Re: Feeling Very Self-Critical Today

[Guest guest]

Josie, Usually when something is going on with someone like your co-worker... it's all about them. Maybe it was too painful for her to admit that you were a stronger candidate? That could be a really threatening thoughts.

Yes, if she gave you up as a friend as a result... she probably wasn't much of a friend to start with. god knows i have had friends ditch me in the past and it is incredibly painful, so i don't mean to minimize that. if her friends are friends because of how skinny and stylish she is... they don't sound like very good friends, either! and statistics are hugely against her maintaining that weight loss. not that i am hoping she will gain the weight back... but as permanent as the weight loss looks... we all know that it is not. 

try to focus on you and what you need. please don't be triggered by her into dieting. you are doing the long, slow road that has big payoffs in the end. you are working your way through your feelings, not pushing them away and punishing yourself. i promise you that you are better off than your friend. be the person you want to be... be kind and polite and take care of YOU.

i hope this helps.abby

 

I have been doing really well with IE for the last couple weeks and feeling good about myself. But today, I got dressed at home this morning and thought I actually looked pretty good. But when I got to work and caught my reflection in the mirror in the restroom, I felt like I looked really fat. Maybe just a difference in the mirrors, but it wasn't a good start to the day.

Then, I had another difficult situation at a meeting at work. A number of years ago, I was very friendly with a co-worker. We were both recent transplants to the area and had kind of bonded and would often hang out together after work. Then, we competed for the same job in the company and I got it and she didn't (we were both qualified, though I think I had a slight edge on her for a number of reasons. Regardless, I'm sure it was a pretty close decision). Foolishly, I thought that would not affect our friendship. But after that happened, all of a sudden, I was persona non grata and she pretty much stopped communicating with me for anything other than work purposes. Then she very suddenly transferred to another department within the company and we pretty much stopped having anything more than superficial contact.

Well, now she has returned to my department as a manager (I am also a manager, so we are peers) and since leaving, she has lost about 80 pounds on WW and has formed really close bonds with others in the department she had been in. So at this morning's meeting (when I was already feeling fat) she's sitting there in her stylish fancy new skinny clothes, talking about how she spent a weekend at the lake with one of her colleagues from her now former department, and I'm sitting next to her feeling like total crap. Arrgh. >(

Luckily, it's not driving me to eat (at least not yet), but it does put those doubts in my head. Like, if she was successful on WW, maybe I should give it another try. Hey, maybe the ninth time will be the charm! >:op It also makes me really conflicted. Part of me has always been really mad at her. Like, how could she call herself my friend and then just drop me like a hot rock because I got a position that she wanted when we were both really up front with each other about applying for it and actually helped each other prepare our resumes to interview for it?! If she had gotten the position, I would have been jealous, sure, but I can't imagine ending a friendship over it! And part of me feels really sad, like she's saying I'm not " cool enough " to hang out with all her stylish new thin friends.

So much time has passed since the intial event, that I don't know that I would ever say anything to her about it. And I don't want to create any conflict when we're going to have to work so closely together going forward. Plus, if she did what she did on purpose (and really, how could she not have? How do you inadvertently stop talking to someone??), part of me doesn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that she really hurt my feelings.

This sucks. I hate all this feelings crap. Grrr. Thanks for letting me vent.

Josie

[Guest guest]

Hi Laurie,

Yes, you are correct. It's not really about the weight. The reality is that I

have always been hurt by the fact that she dumped me as a friend, which long

preceded her weight loss (for reasons I won't bore you with, I have some real

sensitivities around friendship, generally, so it's a real trigger for me). Her

return to my department and the way she talks about all the friends she made in

her other department and how they hang out together just rubs salt in a wound

that never really healed. The fact that I was already feeling fat today when

she started only exacerbated things.

Of course I would love to have lost 80 pounds, too, so I can't help but be a

little jealous. But I don't think I would be nearly so sensitive if there

wasn't already the other hurt there. Sometimes it just feels like I wasn't

" good " enough to be her friend before and now she and her new friends are off

shopping in places I can't even set foot in and it feels like another way that

I'm not good enough. It does a number on my self-esteem.

Bleh.....

It's very helpful to get a non-biased perspective. I'm a little too wounded

today to see it clearly for myself.

Thanks so much.

Josie

>

>

> Hi, Josie,

>

> Boy, you got it with both barrels today: Self-consciousness, envy, doubt, old

hurt, more self-consciousness, more hurt, resentment, anger, sadness. Ouch! It's

hard to untangle feelings when so many of them come whacking you on one day.

>

> It's our curse to tie all our feelings up into our weight, when in fact weight

has nothing to do with our feelings unless we make it. Maybe it would be a good

idea to sit down tonight and try to sort through the whole thing with this

former " friend " without letting the weight issue be a part of it--I know, hard

to do! It's hard enough when someone you're really close to loses a ton of

weight, let along when it's someone who used to be a friend and then " dumped "

you over something petty.

>

> There's a whole issue for most of us about our weight and other women. When

Geneen Roth was on Oprah, there were two friends interviewed, who admitted that

they didn't like it when one of them lost weight and the other didn't, so they

were both now more comfortable that they were both fat, because at least they

could still be friends! I know as hard as I try not to be, if one of my " fat "

friends loses weight, it makes me feel like I'm that much more dowdy. But,

sheesh.

>

> Take some time, too, to remind yourself why you want to do IE instead of WW.

Your former " friend " won't have the joy of knowing that she can trust her own

body and that she doesn't need anyone else to tell her what and when and how

much to eat.

>

> One of my friends recently got to her goal weight with WW, and she tells me

she has to throw out a piece of pizza after taking two bites, even though she

wants to eat the whole slice. She salivates over the cookies at work and

white-knuckles her way through parties and nights out with friends. I admire her

weight loss, but I sure don't envy her having to live on the edge of that razor

blade.

>

> All best,

> Laurie

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Abby,

Thanks so much. Of course this is good advice. I know that IE is the way to go

for me, but it's so easy to be tempted back into old habits, especially when I

am feeling so vulnerable.

I do think my co-worker felt threatened when we were in competition and I was

too naive to realize that at the time. All of her " new " friends are much lower

on the totem pole than she is in the organization. I think that's safer for her

since it's unlikely that they will ever be direct competition for her.

Realistically, I know she wasn't a good friend for me and I don't think I could

ever trust her to be a friend in the future. But it's still a painful reminder

to now have to work directly with her on a daily basis.

As Laurie said in her message, I'm making this about weight and it really has

nothing to do with it. You're right, I need to focus on the long term payoff of

IE and be kind to myself today.

Thanks so much for your feedback,

Josie

>

> Josie,

>

> Usually when something is going on with someone like your co-worker... it's

> all about them. Maybe it was too painful for her to admit that you were a

> stronger candidate? That could be a really threatening thoughts.

>

> Yes, if she gave you up as a friend as a result... she probably wasn't much

> of a friend to start with. god knows i have had friends ditch me in the past

> and it is incredibly painful, so i don't mean to minimize that. if her

> friends are friends because of how skinny and stylish she is... they don't

> sound like very good friends, either! and statistics are hugely against her

> maintaining that weight loss. not that i am hoping she will gain the weight

> back... but as permanent as the weight loss looks... we all know that it is

> not.

>

> try to focus on you and what you need. please don't be triggered by her into

> dieting. you are doing the long, slow road that has big payoffs in the end.

> you are working your way through your feelings, not pushing them away and

> punishing yourself. i promise you that you are better off than your friend.

> be the person you want to be... be kind and polite and take care of YOU.

>

> i hope this helps.

>

> abby

>

>