8 Easy Ways To Spot An Emotional Manipulator

[Guest guest]

From the website " Heartless B*tches International " :

Lets talk about how an emotional manipulator works and how to recognize the

game (because it very much IS a game) so you can reset that bullshit meter and

safeguard against possible attack.

1) There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator. You

make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that

you forgot my birthday. Response - " It makes me feel sad that you would think I

would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress

I am facing at the moment - but you see I didn't want to trouble you. You are

right I should have put all this pain (don't be surprised to see real tears at

this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry. " Even as you are hearing

the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they

are sorry at all - but since they've said the words you're pretty much left with

nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their

angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played - don't

capitulate! Do not care take - do not accept an apology that feels like

bullshit. If it feels like bullshit - it probably is. Rule number one - if

dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an

emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver - it's added to their hit list

and you'll be fed a steady diet of this shit.

2) An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper. If you ask them

to do something they will almost always agree - that is IF they didn't volunteer

to do it first. Then when you say, " ok thanks " - they make a bunch of heavy

sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don't really want to do

whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesn't seem like they

want to do whatever - they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF

COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy

making - which is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number

two - If an emotional manipulator said YES - make them accountable for it. Do

NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties - if they don't want to do it - make them

tell you it up front - or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and

leave them to their theater.

3) Crazy making - saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it.If

you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a

log of what's been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity

--You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an

expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things

away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they'll

call it white - and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very

senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally

alter your sense of reality. WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous!

It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a

pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to

let them know you just are feeling so " forgetful " these days that you want to

record their words for posterity's sake. The damndest thing about this is that

having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously

thinking about removing yourself from range in the first place. If you're toting

a notebook to safeguard yourself - that ol' bullshit meter should be flashing

steady by now!

4) Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers. They can make you

feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being

emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough.

Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator.

Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly - they get

what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of

this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is

necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used

is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound

sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom

fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when

you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn

around and say they certainly didn't want or expect you to do anything! Try to

make a point of not fighting other people's battles, or doing their dirty work

for them. A great line is " I have every confidence in your ability to work this

out on your own " - check out the response and note the bullshit meter once

again.

5) Emotional manipulators fight dirty. They don't deal with things directly.

They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position

of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive,

meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little

campers. They'll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch

of jerk off shit to undermine it. Example: " Of course I want you to go back to

school honey and you know I'll support you. " Then exam night you are sitting at

the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and

the dog needs walking - all the while " Sweetie " is sitting on their ass looking

at you blankly. Dare you call them on such behavior you are likely to hear,

" well you can't expect life to just stop because you have an exam can you

honey? " Cry, scream or choke `em - only the last will have any long-term

benefits and it'll probably wind your butt in jail.

6) If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor! No

matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there

or is there now - but only ten times worse. It's hard after a period of time to

feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way

of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you

call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very

petulant and call you selfish - or claim that it is you who are always in the

spotlight. The thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left

with the impossible task of proving it. Don't bother - TRUST your gut and walk

away!

7) Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional

climate of those around them. When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the

very room thrums with it - it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway

to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the

emotional manipulator feel better - fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick

with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and

co-dependent you will forget you even have needs - let alone that you have just

as much right to have your needs met.

8) Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no

responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what

everyone else has " done to them " . One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional

manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early

sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the

" hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me " variety. Initially you may perceive this

type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little

vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as

vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis

to overcome.

--Some would say it is possible with time, a great deal of honesty and

communication to work through emotional manipulation. Personally I think life is

short and precious - the only worthwhile thing to do when confronted with an

emotionally manipulative person is to BROOM THEIR ASS TO THE CURB! A

Relationship with emotionally manipulative person is similar to re-exposing

yourself over and over and over to a highly toxic and potentially fatal virus.

Each brush with it reduces your immunity and weakens your defenses. It can take

more time for someone that has been in an emotionally manipulative relationship

(READ: ABUSE) to recover than it does for someone that leaves a physically

abusive one. At least you can name that punch that hit you. Emotional abuse is

subtle. It is insidious. It is dangerous.

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