Feeling Very Self-Critical Today

[Guest guest]

I have been doing really well with IE for the last couple weeks and feeling good

about myself. But today, I got dressed at home this morning and thought I

actually looked pretty good. But when I got to work and caught my reflection in

the mirror in the restroom, I felt like I looked really fat. Maybe just a

difference in the mirrors, but it wasn't a good start to the day.

Then, I had another difficult situation at a meeting at work. A number of years

ago, I was very friendly with a co-worker. We were both recent transplants to

the area and had kind of bonded and would often hang out together after work.

Then, we competed for the same job in the company and I got it and she didn't

(we were both qualified, though I think I had a slight edge on her for a number

of reasons. Regardless, I'm sure it was a pretty close decision). Foolishly, I

thought that would not affect our friendship. But after that happened, all of a

sudden, I was persona non grata and she pretty much stopped communicating with

me for anything other than work purposes. Then she very suddenly transferred to

another department within the company and we pretty much stopped having anything

more than superficial contact.

Well, now she has returned to my department as a manager (I am also a manager,

so we are peers) and since leaving, she has lost about 80 pounds on WW and has

formed really close bonds with others in the department she had been in. So at

this morning's meeting (when I was already feeling fat) she's sitting there in

her stylish fancy new skinny clothes, talking about how she spent a weekend at

the lake with one of her colleagues from her now former department, and I'm

sitting next to her feeling like total crap. Arrgh. >(

Luckily, it's not driving me to eat (at least not yet), but it does put those

doubts in my head. Like, if she was successful on WW, maybe I should give it

another try. Hey, maybe the ninth time will be the charm! >:op It also makes

me really conflicted. Part of me has always been really mad at her. Like, how

could she call herself my friend and then just drop me like a hot rock because I

got a position that she wanted when we were both really up front with each other

about applying for it and actually helped each other prepare our resumes to

interview for it?! If she had gotten the position, I would have been jealous,

sure, but I can't imagine ending a friendship over it! And part of me feels

really sad, like she's saying I'm not " cool enough " to hang out with all her

stylish new thin friends.

So much time has passed since the intial event, that I don't know that I would

ever say anything to her about it. And I don't want to create any conflict when

we're going to have to work so closely together going forward. Plus, if she did

what she did on purpose (and really, how could she not have? How do you

inadvertently stop talking to someone??), part of me doesn't want to give her

the satisfaction of knowing that she really hurt my feelings.

This sucks. I hate all this feelings crap. Grrr. Thanks for letting me vent.

Josie