Re: Fwd: Anyone else feel like this?

[Guest guest]

Hi Amy

That is a powerful analogy; I responded to this post of yours (that posted on

Nov 4: #119825) with message #119829.

-Annie

> >

> > I am trying to detach. That's the place on the path where I am now.

> >

> > A lot of you, most of you in this group, are farther along on this path.

> >

> > I realize what's at stake here and that it's up to me to do this work, to

understand that I can't make her happy, that I can't change her mind about

ANYTHING, that I can't alleviate her pain. I still tell myself: Well, at least

you can LESSEN her pain by not sparking any conflicts.

> >

> > But then, as always, it is all about her pain. Everything has always been

all about her pain -- everything, as if her pain (her fear, her self-loathing,

her shame) is a big ever-present stalker who follows us everywhere, but on whom

we are not allowed to call the cops.

> >

> > She refuses, has always refused, to seek therapy. She says she already knows

what any therapist would say (she doesn't) and that it won't help. I'm sick of

urging her to do even minimal things to ease her misery -- eat, see a therapist

(it would cost nothing), read a book. She just shouts no.

> >

> > My choice is to maintain this endless fruitless argument or learn how to be

an adult and detach. This is hard. I live nearly 1,000 miles away from her and

only visit once a year, and do have a life and career of sorts, but even so.

> >

> > It's hard. I realize, from reading your posts, that most of you have passed

this point a long, long time ago.

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

" > > It's very confusing to get slapped with one hand and hugged with the other

for so many years.

> > Amy "

.... so so true. That is how I feel as well.

And that is litterally what happend to me. I would get slapped around and then

when she decided it was enough, she wanted to " make peace " with me, and would

ask for a hug.

[Guest guest]

Mine would literally do this exact same thing, also. She'd trigger into a

rage-tantrum: a red-faced, spittle-flying, dilated-pupil rage-tantrum over

something or other that Sister or I supposedly said or did, scare the living

crap out of us (as a small child Sister actually urinated on herself out of

terror, once, she told me), she'd belittle, humiliate and shame us as she'd

smack us around, sometimes she'd even beat us with dad's belt.... and then when

her rage was spent nada would either:

(a) be all perky and cheerful, as though nothing had just happened; she might

even burst into song, sometimes (WTF!?), or

( she'd realize that she'd possibly gone too far (meaning, if we were too

obviously bruised or terrified of her then what she did to us would become

known; she'd get into trouble herself) and she'd begin sobbing, she'd say she

was sorry and beg us to come to her and hug her and forgive her, and she'd

promise to never do it again.

Yeah. Right.

Never mind that one or both of her little girls had just undergone a severe

trauma at her hands* and were shaking like leaves, and afraid to go to her.

And were hurt and angry as well as scared of her. Never mind that, it was nada

who needed comforting and reassuring.

Sister and I knew that if we cringed away from her in terror or showed our own

anger at the mistreatment, good old nada might just trigger right back into

another rage despite her sob-choked promises.

So, yeah, I can relate to your post. Its always, always, all about nada and her

feelings.

-Annie

*Imagine you are walking to your car and suddenly, without warning, another

adult who is twice your height, three times your weight, and red-faced with rage

suddenly snatches you off the ground and physically assaults you. You would

fear for your life, wouldn't you. You would be shocked and bewildered as well

as terrified, and you would have no way of knowing whether this stranger might

just beat you to death or not.

That's what it felt like to have my mommy suddenly morph into a stranger, an

angry, raging behemoth who wanted to beat the crap out of me. And most of the

time I had no idea why.

>

>

> " > > It's very confusing to get slapped with one hand and hugged with the

other for so many years.

> > > Amy "

>

> ... so so true. That is how I feel as well.

> And that is litterally what happend to me. I would get slapped around and then

when she decided it was enough, she wanted to " make peace " with me, and would

ask for a hug.

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah, it was like she got the shit out of her system and she was ready to go

back to daily life.

She would seem surprised when I was glued to the wall, and didn't want to go

near her in a hallway.

She'd smile, and be like " oh come on, come give me hug, we're good now " ...

She also could go from crazy Witch to victimy in a split second, with the

message " poor me, take care of me " / I feel so bad because such & such " / " it's

just so hard because.... " / " I don't want to see you go " etc etc..

So I guess it ressembles quite a bit your NADA's behavior Annie. My BP Mom

would never feel sorry for her actions though, and ask for forgiveness.

She would turn on the victimy behaviour, the crying and stuff, when she had

exhausted the Witch in her, it seemed like. And also when I was going numb and

did not want to show her ANY emotions, like her Witch behavior was useless.

And the sickest thing would be how she would wrap everything around the idea of

love. " I did this because I love you " , " I react that way because I am a mother " ,

etc.

So that in her mind, she acted like a bitch, but yeah, out of love.

> >

> >

> > " > > It's very confusing to get slapped with one hand and hugged with the

other for so many years.

> > > > Amy "

> >

> > ... so so true. That is how I feel as well.

> > And that is litterally what happend to me. I would get slapped around and

then when she decided it was enough, she wanted to " make peace " with me, and

would ask for a hug.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yes: I think that terrifying a child (with rage/anger, with

name-calling/humiliating/shaming, with threats of rejection/abandonment, with

physical abuse, overly-harsh punishments, etc.), then pretty much demanding

that the child show affection to the person who just brutalized her, and then

claiming that the battery and terror were inflicted " because I love you " is

really a massively traumatizing thing to do to a child. It totally warps the

child's perception of what love is supposed to be. Particularly if its done

over and over and over; its a complete mind-f**k.

These behaviors in my opinion have only to do with barely-repressed feelings of

resentment, revenge, and even hatred *on the part of the pd parent* that may or

may not even be directly related to the child.

These behaviors are the behaviors of a bully; a bully is a coward who will only

attack someone who can't fight back. The bully has an overpowering need to hurt

someone weaker, to see them in terror and in pain and completely subject to

their control, *because it makes them feel better.*

These behaviors have *nothing* to do with parenting, which is nurturing, guiding

and teaching, giving appropriate feedback, attention, approval, encouragement,

etc., and appropriate consequences or rewards for *the child's behaviors.*

So, in a way, some of us were raised by schoolyard bullies.

> > >

> > >

> > > " > > It's very confusing to get slapped with one hand and hugged with the

other for so many years.

> > > > > Amy "

> > >

> > > ... so so true. That is how I feel as well.

> > > And that is litterally what happend to me. I would get slapped around and

then when she decided it was enough, she wanted to " make peace " with me, and

would ask for a hug.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Annie is 100% right.

How can our nadas push our buttons still and know exactly what to say to make us

feel horrible and worthless? Because they raised us and know our Achille's

heels and kick them for all their worth. They enjoy making us suffer because

they're hurting. Deep down they are a two year old trapped in an adult's body

so they never grew up and enjoy having tantrums because they think it gets them

what they want. Of course the fact that it MIGHT momentarily from us is

probably the worst thing we can do to foster their bad behavior. Think about

it. A mother who gives her two year old child that piece of candy or toy to

shut them up in a store is enforcing their doing it again and again.

Yes detach emotionally - detach - detach. Easier said than done but at this

point it is us against them and if we don't, WE'RE the ones who are hurting.

Don't do that to yourself. Try to laugh it off and if you can't laugh it off,

try the thing I do which is to surround myself with God's White Light with a

platic bubble on top of that and say " whatever vicious, nasty, derogatory,

inflammatory or accusatory thing you say to me, nada, let it bounce off me and

go right back to you " . It does seem to work somewhat most of the time.