad kid (5 years old) just very intelligent and knows that everyone thinks he is the golden child, and he can get whatever he wants if he is devious enough (or screams enough). Needless to say, this kid triggers me up to the yingyang, and I make a point of setting very clear limits with him, and I stick to them. He greeted me the other day as we walked in for a visit, with a cuddle and kiss, and said in a syrupy voice " I like you today " , which is his way of trying to con me into ignoring his bad behaviour later in the day. He plans these things in advance (if he knows you have something in your house that he wants but isnt allowed to have, he will bring you flowers or tell you that you look pretty as a bribe)- he knows Im one of the few people who insists on good behaviour, tanrums have proved not to work, so recently its the sugary " Im so sweet you have to let me get away with things " . When I dont give in, he gives you the most evil look Ive seen on anyone besides my nada. Im really hoping he grows out of it!! You mother is doing the same thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 3, 2010 Report Share Posted November 3, 2010 Thanks Freegle! Your story reminded me of something I've known for a while but had trouble remembering: Mommie Dearest has absolutely no problem lying (or at best " misremembering " history) to get what she wants. There've been tons of times when she's said " Your father agrees with me " and when I ask him about it, he says he never said any such thing. I don't know how he keeps patience with being misrepresented all the time - or maybe a better way of putting it is that I don't know how he acts as if it's okay when it's so not. He's often said, " The Vatican is looking to make me a saint " , but there's nothing saintly about letting people use you to abuse somebody else. Psyclone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 3, 2010 Report Share Posted November 3, 2010 I think that if this little 5-year-old's parents think that those behaviors of his are " cute " and if they are encouraging him to behave that way (or even rewarding him for behaving that way) then they're doing their child a real disservice. Teaching a child to be a con artist and a manipulator, teaching him to expect to be given whatever he wants if he pitches a screaming tantrum is actually a form of emotional abuse. Depending on other factors, it could even turn him into a narcissistic bully. Its not that different from teaching and rewarding a little girl to mimic sexual/seductive/exhibitionist behaviors because its " cute " ; its not cute or appropriate and its a form of corrupting and exploiting the child. Your good influence (not encouraging him to behave that way, not buying into his babyish attempts to manipulate you) will be a benefit to the child, if you get to spend much time around him. In my opinion. -Annie > > That reminds me of something my SO's nephew said to me the other day. He is not a bad kid (5 years old) just very intelligent and knows that everyone thinks he is the golden child, and he can get whatever he wants if he is devious enough (or screams enough). Needless to say, this kid triggers me up to the yingyang, and I make a point of setting very clear limits with him, and I stick to them. > > He greeted me the other day as we walked in for a visit, with a cuddle and kiss, and said in a syrupy voice " I like you today " , which is his way of trying to con me into ignoring his bad behaviour later in the day. He plans these things in advance (if he knows you have something in your house that he wants but isnt allowed to have, he will bring you flowers or tell you that you look pretty as a bribe)- he knows Im one of the few people who insists on good behaviour, tanrums have proved not to work, so recently its the sugary " Im so sweet you have to let me get away with things " . When I dont give in, he gives you the most evil look Ive seen on anyone besides my nada. Im really hoping he grows out of it!! > > You mother is doing the same thing. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 3, 2010 Report Share Posted November 3, 2010 He definitely is very manipulative, simply because he has been inadvertantly trained to be. At the moment it is all excused under the " but he is only 4/5/6... " and Im hoping at some point they will decide he is old enough not to be pandered to in such ways. Keeping boundaries makes me the " mean aunty " so far, I hope he will get better as he gets older and he can be reasoned with more. I am worried that he will turn into a bullying little Nepoleon, but I have known lots of " nasty " little kiddies who turned out fine in the end, so who knows? Nothing I can do but try to be a good influence I guess! I think I find it so hard to stnad being around him because he reminds me so much of mum - the " its all about me " attitude. Makes me so mad! > > I think that if this little 5-year-old's parents think that those behaviors of his are " cute " and if they are encouraging him to behave that way (or even rewarding him for behaving that way) then they're doing their child a real disservice. Teaching a child to be a con artist and a manipulator, teaching him to expect to be given whatever he wants if he pitches a screaming tantrum is actually a form of emotional abuse. Depending on other factors, it could even turn him into a narcissistic bully. > > Its not that different from teaching and rewarding a little girl to mimic sexual/seductive/exhibitionist behaviors because its " cute " ; its not cute or appropriate and its a form of corrupting and exploiting the child. > > Your good influence (not encouraging him to behave that way, not buying into his babyish attempts to manipulate you) will be a benefit to the child, if you get to spend much time around him. > > In my opinion. > > -Annie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 4, 2010 Report Share Posted November 4, 2010 I'm pretty sure (correct me if I'm off here, those of you who've raised kids) that the tantrum-pitching phase is more common at the 20-month to 3-year-old range of emotional development, so if he's still doing that at 5 or 6 it should be of concern to his parents. But like you said, hopefully he will grow out of it on his own. The little guy will very likely run into a brick wall of intolerance for that kind of behavior in first grade, unfortunately for him. I agree with you; it has seemed to me for a while now that the emotional dysregulation & narcissistic aspects of bpd are a lot like dealing with a very small child (a preschooler) walking around in the body of an adult, which makes him or her, in effect, " emotionally retarded. " Me-me-me, mine-mine-mine, I want it NOW, you HATE me, I hate YOU, I WANT IT, SCREEEEEEECH!! Yep. Being around that sort of thing is triggering for me too, whether its coming from a real toddler or an " adult toddler. " -Annie > > > > I think that if this little 5-year-old's parents think that those behaviors of his are " cute " and if they are encouraging him to behave that way (or even rewarding him for behaving that way) then they're doing their child a real disservice. Teaching a child to be a con artist and a manipulator, teaching him to expect to be given whatever he wants if he pitches a screaming tantrum is actually a form of emotional abuse. Depending on other factors, it could even turn him into a narcissistic bully. > > > > Its not that different from teaching and rewarding a little girl to mimic sexual/seductive/exhibitionist behaviors because its " cute " ; its not cute or appropriate and its a form of corrupting and exploiting the child. > > > > Your good influence (not encouraging him to behave that way, not buying into his babyish attempts to manipulate you) will be a benefit to the child, if you get to spend much time around him. > > > > In my opinion. > > > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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