I'm new and this is my story.

[Guest guest]

Hello everyone,

My name is Carla and this is my first post. Here's a bit about me:

I grew up constantly in hospitals because of a heart problem I have, and was

constantly attending dietician meetings. I was forced into following the low-fat

everything diet that the medical community was pushing at the time. My brother,

sister and father had the same condition as I did, so my mother was vigilant in

controlling our diets with what I now realize were 'fake' foods.

Because of experimental medication in my childhood, I hit puberty quite late

which made me develop a hateful view of my body. I was an adult in my mind but

not physically caught up to my peers. When I finally did start to develop, it

hurt when my younger, perfect, more beautiful sister beat me to the punch. I was

always horrible at gym class and gave up on all my dance classes, sporting

events. I ended up becoming quite obese as a child. The mantra I was taught was,

'eat as much healthy stuff as you like because it's healthy!'

My mother binged, even though I couldn't tell if she knew that's what it was. I

don't know if she hid food because of us and not wanting us to eat it, or if it

was because she was ashamed of her secret habit. At night she would make herself

giant bowls of custard or she would consume all the marshmallows out of the

Lucky Charms box. During the rest of the day she was very healthy and always

made us nutritious meals, but alongside the binging she was constantly on one

diet or another. My father didn't help matters as he made comments about women

and their weight in front of me on a regular basis. In my mind, thin, starving

and weak equalled woman.

My family was heavily religious and one day a woman came to our church talking

about the Weigh Down Workshop. For those who aren't familiar with it, it's

similar in principle to Intuitive Eating, but it features a major theme of

turning to God when your emotional eating starts to emerge. I never did

understand this diet and to this day think that your religion shouldn't be tied

to your waistline. But it did give me a peek into the 'only when you're hungry,

stop when you're full' mentality.

I started rebelling when I moved out and lived on my own during college. I loved

eating and went through a phase of having all the things I was never allowed to

before. I baked banana bread for my dorm, I watched Nigella Lawson make brownies

and then made them with her. I ate real butter and whole milk lattes. It was

brilliant. The funny thing about that period is that I lost a lot of weight. I

wasn't eating healthfully, but I was enjoying food and not eating diet food to

compensate for what I really wanted. Too bad I didn't figure out Intuitive

Eating around this time. As college went on, I developed severe depression and

for years after this was in a dark slump that I couldn't kick. I quickly shot up

to my highest weight of 195lbs (I'm 5'7'').

After college, I joined Weight Watchers with a colleague, and over the course of

a year lost close to 50 pounds. It was such hard work and it reminded me a lot

of my restrictive childhood. I was pointing and still keeping that mentality of

'eat as much healthy food as you like because it's healthy'. But I would have

terrible cravings for things I didn't even like because I was putting everything

out of sight, out of mind. Once I lost all that weight the attention was

flattering and it made me feel amazing. However, it wasn't to be. I remember

being in Scotland and not being able to eat anything and crying in a food court

to my fiance. He couldn't get why the act of eating should be that upsetting.

But there was nothing within my points allowance in that country (haha!) I

gained all of the weight back and went back into depression mode - I felt like a

complete failure with no control over my own body.

It was only when I moved to Europe that I realized how people eat great, rich

food, but in smaller portions. They love food, enjoy it and only eat enough to

satisfy them. I still couldn't wrap my head around this but I started to think

in my head that diets were never going to work. There's a part in the book

Intuitive Eating (it may have been another book) where the author talks about

your personal value system and the value system of the diet you are following. I

never believed in restriction, deprivation or starvation. I never thought we

were put on this earth to resist all the great things around us. And that's why

diets weren't for me. They wanted me to be something I wasn't.

After I read Intuitive Eating, it opened my eyes. Right away I started feeling

better about myself. I didn't call myself fat in the mirror anymore. I stopped

complaining to my fiance about my appearance. I didn't think I had every

gastrointestinal condition in the book when I realized the bloating was from

stuffing myself. I threw out all the clothing that was too uncomfortable but

would fit 'one day'. And I started eating whatever I wanted. And it's true, you

learn that cookies for dinner or hamburgers for breakfast aren't as good in

reality as they are in your mind. Now it's salads full of rich carbohydrates,

vegetables and protein. Sandwiches on thick bread with real ingredients. Pasta.

Anything. And I don't give any one food group a hard time. Guilt doesn't belong

in the kitchen.

The one thing I've had a hard time overcoming is the 'will this actually work'

questioning. I need to lose the idea that there is always another diet if this

lifestyle fails. I need to throw out my scales because they are determining my

emotions. It's just very hard to gauge things on how you 'feel.' I hardly

exercise and am not motivated at all to start. I'm an unconscious eater that

often eats while doing something else. And I'm known to drink a lot of my

calories because I'm so busy (lattes). This prevents me from feeling my hunger.

These are my weaknesses.

I never had control over my food choices in the past and now I do. That is

empowering. I want to give the book Intuitive Eating to everyone I see

struggling with food and diets because I want them to have the hope I feel. I

just hope it lasts.

Thanks for listening and welcoming me to your community.

Carla