Guest guest Posted November 4, 2010 Report Share Posted November 4, 2010 That's a really good analogy, Amy, and describes how I feel about my nada's behaviors: " being slapped with one hand and hugged with the other. " Its not just confusing, its crazy-making. Never knowing if you're going to be attacked or clung to, if you are going to be treated as a beloved child or a vile demon from moment to moment, day to day, throughout your lifetime... is crazy-making. No child should have to grow up in such confusion and anxiety. It does kill a child's spirit, her sense of self-worth, and makes her wary and fearful or even ashamed of just being the individual, unique human being she is. I think that emotional dysregulation, cognitively-distorted thinking, transient breaks with reality under stress, narcissistic behaviors, etc., (in other words, a Cluster B pd diagnosis) should automatically preclude someone from being allowed child-care responsibilities. Or, perhaps only allowed under conditions of close monitoring and supervision to engage in child-rearing. Sez I. Just the other day, I again observed some questionable parenting behaviors going on with a neighbor across the street. The woman (who appears to be in her late 30's and I believe is the mother of the larger girl but babysits for the other two) cares for three small children at the same time. One girl looks to be about 5 but is small for her age; she needed help with her homework (do kindergarten kids get homework assignments these days?!) and the woman was trying to help her while an older (or simply larger) girl was having a kind of whiny temper-tantrum and demanding the woman's attention. Meanwhile the baby in diapers was toddling around with a bottle in his mouth. After only a minute or so, the woman ended up having a temper-tantrum herself! Instead of handling the situation like an adult, she reverted to childish, red-faced screaming behavior at the larger girl. The smaller girl seemed to shrink into an even smaller size, and looked defeated (perhaps she feared that her homework would not get finished) the larger girl looked frightened, threw her arms in front of her head/face and backed away from the woman as she stormed into the house, and the baby started crying. I have observed raging, yelling behaviors from this mother before, many times; she seems unsuited to the task of having three small children in her care at the same time, unfortunately for these kids. All I can do is remain observant and if anything seems really out of control, prolonged, or alarming, I guess I can always call CPS. -Annie > > Imagine facing a killer...your killer. > What do you say to your killer. How can you act regular around her. How to make small talk... > Someone who nearly killed you physically, definitely emotionally... > > > > That's how I feel when I am with my mom. I still love her because that's who I am. But a long time ago, she killed me. > It's a very confusing place to be...to always confront your killer, this person who gave birth to you...and who killed your spirit in the name of love...and that other people see as " so sweet. " > > > My mom has calmed down since years ago...but the lingering emotional pain she inflicted years ago still hurts. > I am just now starting to understand this whole BPD thing. > She used to tell me I was dead to her. These days, she tells me she loves me and misses me when I'm not there. > It's very confusing to get slapped with one hand and hugged with the other for so many years. > Amy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 5, 2010 Report Share Posted November 5, 2010 Dear Amy, I had to comment on your post because your story is similar to mine. My mother was extremely violent and homicidal when I was a child. I grew up in mortal terror. In addition, she did a good job of destroying my sense of self worth by treating ME as the evil one. My brother is getting married soon. I dread having to be in the same room as my mother. To keep myself sane and safe I am going to sit as far from her as possible, leave right after the ceremony, and skip the reception. My mom pretends that nothing bad ever happened and that she is a living saint. I can't play that game. I can not socialize with her now as if nothing bad had ever happened. Spuds > > Imagine facing a killer...your killer. > What do you say to your killer. How can you act regular around her. How to make small talk... > Someone who nearly killed you physically, definitely emotionally... > > > > That's how I feel when I am with my mom. I still love her because that's who I am. But a long time ago, she killed me. > It's a very confusing place to be...to always confront your killer, this person who gave birth to you...and who killed your spirit in the name of love...and that other people see as " so sweet. " > > > My mom has calmed down since years ago...but the lingering emotional pain she inflicted years ago still hurts. > I am just now starting to understand this whole BPD thing. > She used to tell me I was dead to her. These days, she tells me she loves me and misses me when I'm not there. > It's very confusing to get slapped with one hand and hugged with the other for so many years. > Amy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 6, 2010 Report Share Posted November 6, 2010 Your feelings RE not wanting to be in the same room with your mother are completely understandable to me. Even after I became an adult, I retained an " atavistic " fear of my mother for a long, long time even though intellectually I knew that she was no longer able to physically harm me. I was still afraid of her; afraid she'd get angry at me, afraid she'd say ugly, insulting things to me. Even now, after about 2 years of virtually no contact, my heart rate still goes up in an unpleasant way if I see that she has been trying to phone me. I decided to stay in no contact with her when I discovered that if I did choose to take/return her phone calls, I'd get a horrible migraine-like headache (or possibly Meniere's disease-like) symptoms afterward, most likely due to the suppressed rage and fear I felt. I think that although my mind accepts that she can't hurt me anymore, my body remembers and it just doesn't want to be around her at all. -Annie > > Dear Amy, > > I had to comment on your post because your story is similar to mine. My mother was extremely violent and homicidal when I was a child. I grew up in mortal terror. In addition, she did a good job of destroying my sense of self worth by treating ME as the evil one. > > My brother is getting married soon. I dread having to be in the same room as my mother. To keep myself sane and safe I am going to sit as far from her as possible, leave right after the ceremony, and skip the reception. > > My mom pretends that nothing bad ever happened and that she is a living saint. I can't play that game. I can not socialize with her now as if nothing bad had ever happened. > > Spuds Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 7, 2010 Report Share Posted November 7, 2010 Dear Annie, Thank you for your comment. I have the same issue. My therapist says that when I get triggered I " regress " emotionally to being a child. So on those very rare occasions when I am in the same room with my mother I feel that mortal terror again and want to flee for my life. Since I am 50 years old it looks like I am not ever going to get over that. It seems to me that the fear is programmed into my body and my intellectual knowledge that she can't hurt me anymore just doesn't help much. Spuds > > Your feelings RE not wanting to be in the same room with your mother are completely understandable to me. > > Even after I became an adult, I retained an " atavistic " fear of my mother for a long, long time even though intellectually I knew that she was no longer able to physically harm me. I was still afraid of her; afraid she'd get angry at me, afraid she'd say ugly, insulting things to me. > > Even now, after about 2 years of virtually no contact, my heart rate still goes up in an unpleasant way if I see that she has been trying to phone me. I decided to stay in no contact with her when I discovered that if I did choose to take/return her phone calls, I'd get a horrible migraine-like headache (or possibly Meniere's disease-like) symptoms afterward, most likely due to the suppressed rage and fear I felt. > > I think that although my mind accepts that she can't hurt me anymore, my body remembers and it just doesn't want to be around her at all. > > -Annie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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