Re: Re: Stunned & confused on latest discovery

[Guest guest]

Ironically, while they were living here, my sister (in another state), and

the Avow Hospice nurse advised me to let hubby confront fada on necessdary

issues, and for me to " stay away " from him, or wait for my husband to come

home and not to be alone with him in the same room! Turned out they

were right. Who woulda thought?

Don't think what we witnessed was due to meds; denial of demensia symptoms,

maybe, combined with pride. Mostly, I think he's always been a spoiled

brat, always gotten his way, and no one has ever challenged him. The fact

that he & nada have been living independently all these years, he's never

had to answer to anyone else, but when you live with your family, there are

compensations/compromises that must be reached to everyone can live

comfortably.

One of the first issues was fada would sit from 8:30 a.m. to 9:00 p.m.

every day in our livingroom with CNN blasting at highest volume (he is 85%

deaf). In order to talk on the phone, I'd have to either go outside or in the

bathroom with my door shut in order to hear the person I was talking to.

For 2 months we tolerated it. We had no privacy whatsoever. Our bedroom

became the only room in the house we use for " me " time. We moved our

furniture out of the den, and moved their love seat, TV and coffee table in so

they had their own private area to do whatever they wanted. We thought it

was a perfect solution. Fada blew a gasket! " Why don't you just kick us

out? I'm feeling you just don't want us here! " So he packed nada up and they

moved out. Hubby and I packed up the rest of their stuff and took it to

them. One day later, they were begging to move back in! So, we moved them

back in! This happened 3 times in 5 months.

My point is, fada had absolutely no concern or respect for my husband and

I; that we had given up our lives as we knew it, to care for them . His

only concern was for himself, his comfort, and he wanted all the control

without having to put forth any effort. During this 5 months, we cooked their

meals, cleaned their messes, ran their errands, babysat nada,and on

weekends (14 to be exact), we were packing up their 63 years of accumulation in

their house, so they could show & sell it (they asked us if we would do

this). Not once did we receive a thank you. We received backstabbing, verbal

abuse daily

When they moved out the 3rd time, we let them. Several days later my

sister called me and said nada got home and wanted to call the police telling

them I stole her furniture!!!!! Then she wanted to change the locks on

their doors! Well, nada does have alzheimers, so we understood. But the

kicker is fada took her side knowing full well he had asked us for the help in

moving them, crying he was too poor to pay someone else.

They never gave us one cent while they were here. He's got the money, he

just thought I owe him my life, my role is to be obedient and kiss his butt,

no questions asked.

I'll get over all this, hopefully sooner than later. Guess I'm still in

shock as to who fada really is.

Thanks for your kindness,

Laurie

In a message dated 10/4/2010 1:10:00 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

anuria-67854@... writes:

You poor kid, I'm so sorry you had/are having to go through that. What an

eye-opener in the worst way. I'm so glad for you that they don't live with

you anymore. How stressful and horrible for you.

Keep in mind that sometimes alzheimer's disease, or a stroke or other

traumatic brain injury or mixing different meds can result in personality

changes, too. But I think you're right and sometimes the passive, enabling,

dishrag spouse might be narcissitic; the raging and bullying, lying and

manipulative behaviors are all there just hiding underneath the mask of

kindliness

they wear in public.

Your post has reinforced my decision to never be alone with my nada again.

I feel strongly that she will attempt to pull the same kinds of false

accusations against me, if I am ever so foolish as to visit her alone or

participate personally in care-giving when she is at a point where she needs

full-time care. If and when I visit her I will always have a friend or relative

or hired caregiver with me at all times in her presence.

-Annie

>

> Some of u may have read a couple of my blogs about nada & fada moved in

> w/my husband & I recently. They have since moved out (thank goodness),

but

> what a learning, yet confusing, experience.

>

> My nada has always been the BPD, no question. The last few years in

> reading about BPD, we discovered fada was the narsissist. Thru them

living here

> I have been left with this feeling of confusion. Fada turns out to be

BPD

> and narsissist and other then the physical abuse I experienced with

nada,

> he is as bad, if not worse then she ever was. We witnessed him out and

out

> lying to protect himself, not caring at all, how he was hurting my

husband

> and I; he role played as well as nada (being a sweet little old man in

> front of others, and a mean snake to me). I had never witnessed him

doing that

> in particular.

>

> My husband and I always knew about fada demanding to be the center of

> attention, controlling all conversations, glorifying himself in all

situations,

> and demanding pity, being a martyr for staying with nada for over 60

years

> - he was really good at fooling everyone into believing his patience and

> kindness due to nada being such a horrible, abusive person.

>

> Thru them living with us, we witnessed who he REALLY is, and has been,

and

> it shocked us both. He turned out to be worse then nada ever could be.

> We caught him (mostly me) displaying the most despicable behavior, has

no

> control over his emotions, easily angered, throwing tantrums every

single

> day, paranoid, back stabbing me, lying to nurses, his old neighbors,

family.

> Not one member of my family could believe what was going on in our

> home..... " Dad's never done that before! " He caused such chaos in our

home, such

> contention, it still has left me dumbfounded.

>

> He left here in a huff, has not spoken to us since (2 months). I know he

> can't speak to me, in particular, because I've witnessed first hand who

he

> really is. He doesn't want anyone to know. He's pretended to be an

> entirely different person for so long and gotten away with it and

doesn't want to

> be exposed.

> He has tossed me aside like an old shoe.......his daughter......like I

> never existed! Isn't that typical behavior of the BPD nada? Well, just a

> heads up to all of you that have that narsissist, whimpy

fada.......there

> could be a side you've never seen lurking there. You really learn a lot

> when you live with them. There's no way they can hide who they are when

> they're in your home.

>

> Hurt & confused but healing,

> Laurie

> Hurt and confused.

>

>

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