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Re: I see it this way

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That's a really good analogy, Amy, and describes how I feel about my nada's

behaviors: " being slapped with one hand and hugged with the other. "

Its not just confusing, its crazy-making. Never knowing if you're going to be

attacked or clung to, if you are going to be treated as a beloved child or a

vile demon from moment to moment, day to day, throughout your lifetime... is

crazy-making. No child should have to grow up in such confusion and anxiety.

It does kill a child's spirit, her sense of self-worth, and makes her wary and

fearful or even ashamed of just being the individual, unique human being she is.

I think that emotional dysregulation, cognitively-distorted thinking, transient

breaks with reality under stress, narcissistic behaviors, etc., (in other words,

a Cluster B pd diagnosis) should automatically preclude someone from being

allowed child-care responsibilities. Or, perhaps only allowed under conditions

of close monitoring and supervision to engage in child-rearing. Sez I.

Just the other day, I again observed some questionable parenting behaviors going

on with a neighbor across the street. The woman (who appears to be in her late

30's and I believe is the mother of the larger girl but babysits for the other

two) cares for three small children at the same time. One girl looks to be

about 5 but is small for her age; she needed help with her homework (do

kindergarten kids get homework assignments these days?!) and the woman was

trying to help her while an older (or simply larger) girl was having a kind of

whiny temper-tantrum and demanding the woman's attention. Meanwhile the baby in

diapers was toddling around with a bottle in his mouth. After only a minute or

so, the woman ended up having a temper-tantrum herself! Instead of handling the

situation like an adult, she reverted to childish, red-faced screaming behavior

at the larger girl. The smaller girl seemed to shrink into an even smaller

size, and looked defeated (perhaps she feared that her homework would not get

finished) the larger girl looked frightened, threw her arms in front of her

head/face and backed away from the woman as she stormed into the house, and the

baby started crying.

I have observed raging, yelling behaviors from this mother before, many times;

she seems unsuited to the task of having three small children in her care at the

same time, unfortunately for these kids. All I can do is remain observant and

if anything seems really out of control, prolonged, or alarming, I guess I can

always call CPS.

-Annie

>

> Imagine facing a killer...your killer.

> What do you say to your killer. How can you act regular around her. How to

make small talk...

> Someone who nearly killed you physically, definitely emotionally...

>

>

>

> That's how I feel when I am with my mom. I still love her because that's who I

am. But a long time ago, she killed me.

> It's a very confusing place to be...to always confront your killer, this

person who gave birth to you...and who killed your spirit in the name of

love...and that other people see as " so sweet. "

>

>

> My mom has calmed down since years ago...but the lingering emotional pain she

inflicted years ago still hurts.

> I am just now starting to understand this whole BPD thing.

> She used to tell me I was dead to her. These days, she tells me she loves me

and misses me when I'm not there.

> It's very confusing to get slapped with one hand and hugged with the other for

so many years.

> Amy

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Dear Amy,

I had to comment on your post because your story is similar to mine. My mother

was extremely violent and homicidal when I was a child. I grew up in mortal

terror. In addition, she did a good job of destroying my sense of self worth by

treating ME as the evil one.

My brother is getting married soon. I dread having to be in the same room as my

mother. To keep myself sane and safe I am going to sit as far from her as

possible, leave right after the ceremony, and skip the reception.

My mom pretends that nothing bad ever happened and that she is a living saint.

I can't play that game. I can not socialize with her now as if nothing bad had

ever happened.

Spuds

>

> Imagine facing a killer...your killer.

> What do you say to your killer. How can you act regular around her. How to

make small talk...

> Someone who nearly killed you physically, definitely emotionally...

>

>

>

> That's how I feel when I am with my mom. I still love her because that's who I

am. But a long time ago, she killed me.

> It's a very confusing place to be...to always confront your killer, this

person who gave birth to you...and who killed your spirit in the name of

love...and that other people see as " so sweet. "

>

>

> My mom has calmed down since years ago...but the lingering emotional pain she

inflicted years ago still hurts.

> I am just now starting to understand this whole BPD thing.

> She used to tell me I was dead to her. These days, she tells me she loves me

and misses me when I'm not there.

> It's very confusing to get slapped with one hand and hugged with the other for

so many years.

> Amy

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Your feelings RE not wanting to be in the same room with your mother are

completely understandable to me.

Even after I became an adult, I retained an " atavistic " fear of my mother for a

long, long time even though intellectually I knew that she was no longer able to

physically harm me. I was still afraid of her; afraid she'd get angry at me,

afraid she'd say ugly, insulting things to me.

Even now, after about 2 years of virtually no contact, my heart rate still goes

up in an unpleasant way if I see that she has been trying to phone me. I

decided to stay in no contact with her when I discovered that if I did choose to

take/return her phone calls, I'd get a horrible migraine-like headache (or

possibly Meniere's disease-like) symptoms afterward, most likely due to the

suppressed rage and fear I felt.

I think that although my mind accepts that she can't hurt me anymore, my body

remembers and it just doesn't want to be around her at all.

-Annie

>

> Dear Amy,

>

> I had to comment on your post because your story is similar to mine. My

mother was extremely violent and homicidal when I was a child. I grew up in

mortal terror. In addition, she did a good job of destroying my sense of self

worth by treating ME as the evil one.

>

> My brother is getting married soon. I dread having to be in the same room as

my mother. To keep myself sane and safe I am going to sit as far from her as

possible, leave right after the ceremony, and skip the reception.

>

> My mom pretends that nothing bad ever happened and that she is a living saint.

I can't play that game. I can not socialize with her now as if nothing bad had

ever happened.

>

> Spuds

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Dear Annie,

Thank you for your comment. I have the same issue. My therapist says that when

I get triggered I " regress " emotionally to being a child. So on those very rare

occasions when I am in the same room with my mother I feel that mortal terror

again and want to flee for my life.

Since I am 50 years old it looks like I am not ever going to get over that. It

seems to me that the fear is programmed into my body and my intellectual

knowledge that she can't hurt me anymore just doesn't help much.

Spuds

>

> Your feelings RE not wanting to be in the same room with your mother are

completely understandable to me.

>

> Even after I became an adult, I retained an " atavistic " fear of my mother for

a long, long time even though intellectually I knew that she was no longer able

to physically harm me. I was still afraid of her; afraid she'd get angry at me,

afraid she'd say ugly, insulting things to me.

>

> Even now, after about 2 years of virtually no contact, my heart rate still

goes up in an unpleasant way if I see that she has been trying to phone me. I

decided to stay in no contact with her when I discovered that if I did choose to

take/return her phone calls, I'd get a horrible migraine-like headache (or

possibly Meniere's disease-like) symptoms afterward, most likely due to the

suppressed rage and fear I felt.

>

> I think that although my mind accepts that she can't hurt me anymore, my body

remembers and it just doesn't want to be around her at all.

>

> -Annie

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