not wanting to be here

[Guest guest]

I feel like i need to post that I have been avoiding this forum. I have been

posting elsewhere on the internet on a site related to entertainment. It is

taking up a chunk of my time and I have in the past used internet forums to

avoid reality. I am afraid I am going down that road again because that site

does not challenge me and is not concerned with anything important or related to

reality.

I just want to thank the WTO community and acknowledge that this site is an

incredibly healthy place online. It keeps me grounded in reality and is a

shelter in the storm. I need to openly admit to myself what I am doing and back

away from it. I learned to create an imaginary world as a child and this other

site, that is about tv shows, is becoming that. I feel myself getting invested

in it and I know that is a waste of time and I don't have that luxury as things

are in a crisis in my life and I need to be taking steps to change my work

situation and I need to spend my time devoted to school work. I grew up in a

home where we were taught very cynical values (shrouded in religious views about

being 'worldly') that nothing on earth matters and nothing will ever work out

and the 'reward' is in heaven and to suffer through life and not even try. I

need to stop this process and redirect my attention to here because I find this

site to be very healing and emotionally supportive, probably more than anywhere

else I have ever experienced, including 12 step recovery because here I am not

pressured to lie about or minimize the trauma in my childhood or it's

long-lasting effects on my life as an adult.

One thing I notice is as KO I was never allowed or encouraged to think of

myself as a competent human being and that has carried over into adulthood. If

I am incompetent and doomed to failure then it really doesn't matter how I

spend my time. This belief and behavior is completely erroneous and could

drastically muck up my life if it continues, which is why I feel the need to

'come clean' about it in some way, so thanks for allowing me to do it here. I

was parentified as a child but I have been infantilized as an adult, which I

know is a tactic PD parents use to keep from losing control over their

children. I need to 'grow up' right now and get back on track. Thanks for

listening.