my mother's shadow on my marriage

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

I really loathe this time of year. It's like a tapeworm inside me, slowly eating

me and tormenting me.

I've been wondering and ruminating about it: what is it about September to

December that makes me so unsettled and so unhappy?

Part of it is that I am the gift buyer and wrapper in my family (we have a LOT

of birthdays in the fall in my family, plus of course, there's the holidays).

I'm the one that has to make it an " experience " for my kids. They MUST smell

french toast cooking Christmas morning! If they don't, they'll have no special

memories to share when they're older. " I drive myself crazy with this stuff.

The other part of it is having to see my mother much more than usual.

She came over yesterday with gifts for my kids' birthdays, which is great, but

she doesn't let anyone else talk. It's all her, The Mom Show, talk talk talk.

THEN she starts talking even faster in her native language. My husband and kids

don't speak it; I do and made no effort to ask her to speak in English so

they'll understand.

I don't want them to understand. I don't want the worlds to collide.

What I mean by that is, my husband is such a wonderful person but he REALLY

doesn't get what a hell it is with my mother. Her complete disinterest in

connecting with me or her grandchildren. Yes, she loves us but love means

sitting and listening to her prattle on. It means not doing ANYthing that will

worry her. It means telling her every last detail of my life and agreeing with

her about everything.

I try not to bring the 2 worlds of her and my immediate family together. I don't

like it and can't tolerate the discomfort of it.

Anyway, some of you know that my husband and daughter went to Yellowstone Park

this summer for a week. I didn't tell my mother for my own sanity. Yesterday,

she came to visit and I accidentally gave her a cup of coffee in a Yellowstone

mug. (I wonder now if I unconsciously WANT her to know!)

I could not believe it and was hoping to get it from her before she noticed. Too

late. " Yellowstone, " she said. So my normally wonderful husband starts up: " Did

you see our vacation pictures, mama? " I was mortified and gave him a look. It

didn't work.

My mother's response, part fearful-phobic-anxious, part self-absorbed was, " oh,

no, I wouldn't ever want to go there. Didn't you hear about the Argentine couple

that was brutally murdered there?? "

So my husband and daughter start laughing and he says, " Hey Molly, don't ever go

to Yellowstone, ok? " My mother still didn't get it.

THEN my husband says, " hey mama, would you like some more coffee in your

YELLOWSTONE cup?? "

I don't think I've ever been so pissed at my husband. He was being a real

jackass. Again, my mother didn't even notice, just blabbing on like someone

you'd see at a bus terminal. I just pretended to listen to her, laughing along

with her but inside so upset and feeling betrayed by him. I just let her go on

in her language, purposefully leaving him out until he got bored and left.

I just felt so powerless and really, so stupid...so what if she knew?? It was

like I was an adolescent again.

But if we'd told her, she would have put on her big, dramatic, tearful

show...why didn't you TELL me??...it's like I'm not a part of this

family...you've all been laughing at me...and so on....

But he doesn't get that. And it's so hard to explain. He usually will at least

try to understand but this time, I guess he'd had it.

Anyway, I'm just venting. I feel so alone sometimes dealing with my mother.

Sometimes I feel like it gets better but then I realize it never changed. She

still wants to swallow me up.

I had been so optimistic because she found another victim to call 4 times a day

but this person went on vacation this week and now my mother's back to calling

me frequently. It really sucks and I can't wait for victim to return from

vacation.

Thanks for listening.

Fiona