Re: Re: Managing a visit with NADA

[Guest guest]

I sencond and third this.......NO WAY!!!!!!!!

 

Subject: Re: Managing a visit with NADA

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Saturday, October 30, 2010, 12:46 PM

 

AND on the 'alone with son' issue?

ABSOLUTELY NO WAY IN HELL!

My teen joined me in therapy for Nada's issues. He found her OD'd when he was 8.

He's been the subject of her moods when she can't reach me. He had to learn,

along side with me, that nada is crazy and what to do to protect himself because

I didn't have the ability to teach him myself. It's all OK now, he has great

boundaries...

But - when you know and your child is little - do NOT let it even get started.

Lynnette

>

> >

> >

> > Hey, need some suggestions. My mother is coming for a visit this summer to

> > see me and my family, including our son who will be 2. Some well-meaning but

> > ignorant friend of hers is paying the airfare.

> >

> > First question: visits longer than 4-5 days inevitably end in disaster. She

> > is talking about coming for 10 days. How do I say, " 10 days is too long "

> > without saying it quite like that? I am not too proud to be deceptive, so

> > any idea, no matter how sneaky, is welcomed.

> >

> > Second question: the issue she is sure to choose to make The Issue of her

> > visit is spending time alone with my son. Since she beat the crap out of me,

> > raged at me etc. from at least two years on, this is not going to happen.

> > But, I know this is going to be what she insists on - she's made it an issue

> > since before I was even married - am I going to trust her with my kids by

> > herself? At one point, I thought I would, when I thought she had changed and

> > before I knew about BPD and before two extremely bad visits. She has visited

> > twice since then when he was an infant, and held it together for the most

> > part. But I still feel the tension just below the surface and I don't trust

> > her with my son, especially not now when he has developed a personality, a

> > huge will of his own and a flair for dramatic tantrums. Again, Im not above

> > giant lies with her, especially not when it is for my son, so all

> > suggestions welcomed.

> >

> > I could ask my therapist, but my insurance as a teacher is not very good

> > and I have to pay OOP. Since there are probably billions of dollars worth of

> > therapist's advice available by proxy on here, thought I'd ask you all

> > first.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow!  This stirs up a really bad memory for me. 

 I had a miscarriage from a car hitting mine.  I hemorrhaged for 5 weeks until

I

had a D & C.  Afterwards if I was being worked on at the dentist or hairdressers

" I'd cry " .  I continued to suffer a full period every 2 weeks for 5 months. 

Everything was intensified; PMS, cramps.  it was hell.  No one allowed me to

take time for myself.  Husband carried on about finances, bosses at work, even

friends and family.  I need to be " given permission " inorder to feel released

to

do what I know I needed  to take care of myself.  After my body finally got

straightened out I sought 3 professionals to ascertain I would now be okay to

get pregnant again.  One of whom set off a trama that I was miscarriaging again

the day I saw him!  And work barely thought it was okay that I went straight

home after seeing him, I was so upset.

As soon as I became pregnant again I knew something was wrong.  Every fiber of

my being could feel it.  It took about 4months when we did the fetal protein

test and it returned a result .5 over normal.  That sent me crashing down.  I

knew that something was monstrously wrong!  My obgyn would not allow me to come

in and were just not responding to my call for an appointment.  (fear of

liability bc I had been saying something was wrong).  I never blamed them. 

But

at the height of my needing answers and reassurance, medical advice they dropped

me without ever saying so!  My pregnancy had an Omphalasel? At 6 months my baby

died.  It took 36 hours to deliver I was 1 hr. from undergoing an Cesarean. 

The

day I went home my mother came.  OMG?!? Her family out of ignorant good

intentions thought she'd help!  It was all about her!  I had to cater to her,

needs, feelings, wants and if I don't or couldn't she'd make all of us endure a

living hell.  I had a 7 year old there. My husbands family was there being

judgmental.  I tried as best as I could to stave off a confrontation while

planning my daughters funeral, healing, grieving.  My nada chased me round and

round in and out of the house desperately trying to engage me in a fight.  My

husband and I were desperate on how do we get rid of her.  She would not

leave. 

Finally just when we were going to call the police my husband thought to contact

the church.  Our Pastor came over and counseled her and us and she finally

allowed that we could not possibly be there for her and she needed to fly

home. 

3 months later she asked to visit after we had told no more visits.  That now

on

we'd be the ones to visit her.  She called back to say Hah I already bought my

plane ticket for 7 days and it's non refundable.  So she came and stayed over 5

days and once again it became all about her and this time we were trapped in the

car with her, child and all.  Absolute torture.  Don't allow your nada to do

this.  Honestly we all know better after what we knew before and should have

stuck to.  I visited my mother once after.  Every minute I was afraid.  My

tension was incredible and my daughter witnessed it.  There was 1 other time I

visited in the 11 yrs. since.  She's cutoff, sad but healthier.  Take her to a

restaurant the day you want her to leave and part ways there.

Sue

 

[Guest guest]

Oooh the car, still hate that one. . . thank god for cell phones. Take the

baby, run, and call for a ride - ha ha ha no prob. Life is so different now

that we have those wonderful things.

>

>

> Thanks, guys! I knew there would be some awesome advice on here. I am going

> o dOooho the " we are free on x through y or a through b " thing and I'm going

> to do the " he's going through a phase, maybe when he's older thing " and the

> " I don't want to miss even one extra special wonderful rainbow flavored

> moment with you " thing. An excellent plan all around. And yes, it is sad to

> plan in October for July...but funny too and I know you all totally get it.

> And yes, the no alone time thing is set in stone. And yes, we have an escape

> plan if things get ugly (including if she ambushes mr in the car, one of her

> favorite battle grounds). For that one, I am going to pull over in a public

> place, roll the windows down and tell her to get out and I'll send a taxi

> and if she won't get out, Im taking the baby and making a run for it. I

> have no qualms about her feelings - it's just nice to talk to others who

> have bomb squad experience. We all know the device is going to blow, but we

> also know ways to reduce collateral damage.

>

>

> > > >

> > > > Hey, need some suggestions. My mother is coming for a visit this

> summer to see me and my family, including our son who will be 2. Some

> well-meaning but ignorant friend of hers is paying the airfare.

> > > >

> > > > First question: visits longer than 4-5 days inevitably end in

> disaster. She is talking about coming for 10 days. How do I say, " 10 days is

> too long " without saying it quite like that? I am not too proud to be

> deceptive, so any idea, no matter how sneaky, is welcomed.

> > > >

> > > > Second question: the issue she is sure to choose to make The Issue of

> her visit is spending time alone with my son. Since she beat the crap out of

> me, raged at me etc. from at least two years on, this is not going to

> happen. But, I know this is going to be what she insists on - she's made it

> an issue since before I was even married - am I going to trust her with my

> kids by herself? At one point, I thought I would, when I thought she had

> changed and before I knew about BPD and before two extremely bad visits. She

> has visited twice since then when he was an infant, and held it together for

> the most part. But I still feel the tension just below the surface and I

> don't trust her with my son, especially not now when he has developed a

> personality, a huge will of his own and a flair for dramatic tantrums.

> Again, Im not above giant lies with her, especially not when it is for my

> son, so all suggestions welcomed.

> > > >

> > > > I could ask my therapist, but my insurance as a teacher is not very

> good and I have to pay OOP. Since there are probably billions of dollars

> worth of therapist's advice available by proxy on here, thought I'd ask you

> all first.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>