Nada - The Energizer Bunny Is FINALLY Winding Down CONSIDERABLY

[Guest guest]

Nada is 89 1/2 years old now and I am honestly hoping she does not make 90.

Part of me feels horrible for wishing that, but a large part of me feels since

she not only WANTS to go as she tells me over and over on the phone, but she is

in such horrible shape and no one can help her medically (even if she let them

which she won't because she is deathly afraid of them putting her in 'one of

those homes'), she wouldn't be suffering and neither would I. Yes I limit the

amount of time I talk to nada making some kind of excuse which maddens her and

then she starts on a tirade about how I 'never have time for her but I do for

everyone else or everything else' but she has to accept what I give her which

isn't much by choice.

Last time I talked to her a few days ago she brought up crying how I COULD have

stayed overnight with her the night Eddie was buried (I went down with my

friend to his funeral of course) and not stayed with my friends Pip and

, but there is no room at nada's for two people to stay as she has the

second bedroom totally packed to the rafters literally with junk and you don't

DARE move anything because'she knows where everything is' so that leaves her

couch for two of us to have slept on. Ridiculous! I told her I took two

Amtraks and a taxi to get there and didn't HAVE a car there to get to her (she

is half an hour from Pip and ) and she replied " DROVE you down!

Don't give me that shit! " I told her he did not drive me down, which is the

truth. I didn't want to explain anything more about losing his vehicle

to repossession after he wrongfully lost his job at the time - ancient history

and besides, she has no sympathy for anybody anyway so what's the point.

Tomorrow is my birthday and she went on and on about how SHE didn't want my

friends to give me a birthday party because 'no one does that anymore' and 'how

old do you think you ARE?! 10?! " And how they aren't buying ME dinner, that I

am spending HER $ that she sent me for my birthday to buy the 'whole State of

Maine dinners'. Absurd altogether for sure. I reminded her they are each

bringing something not telling her that since it is and my friend

Ananur's birthdays being Librans too, we are celebrating their birthdays here as

well so I am making a pork roast and the desserts, but anyway. She said the

other day who CARES if you're sick (I had a flu bug I think) and in a few days

it went away but I got 'you're sick because you go OUT to the store and you need

to stay HOME'. I thought yeah right - everyone has to go to the store as I live

here alone with my two cats. So lesson learned I will not tell nada that anyone

is celebrating anything with me.

My stepfather died 4 years ago Oct. 8th and nada is crying about that too big

time. The manipulative, abusive pedophile/dictator who ruled her life with an

iron fist who got my cousin and my cousin's child at the age of 5 and raped them

both as they now told me, is now St. to nada. " The only one that ever

loved me " .

She can't hold food down at all now; she keeps falling even with her walker; she

has no strength (this all backed up by her neighbor who sees her weekly to help

her seeing another side of nada but does believe me when I say what nada tells

me) but anyway how long can someone her age go on being severely underweight;

not eating and falling? Nada tells me she is at the end and it could happen any

day now. I dismiss what nada says most of the time but I can't dismiss what her

sane neighbor and my friend Pip have seen and the neighbor is a lot closer and

has more time to devote to nada so she sees her all the time.

Nada also said that if I 'lose her house' like I 'lost the other two' (we

didn't LOSE them - we SOLD one and moved several states away and the other one I

had to sell because I divorced my ex and couldn't afford $1,500 a month to pay

for it) but anyway she said she would 'haunt me' if I 'lose her house'. By that

does she mean if I SELL it? I don't dare ask her that because she has told me

the ONLY way she's leaving the will as it is and leaving me the house and all

her money is if I live in it the rest of my life. I have no intention of living

in it when she dies of course. BAD memories there for me. I am selling the

wretched house. I know - control issue again, but anyway.

My one friend says I should go down and see her 'one last time' but I am

avoiding it. Nada says she doesn't want me to come down before 'spring' because

we could get 'snow or a bad tornado' - huh?! She doesn't live in the midwest or

out west so no tornadoes and snow?! No snow there OR here in the northeast 'til

December or January but okay. Glad she feels that way. Will I feel guilty if

she does pass soon and I hadn't gone down there? That's the question. What

should I do?