Re: Re: I have to say this to you guys!

[Guest guest]

Exactly! You get it. Thank you.

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Re: I have to say this to you guys!

Yes, I relate to being deeply moved by observing or experiencing acts of

kindness.

One Saturday afternoon our dad took Sister and me to a golf course so we could

play and slide down the hills on our toboggans. Nada was not with us; I don't

remember why. I believe I was about 8 at the time, and Sister 4.

After a couple of hours of romping in the snow Sister and I were really tired

and pretty cold, so dad walked us back to a nearby house; a friend's mother

lived there. (That's where dad had parked, in their driveway.)

Dad and his friend went to the garage or something, and left Sister and me

standing near the sliding glass door, dripping and shivering. Dad's friend's

mother saw us, and said something like, " Oh, you poor little things, you look

half-frozen! Come here into the kitchen with me, stand by the stove and warm

up! Let me help you take off those wet coats. Would you like some hot

chocolate? " And I was just kind of shocked. She wasn't screaming at us that we

were messing up her clean kitchen floor! She wasn't aggravated at all, instead

she was worried about us and trying to make us comfortable even though there was

no other adult around to see. She was just being kind.

I think I cried a little.

-Annie

PS:

I'm pretty sure that my nada has obsessive-compulsive disorder in addition to

her bpd/npd, and her ocd takes the form of having no tolerance for disorder,

dirt or noise. So the normal aspects of raising children (noise, mess, dirt)

freaked her out and triggered her constantly.

>

> Tell me if you can connect to this. I was just watching a movie--okay--where

> a lady leaves her baby on a stoop and abandons it. Normal, I get this

> doesn't bug me one bit. Then a caring and concerned priest picks it up and

> has compassion for it and I start crying so baaaaad.

>

> So for a long time in my life it's not the cruelty that gets me but when I

> see an act of kindness, real or fictional, it tears me up!

>

> Am I the only one? It hurts me because human kindness is rare! How is this

> possible?!

>

[Guest guest]

Wow thanks for relating to this. It is gut punching.

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Re: I have to say this to you guys!

Millicent said:

" So for a long time in my life it's not the cruelty that gets me but when I

see an act of kindness, real or fictional, it tears me up!

Am I the only one? It hurts me because human kindness is rare! How is this

possible?! "

And NO!!!!!! You are not the only one. This feeling is sooooo familiar to me.

Like yourself, I have been utterly startled by my reactions to seemingly normal

things in real life and in movies. It's the acts of kindness AND the acts of

rescue that always get me (unexpectedly). There is this sudden gut-punch feeling

.... then the tears start pouring out. Don't get me started on " It's a Wonderful

Life " or Andy Griffith's Aunt Bee.

Watching Disney's " Beauty and the Beast " as a thirtysomething adult, I sobbed

and sobbed -- even before it actually started, but during the opening music.

Why?? Not just because it was a love story. But because I knew that it would be

about Belle's kindness to this " ugly " " beast " whose true beauty she discerned.

Watching Shirley Temple movies ( " Captain January " in particular) used to totally

get me -- because they often had this theme of kind strangers reaching out to

the dear little girl, and the dear little girl reflecting their kindness back to

them with her own warmhearted love.

[Guest guest]

Thank you Karla!

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Re: I have to say this to you guys!

Every time I see a scene where a father hugs his kid, with genuine affection, I

instantly cry. It's much worse when the kid and dad have had a struggle in

their relationship and there's a big reconciliation at the end. It's even worse

when the father realizes he's been a jerk and apologies. Doesn't matter how old

son or daughter.

It's painful to see a reflection of what I will never had. It's painful to see

what life may have been like . . . if only. Watching that hits my " father void "

wound before I even realize it.

If I may, I disagree on one point. I don't think kindness is so rare. I think

our nadas were so easily unkind . . . we have a distorted picture of human

nature. Truth is, it's very easy to be kind--especially to a child.

It is VERY VERY easy to pick up a lost baby and smile and snuggle and hold the

little one.

Which makes our situation even more sad.

I totally get it, and you are not the only one! Thanks for the post!!

Blessings,

Karla

>

> >

> >

> > Hmmm. I am still finding how to organize all my history (47 yrs.) in face

> > of knowing now that my mother, sister and sadly my daughter are diagnosed

> > BPD. I only found out 2 yrs ago.

> > I left home at 18yrs. I moved across country from PA to CA at 20 yrs. For

> > most of my life I have cutoff my mother, definitely my sister and for the

> > last 18 mths my daughter (18yr.) hasn't initiated any contact directly to me

> > or her sisters. I could " rescue " her by doing the contact myself but I know

> > she needs to learn to do for heself and not to get " stuck in her emotions " .

> > And after all this time she really needs to understand the cost of cutting

> > off. I didn't cutoff my nada until it was so past time being absolutely

> > necessary. I am feeling very good with my separation to my nada. I am not

> > angry or enmeshed(although I would be if in relationship)I love her very

> > much but ahe made to determination not to be well and to continue being

> > abusive.

> > I consider my position as evolved. I am not plagued by guilt because I

> > chose to care for myself and my family. Of course my nada never once said

> > she was sorry or that she ever had any ownership- it was always me! So my

> > situation is pretty black and white. And the times I have had her visit have

> > always ended up as complete F***ing nightmares. So I am really clear.

> > Sue

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for sharing your story. So touching. I KNEW you guys would

understand!!!!

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device.

Re: I have to say this to you guys!

Millicent,I can relate to this.I think that,for me,because cruelty was the norm

I grew up with it doesn't feel like a painful contrast with what I *know*.I am

not indifferent to cruelty by any means nor am I inclined to condone it but I

know what you mean about kindness causing a sort of ache or hurting.

When I was 9/10 nada used to take me and my brother to this one family

restaurant that specialized in ice cream sundaes.She'd go through phases of

almost obsessively going to the same places over and over again until she

suddenly tired of them--this was her having ice cream sundaes for dinner phase.

She always ordered herself an extra large Rocky Road sundae.My brother

always ordered a sundae that was decorated to look like a clown.I never wanted

to order a sundae because we had so much candy and junk food in the house,I was

sick of it,and to me going out to a restaurant for a " special treat " meant

getting to eat REAL FOOD.

But when I tried to order a regular entree nada would have a mini fit

(modified because we were in public),sneer at me that we were in a restaurant

that made sundaes and that since that was the reason we had gone to that

particular restaurant,that was what we ALL were having and then refuse to let me

order what I wanted.Out of earshot of the waitress she'd mock me and criticize

me so nastily about whatever it was I had wanted that I was so anxious I lost my

appetite.I mean,acting like me wanting to have a salad was some kind of capital

offense.To the waitress,she'd say, " She'll just waste that salad/soup/whatever so

we won't be ordering that.She LOVES Rocky Road sundaes,so bring us two... "

And when I pointed out to her that in fact I did not love Rocky Road

sundaes,she'd insist that I did.Absurdly,this turned in to a sick scenario every

single time we went to that restaurant--I'd try to order something else,she'd

tell the waitress to bring two Rocky Road sundaes and when I said I didn't want

one,nada would exclaim as if she was hearing it for the first time, " But you LOVE

Rocky Road sundaes! That's what you ordered the last time! "

While I sat there and said to myself: I'm not crazy...I'm not crazy...I

do not like Rocky Road sundaes at all...I did not order one the last time...SHE

did...SHE is the one who loves Rocky Road sundaes not ME...

And usually the waitress didn't know what to do so she did as nada

requested.I hated going to that restaurant because nada turned it into a head

trip for me every time,having to counsel myself that my own reality as I knew it

was valid and true.Plus I could barely eat that sundae the way she ordered it,so

sickeningly sweet: chocolate ice cream,chocolate syrup,extra marshmallow

sauce,extra malt...it made me gag--very sugary food actually makes me extremely

nauseous.

So I'd end up " wasting " my sundae and nada would nag me, " Why aren't you

eating your sundae,you LOVED it the last time " and " I don't know why I bother to

take you anywhere,you waste everything " and very nastily, " Why are you so

miserable? If you're so miserable with me why don't you just leave? "

After we'd gone there a few times we kept getting the same waitress.She

was very nice and one day while nada was doing her " But you LOVE Rocky Road

sundaes,that's what you ordered the last time " routine,this waitress gently

suggested that maybe this time I'd like to order something else.

I tried to order a salad and nada said no,I'd just waste it (a total lie

by the way but SHE would have wasted a salad)-so the waitress quickly

interjected, " How about hot fudge,do you like hot fudge? " and when I nodded she

dashed off saying lightly, " Ok,sundaes coming up " and flummoxed nada into

silence.

I felt cheered,like the waitress was on my side.Even more so when she

brought my sundae holding a container of whipped cream in her hand and said to

me, " I wasn't sure if you'd want whipped cream and I hope vanilla ice cream is

ok? Would you like chopped nuts too? "

She was helping me to costumize my sundae to my own preferences.Since

that was all I was going to get to eat,it helped enormously that at least I'd

get to have something that was much less disgusting than a Rocky Road sundae the

way nada ordered it.

After that day,whenever we had this lovely waitress,she thwarted nada's

game.As soon as she saw us,she'd say to ME, " Hi darlin,I know what YOU want:

small hot fudge,chopped nuts,hold the whipped cream " and she'd cheerfully wink

at me.Nada could then say nothing about how much I LOVED Rocky Roads and that

I'd ordered one the last time.The waitress had check mated her on my behalf.

I appreciated that so much I'd get a lump in my throat and just want to

cry.I wished that I could grab the waitress and say to her, " Take me away from

her! Help me! You seem like a really nice person,would you adopt me? "

But I assumed that would look really crazy--and because I had had two

traumatic experiences disclosing my abuse to two different school teachers and

being rejected by them,I was afraid that if I said anything like that to the

waitress that she'd reject me too.

Her kindness hurt because it was such a contrast to nada; it also

reminded me of what I was missing.I also felt like if I tried to *hold on* to

her kindness that it would dissolve and be replaced with cruelty in the form of

rejection.I felt like a hostage or a prisoner who had been taken outside to sit

in the warm sunshine for a couple of minutes,which also made me want to

cry,because I knew I was still shackled and I had no way of knowing if the

waitress really knew that too.

I berated myself for making such a big deal out of a sundae.Surely for

the waitress,I thought,it was only about getting me the kind of sundae I

wanted.But for me it was so much more: that somebody *cared*,at least for the

moment,about ME.That made me want to cry so much I had to swallow my ice cream

past the lump in my throat,while watching the nice waitress go about her

business out of the corner of my eye,as if her kindness was still at several

removes from my reality and hadn't really *touched* it,as much as I wanted it

to.

>

> Tell me if you can connect to this. I was just watching a movie--okay--where

> a lady leaves her baby on a stoop and abandons it. Normal, I get this

> doesn't bug me one bit. Then a caring and concerned priest picks it up and

> has compassion for it and I start crying so baaaaad.

>

> So for a long time in my life it's not the cruelty that gets me but when I

> see an act of kindness, real or fictional, it tears me up!

>

> Am I the only one? It hurts me because human kindness is rare! How is this

> possible?!

[Guest guest]

So sad!

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device.

Re: I have to say this to you guys!

Several of you shared stories that brought tears to my eyes. I wish someone

could have helped. The ice cream one was so sad because it was supposed to be a

nice thing. Transforming the beautiful things in life into ugly things is the

worst thing about BPD to me. Having children myself, I was so touched by the

sledding story. I can't stand the idea of little children being cold and wet -

so helpless and little.

Still - I find myself feeling thankful that you/we were afforded glimpses of

kindness that gave us examples and hope. I am thankful for those ideals of how

life can be. Now we are making it that way for ourselves, our families and

others. Sometimes I get a warm feeling in my heart from showing kindness to my

husband. He so expects abuse that he almost brings it on. (He was raised by a

physically abusive alcoholic father.) I remember when we were first married and

I scrubbed his back in the bath. He cried from the kindness.