Re: Anyone else feel like this?

November 5, 2010

thanks Annie...since nobody else responded, I thought I'd re-post it.

It's something I struggle with daily.

Amy

Re: Fwd: Anyone else feel like this?

Hi Amy

That is a powerful analogy; I responded to this post of yours (that posted on

Nov 4: #119825) with message #119829.

-Annie

> >

> > I am trying to detach. That's the place on the path where I am now.

> >

> > A lot of you, most of you in this group, are farther along on this path.

> >

> > I realize what's at stake here and that it's up to me to do this work, to

understand that I can't make her happy, that I can't change her mind about

ANYTHING, that I can't alleviate her pain. I still tell myself: Well, at least

you can LESSEN her pain by not sparking any conflicts.

> >

> > But then, as always, it is all about her pain. Everything has always been

all about her pain -- everything, as if her pain (her fear, her self-loathing,

her shame) is a big ever-present stalker who follows us everywhere, but on whom

we are not allowed to call the cops.

> >

> > She refuses, has always refused, to seek therapy. She says she already knows

what any therapist would say (she doesn't) and that it won't help. I'm sick of

urging her to do even minimal things to ease her misery -- eat, see a therapist

(it would cost nothing), read a book. She just shouts no.

> >

> > My choice is to maintain this endless fruitless argument or learn how to be

an adult and detach. This is hard. I live nearly 1,000 miles away from her and

only visit once a year, and do have a life and career of sorts, but even so.

> >

> > It's hard. I realize, from reading your posts, that most of you have passed

this point a long, long time ago.

> >

>

November 5, 2010

Hi Amy,

I was speechless after reading your post. It was so well-put and true. I

wanted to respond but just didn't know what to say.

You said it all.

> > >

> > > I am trying to detach. That's the place on the path where I am now.

> > >

> > > A lot of you, most of you in this group, are farther along on this path.

> > >

> > > I realize what's at stake here and that it's up to me to do this work, to

understand that I can't make her happy, that I can't change her mind about

ANYTHING, that I can't alleviate her pain. I still tell myself: Well, at least

you can LESSEN her pain by not sparking any conflicts.

> > >

> > > But then, as always, it is all about her pain. Everything has always been

all about her pain -- everything, as if her pain (her fear, her self-loathing,

her shame) is a big ever-present stalker who follows us everywhere, but on whom

we are not allowed to call the cops.

> > >

> > > She refuses, has always refused, to seek therapy. She says she already

knows what any therapist would say (she doesn't) and that it won't help. I'm

sick of urging her to do even minimal things to ease her misery -- eat, see a

therapist (it would cost nothing), read a book. She just shouts no.

> > >

> > > My choice is to maintain this endless fruitless argument or learn how to

be an adult and detach. This is hard. I live nearly 1,000 miles away from her

and only visit once a year, and do have a life and career of sorts, but even so.

> > >

> > > It's hard. I realize, from reading your posts, that most of you have

passed this point a long, long time ago.

> > >

> >