why cant other people see what I see and understand me

[Guest guest]

I recently was able to visit the FOO for a few hours after 5 years of NC, I did

it to see the non-BP members of my FOO whom I do care about. This was a big

success, although I am completely drained and tired, and really sad. I have a

boss at work who I think is BP, and it's been hard, but the exposure to her

coupled with T has knocked a lot of PTSD out of me, and I think that's why I was

able to visit the FOO without going into PTSD. However, I did come back from

the FOO visit with a sense of success and a lot of sadness dragging me down.

Right now, I feel really misunderstood by the people around me.

I find myself overwhelmed with anger, which comes from HURT, because it seems

like so few people understand what we have been through, and the long term

implications for us that we continue to battle. I am seething with anger,

because it all seems so unfair, and I am in pain. I am so sad and in pain.

Like you write, this is so hard for others to understand,why and how a PARENT

could do this. I used to be angry at the media for not showcasing, in my

opinion, destructive parents enough. However, I have seen several talk shows

about growing up with a parent who is a serial killer, things like that, and

yet, most people just don't seem to get it. It's not a matter of more

education. It's just that we lived and continue to live a reality that most

people can't begin to imagine, it is so far out of their realm of experience

that is seems impossible.

I have been trying to talk about this transformative experience, and have people

understand why I am so tired lately. Yet, even my closest friends come out with

statements that hurt, such as " oh, even the most loving of families has issues "

(my response: " yes, but they have love in their family " ) or another friend who

said " oh, can't you have compassion and understand your mother in terms of

someone must have hurt her badly? " These statements come from some of my

closest friends. It is so hard to carry this burden!!!! I just was told by a

close friend to not say " she's crazy " because it sounds so harsh! She said I

seem to have a lot of anger. Well, of course I do. I still feel really hurt

about a lot that happened, especially compared to what could have been. Having

seen the FOO and how OLD they are, it hurts even more, because I realize that

life is passing, and they spent their time on earth like that, and that makes me

so sad. The people in the FOO who I care about spent their life in a wasted

emotional battle with nada. I am so sad, it makes me tear up just to think of

this. I am so sad. What could have been, if I could have been closer to the

FOO. I am the type of person who would have taken care of them in old age, and I

don't know that I can at this point. It all hurts SO BADLY!!! I've been crying

A LOT.

I am still dealing with the BP at work, and somehow I had the expectation that

in visiting the FOO, I had brokered some kind of bargain with God or the

Universe in that now the work BP would back off or something would change (she

would lose her job). I can't stand her anymore. In fact, nothing has changed,

and I have complained about her, documented her actions, and I feel so

frustrated. Her higher-ups continue to support her, and she continues to make

smear campaigns against me. I feel so broken, and just plain TIRED. I am SO

tired. I have been sleeping a lot, and I just have NO ENERGY.

How much more of this does the universe have to give me? Before I visited the

FOO, I made meaning out of the BP at work, because it really was exposure

therapy that knocked a lot of PTSD symptoms out of me. However, now I am at the

point where I can deal with her calmly and I hold her accountable, and SHE IS

STILL THERE!!! I had this expectation, that the universe would reward me for my

hard work. I am so dissapointed. The higher managers at work don't see, nor do

they want to see her behaviors, and I have documented really crazy stuff.

I am so completely frustrated and exasperated about OTHERS just not seeing what

we see, nor seeing the full extent of it. I have friends at work who admit

" that woman is crazy " but they don't see the manipulation, the triangulation,

they don't see her as controlling other people's minds as if they are her pawns.

I have gotten to the point where I can predict her behavior; I have learned that

BPs are REALLY predictable. But when I say to my friend at work, " I bet she's

doing xyz " , the friend actually said to me " oh,no she wouldn't? " and makes me

feel like my perceptions are paranoid. People TRULY DO NOT SEE WHAT WE GO

THROUGH. It's this silent suffering, and it sucks.

I feel so discouraged.

Although, I do have to say, the BP at work doesn't try her tricks with me as

badly as she used. I have won some ground. She is busy weaving a web of smear

campaign, but to my face at least, she has started following some rules that I

have insisted upon, written rules that is. She knows I make a big deal when

they are not followed.

I am just so angry that I have to go through this crap yet again. I am so

angry. My T says anger comes from HURT, so I am trying to find that place of

hurt, so I can take care of myself, but I honestly don't even know what it is.

I think it may be that I just feel frustrated that the universe is making me

deal with a BP yet again. These people are so evil, and they get away with so

much.

How can others just not see the extent of their abuse and manipulations?

Walked to Happiness.