Changing thought patterns.

[Guest guest]

I'm an obsessive planner. I've gotten better, but for pretty much everything I

plan for every outcome of things that are important.

My husband is the " cross that bridge when we come to it " kind of person, so he

usually just rolls his eyes at me.

I know that this comes as a result of the abuse I experienced. Plan for the

unexpected to reduce stress.

I've told my husband as much, and I've gotten MUCH better over the years. When

we got married, I planned every day, down to the hour of the vacation we had

afterwards. Fast forward 18 years, this last March we went to Europe, and all I

did before hand was rent a car and download some hotel apps, research festivals

and other interesting points. As I said, a long way!

My birthday is coming soon and I'm obsessing again over weather or not my father

(NPD married to a queen bitch BPD, I'm NC with my BPD NADA) is going to send

anything, or make a " statement " or even send a veiled " statement " in whatever

he's sending, if he sends anything. I'm on their shit list currently because I

caught them in a lie and I didn't worship at the stepmonsters feet when she was

diagnosed with cancer (she had a miraculous recovery BTW she's been dying for

the last 20 years of something or another...I just want her to hurry up and get

on with it).

And I start to plan my response....I plan for the worst. I go over in my head

the hurt that I will feel. My father takes his birthday very very seriously. He

didn't speak to my step-brother for a year because he didn't " acknowledge " his

birthday. To ME, it isn't a big deal, no one ever made a big deal over my

birthdays growing up. I remember having one birthday party, which consisted of

my mother taking me and a friend to Mcs. My inlaws always forget my BD,

they call though. They do the same to their own son, so from them I know they

care, they just don't " do " birthdays. So it isn't a big deal. But because my

father is so...weird...about his birthday...I always know to expect something.

But, because I'm on their shit list....I'm stressing over their response, or

lack thereof.

I *know* that my father and his bitchwife are sitting there going " ok, how can

we hurt her and send a veiled message telling her that shes a horrible child!? " .

Don't acknowledge her birthday? Send a nasty note in a BD card? Leave a bitchy

message on her machine?

My brain won't leave it alone! I shouldn't CARE!

This is STUPID! But I'm obsessing right now and its stressing me out and making

me sad (you know the drill....my parents don't love me...why did I get stuck

with dysfunctional selfish assholes...blah blah blah).

I vented to my husband last night about how I'm feeling, and he got mad at me,

and told me that I had to change my thinking patterns. Easier said than done for

someone raised in a very loving home. If I COULD, I WOULD! I tried all day

yesterday with the positive self talk....rationalizing....recognizing my own

behavior...But I'm still upset, and now I can't talk to the husband because he's

annoyed that I can't change the way I feel or react!

Argh!

Does anyone have any book recos? Or stories? Something??

Sympathy? LOL!

[Guest guest]

I'm a planner too, but until you mentioned why, I never realized why I was doing

it. Some of my friends who are like family to me (better than family) here say

" It's wayyyyyyyyyyy too far away! I don't know what I'm doing two DAYS from now

let alone a month! " but it's automatic to me. Most have come to accept it about

me and case closed. It isn't my worst trait I don't think. My stubbornness is

or lack of patience with people, but I think those two things are also the

result of nada - stubborn because I never could make ONE decision for myself as

nada RULED for so many years so now when I CAN make my own decisions I am

stubborn in giving in and the impatience with people, I think it's because I had

and have to have so much patience with her that people's stupidity, arrogance

etc. I have no patience for - things that reek of nada.

Easier said than done, but if I were you I'd expect nothing and if you get

something, then be either pleasantly or unpleasantly surprised. Don't dwell on

it. We can't change what they do or how they think and we know that, but MY

nada never gives me that angina - she gives other angina. They all have their

own things. I have to put up with 'you're a party girl and always were'. I

have never been drunk or done a drug in my life! My idea of a 'party' is having

my extended 'family' (close friends) here for a sit down dinner and we MIGHT

have one glass of Arbor Mist Strawberry Zinfadel with dinner or we might not

have anything alcoholic. We don't CARE about that. We are foodies! My nada

then in reply to my 'do you KNOW what a party girl IS?! A woman that gets drunk

all the time or does drugs out in the BARS and brings home all kinds of strange

men to have sex " ! Nada THEN replies 'that's not a party girl to me! I mean you

ALWAYS wanted a PARTY when you were a kid - that's a party girl! " She is

actually jealous because my friends were coming over in mid-October for a party

for myself and my friend who IS the second week of Oct. (I'm the first

week) and I was making the main dish and desserts - they were bringing

everything else. The weird thing is she doesn't even LIVE in this state so it

has no effect on her whatsoever!' My nada must know it's her last birthday

present to me as she is definitely on her last legs and sent me $500! She was

NEVER that generous! She always called to say 'Happy Birthday " but then would

go on and on about how much she had done for me on birthdays when I was a kid

(she would make me a cake and decorate a plastic gumdrop tree for the table and

make hot dogs)! I never even LIKED hot dogs and preferred hamburgers! It was

the ONLY time she would allow me to associate with my fellow classmates except

for the one girl she CHOSE for me who was 4 years older than me and a miniature

version of herself in witch mode continually so of course I wanted a party!

What child doesn't when it's the only time you get affection or noticed by your

fellow classmates! It was the one time of year I felt I had a normal social

life! At one point she PAID this girl Betty off for holding me down while she

poured Wisk down my throat holding my mouth open! She gave her a diamond heart

pendant right in front of me for doing it saying to her 'you are such a good,

well behaved daughter!' She wasn't her daughter at all of course. Now other

another neighbor is her 'daughter' but Pam is on the shit list now because she

is backing off helping nada or has been for over a week now and nada doesn't

take kindly to people not kissing her butt.

Surround yourself with God's white light and put a plastic bubble over it any

time you have to talk to your own BPD's. I do that and it has diffused her if

only slightly sometimes and other times it helps greatly, but it does work. It

may still not feel good but at least it's better than not protecting yourself

and hurts a bit less. Realize as I'm sure you do that they aren't normal - are

incapable of being normal and loving - sad as that is. My nada has become more

loving and caring but I think it's because she is at the end of her life and in

her religion if she doesn't make restitution with those she injured, she will go

to hell. It's still all about her. (Sigh)

Oh well good luck with it.