Re: going lc with old nada

October 31, 2010

Glad to be of assistance ;o)

I used to work in a nursing home - we saw a lot of this. Don't worry.... THE

SOCIAL WORKER KNOWS. And your Nada isn't the only one who does this ;o)

Go live your life, do what's right and appropriate, but don't live by her rules

of right and appropriate... go by yours. You've had them, all this time, in

your mental hide-a-way place... now is the time to print them out, hang them up

and go with them.

Peace. It's about time!

Lynnette

>

> HI all.

>

> I love this group it helps me so much. Your posts go to my soul. Lynette

when

> I read what you wrote about being her emotional hostage will only keep you in

> chains and that I cannot appease her or make her happy (God knows I have tried

> for 58 years) that I cannot fill the gaping hole of need and loss within her

> and that she will move on and find someone else. I cried when I read this

> because it sums up everything for me. The beating my head against the wall I

> was being her emotional hostage.

>

> I am on week 2 of lc with nada. She is 82 in a nursing home and still trying

to

> manipulate everyone. I received a call from the social worker of the home who

> says mom wants a volunteer to take her shopping . the social worker told her

> nada could go on the regular rotation of outings like everyone else. of

course

> nada got angry and. so it goes.

>

> I am changing the tapes in my head of " the good daughter absorbs all nada's

> needs & must make her happy " bull s---. The good daughter cuts the ties and

> takes care of herself. I had coffee with a couple good friends who I have

known

> for over 40 yrs. Who have been amazing support since they have known nada

> too. I asked them how come they didn't feel responsible for their parents

while

> we were growing up? Since in my warped way of thinking from my FOO that this

was

> my responsibility.

>

> We had a good discussion which helped validate my decision to go lc .

>

> I am getting healthy slowly . I know now to trust my instincts and let her

go.

> Because all I have do and have done will never be enough due to her bpd. I am

> working on letting go of the guilt that she has bpd and that I should be

> understanding. (do any of you deal with this and how ?)

>

> Thanks for listening.

> Blessings,

> B

>

October 31, 2010

Sounds like you are right on track! Setting boundaries, healing, affirming

yourself as an independent human (vs. just the extension of nada, designed and

created just to " feed " her every whim), developing an attitude of self-care . .

..

What could be better than that? The more you do so, the more that guilt will

naturally start to slough off.

Having said all of that, I remember having to do a bit of a " ritual "

conversation with nada. Not actually with her, mind you, but to role-playing as

though she was there. It was a kind of the

talk-to-the-empty-chair-and-pretend-it-was-her conversation.

I remembered talking to " her " from my heart-felt place. I said: while I was sad

I couldn't be what she wanted me to be, there was no way I could ever fill the

void in her. I stated to her, accepting no mental arguments, that it is not my

job to be her slave in life, and it was wrong of her to expect it of me. I

told her, even if she hated me for it, I had lay down the genuinely impossible

quest of making her ok. I had to tell her, for right or for wrong, I was moving

on now. I had to state to her that bearing her guilt wasn't right--that the

problem was her and her insane expectations--not me.

I had to also say I was sorry. NOT because I had done anything wrong, but

because I really and truly was sorry I couldn't make it work. NOT because I was

inadequate or at fault, but making it work was simply impossible given her

disease. It was my way of accpeting the finality of her disease--expressing

regret that there were no other options for me to take with this. I apologized

in a " I regret it has to be this way and this may kill you but it is the way I'm

choosing " way. If there were any other options, you would take them. But you

have none, and for that we are all brokenhearted.

And then, I (through much tears and grief) laid down the job.

It was a sad place, really, letting go of all of the hopes and dreams of someday

being enough.

But it really seemed to help, somehow.

I'm not sure yours has to look like mine, but maybe a conversation with her

where she isn't present would be helpful. A letter, perhaps? A sculpture? I

just wonder if you don't owe yourself some sort of formal " ritual " to release

the job/the guilt/the past.

Either way, I think you're doing great. You are SO much farther along than you

think!!!!

Blessings--

Karla

>